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First Time You Said It

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Beachboi92, Jul 25, 2011.

  1. Beachboi92

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    I realized that this is something that i see in a lot of coming out threads so i figured i'd make a thread to compile stories about the first time you said out loud to yourself that you where gay/bi/trans/a lesbian/etc.

    For me i remember i had been terribly depressed for like a week. I was spending all my time in my room under the covers just wanting to sleep. I had been spending a lot of time on the internet looking at different things about how people knew etc etc. I believe i had even been on this site a little bit before i said it. I just remember sitting in my room thinking "you have to say it, maybe it will just feel right." and "You have to say it to yourself before you can say it to anyone else." So finally i whispered to myself "I'm gay" and it suddenly felt like this massive weight was lifted off my shoulders and i perked up and i said it again, and a few more times. each time i got a little louder until i was all smiles. Then i heard my brother coming up the stairs and freaked out because i was worried he had heard me xD I believe i came out to my mom 1 or 2 weeks later. It was a long fight from the start of middle school to my senior year of high school to get myself to say those 2 words but it was worth it :slight_smile:

    So what's your story, how did you feel about it?
    (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)
     
  2. I was all broken up about thinking I might be gay, but my experience was similar to beachboi's. I was sitting alone in my room, trying to figure out how I'd missed this crucial piece of information and thinking maybe I was wrong and how would I break it to my boyfriend if it was true. So I sat on my bed and said it. " I'm a lesbian. Ew. I think I hate that word. Nope, I'm gay."

    And then despite all the doom I thought being gay would wreak upon my life, I felt inexplicably happy like I would dance or simply float away...
     
  3. FJ Cruiser

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    Oh wow...My story is freakishly similar to yours, including being depressed for a few days beforehand, whispering it to myself and gradually getting louder, being afraid that my brother heard, fighting it from middle school until accepting it my senior year, looking things up on the internet which led me here. The main difference is that I'm not out yet.
     
  4. ijustdontknow90

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    I said a few times to myself over the years (from the time I was 12), but I always quickly dismissed it.

    The first real time I said it to myself was this past May. I had been googling things for days like "can i look at homosexual porn and still be straight?" and things like that. Eventually, I knew the answer was staring me in the face. I said it, late one night, and rather than making me feel better, I actually started sobbing. I sobbed for about an hour until I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke up, and sobbing session had taken such an emotional toll on me, that I pretty much retreated back into the closet. Then, about two weeks later, the same thing happened. Then, about a month later (sometime in mid-June), and this was the last time I sobbed myself to sleep. Each time I've admitted it, it seems more and more true, so I guess I'm progressing.
     
  5. Kidd

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    I honestly can't remember because it was so long ago. I used to sit in my room and practice saying it in the mirror though, at night and when I was home alone. It felt so right to say it.
     
  6. Shmoe

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    When I fell in love, I basically thought to my self "Guess I'm gay".
     
  7. Hitchhiker

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    This is going to sound strange, but my friend made me say it out loud in exchange for her wearing a helmet on her skateboard... LOL
     
  8. Mr.Pushover

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    I've never said to myself "I'm gay" because it feels just as wrong as saying "I'm bi" or "I'm straight". So I just say "I like guys."
     
  9. JDog

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    First time I told myself I was gay was when I was writing in my journal which I know isn't the same as saying it out loud but I still felt a huge sense of relief at having finally admitted it to myself.
     
  10. theWorldisYours

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    I have to admit, that this moment was not a very happy time for me. I was terribly depressed, and really battling my sexuality. i think it was around the first time I tried to have sex with my girlfriend and failed. But anyway, saying it for me was like tearing up all of the plans I had for myself, and at the time, I really didn't see any other options.
     
  11. FloatingPiano

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    The first time I actually said it out loud was a few weeks ago, and it honestly felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It felt great to finally just accept that I was gay. Shortly after that I came out to my best friend and a few others. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Raeil

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    The first time I said it was mid-October 2010. I suppose technically I had said "I'm gay" before that, but "I'm gay" had always been followed by "and that's not what I want to be" or "and I want you to take this from me, God" or "and that is a sin, so I choose not to be." Needless to say, all those other times didn't work out nearly as well as I thought they were going to. Ok, so story time for the mid-October self-coming-out.

    I had been at college for a year, and returning to classes in August 2010 for my sophomore year was great. Mostly, this was because my closest friends were much, much closer together. The suites were 2 rooms with 2 beds each, and there was a guy's suite and a girl's suite (plus four other people who couldn't fit into those, so they were scattered up and down the hall). Being in the guys suite with three other guys (all of whom are rather cute, though I've managed to block that impulse since we're all living together again this school year) I prayed those anti-gay prayers quite a lot. By this point, I was thinking "I'm straight. I have to be straight. These thoughts and feelings aren't actually me."

    So in September, I notice that I'm really paying attention to one of the girls from the girls's suite. Her laugh is amazing and she loves to read, and as time went on, I thought "Hmm, I think I might like her." By the start of October I've convinced myself that I like this girl, and so I ask her out. A week later she tells me that she doesn't think we have that much in common, so I don't think us dating would be a good idea. My brain instantly agrees with her, and so we make sure everything is still ok as far as being friends is concerned and then part ways.

    I get back to my dorm and my brain starts racing, trying to figure out why I didn't realize that we really didn't have enough in common to start a relationship. It starts putting together as much info as it can, and then my brain realizes how horrible it could have been if she had said yes. Seriously, if she had said yes, I would have tried to make it work and failed to do so. I could have seriously hurt this great friend of mine because I made a mistake and didn't see our lack of common interest. So my brain redoubled its efforts to figure out why I hadn't seen the problems with asking her out. Then it just kind of hit me. I had been trying to prove to myself that I was straight by dating her. It was a horrible thing to do, and the manipulative nature of it changed my perspective.

    I started realizing that if I continued to deny my sexuality I'd end up hurting other great (girl) friends because of my need to prove my straightness. So I allowed myself to think "I'm gay... and that's ok." I think I also said it, but the thought itself was enough to cause the feeling of weights lifting off your shoulders, like everyone talks about. From that point on, I stopped trying to change myself, woo! That's the story, and this is the end of the wall of text.
     
  13. Colosses

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    win i first seed it i felt like Sh@# and i did not no what to do and thin i did not eat much but i relizd it to a pic that was vary grafick....
     
  14. IanGallagher

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    Sixteen. It finally made sense upon learning about Alexander the Great via the movies and Collin Farrel's interview where he said he believes everyone's bi to some extent. Took me years to accept it though.
     
  15. 14, I guess. I had always considered myself straight until then, but then I fell in love with a girl for the first time. I think I also whispered to myself "wow, I guess this makes me bi or something..."
     
  16. solarcat

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    I was concerned that by simply repeating it to myself, I'd actually convince myself that I ws gay regardless of whether or not it was true. And I don't want to convince myself I'm gay, I wanted to find out the truth.

    The first time I actually have said it to myself though, was last week.
     
  17. Gay Boi

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    I was thirteen when I first said it. I had always known I was different from other guys but I did not know the word gay before I was twelve. It was a relief to know there was a name for how I felt :slight_smile:
     
  18. Noahroxursox

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    The first time I said that I was gay to myself was a few days after I realised that iwas gay
     
  19. acd92

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    The first time I said it out loud to myself was after going out to eat with a straight guy (really, really long story that doesn't belong here) and I said to myself, out loud as I was walking back to my dorm, "hm, wait...he's...cute. And...I like...him. A lot." It took me a long time to come to grips with myself after realizing that I actually had feelings for another person of the same sex as me.

    About a week after this, I whispered to myself before going to sleep: "You're bisexual. Bi. Sexual." And oh my god it sounded so warm and comforting to me. So every day when I woke up, I would look in the mirror and say "Hi. I'm bisexual. And it's okay." And I still do that to this day.
     
  20. KaotikPrincess

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    The first time I had said it out loud was actually to my mother...

    I was sitting in my room after school I had come home a little confused, didn't know what to do because I was getting these thoughts about other girls I had never experienced before and this had gone on for not longer than a week when I came home and went in my room and my mother was home on her day off from work (she was a single parent and I am her only child) and I couldn't help the confusion and thoughts going on inside my head so I began to cry and so I went into my mother's room ( I could always talk to her about anything and she wouldn't judge me) crying and I told her that I like girls as well as boys and that I was sorry and I didn't know what to do and she looked at me, dried my tears, and said "I went through the same thing when I was your age (14), so don't worry, no matter what happens and you live your life gay or straight I will still love you just the same." :kiss:

    So that is what happened, it was not as hard for me as it is for most of the people I read about on here and I am so lucky and thankful to have a parent who loves me unconditionally. I want to be like my mom in that sense, I will love my children no matter what, it's their life, they should be able to live it the way they want to... as long as it's not hurting anyone lol :thumbsup: