Three years coming... but I finally crawled out!

So... okay, this is something of a long story, and it starts three years ago.

Three years ago, I was actually engaged to be married. My fiance and I had known each other several years at this point (at least seven) and had dated off and on in the past, and we came to the mutual decision that hey, we got on well enough. Why not? Not a terribly good reason to get married, but this was on the heels of my cousin's marriage. She's three months younger than me and we grew up together, and though we're entirely different in personality? My mother is of the 50s mindset that if a woman is not married and relying on her man to do everything for her, then clearly something is wrong with her.

Things were okay, for a while. He moved here, to my state, and thus began the tedious process of planning a wedding. Now, it wasn't that he isn't a nice guy, because he is. He was more... kind of a manchild. Or at least, that's what I told my family was the reason. He was having trouble adjusting in an unfamiliar environment, and I could understand that. What was becoming frighteningly obvious to me was the fact that I wasn't attracted to him, in any way. I finally broke the whole thing off by telling my mother that I didn't feel either of us was ready, and he moved back to his home state. We've stayed friends.

After the engagement was over, I spent three years - up until a few weeks ago - evaluating myself, my feelings, and all my past relationships. My mother continues to harp about me not dating or being interested in men, despite my cousin (the one who prompted her into her "you need to get married!" tirade with me) going through a particularly nasty divorce since her ex has left her for a woman fifteen years older than her. I looked back at every man I dated, every time I've chatted with friends about how attractive this or that man is, and I came to realize that I have never had more than a passing, aesthetic attraction to a man. I'm an artist. I have a critical eye. I have a natural sense of shape and figure and appreciate those that are an ideal appearance. But never had my appreciation of the opposite gender been anything but that: artistic.

My first true romantic crush had been a bisexual female classmate of mine in high school; she was one of my best friends. I still adore her. I considered that, as well as all of my relationships with friends and those closest to me. I considered what I preferred in appearance as well as personality, and realized what I guess all of my friends saw coming.

So just in the last couple of weeks, I've been talking to my closest friends, explaining to them that I've finally come to grips with something I'd been actively trying to deny. All of my friends have been very supportive (if entirely unsurprised), and one of my friends even laughed and told me to get out of the closet because everyone had figured it out already, and I was mussing the coats. Their general ease and acceptance has helped a lot, and though so far I'm only out to my close circle of friends? I'm realizing this is what I want. This is who I am. I'd been so dead set on wanting a family, a husband, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence that I'd completely neglected what I wanted. Those things weren't what I wanted, they were what my mom wanted.

And so, here I am. Out to some of my closest friends, and working up the courage to come out to my family as well. It's been very uplifting.

 

A much belated thank you, and - actually - an update.

Yesterday, I took one of the bigger steps in this process. I came out to my ex, who I was engaged to when this started to really come into the open for me.

He was, surprisingly, actually really okay with the whole deal. He had been worried for a long time that he'd done something wrong, and he'd realized we were really good buds, but I just wasn't into him that way, nor did I seem to be checking out other guys in the process. We remained good friends even after I called things off, and he has now stated he will be one of my biggest supporters, friends, and glee club whenever I need it.

He'd apparently been afraid to tell me he'd been seeing a girl for about a year and a half, and afraid to propose to her, because he was afraid it'd somehow hurt me. I told him I wholeheartedly blessed the relationship and he was pretty glad to see that.

I'm a lot more at peace with this now.

 

I guess somewhere in this, there was bound to be a "...what." After finding out that I had made an appointment with a therapist to help me sort through some of the anxiety and stress this has been causing (not because of being what I am, but because of not knowing how to approach my conservative, religious family with this), my mother decided it was time to call me on a fifteen minute break at work and badger me until I told her what was going on.

It isn't that I blame her, either. She went through a rather rough spot and spent years visiting countless therapists, so I understand her concern entirely. This just isn't something I was ready to talk to her about yet. In interest of having peaceful breaks for the rest of the day, however, we finally beat around the bush to the issue at hand and she decided that, while she was not angry or upset, she wanted to talk to me.

So, after work, I get dinner and go down and have "that talk" with my mother. Whose entire oration on the subject involved how this decision (I guess she thinks I went "Hey, I think I'll totally be a lesbian today" as opposed to said decision actually being "screw the rules, I like girls, and I'm going to stop hiding that") will be extremely difficult and there will be lots of people who won't agree and literally just a long piece on how many hardships and horrible things I was about to endure. She also thinks the therapist will tell me I'm "normal" and I just "haven't met the right guy." I told her I'm almost 29. I've dated a lot of guys, tried to spark myself to be interested in others. Nothing. But I find myself romantically and physically attracted to women and that's something I can't change.

But she wasn't angry or anything. She said that.

There really wasn't any mention of support, and she's mentioned she and my dad seeing a counselor for parents of GLBT individuals to find out "how" to support me. I guess I should be happy that she's not mad, and apparently she and my father had discussed this before, but... I don't know. I guess I'm sitting here thinking "I really did NOT need this before going to the therapist." Because now I'm even more anxious.

Haven't talked to my dad, though. I know he'll be less... well, vocal about it. He'll offer his support, but I doubt he'll say much otherwise. My dad's like that. But urh. The least she could do is live up to the fact that when I say "everyone - everyone - was expecting me to marry a guy like a "normal" girl and everyone told me that's what girls are supposed to do," she was included. Because lord knows she's been pushing hardest.