A very late coming out (Sand)

Sand

Sand beneath my feet, inside my brain
forming castles, washed away again
Nothing stays or nothing was
Nothing is the way, the way it seems, the way it does
We are not close, we seem to be
whatever promise was eternity
It wasn‘t real, it wasn‘t much, charade or fantasy?
The role, the roll, the game, a name
What couldn‘t be, just came

(March 19, 2006)

Since my 56th birthday, I‘ve got sand in my brain. That was about 6 weeks ago.

Yeah, mom and dad. You had a gay son and never knew it. Shit, he didn‘t even know it. Not really. This is a story of someone who suffered through 40 years of ignorance and homophobia to successfully block out the obvious. Your son never loved a woman, and never dared to love a man. He didn‘t love at all. That‘s what hurts the most.

In my various band projects, I wrote more than a few love songs, all heterosexual I think. I‘ll have to double-check. One thing for sure, the heartache was always real. This was one place I couldn‘t or didn‘t want to hide, not if the lyrics were to mean anything. My life has always revolved around music, in every form. This month, I had the pleasure of seeing Staind twice in Mannheim. Everything Changes...

``If you just walked away, what could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
Cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes if I could turn back the years.
If you could learn to forgive me,
Then I could learn to feel``

Music has been my refuge. A nice career with the US government, lots of hobbies, a good number of friends, until about 6 years ago. The band broke up, the contacts dissolved, and I began a slow process of self-analysis, trying to figure out who I am, what I want. The biggest personal mystery was my own sexuality. I wasn‘t attracted to women. I certainly wasn‘t gay (!). I must be in between, simply asexual, not attracted to anything except my fetishes and masturbation. Thanks to the Internet, I ordered lots of books, even medical journals on sexuality, manuals on BDSM, bondage, the leather and fetish scene, masturbation, and anything that would help explain that I was a normal kinky minority, emphasis on normal.

That‘s been going on for a couple of years. I wrote lots of essays on the subject, soul-searching, not intended for publication. It was a road to self-discovery. In all of the research, it never occurred to me that I might be gay, queer, a fag, a homo, dodgey, I love that term.

A Catholic kid growing up in Chicago in the 1960‘s couldn‘t be queer. Not at home, not at school, not in church, not at the local pool hall. Somehow I should have known. The films and characters that interested me were ``Summer of `42`` and ``A Separate Peace``. The beach party films were ok but I think I was more interested in the guys who were wearing shorts than bikinis and tits. I had my dates and first kisses, making out, an
antiquated term. We visited the porno theater, the Monroe downtown, and we hit the strip bars in Calumet City and Chicago Heights. There began my acting career. My family excuse was simple and came early on, at 10 or 12. This kid was never getting married. I saw too many arguments between my parents. Marriage was a dead institution, at least for me. In reality, I was paving the way to an elitist bachelor existence. I was above all that. Yeah right!

Perhaps my theme song should have been, ``Follow the Boys``. I just didn‘t know it. I invited my best friend, Billie G., to stay with me in a hotel on the Indiana Dunes in 1968. We were both 18. Nothing happened, except for the Chicago riots and a burning city over the shores of Lake Michigan. He died of lung cancer a few years later.

I never touched a guy sexually. The thought never came. Many years ago in the Karlsruhe Kantine, my buddy, Alex, caught me eying a cute kid in black baggy shorts. Like ``What are you looking at, Lorenz?``. Another missed clue. Alex knew long before I did.

Fast forward to February 2006, a few videos bought for my birthday and the remastered AC/DC CD’s. Among the videos, ``Summer Storm``. Wow! I was always repulsed by guys kissing. Not this time. I was in love with various characters. Tobi and Leo just brought tears to my eyes, the love I had missed, the love I had longed for, the love I never had, or dared to chase. Then came ``Latter Days``. Two great films back to back, not to mention ``Eating Out`` a week later. I also watched ``Beautiful Thing``, ``Get Real``, and other gay epics. I wanted to be sure that I wasn‘t just reacting to cute guys on the screen. ``Latter Days`` has some of the most beautiful scenes I‘ve ever had the pleasure to watch. So I‘m 40 years too late to capture a Christian or Aaron. But maybe I can find my own pal who will accept me for who I am.

It‘s the most beautiful time in my life, yeah at 56. I can never recapture the 40 years that I lost. But I can sure make up for lost time. So many scenes and the music in Latter Days brings me to tears. I‘m hurting, I‘m hurting for love. I‘ve been cut off like Aaron, for 40 damn years. I don‘t know how to express some of this stuff. Tears get in the way. This isn‘t a screenplay, it‘s blunt reality.

``Latter Days`` and ``Summer Storm`` are my life in fictional terms. I‘ve got a broken heart with miles of pain. I‘ve never said that before openly. I‘ve never said a lot of things openly. The stage was a perfect hiding place. I don‘t want to hide anymore. I want to meet my Aaron, Christian, Tobi, Leo, Steve, Marc, Kyle, the guys I passed by, Rolf, Indian Bob…

I don‘t know?

I believe in miracles. I‘ve never felt so much pain, hope, love, compassion, so many things at once. I cried again watching ``Latter Days``, after 7 or 8 viewings, and I‘m proud. I‘d love to share it with someone.

I still have a brother and sister who know nothing. I have Sylvia (my best friend) and a few other friends, the folks at work. Most of them don‘t need to know anything, not just yet. In the meantime, I‘m charting a course for my first gay adventures. I hope I have the guts to test the waters. It‘s an immense task to rove in the past, looking for clues, finding them, and wondering how I kept it all hidden from myself and the people around me.

Then again, it‘s pure joy to have found a part of myself that was hidden for so long. Spring seems like the perfect time to come out, a new Donald Fagen CD, Morph The Cat, fits nicely.

It‘s too early to give tips to anyone else. I can still use a few tips from other folks. On Friday I went clothes shopping. What does a gay guy wear on a party night? I don‘t know.

Frankly, I don’t know how to be gay or act gay. All I can be is myself. I signed up for the Trevor Project to help kids who might be contemplating suicide. I grew up in conservative, religious and homophobic times. There was no gay pride or Christopher Street Day, and no films like Brokeback Mountain. Thankfully we live in more liberal times but the memory of Matthew Shephard is still a strong reminder that we have a long way to go. I‘m privileged to live in a gay-friendly city in Germany that has a city-sponsored gay web site. At least a couple of thousand folks are registered, me too. I never had to come out to my parents. They died in 1984. But I also can‘t come out to my best friend, Rolf, who committed suicide in 1999.

I‘m finding my new identity on a rocky road. This is a road I‘m glad to be on, perhaps an endless journey, started way too late. The Road Not Taken. If I have any regrets, it‘s that the times didn‘t allow finding myself any sooner. I can‘t forgive my own stupidity. No kid should ever have to hide for 40 years, not ever again. I also can‘t forgive my own Catholic church, or the Mormons, or Islam, or any other religion that makes human beings to be outcasts. Deep inside, I know that God is on our side. He just doesn‘t preach on national TV. The ministers of hatred and prejudice seem to have more bucks for the airwaves.
.
No one has the right to separate us from God, or our fellow man.


``Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots.
But, more and more these days, I feel like
we‘re all connected, and it‘s beautiful, and funny,
and good.`` (Aaron Davis in ``Latter Days``)

It‘s only the second or third weekend of being gay. It feels absolutely great. I finally belong. I‘m not weird, just gay and kinky. So what. I love everybody the way I did before. More, much more.

Go watch two or three movies. ``Summer Storm``, ``Latter Days``, and ``Eating Out``. As Gwen says in ``Eating Out``, guys kissing is so hot. And buy the soundtracks. You won’t be disappointed.

I wish I knew how this story develops in the coming months. Nobody gave me a roadmap. I’m glad there are sites like this one that can be a support network. Soon, I’ll be coming out to my friend, Sylvia. Then we go from there. I’d also like to tell my sister but that’s not something you do over the phone, thousands of miles away.

I'll be posting more as time allows. Any comments/advice is sincerely appreciated.

Sorry this got rather long. Thanks for taking the time.


LorenzG1950

 

Hi Paul

Thanks for the nice welcome and you're absolutely right about not dwelling on the past. My focus will be on what's ahead. I'm certainly willing to help others anyway I can.

All the best,

Lorenz

 

Hi AgedWisdom,

That's an awesome story and thanks for sharing it. It's nice to know that there can be happy ends even when it's a long struggle to get there. I wouldn't mind having a son of my own but not at the expense of what you and your family had to go through. Your former wife must be an angel and your son very cool. I like the part about calling your partner step-daddy.

Maybe the younger folks can learn from our experiences.