The first day of my new life

The past 48 hours have been overflowing with emotion. Fear... Anxiety... Panic... I had made the decision to begin the process of coming out of the closet. I didn't know where the door would lead if I opened it, but I sure as hell knew where I was headed if I continued to keep myself locked in and isolated from the world. Torn by years of abuse, social detachment and depression it took all of my remaining strength to work of the courage to make this major step to reclaim my life. This was certainly not easy to say the least but with the support of the articles, forums and wonderful members here at EC I was able to gain an understanding with what I was going through. I was able to gather my thoughts and developed a plan to come out to my best friend who is straight and currently married with children. I see him several times a week as we both enjoy playing video games or geeking out in front of the computer. He is also one of the only friends that I have left that I even really socialize with, as I have really withdrawn from society these past few years. His reaction would determine a large part of my happiness in the coming months. Even if he didn't want to hear anything about it beyond knowing, just having someone else still around to socialize with was important to help me with the transition. As I know I will be making good friends in future who will embrace me with open arms.​

A little back story.....

Having kept my sexuality hidden for 25 years has taken it's toll. I was raised in a christian community for the first 12 years of my life. Having been told that who i really am was evil and made to suppress my true identity. I began down a long road, filled with my poor choices it has simply made my life much harder than it had to be. Over the years I found myself not only trying to hide my sexual preference but masking my behavior in front of others. I did this to the extent that now I don't even remember who I was anymore. Over the next 11 years I had 4 failed relationships, two resulting in children. All before the age of 23 years old. I just wanted to be loved by someone, I so desperately wanted to share my life with someone. After my last relationship came to a screeching halt I had to step back and question everything. Here I was 23 years old and was at the very first step of truly coming to terms with who I am. I thought of all the problems I have had with finishing with women. It was always difficult to get aroused before sex as well. It got to the point where I learned that I could last as long as I wanted and when I was ready to finish all I had to do was think of gay sex. (can't believe I just wrote that :icon_redf) This at least portrayed to my partner that I was sexually attracted to them and I always passed off the trouble getting started to stress from work ect. So here I thought to myself that if I am thinking about guys while having sex with girls I am not only continuing to harm my life but I am also forcing deception, pain and suffering to the poor girl I am with. Something had to change! My life could not continue in this manner. As if I needed more confirmation... For the first time in my life I worked up the nerve to check out some gay porn... Oh ya.... I'm gay! :icon_bigg Unfortunately it took another 10 years of hiding it from friends and family tormented by the fear of not being accepted, of being disowned. Over the course of the 10 years my depression grew worse and worse until it consumed me. 3 years ago my computer repair business failed leaving me jobless and at the verge of suicide. My oldest son was 12 at the time. We both began to be supported by my father and still live with him to date.Well recently my dad has desperately been trying to find out what is wrong with me. He even contacted professional advice to see if Autism is what made we so withdrawn from society. This is the point that I knew i HAD to tell him and move on with my life.... but how!?​

The struggle of coming out to my 12 year old son

I in no way knew how to explain to my son that his father was gay. I did not even know where to begin! I knew this was an issue that had a very direct impact on his life. Well no matter how many times I put off sitting him down to have the discussion, that did not matter. The discussion found it's own way of coming out. Not to long after closing my business I was sitting in my room, head in my hands and sobbing. My son came into my room and asked "Dad, why are so unhappy all the time? I am really worried!" Which of course just made me cry more. He sat there trying to comfort me until I was able to compose myself. I told him that I have been struggling with something all my life and did not know how to quite tell him. I then proceeded to be honest with him and explained to him about the feelings I have had all my life. As I sat there telling him thoughts began racing through my head, "Oh God... I don't want him to think that he was a mistake!". Well like Katy Perry says, "Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" I then realised that I just opened the door to my closet for the first time EVER and it was with the help of my son. If I had never been in a relationship with a woman he would not be here so maybe I walked the path I did for a reason. I made sure to let him know that I love him very much and was proud to have him as my kid. His reaction to the whole event... "Ohh I don't care dad, [Student A] and [Student B] both have two moms." He then told me that kids at his school have even said that they are gay. Ya, and here I was thinking that he would not completely grasp what I was saying so quick. :eusa_doh: Kids these days!​

Coming out to my best friend (straight married guy)

2 Days ago

Having been up all night reading the EC forums and other information about coming out of the closet and then laying in bed for hours unable to sleep I decided I could not take it anymore. My heart had been beating so hard at the thought of coming out to my friend that it just echoed in my head on the pillow. No matter which way I turn I can still here it. So I picked up my cellphone and proceeded to start a text message to my friend. ​

TEXT- The next time you can stop by we need to talk about something important I hope it will not effect our friendship.

As I was typing out those words my mind was screaming "No stop don't send it!" "What are you doing!?" I have been putting up with your crap my whole life, Fear! Not anymore! My heart pounded and then I did it! I click the send button! :eek: There is no going back now! My friend called me immediately, he insisted on knowing what we needed to talk to him about. I stuck to my guns and said that we need to talk in person about this and refused to come out over the phone. At the same time I was concerned he would worry. So I told him that it was nothing that he did. I told him that it was about me and something I have struggled with for years. He come over later that afternoon.
Me: Hey wassup man
F: Hey.. So what is wrong man?
Me: Ya... Well.... (sigh) I.. I'm gay. I have felt different for 25 years and have known for 20. This is the way that I was born. It is the way I have been and always will be. I am still the same guy you come over and game with, none of that will change I hope.
F: Wow... ok man. Well as long you respect my sexuality then I will except yours... and I am definitely straight!
Me: LOL ...Ya no problem man.
(Later in the convo... Aww my friend is awesome!)
F: I am just pleased that our friendship is at a point where you felt you could talk to me about this.
Me: Well you are my best friend! ​

Coming out to my Dad

A few hours later

Well I had plans to maybe tell my dad this Friday when he came home early from work. If there was a negative thought about the outcome of doing this... I am sure I thought of it! I even was convinced that I quite possibly would find myself being kicked out of the house. My dad pulled me aside shortly after arriving home. He had noticed that I had taken to having a few drinks every night and that I was really upset about something.
Dad: You know son I am not trying to pry but you know you can always talk to me about anything that is bothering you.
Me: I know dad but I don't think I can handle telling you this right now.
Dad: Son you can tell me anything, what is wrong?
Me: (I started breathing heavy and my chest was frickin' pounding) Whoa man I don't know if I can tell you this... (Sigh)... I mean I want to have a place to sleep at the end of the night.
Dad: Ohh Scott I am not going to throw you out of the house! What? Have you done something?
Me: (I started crying and at the same time blurted) I'm gay!
Dad: (While giving me a big hug) (*hug*) Oh my dear boy, Your my son and I love you no matter your sexuality. You will always be special to me and the fact that you are gay will not change that. (At this point my dad started crying a bit) All these years you have been tormented by this!? Ohhh Scotty, I am so sorry that you did not feel you could come to me with this. If you would have only told me years ago.
Me: I'm sorry dad... I wish I would have said something sooner. This is the best reaction I could have possibly expected to get. I love you dad!

As with most parents my dad then proceeded to advise me to use caution and be safe. I reassured him that I was in good hands (with the advice from EC) on making the right steps in have a safe transition into a gay lifestyle.​

Also my son added to the convo which touched my heart...
“All I want is for you to be happy dad. If that means having two dads around, really I don’t mind.”
My son is 15 now, I am proud of the man he is growing to be!

Having been up close to 40 hours strung out stress, anxiety, fear and excitement... I sat there. OMG There is no way I can go to sleep right now! Do you realise what this means Scott!? You are no longer hiding in a dark closet, sad and alone. No longer going to be ashamed of who I am. NO longer going to sabotage MY life in the face of Bigotry, just so they can sleep better at night! Yes, I am gay and growing prouder by the minute!​

(&&&)

I then proceeded to drown myself in club music for several more hours on a roller coaster of emotion while high on life!(!)

Wow... This has been some crazy 48 hours!

-Scott (Lunarjax)



........ :sleep:

 

Thank you all for the positive feedback! (&&&)

Figured I would share yet another positive response I recieved from another close friend today. It was very touching to know that people can be so understanding.

I just only hope that someone will see these wonderful responses and know that there IS hope! It can get better! I am learning this myself more each day.