Telling my mom didn't go that well.

I'd be more concerned about her crying and why she feels sad in the first place, I think not only is she accepting what you feel but it's escalating even more so in her mind.

You have no need to prove anything, she's already being convinced, and I would say talk to her soon in a calm manner, if it gets heated at all back away.

 

Egads, I'm really sorry to hear this. I remember reading about how chill and supportive your brother was, so maybe try calling him and having him talk to your mom or at least get his advice. He would know your mom better than any of us. Mostly, it sounds like she was unprepared for the news. When you do talk to her mostly find out why she was crying. What she thinks this means for your future, and who your are. I also think it might be the case that you won't have to show her it is phase. If she really were convinced of this, I don't think she would not have had such an emotional reaction. I wish I could offer better advice, but really all I can say is that I suspect she will come around. As another ECer wrote: "We can simply trust and demand that those who owe us unconditional love to keep true to their responsibilities."

 

Hey, sorry it didn't go as well as you'd hoped. (*hug*)

But like the other posters have said, her crying is a sign that she realizes you're not kidding and you're not just going through some phase. She wouldn't be so upset if she really thought you were. Not that it makes it feel much better, I know...

The other thing you should know is that a lot of parents, upon finding out that their child is LGBT have to go through a process almost like grieving to come to accept their child. If she's upset right now, maybe that's the path she needs to take. It's not anything you did, it's just that parents often have an idea of how we're going to be and, especially with parents who don't know much about gay people, they grieve the loss of that image of their child's life the way they imagined it would be. If that's what's going on with her right now, she's gonna be okay, and you will too.

Talk to her if she asks, answer any questions calmly, perhaps print out some PFLAG information and leave it somewhere for her.

 

Sorry to hear coming out to your mom didn't go that well. I am still trying to build up the courage to tell my parents :/. Anyways, I don't necessarily think you have to convince her that your sexuality is a phase. Obviously, as Marlowe said, she was shocked and surprised. I think your mom saying "it's just a phase" might just be your mom's own way of dealing with the situation. She'll come around and when you guys do sit down and have a conversation, just reassure her that you're still her son and you haven't changed. If my mom reacts like this, I think I would just go out and give her a big hug and let her know everything is going to be ok. Hope this helped a little. Good luck!

 

I'm sorry to hear things didn't go the way you hoped. Like someone else mentioned, though, many parents have to go through the stages of grieving when coming to accept the "death" of what they expected of their child. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that she is beginning to accept that this isn't a phase but it will take time for her to fully accept that you are not exactly who she thought. She will come to realize that you are still you, and that she still loves you no matter what.

The stages of grieving and some of the things she did that show this is sort of what she is going through are:
1) denial-she told you this was just a phase
2) anger-she was mad you told your brother first
3) bargaining-saying you don't act gay and she would have known if you were so you must not be
4) depression- her crying
5) acceptance- I think she will get here. Just calmly talk to her once she has calmed down a bit more, and I think she will come to understand.

 

I am sorry it did not go as you hoped with your mom. Despite her initial reaction, remember that you have had some time to adjust to your being gay. She is just hearing the news. Give her some time. There is a very good book for parents of gay kids, called, “Now that You Know.” Amazon.com: Now That You Know: A Parents' Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children, Updated Edition (9780156006057): Betty Fairchild, Nancy Hayward: Books. Perhaps you can recommend it to her.

PFLAG also has some great pamphlets that you can download. PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays. After she has a little time to calm down, maybe also suggest she find a PFLAG chapter in your area and go to a meeting.

Hang in there and keep us updated.

 

Sorry to hear that,

The other EC'ers have given you some great advice already. Like thedreamwatch said, your mom is grieving the loss of her expectations for you. It takes time, and she'll probably come around.

I hope everything works out! I think you'll both be fine in the end

 

That's good to hear! I'm sure your friends mom will talk some sense into her. It sounds like your mom is on the right track.

 

I think your mom needs time for it to sink in. Perhaps your brother can be there to help support you and comfort her. That is good that your mom is trying to find out about it by talking to your friend's mom. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Oh dear, I'm sorry. I don't really know what to tell you, except that even though your mom's wrong to think that you're screwing up or that it was a choice for you or that this is a phase, she cares about you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be so upset. She's probably just worried because it IS sometimes harder for LGBT people to navigate life, with the lack of acceptance we sometimes face.

I'm not sure what else you can do really, but it seems as though talking to you brother and having him on your side in this is a good idea.

The other thing is, PFLAG. They have lots of information for parents who think this way when their child comes out. I don't know if you could convince her to go to a local chapter just yet, but you might be able to get some of their pamphlets online for her. It's good stuff, I've read a few of them, it answers a lot of questions they might have and also dispels a lot of false beliefs about being LGBT.

 

Mark, did you give her the PFLAG pamphlets personally? Maybe try putting them somewhere she will be likely to find them when she is alone instead? I think that at the point she is at, she's not ready to show any sign of accepting it to anyone else. She needs to work through this in her own head first, and allowing her to look at the pamphlets on her own time without anyone around might help with that.

 

Wow i'm sorry to hear that. You're right about giving them time and just try not to let it get to you (haha easier said than done) and stay above their pettiness. It's always comforting when you're more mature than your parents . One thing i've learned, you can't tell individual family members things in confidence, because it never stays in confidence! It was really desperate and stupid of your mom to use that though against you. Only thing i can think of is to try to totally make up with your brother, because you need someone totally on your side through this.

It's strange how your friend's mom got the impression your mom was starting to accept it, but then you mom turns around and does this. Is your mom a Christian? I'm wondering if that might have something to do with it. My mom is, and she will give the impression to people she knows that she has a certain position on something, but really she doesn't think that and is just saying that because she knows it's the widely accepted position on the issue and doesn't want to start a confrontation.

 

So, I can't really offer any advice, but hang in there. As you yourself recognize you have made it this far, and now its all over but the shouting. I think you show incredible patience and poise in this attitude, especially since you still live with your parents. I don't think I would be able to handle this even being away from them. So, yeah, remember we are always here to listen, even if all that you want to do it rant.