I'm being outed...

That sounds like a horrid situation to be in, at the start at least, we all like to be able to control how people find out about us being gay.

Could you tell us a little more about yourself, how old you are, what you're doing in life, how you know this person, so we can give you some advice on what you can do next?

 

Oh man im so wanting to just cry in my arms and let all your troubles dissapear but I know that wont work so If i were you I wouldnt worry about all those people I hate because if you hate someone who the hell cares if they know and you shouldnt, just because your not yet comfortable doesnt mean you should let them get the better of you and make you constantly believe they are thinking about you because in all reality who really thinks of someone else's problems all the time unless they are insecure about themselves to start with anyway just dont worry about those losers and go on with your life and find a new crowd to be in join an lgbt or something just dont talk to them

 

Urg. That sucks, especially when your not ready to be outed. The only thing I can think of is to out yourself, pretending to be okay with yourself, and come to terms with it in your own time. At least that way you control how people find out, and what their first impressions of your sexuality are, and that could change things for quite a long time.

Having to out yourself before your ready sucks, but its better that having nasty rumours spread about you. If there were a way to take back what you said, it might be different, but there isn't.

 

Don't get fussed about where you fall exactly on the scale. That could even be what you tell someone, if you have a close friend who you think would be the right person to tell, you could say, "I know I'm not straight", or "I'm somewhere between bi and gay", or "I like boys". Don't think of bi and gay as mutually exclusive terms. There's a generally used Kinsey Scale, where 0 is perfectly heterosexual, 3 is perfectly bisexual and 6 is perfectly homosexual. I'd put myself at a 5, for example, as I had a reasonable relationship with a girl once, and have the occasional attraction still for girls, but I'd call myself gay. But if it did turn out there was a woman I clicked with so be it. You don't owe these descriptions to anyone but yourself, no one can come back to you and say, "But you told us you were bi not gay?" or vice versa. If they do, just be honest, and say that these things aren't that simple.

And don't worry about what age you are compared to others. It is more obvious to some people than to others, but I think that has a lot to do with where they are on that scale. You'll find on this site a great span of ages of when people decide to come out.

It would help us advise you to know a little bit, your age, how close your are to friends. Trust us, others you know are unlikely to come across this, and such information shouldn't give you away. It makes a difference to give advice to someone who's in their teens, twenties, thirties, or older.

Ultimately, I'd be with Chip. Nice as I said above to be able to control the pace of coming out, but once it starts happening anyway, you can decide to take control of how you react.

 

I was 22 when it properly hit me that I was more gay than straight, and 23 when I realised that I was more 5 than 4 on a 0-6 scale. I don't mean to bog you down with technicalities of a scale, just to say that you're not the only one. Especially for someone who has at least some attraction to women, it can feel right for them to focus on that growing up. Through some of my teenage years, when I was in an all boys' school, I was sure I was gay. Then we were mixed at 16 and 17, and I felt surely I was mostly straight. Life and hormones aren't that simple.

2011 has only so much to do with it. If you were attracted to girls during your teenage years, then you can't be blamed for not coming out then. Unless you're writing from Canada or a few small number of other countries, there is still a legal bias against gay people. And while things are moving fast culturally, there will always be a bias there too towards heterosexuality, simply because of supply and demand, more people want to go to the cinema to see a romance between and man and a woman. So don't be hard on yourself.

If you come out as bi, and then later find yourself happily living with a wife and children later, so be it. It will still be true right now to tell others that you're interested in men. Why close it off now for the hypothetical idea that you'll stop being interested in men. What if you never stop? Or if it does, that's fine too. There's nothing fake about being as honest and truthful about what you feel now. It depends on what you mean by coming out and proud.

Also, I don't think it happens that often that men who have a predominant interest in men, and one longer than just a passing one, later turn out to be as straight as an arrow. At the same time, there are credible cases of where someone has gay romances in their youth, and later has good relations with women. I read of English authors Evelyn Waugh and Christopher Hitchens last year where this is the case.

Anyway, if there are more specific questions you want to go over with me, you could ask on my wall or PM me. Remember, you're not the only one in your situation, there were certainly times when I felt very similar feelings.

And remember the words of Polonius in Hamlet,

That is, if you're true to yourself, you can't be accused by another of being fake.

---------- Post added 4th Jun 2011 at 11:33 PM ----------

I know I've gone on a bit, but think of this. What if you continuing acting as straight, and you end up as being bi or gay. That would look fake too, and you miss out on the chance to start building relationships.

 

That sucks dude. My thoughts are with you, I hope everything turns out all right.

 

That really sucks. Can't even believe there are gay people out there that will really out someone like that :/

I agree with chip though. You can't go back in time and prevent this from happening, so now the best thing to do is face up to it so the blow isn't too hard. I would say start with your close friends so you can have support once it happens.

You might not be comfortable with it, but you can't let this guy get away with doing this to you. If you want, and I understand its really hard to do, you could turn the tables and start telling people exactly what he did to you or at least spread it. Just an idea.

As for your sexuality, I would say to not worry too much about it. Yes, you might come out as bi and end up just being gay, but its better than not coming out at all and then always thinking "has he heard? does he know?" all the time.

Sorry this is happening to you, but chin up and hang in there.

Best of luck

 

Dear thisisfate,
Exactly the same thing happened to me last year. I was on some anti-depressants at the time that were making me worse and caused me to go somewhat manic. During a panic attack I started rambling and mentioned the fact that I was a lesbian, the other girl I was with (who incidentally turned out to have a controlling personality disorder) instantly jumped upon it, and, being a lesbian herself spent basically a whole year emotionally blackmailing me about it. Every time I passed her in the corridor she would shout homophobic abuse and suggested that she would out me if I didn't do exactly what she said. She also told me that people would reject me utterly if they found out. Now this might sound like it's a depressing story but it's not! When I finally went to my teacher about it (admittedly with me staring at the table and blushing profusely) she gave me a some really good advice:

1) You should never let that person have that much control over you. The fear of that person is probably worse than what they are threatening.

2) Even if they do start spreading rumours you can always deny it if you feel you need to do so.*

3) that person thrives on control, if I were you I'd take away that power.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you xx*

 

I have been in a similar situation. But the chance is that rumours existed before anyone said anything. There were two sets of actions I did to combat this situation, one was to say to people I trusted. Then, all you can do if you don't want everyone to know is pretend it's just a rumour. It won't dispel everything, but those people probably spread it round anyway, and it should die down after a bit