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Feels like the first exhale in 12 years

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by plaid900, Jul 25, 2011.

  1. plaid900

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    Hey all, this may not all make sense. It's sort of rambly, but it was good for me to type this out. Almost like a journal entry.

    So I joined EC back in November 2010, when I first finally came out to myself. It was a weird experience, but unfortunately I went back into denial. Since then it has been almost cyclical how I come out to myself and repress it again.

    But some recent events in my life have given me signals that I need to do this. My grandma passed away, and literally one of the first thoughts when I heard was "alright, one less person to tell". Or on my birthday I thought "good work - another year down and no one knows. In terms of a lifespan you're like 30% done". Really?! as if life is a endurance competition in which you need to prevent people from knowing the real you..

    So last night it happened - telling the first person. There were a few drinks involved, and I can't remember exactly how the conversation started, but I said to my friend "I have something to tell you.." And then I locked up. We were lying in the grass, and literally for the next 2 minutes, all I could do was stare at the sky, not talk, and not look at her. We were surrounded by friends, and so I asked her if we could go inside to my bedroom. There we sat for probably another 2 minutes as I stared blankly at a wall, started crying, and couldn't look her in the eye. She was so helpful (and partially knew what was happening, which was great). She kept saying "it's fine, just say it". And then I did! Her response was amazing - immediate hugs, proud, blah blah. It's weird, because the response was what you read in 95 of these stories, supporting and loving, but you try to convince yourself that those people have super supportive friends whereas mine won't understand. I asked her if she knew this was what I was going to be saying, and she said "When you said 'I have something to tell you' I knew it was either going to be 'I'm gay' or 'I love you', but I was leaning towards 'I'm gay'.

    But it feels so good. This is a sort of comfortable I don't think I've EVER felt. Like my title says, it feels like I've exhaled for the first time in 12 years. The anxiousness comes back when I think about telling my family, other friends who I seriously think might have a problem, but then I think about last night, and can't help but tear up and smile :slight_smile:
     
  2. PsychoticMonkey

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    Congrats :slight_smile:. Glad it went so well!
     
  3. FloatingPiano

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    Congradulations!!! :grin::grin:
     
  4. BradThePug

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  5. Katelynn

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    Congratulations! I know I felt exactly the same way when I came out for the first time to my friend & she was super supportive too. It really does feel so much better saying the words to someone & knowing you're not the only one who knows who the real you is!
     
  6. Bowie

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    First of all, congratulations! (!) It really feels great.

    My opinion is that now you've told the first person, talking to her openly will make you feel better and more used to your it. Then your anxiousness should diminish.
     
  7. Mogget

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    The more people you tell, the easier it gets. The first five or six are the hardest.
     
  8. Aeon

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    Oh my gosshhh that story gave me the biggest smile on my face. I'm so happy and proud of you!! :slight_smile: (*hug*) Keep at it!