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Starting the process

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Skyfire13, Jul 17, 2011.

  1. Skyfire13

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Perth, Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Everyone has their own coming out story and mine is no different. Though I should say it is probably more of a coming out process than a strict story.

    To start off I knew I was different, at least orientation wise, when I was in sixth or seventh grade. I was a bit more keen on seeing the seniors take off their shirts for shirts and skins soccer and smelling the after cologne of the older guys in the photo room than I was in peeking into the girls lockerroom. It was also about this time that I figured out what 'gay' meant and I was smart enough to know that it described who I was. This realization, combined with the healthy dose of hormones and no outlet to process it, made me an extraordinarily moody teenager. I started to withdraw from sports and friends that I liked because, frankly, I was afraid. I was not confused about what I was--just incredibly afraid that they wouldn't want to be with me after I told them. So, I made a pact with myself. I would come out if someone--anyone--asked if I was gay. If a gay guy from another school, or from another team, or anyone asked I would have told them. But, maybe I was a bit intimidating or had an iron shell because no one ever did.

    So I went through high school being in the closet. I never got to get my first kiss watching the Lord of the Rings in theaters. I never got to share a dance with a guy at a dance or even have the awkward fumbling of a first date. I never got to look out in the audience before a play to see if my boyfriend was there or embrace him with my sweaty soccer uniform after a winning (or losing) game. I watched all of my friends, the ones I liked and the ones I didn't, go through this from the prison of my own making.

    After high school I figured I would come out, that this was finally the time I could start being open about who I was in a new environment. But, through a combination of almost-there test scores and a family that wasn't awash in money I ended up going to the university in my state not even a mile from my house. Hell, I thought, I might as well do it anyway--I can make new friends in college. So one summer day I came out to my mom. I told her that I was gay. Her reaction was less than ideal. She didn't yell at me, or kick me out of the house, or say anything terrible. She just told me that I couldn't be sure unless I had a boyfriend, and that since I didn't have a boyfriend I didn't know what I was. Those words, coming from my mother, had the worst effect possible on me. Those words eroded all the confidence I had built up, all the willpower it had taken to come out. In essence she had told me a scientific answer (in her mind)--that since I hadn't had gay sex I wasn't gay. I cried in silence for the rest of the summer.

    College came and I was still in the closet. Looking back on it now it seems silly but I told myself that I wouldn't have a boyfriend if I was a "closet case". I thought, in my heart of hearts, that it was disrespectful to have that experience with another guy but not be able to talk about it. But, at the same time I wasn't prepared to lie to my family either. So I was stuck half-in and half-out of the closet.

    I didn't join the gay clubs because it was tantamount to admitting you were gay so I went through the next four years without a stolen kiss at the big football game, or the horny sex in the dorm room, or the cuddling on the grass in the fall. I told myself I was open to a relationship but nothing happened. Even when I studied abroad in Australia--where they have a Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras--nothing happened. My fantasies about guys never changed--but I never left the closet because I was afraid.

    Graduation from college came and went and still nothing happened. For me, I realized recently, being in the closet isn't the worst part about being gay. It was the fact that I couldn't come out of that was corroding my confidence. I started to tell myself that if I couldn't come out of the closet, then how would I have the confidence to do other things. I started to doubt every decision I made from the wording of a sentence in my senior thesis to what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't have the confidence to say that I wanted to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a farmer or anything because I didn't even have the confidence to say that I liked guys to my family and friends.

    So, I decided to get as far away from everyone as I could possibly get and I enrolled in a graduate program in Perth, Australia. But, that didn't help either as I had no friends, no family, and I was in a totally new environment. But, after a combination of a period of depression and a 'f*ck it' attitude I finally came out to a few friends online. Then, my family. Everyone has taken it well so far, and I know I still have a ways to go yet, but hey, at least I have started.




    The worst part about the closet is that I denied myself all those things that all the teenagers and kids in collge got to go through. No one forced me to do it. The only warden in my personal prison was myself. I feel like I missed out on an important part of my life because of those restrictions. And I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and disappointed that I didn't get to have those experiences. But, there is nothing I can do to change the past so all I can do is learn from it.

    So, here I am, a 23 year old grad student living in Perth finally coming out.
    Wish me luck. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Bosco

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    I can relate to your story in so many ways.
    I wounded up going to my nearby university and am commuting there every day. Frustrated with the lack of freedom I was looking forward to and also with myself for shying away from coming out as I had promised.
    Confidence is definitely something I'm struggling with and it is really nice to talk to other people who are in the same boat.

    Thanks for sharing and Good luck!
     
  3. Dewey

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    I'm a bit younger than you but I'm in the same boat. I feel I missed and will continue to miss all the good things in life if I don't get a hold of my confidence issues. I came out to my parents and a few friends but I kind of just stopped there because the thought of coming out to everyone is too overwhelming. You story helped me though as it kind of gave me a push to think more about coming out to others.
    Thanks for sharing.
     
  4. Tristar

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank you for sharing your nicely-articulated story.

    You remind me of someone I know! :grin:

    It is easy to look back and be sad over all that could have been (trust me, I have gone through that phase as well, and I have 25-30 years of "missed opportunity" I could obsess over). But, like you say, moving forward is all that must be done now. You have years ahead of you and I do too (just not quite as many :slight_smile:). Make the best of them!

    May happiness walk beside you during your journey.

    (!)
     
  5. theWorldisYours

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    Thank you for sharing. I think many of us here can definitely relate. Congratulations on coming to terms.
     
  6. Bowie

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    I can also relate to a lot of what you've said. I really do wish you good luck.