Gay with Asperger's Syndrome and slowly approaching the coming out stage

Hello there. I have Asperger's Syndrome (Mild, but still a major part of my life) and am gay. Not sure if it's a common combination, but I thought I'd point it out. So my story with realising my sexuality is a rather long-ish one and perhaps tedious to read, but for the most part, I thought I might as well post it.

My grasp with sexuality first hit me around the time of puberty, like I'm guessing happens with most people. I thought I'd grow up fancying women, but it never really happened (though I tried to imagine the idea of being with a woman various times). I looked at them and adored them, but it wasn't sexually, it was only through the idea of them and they were for the most part, alien and mysterious to me, though as I've got older I've started getting on with them amazingly. Men on the other hand, I found myself utterly comfortable with from the very beginning and eventually started wondering what if I was gay and would it be a good feeling?

Now before I continue on, I was twelve, approaching thirteen at the time when I was having these thoughts. Just thought I'd mention it, in case it's vital for later on.

Anyway, I wanted to try to kiss a guy to see if it felt right. Around January 2005, two months prior to my thirteenth birthday, I did (and I'm not entirely pleased how I went through that method) and it felt wonderful. The other person didn't think so, but I couldn't give up this rare (and so far only) moment of love, even if it wasn't meaningful. Holding hands, kissing, it was definitely right yet at the same time, wrong. Whether it was because I wasn't exactly pleased with myself that I forced myself to explore myself this way and alienate someone I knew (though we're still friends) or because being gay was just not common place, I couldn't admit that I hadn't enjoyed it, because well I had.

Soon afterwards, I felt rather awkward and ashamed with myself. I couldn't possibly be gay, nor would I be allowed to (as I thought around the time), so I never said anything. Some time later however, I got found out by a close family member and was confronted about my sexuality and I came out and said I had an experience. It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I broke down and said it was a moment of weakness and that it would never happen again. And so I thought it would remain.

High school was terrible overall, in comparison to middle school. It was mainly because of the majority of the people I knew at the time were for the most part, immature and cruel, bordering on sadism. Sometimes, one of these insults would be that I would get would be that I was gay (just childish insults for the most part and I'm not sure if anyone actually thought I was). It did however make me feel bad and sometimes remember my previous experience.

It was back in high school, some time around my second and third years that I started wondering if I was gay again after my experience two years ago around that time and unoriginal "you're gay" insults. Though I never realised it at the time, I was more alive when I was with guys, usually trying to prove I was worthy of their time, where as with girls, I often felt distant and restricted. That if anything, probably stated that I was gay, but I was definitely ignorant at the time. It was strange too, because I thought around that time I'd either be straight or asexual (the latter of which I went with sometime near the end of my high school career) whilst having gay thoughts and fantasies on the quiet. Not once did I ever consider bisexuality and I have no idea why.

So around my GCSEs, I was definitely back in the gay zone, comfortable with the idea of fantasies, though still ashamed of myself like I was betraying some sort of fondations set for me. This continued on throughout my first half of college (a place I am totally in love with) until around the second half of my first year, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. Granted, there are still times when I try and think I may possibly be straight, but that's just pure stupidity on my part. I feel more comfortable when I think of being gay and more alive. Now I desperately want to try and come out to the people I love most, so that if I have their support, I won't have to ever feel bad about being out as a gay man and not feel like I'm betraying their trust.

Which leads onto my current situation. Due to having Asperger's Syndrome, I sometimes can't open up to issues I have and this is the main one I have and have had for two or three years, since realising my sexual orientation. I have a slight fear of disappointing people and letting people think the worst of me. Now I doubt my family (who I love dearly and am grateful for their help over nineteen years) are homophobic, but I'm not sure that they would totally understand the concept of homosexuality in a family member. Add to that the fear of disappointment I think I would be giving and the experience I had last time when I was asked about being gay, both have kept me in the closet.

I now feel the need to tell the family members who have been my constant assistance throughout my life about myself and admit to them that I'm gay, as I can't keep it a secret any longer and I want to be honest to them, before I go out and explore myself further.

Apologies for the extremely long post and thanks to anyone and everyone who reads this thread, I very much appreciate it.

 

Actually, maybe this should be moved to the Support and Advice part of the forum, I'm not sure.

 

Yeah I think whether or not you have Asperger's, expressing openess about this is difficult. Thanks for responding.

I feel bad for this, but I told a little lie in my opening post, I did actually tell a few too many people like yourself, but only friends and one relative. I kind of wish I hadn't done so now, but you learn these things.

But thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

Ah Psuedojim, you're a bit of an inspiration to me on this forum. From what I've read of your posts, you're a great guy with some good thoughts in general (same goes to Revan) and it's a nice surprise to see you have the same condition.

I may consider option C at some point, but for now, I guess I'll just try and build up myself to eventually saying something.

Thanks again everyone, really appreciate the time you took to respond.