Now, I posted this back on ###, but I guess since this forum is for coming out stories, it would be apropriate to post it here as well. A little background: I had a crush on this guy, he is underage, there are some ethical and moral issues keeping me of acting, besides the legal stuff. I'm not sure of his sexuality.... or in fact I'm almost sure he's straight. Anyway, I've been feeling a little down lately, I haven't been sleeping well, I stopped caring about many things, including colege. And well, I noticed it was a text-book depression starting, so I dedcided I had to get it out of my system. I was in the closet, so I posted here, where I feel my privacy is respected, even if I know for a fact that there are so many ways in whic it could be breached, I'm not worried at all. I posted a couple of questions for the comunity, I got excelent answers, some of them changed my perspective on things, but I was still feeling a bit down. So I invited a friend to the lake (It's about half an hour drive from the city) We went there, we saw the sunset over the lake, we talked about her life, we talked a little about me, college and stuff. And then we were coming back to the city, it hit me. She is the one I'm comming out to... I've always thought that when I came out it would be to her... I knew she would understand. And so, when we were about six block away from her home (I picked her up earlier, so I took her home) I just said: I'm gay. She stared at me for a few seconds, and I repeated: I'm gay. She didn't believe me. She kinda laughed, so I repeated: I'm gay. I kept repeating it until we arrived to her house. Then I drove a couple of blocks and stopped the car. I realized what I had done! I took my cell phone and sent an SMS (short message system) saying: don't you have anything to say? She answered: about what?. Now, since I knew there were people with her I just wrote: you know about what. A few days later, I called her at about 11 pm, and we started talking about stuff, you know, making a little small talk. And then I said to myself: this is it, here you go. Now, I should mention I live in latin america, so we speak spanish, and in spanish Is quiet easy to speak without using HE or SHE or HIM or HER or whatever. So I told here I had a crush on someone, and that there were some moral issues that kept bugging me, and that he was just 15 (please note, I didn't use the he, I just said is 15y.o. in spanish it's common to say it tha way) Then we kept talking a bit about this, and we suddenly changed the subject to RPG. It was kind of fun, since the samer day I had found out this guy I had a crush on like RPGs, so It was easy for me to get him back into the conversation. Things went on for like half an hour, when the discussion became like this: *speaking about RPGs and this guy* her: Now, you can't possibly be thinkig about that! me: why not? it's not like I CHOSE to (meaning to like him) her: you would be corrupting this guy (note: she actually used the word GUY) me: *laugh* now, it's not like RPGs are going to corrupt him, I started when I was 12, and I turned up all right... her: oh, I see, then what's the big moral issue you've been talking about?? If it's just that, then go ahead and play RPG with him, It won't hurt him me: *I said, this is it, I can't keep being vague, I have to start either lying or telling the truth*IT'S NOT ABOUT RPG! her: then what is it? me: *silence* her: do you like him? me: *whisper* yes At first she didn't believe me, but we kept talking about it, and she finally started believeing me, and giving me advice. Now, don't worry, I won't do anything with this guy, I will keep fantasizing aobut him, but that's all. Last night IT ALL hit me. I came out. Not to the world, not even to her, I came out to me. I finally fully accepted the fact that I'm gay. And now I need someone to hug, someone to kiss, someone to love. And I am focused on this guy, even though I'm making every humanly possible effort to keep my mind away from him, and seeking with all my will someone to fulfill my needs. I am no longer depressed about this guy... now I'm depress for being alone, my wntire life I've been alone, now I'm tired, I want someone I can HUG! other than my dog, my pillow or my computer.
Congratulations! I think that's the biggest step in the whole coming out process. Yes, it's just the frst step, but it's a huge step to finally accept the truth. The proof of this is how your feelings about yourself have changed. And not only have you come out to youtself, you have also come out to a friend. She has to come to terms with the news now, but I'm sure once she becomes more comfortable with the situation I'm sure she will offer at least some of the support you need. I'm pleased you are taking the legal position with this guy seriously. Please don't weaken on that one. I know exactly what you are going through with your feelings for this guy. I'm sure many of us here have been through the same thing. Somehow you need to accept that it can't be - he's str8 and illegal. There is no easy way to break these feelings. I think getting together with him to pursue common interestd (RPGs etc) is just torturing yourself and making things worse, because you have another reason for wanting to be with him. Remember that we are all here to help and support you however we can. Take care, Paul.
I just fantasize about him. And there is nothing I can do about it. However I'm trying to limit the times when I see him, specially I try to narrow it to classes, so I have my mind focused on something else... like say... not getting kicked in the face...XD It's been getting easyer... except for a little misshapen. Now. I'll add that story to some other post.
