After spending a weekend at home w/ my family I have finally decided that today is the day to write my coming out letter. I have been wanting to come out for the past 2 or 3 years, but have never built up enough courage until now. I mean I have always known I was different since I was little. I would rather play w/ Barbie dolls than trucks ect... For the longest time I thought that I was meant to be born a girl. It's wierd because most people say they knew that they were gay since they were born, but it was not that way for me. Yes I knew I was different but I never knew I was actually attracted to guys until much later in life. I think it first dawned on me when I was in junior high and got my first glimpse of porn. I automatically knew I was attracted to the men and paid no interest in the girls. Throughout high school I convinced myself that I was bisexual and continued to look at gay porn while "seeing" girls at school. I had my first real g/f in 11th grade and honestly at first I thought it could work out. I felt like I had feelings for her, but honestly had no interest in her sexually at all. One day one of her friends let me know that she was wanting me to make a move w/ her sexually, and honestly that scared me to death. When I kissed her I felt nothing. About a month later I ended it all w/ some lame excuse and ended up breaking her heart. From then on I told myself that I would just remain single until the "right girl came along." I kept up the whole bisexual front up until the middle of college when I realized that every girl that I pursued only wanted to keep me as a "friend". I finally realized that girls were NEVER going to work out. I have been extremely depressed w/ it all for the last two years and have pretty much been repressing myself and wasting my life. I have been pushing potential friends away for fear that they would find out about the true me. I'm so sick of pushing everyone away and stopping myself from having an actual life.... On my 24th birthday, which was at the end of last month, I finally realized that I was finally ready to come out for good. I realized that I wasn't getting any younger and the time was just perfect. It was so wierd because all of the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks that the time is right. Usually when someone tells you to wait until you are ready and you will know you think it's bullcrap, but now I finally know they were right. So for the past 3 or so weeks I have been driving myself crazy trying to find the right time for me to come out to my parents. I have come soo close so many times, but I always end up backing out. So anyways this weekend I found out my younger brother just got a new girlfriend and she came over to meet the family. This pushed me over the edge because I just knew my parents were wondering when this was finally going to happen for me. This has put so much more fuel to the fire of me wanting to tell them the real truth about me. Also we went out for dinner w/ my grandparents and she was asking all of these questions like "Oh so do you really like living all alone in that apartment." It really sucks that they think I'm this pathetic loser who can't find someone, when the truth is that I am gay! So to sum all of this up I am now writing up my coming out letter that I hope to send out tomorrow after work. It feels so nauseating and freeing at the same time. I honestly feel physically ill trying to write this up. I hope to post my letter up here in this thread when I finish it in hopes that it could help someone else out there struggling. The reason I am doing this is not because I want to run out and screw or get a b/f, honestly I don't even have much of a sex-drive but that's another story, but it's so I can stop lying to myself and everyone else and for people to stop thinking that one magical day I will find a girl and everything will be perfect. Anywho thanks to anyone who actually read this huge novel, but this has been very theraputic for me to write this up. Like I said I will keep you all posted on what happens. Thanks again....
Thats great, i hope it goes well, and i cant wait to read the letter. Yeah when you're coming out you feel like you want to throw up...
I tried for the longest time to convince myself that I was bi too. Fortunately I accepted my gayness a bit earlier than you did, but your reasoning sounds very similar to mine: guys for sex, girls for relationships. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that line of thought.
Ok well here is the letter that I am sending out tomorrow. It turned out almost too perfectly. I never thought that I could express this onto paper, but I guess I was wrong. Let me know what you think and thank you all again for even reading this. ******************************************************************* Mom and Dad, I’m writing you this letter because there is something important that I need to let you know. This is something that has been eating away at me for so long and honestly I have made myself physically ill because of it. It makes me sick to write this, but mom and dad, I am gay. I know this is a lot to take in right now, but honestly I could not bare to keep this to myself any longer. I’m sorry that I could not have told you this sooner, but I have finally just come to terms with it all myself. I finally just felt like the time was now to admit to myself and to everyone around me the real truth. I understand that you are extremely sad and angry because of this, but there is nothing that I can do to change this about myself. Believe me, I have tried for so long to not be this way. I convinced myself for the longest time that I could just live my life without ever letting anyone know, but I have realized that it has been making me dead inside. I understand that this is extremely upsetting and embarrassing for you to read, and trust me, I feel the same way. It makes me sick to admit that I am this way, but like I said before, there is nothing I can do to change this. I just want to let you know how extremely hard it is for me to even be writing this to you. I wish that I could have told you this in person, but I just couldn’t bare to see the disappointment and sadness in your eyes. What kills me the most is that I am hurting you both so much because of this. My biggest fear is that you will disown me and never want to speak to me again. I have lost so many nights of sleep thinking that you are going to hate me and never want to see me again. I would completely understand if you chose to do this, because honestly, one of the worst things for a parent is to find out that their child is gay. Finally, I just wanted to let you know that I am not suicidal or anything because of this. Yes I have been depressed for the longest time because of it, but I would never dream of taking my own life. I guess, like I said several times in this letter, that I have finally accepted that this is the way I am and that I can’t do anything to change that fact. I know there is so much more that I could say to you both, but at this moment, I can’t think of anything more to say than I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am putting you through this and I wish more than anything that things could be different. I know I hardly ever say this, but I love you both very much. I hope to hear from you both soon, but if not, I will completely understand. Like I said, writing this letter was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I thank you for even reading it. Love your son, (I took out my name for posting here, yes I'm wierd)
i think that your letter is beautiful and very thoughtful. i think the way you wrote it alone will help them. good luck!
Do you really think your parents will be disappointed,embarrassed,sad or angry?The letter just seems like a big downer!Maybe lighten it up a little bit.I know you got to like who you are,and if you do,why not express it in the letter?Just my opinion hun.
As much as it hurts for me to admit, yes they will be. My dad is an angry person at times and has no qualms about verbalizing his feelings. My mom on the other hand will get all distant and not talk. I know exactly how this is all going to turn out, so that's why I put all of that in there. I know it sounds depressing, but this is how I really feel. It's the most honest I have ever been w/ myself....
well I guess the best way to go is the honest way.I wish they could have a better and supporting reaction
Do you know for a fact that they will be sad/angry? You need to lighten up the mood of your letter a bit; you come across as very negative. If your letter is negative, then they will most likely associate your whole coming out to them as negative, which is bad. The whole suicide part of the last paragraph is a little too much. You're basically introducing the concept into that paragraph and it seems kind of random, but it will make your parents think of suicide and all of its connotations. So definitely look for more positive words/phrases.
I'm not trying to sound rude, but how can I "lighten the mood" of the letter? Also the reason I included the "suicide" part was because I have been on antidepressants before and my parents were worried that I may have contemplated suicide, which I wasn't at the time.
Okay, that explains that part. And to lighten the mood, try to focus on the positive aspects of your coming out. Rather than talk about them disowning you, and focus more on how you are being honest and open about your sexuality with them.
That was an excellently wriiten letters, you really covered all the bases. Dont be too sure, your parents' reaction may just suprise you. I hope it goes well.
I think it is a beautifully written letter and my heart goes out to you at this very difficult time in your life. You know your parents better than anyone else so you are in a better place to imagine how they will react but you do seem to see only a catastrophic outcome. I can only tell you things from the side of a straight mum who suspected NOTHING at all. When my son came out to me a few months ago, yes I felt that my world had been turned upside down, yes I cried buckets, go on the Pflag site you see all the mums are saying the same things. However at NO time whatsoever did it even come into my mind to disown my son, to critisize him, to judge him. Over the weeks that followed, by understanding that I wasn't alone and that my reactions were normal, I started to feel proud. Proud that my son had found the courage to accept himself as he is and the courage to tell me. I felt honoured by the fact that he trusted me enough to tell me. All I want, and I think I speak for many, many parents, is for thier children to be happy in their lives, to be honest and be able to grow into the people that they are destined to be without having to hide an extremely important part of themselves. Excuse me for criticising, it is not my place to tell you that you are wrong but I personally would prefer 1000 times to find out that my son is gay rahter than a psycopath, a serial killer, a paedophile, is schizophrenic, has lukemia, has a bone degenerative desease, is married to a drunken wife beater (you know what I mean)... and the list goes on and on. Even though this might bring down a whole heap of criticism crashing down on my head. I even told my son that I prefered that he tell me that he is gay than he tell me he was a transexual or travestite. These are my own personal prejudices, but I think that the life that awaits transexuals and travestites is SOOoooo much more difficult that of the homosexual. Annoncing to your parents that you are gay is NOT the end of their world. It is the end of an image they had of you in their minds. You are still the same loving intelligent person that you have always been, you are still alive and in good health, mental and physical. These are things to be celebrated and put in the balance of perspective that you letter is lacking. From reading the letter I see a very depressed and lonely person who is finally reaching out to the two people that mean the most to him at the moment. I think you are right to come out to them, you will never be able to fully come through your depression whilst this is weighing on you but the world is not a dark as you percieve it to be at the moment. There are positive things you can say to your parents, try to find a bit of perspective, this will help both you and your parents. Bluerose is right when he tells you to try and lighten your letter. Try to find some positive things to say about yourself, about being gay, about the support you have found from friends, about the future you see for yourself. You could also mention that you hope that eventually they will feel proud of you and support you... or whatever it is you are hoping from them. This will give them a focus point because although it should be obvious, putting it down in black and white helps to clarify in your parents mind what you need from them. My son is a different person since he came out to me, he is happy, smiley he laughs more, he stands up straight and proud, he draws people to him with his happiness and openess and he is finally getting in touch with his emotions instead of repressing them. He is starting to become the young man that he was meant to be. He still doesn't admit it but from my point of view he has spent the last few years dipping in and out of depression because of not wanting to accept who his is, of hiding from the truth. I am, sometimes, consumed with joy to see the man he is becoming but feel sad for the dark years of loneliness that he travelled alone. If your parents see your happiness, see what carrying this burden alone has done to you and your life, they can only be happy for you, proud of your and proud of themselves for bringing up such a lovely caring person. I don't know you of course but I see clearly from your letter the person that you are. I wish you lots of luck in your comming out. (&&&)
Louise, thank you so much for your kind and helpful advice. I plan on revising the letter and hopefully put a more positive spin on it. I think I was just feeling really scared and sick to my stomach when first writing the letter and a lot of bad things came out through my mind and onto the paper. The great thing is that there is no deadline for something like this and that you can take the time to rethink everything before making any huge decisions. Anyways I think I'll fix a few things and repost the letter. Thank you and to everyone else, you don't know how much this really means to have others to talk to about this. Thanks!
