Hey everybody. :-/ It's nice to finally find a place where I can finally get help on my "closet" problem, although I have a feeling I'm doing this just to vent. The name is...well my name isn't important but this is my story, *Wow this story is hard to start...* Okay so basically for a long time I had questioned the possibility of homosexuality as my sexuality, and the more I thought about it the more I convinced myself it was no big deal. And the more I explored it the more I decided to seek help by talking to other gays online. And for a while everything felt pretty good. Everything felt so good that I thought I was ready to come out. But according to Star Wars just becuase you think you are ready for something, doesn't mean you are (Empire Strikes Back, yes?) So, one day whilst driving with my older brother (practising for my driving exam--- which I still haven't done) I decided that it's going to happen here and now. So there we were, two brothers parked in a mall. My voice shaky, and my hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel. Seriously talking to him was like having glass instead of air comming out from my lungs. -_- I honestly shiver at the thought of that day. But when it was all over and done with, my bro was "cool" with it. And why wouldn't he? My brother had a friend come out to him, and they were still really good friends. The only thing my bro was worried about was me submitting to the darker side of the gay culture. You know the drugs and wild crazy ass orgies, followed by devil worship and dismemberment perhaps as well? Anyways it felt good to hear my bro say that he didn't care and I was still his little bro no matter what. At this point I was feeling pretty good. However, Bro was down but parents still had to find out. We decided that we'd tell dad before we told Mom. And we would wait a while before we told mom because she can be a bit...unstable at times. Don't get me wrong though...I tottaly love the woman. <3 I just wish it was easier to talk to her. Then...one dark and stormy night (actually it was pretty nice outside...but I'm trying to set an ambience) my bro messaged me on MSN, "Mom knows." that message was followed by a bunch of, :***:k's Basically this was his story, my guidance counsellor was observing me and she thought I was developing an identity crisis over my homosexuality. That my closetness was causing me problems. Even though I'm was one of the happiest kids at school :dry:. So my guidance counsellor called mom to tell me that perhaps I should seek therapy, and mom calls my bro freaking out. My mom...is nominated for world's worse worrier. My bro tells me and basically says, "You better tell her, she is worried." Now I don't if his story is true or not, if he just told mom becase he thought she ought to know, or if the guidance counsellor really did screw me over like that... Anyways mom starts acting REALLY awkward around me, so one day...in the car again (see why I don't have my license) I tell mom that it was true. That I was indeed gay. Well mom basically she tells me that it's going to be hard to be who I am. That some people won't ever accept me for who I am. And that I have to be careful with the gay culture...cause you know the drugs...wild sex orgies...blah blah blah. Then Mom takes me to a park where she insits that we sit and watch the geese on the water, me thinking, "Oh shit...Chicken soup for the gay's soul momment...awwwkwwardd..." and mom is sitting there telling how she was sad that I told my bro first instead of her. And that she has had gay friends before. And that she is worried for me. That weekend I went up to visit my bro at university leaving my mother alone to deal with her new and gay son upon her request. She emails dad. She starts saying how her sons don't trust her and goes...well she says some pretty unpleasant things. Dad emails my bro and dad is tottaly freaking out (cause of what mom said...). And so my bro thinks that it's going to be this big fight between me, him, and my other bro against mom and dad. Well other bro just thinks it as a big joke and wants nothing to do with it. -_- thanks for the support. Anyways the big fight doesn't happen instead it's just thrown out of the window the minute we get back. The next thing I hear about it is Dad wanted to talk to me in the car about it (WHY ALWAYS THE DAMN CAR) and I was feeling pretty guilty for doing this to my family so I just told her we'd talk about it later.... Then somehow mom and dad were convinced it was just a phase... And then later my bro decided that to be true too (I think). and then other bro is like, "My bro is a player! He can get all the women he wants!" So I went through that whole comming out process but I was kicked right back into the closet a year later. I just feel that my family doesn't want to know about it. I mean there was times mom wanted to talk about it but she just speaks in this really awkward voice and you know she doesn't want to hear about it. It's because she worrries, it's because she loves me, but I can't talk to her because if I do she feels more worry, and I feel so rotten for making her feel that me. And things are just getting worse...The gay jokes have come back, only one of them was directed at me during the part where I was, "Going through a phase" in which one bro went, "Ew rimjobs." and everyone started to laugh. ...and my all supporting bro, well he gave me his real thoughts on the gay community a couple of times. Hearing him say things like, "Woman on Woman...not that's a beautiful thing. But two guys together now that's gross." while I was in the same room as him (he was drunk granted...but come on...a little rude). Another time we were in the...you guessed it...the car and my bro was talking about his gay friend whilst I talked to his girlfriend about a musial porno (lol) and mom asks my bro, "Does your friend have a boyfriend yet?" Bro: "No, he's got a fuck buddy" Mom: "Oh" Bro: "Yea the gay community is really into Poligamy" Mom: "That's what I'm afraid of, *Looks at me* Me: *Stops talking to bro's girlfriend and looks awkward* And even worse...now that I've started clubbing, I've been getting drunk and finding my tongue down throats of the female gender. I feel horrible about it the morning...like I'm lying to myself..and also like I should stay away from the tequila next time :eusa_naug . But when mom asks about my night out I tell her that I made out with this smoking hot girl and she seems to get this sparkle of hope. Even a few days ago she says to me, "Aren't those girls alot nicer then the girls you expierened in highshool." me: "Oh yah there alot nicer, it was alotta fun." -_- I've got a few people in my life to talk to...but for some reason every time I want to I just turn the other cheek and start thinking, "not gay, not gay, cu-cu-cu-choo" I have a lesbian friend...but when she teases me about being in the closet I'm like, "No I'm not." I want to talk to her...but there's this mental block..:bang: And my brothers girlfriend is the really nice...really accepting person but she also has this innocence to her..well she's taking a sexuality studies class...so I guess not really..but it's still hard to even talk about homosexuality with her. She says she doresn't care about homosexuality, and that it's normal...but I still can't talk to her. :-/ And I'm even doubting myself about my sexuality now, and it's all about that one damn question, "So why do you think your gay?" Then I say, "Well I'm sorta attracted to some guys.." but I doubt myself when I say that. I know I'm attracted to guys...but I doubt myself...if that makes sense? And then they ask, "Well have you ever had sex with a man." and I say no which is true. The closest I have been to another man is a cuddle whilst sleeping... :tantrum: BLEH that is my story. Offer your comments and maybe one of you will inspire me to come back out of the closet...but as I told my mom a long time ago, "I won't be gay now, maybe I'll experiment in university and see what I think about it. But don't worry about me for the time being Mom." Thinking now even, the truth is I doubt myself so much is because I am afraid. as you can see I have been told some dangerous things about the gay community. And I just don't want to be apart of that. Apparently if you go to a gay club people ask, "Top or Bottom?" And away you go to have sex, or if your lucky you can a blow job on the dance floor. It's all just sex and if you find a boyfriend your the most lucky man in the world. I'm not interested in that kind of lifestyle. I just want ONE guy (*hug*). I just wish mom would stop worrying...and trust that her youngest son will be able to make it on his own. Even in the sex crazed, drug addicted gay world. I just want to be out...and find someone to (*hug*) the days away with.
Wow that was long... but i really enjoyed reading it just getting a few things straight... i have actually never heard of gays being more dominant to do drugs, and have random sex, and become emo... it may be some gays lifestyle, but it ain't mine. Does your dad own a fancy car, because that coudl explain a lot!!! Then I say, "Well I'm sorta attracted to some guys.." but I doubt myself when I say that. I know I'm attracted to guys...but I doubt myself...if that makes sense ... yeh i went through this too... i tried for soo long to make myself straight... i didn't think that my hick family would ever accept me... so i came out... i didn't tell any of my family for a year.. and i actually just told my rents 4 months ago... When i talk to my parents now i try to make sure i slip in something like "i met a guy today, and he is smokin"... i don't know... i am trying to get my parents to realize that i am gay, and to accept the fact that this is the way it is going to be... realize that this is about you! Try and find yourself... don't let anyone influence the way you feel... take your time and don't make any rash decisions!
Actually we have a volvo hahaha. Thanks for your input though. I really want to be able to say things like, "I've met a guy." but it's just so hard with mom. I told her about my friend in Montana and her next question was, "So it's safe to assume your talking on chat rooms." In this, "Oh shit!" kinda tone. I try and tell her not to worry and she says, "It's my job."
Sound like we have had similar experiences. (Even with the :***: ing car too, why always the car, pretty funny ti sint just me). After I came out to my parents, they, particularly my mom were in denial. My mom told me that I will "play for the other team" and my parents strictly instructed me not to come out to anyone for "my own sake" and I was pushed back in to the closet. I know it is hard. I came out to my parents for support, and instead they turned their backs. Anyway, I know what you are going through. If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me or find me on aim. btw- cool avitar, I am a HUGE beatles fan
Wow...we're more identical then you think. I fucking loved the film across the universe <3. And Jude...makes me want to date a British guy. Hahaha. Okay so funnny story that happened to me today. Mom on the computer in the next room ---Me watching the indepedent film network in the living room. What should come on but a film about a homosexual, an ecentric lady, and a very sexy Colin Farrel. Anyways...the movie is "A Home at the End of the World." and it features a very cute make out scene between Farrell and the gay guy. So I'm sitting here watching it and mom comes over right when it switches to the commerical, she goes, "What's the movie about." and I go, "Uhhh..." "Don't know eh...hahahahaha. I'm off to bed." Oh good times. Then my bro asks, "What are you doing?" "Oh watching a film featuring a gay Colin Farrel." BWahahahha...good fun. P.S....this movie is godly to my gay side. Across the universe is GODLY to me.. :-/ Colin Farrell.. Colin Farrell
I know I already pm'd you about the original post, but I thought I'd add some side stories about parents. In the year that my parents have known about me, only my mother once asked me about a girl. I had called her for mother's day and she asked what I was doing. I said, oh I'm on a trip with a girl I met in my Brisith Literature class. Her immediate reaction was "oh, so is this more than just a friend?" I just groaned and realized that now, any time I tell her about a girl I'm hanging out with she will immediately assume its something more. My sister says my mother even calls her to ask if I'm "involved" with so and so. I told my sister, "well the next time she asks, tell her to ask me." Gee, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I go after every girl I see...I have some standards. The thing that bothers me about all that is why would my parents assume that I would not tell them about a relationship, when I had the ability to come out to them. I told them the reason I came out was so we could be honest and open with each other, so why would I hide a relationship? Makes no sense to me.
Actually my story is the same. Even the girl part too. If I mention a girl I've made moms day. I'm afraid to see what happens when i mention a guy. Oh wait I know. Mom starts flooding me with questions. Where did you meet him? How did you know him? Is he a nice kid? What's his name? What are you going to do over at his house? Just play xbox I guess mom. Hahaah -_- Actually most likely that's what happens. Xbox...party...club...or beer drinking etc, etc, etc
I'm going to jump in here and put to rest at least one of your fears... It IS possible to meet another gay guy that will also be committed to your relationship, and IS NOT just interested in sex. I've met someone that I'm simply crazy about, and he is crazy about me too! We love just holding each other, being with each other, kissing each other... we REALLY LOVE kissing! :eusa_danc We haven't gone beyond that yet - all in good time! If it isn't love, then I'm not sure what it is. (Is there a song by that title? :icon_wink ) However, depending on where you look, it is WAY EASIER to find someone that is strictly interested in sex. So just don't look in 'those' places (here I'm thinking primarily 'internet cruising sites'). At this point, don't worry about whether your family has bought into the whole concept of you being gay. The fact is, you are - whether they agree or believe you. So look into joining a gay / gay friendly group, or developing positive / healthy relationships with other gay guys in your area. The fact is you'll have to be willing to be 'out'. If you're still in 'hiding' mode, then it's tough to feel good about participating in gay-oriented activities. I put an add on Craigslist in the 'strictly platonic' section looking for other gay guys that simply wanted to talk and have a coffee or something, and I got some really great and sincere responses. I got a good gay friend out of it actually. We talk 2 or 3 times a week, have lunch or dinner once in a while, sometimes catch a movie too! There are also degrees of 'gayness'. We're all on a spectrum between hetrosexual and homosexual - nobody is 100% one or the other. So if you're not sure that you're totally gay - that's ok. There's no hurry to figure that out. But the only sure way to know is to 'experiment'. Spend time with guys. Spend time with girls. I don't think you need to 'go all the way' with any of them for you to know who you are more comfortable with. I hope this has helped. It isn't easy - I know. We all know. But we're here to help. Let me know if you want to chat one on one.
Yea well I've spent time with girls and everytime it's more of a, "Must kiss her to prove I'm not gay kinda ordeal." I mean I think if I really wanted to I could probobly get any girl I want. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but when I go to the straight club, it's hard not to find a dance partner ;-). Xept who can call the grind really dancing? Ohh 1940's why did you go so fast? Anyways another problem with my outting myself is that our community is a really closed minded community. I mean if I was the "well known" gay of the town, which could probobly happen if I outed myself to some of my friends, I could have a problem finding a job or keeping a job in this town. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I've worked in places where 75% percent of the conversation is gay bashing. IT also makes it hard for some of the guys to out them selves from the closet. And the guys who are out (all 2 of them) don't interest me at all. So it's hard for me to have a gay expierence with a man besides the times I've gotten close to my friend (nothing naughty..just close)...and now he's always gone for university. And he can be a real jerk when talking about homosexuality (Homophobe to hide himself kinda ordeal). But you are right, I shouldn't worry about mom not believing it. After all she knows deep down it's true, and if this is how she is going to deal with it, then it's fine for mom to feel that way as long as she isn't worrying about me. And after telling my bro I was watching a film about a gay Colin Ferrel his "maybe it was a phase" supicions should have come to a stop. -_- Now if only my friends would stop being such A-holes and assuming that I'm some kinda of MAN WONDER who is an expert at picking up girls. Girls can sense the gay. Well...they sense the nice, open guy giving all the girls hugs whilst being very friendly. Which is the perfect alternative to the straight guys on the dance floor. :dry: I hit on my guy friends all the time and they think it's the funniest thing ever :eusa_danc
Well there is a simple way of dealing with it, if you want a simple answer. Are you attracted to any guys? Are you attracted to any girls? If only guys, then you can think of yourself as gay, if only girls then you can think of yourself as straight, if both you can think of yourself as bi. (Or depending on various levels of interest, you can be more complex and go into the whole kindsley scale thing.) Note I say *THINK* as in reality it is kinda your own choice as to what you label yourself as. Whatever makes you happy! Also sexuality (in my opinion) is fluid enough that you can change your mind later anyway... Now as to your situation, well I'd ask myself to what extent I CARED if they thought I was something that I'm not. You tried to tell them, they didn't listen. If it matters to you, then tell them again. Keep on telling them until they believe you. If it doesn't matter enough to outweigh the things that are holding you back, then don't tell them. Really it is up to you what you want to do. Good luck.
Well I guess mom is less ignorant then I thought her to be. I was watching star ship troopers and mom comes to give me a hug and I sorta uhm "Rejected her" and she said, "Is the reason you rejected me is becuse I'm a woman?" and I'm like, "What? No mom." Geez..can't a guy just watch his movie?
Lol InaRut. That's funny. Similar to the time my mom asked me if this girl I was hanging out with was "more than just a friend." What? So now I can't just hang out with other girls?
Hi, Read your post and saw shades of myself. I'm bisexual. Have been actively so since I was 22. Had a sense I was bisexual earlier on though, probably when I was 12 or 13, but never acted on it or spent alot of time thinking about it until something actually happened that forced the issue. Understanding your sexuality is a process. Like someone said earlier we're all on a spectrum so it may take some time before you figure out where you are on that spectrum. And where you are may move with time, as you move and grow in life. I was at one point married (now divorced, and not because as many assume with bisexuals that it had to do with confusion or the need for something else; no we had plain old communication issues). Since being divorced, I've dated primarily women (but had a couple of experiences with guys, nothing to write home about) until recently when I had my first relationship with a man. And it didn't work out (at least not in the way either of us would have liked). And I was devastated by it (I'm still getting over it). Soon after I started casually seeing a woman and realized that while the sex was great, that I wasn't emotionally involved as much as I would like (or she would like). Part of me feels like I want to have that experience again (being in a relationship with a guy); part of me feels like it took so long just to find someone that I would even comfortable being in a relationship with again that I don't want to bother. Part of me feels constrained by how I handle my sexuality. And the weird thing is that when my seems to be focused on the guy thing, women suddenly take interest (probably because I don't find myself trying so hard). It's been suggested that I'm rushing back in too fast on the whole and I should just take some time off. Sorry, by way of example, I'm venting a little here but I hope you see that from the above I'm all OVER the spectrum. And that over the years where I am on that spectrum has fluctuated. Don't beat yourself up, your young, you have lots of time ahead of you. Be good to yourself. Be patient with yourself. And be open to yourself. All things reveal themselves in time. You sound like a smart together guy :icon_wink I have every confidence that you'll work it out.
Wonderful post bud. Like I said, I know I like men. I just saw BEOWULF (crappy movie) and the one scene where he was naked and kicking Grendals ass is the only highlight of the snooze fest. It's just hard, especially now, when I just found out that one of my crushes has got himself a girlfriend. :-/ and then there is his comments, "Fucking Fag" In my imagination I am seeing right through him, like he's hiding his homosexuality. I can see the evidence, but I don't know. It's what sucks about the closet. Is you have to be some kind of trench coated hitman, slimly reading people waiting for the perfect move to make your strike. Rather when your out, you can just be a mercenary goin in all guns whailing and hope that one of those many bullets hit's it's target. And maybe the police sirens go, but it doesn't matter, at least you killed the man in war rather then some slimy stab to the back. Hmm...what a strange idea. So why am I still the hitman? Maybe I just don't have the guns to go against the police. And here I thought I was confident in myself. Well if you excuse me, I have a silence pistol and plenty of game out there. Fuck, stupid Itunes, "I wanna Hold your hand."
