Today, I had the perfect opening to come out, which I have been planning on doing for a while. A really close friend of mine began talking about how a friend of hers (whom I know) had come out to her and how happy she was for him that he had finally come terms with this part of his identity. I really wanted to say something, but I couldn't and I just ummed and ahhed for what seemed like an eternity until I desperately changed the topic. I was literally speechless and now I am kicking myself because I feel that it is unlikely that such a natural segue will present itself again in the near future. If I couldn't tell her with context, I can't imagine getting up the courage to do it out of the blue.
Aww, i'm sorry to hear that Marlowe. But if those words didn't come out, just means you're not ready not that you won't be able to do it in the future! These things happen a lot, take a look at Yuki's thread in the Support and Advice section. Plus your chance isn't completely gone, you can still call or e-mail her and say "You know how you were talking to me about so and so yesterday...". I believe in you!!!
Hi there! First off, congrats on trying! Don't forget that this counts as well. Every time you try, it brings you step closer to coming out. Sometimes, everything seems right and we see an opportunity but for some reason we are not completely ready to come out. Remember that with your first coming outs, and also with trying to come out to all the important people in your life, you are trying to let go of something you have kept inside of you and with which you had to come to terms with. Sometimes, what is holding us back is the inner fear of how people will react. What will they say? But now that you know that your friend is absolutely supportive and accepting, that might actually make it easier on you for the next time. Given that she has talked about your mutual friend and how happy she is for him, she'll probably talk about that friend again or she might mention something that will give you the opening. Not to worry, opportunities will present themselves. And maybe, you might also get to the point where you feel you can create that opportunity yourself. (*hug*)
I agree with the other two replies, please don't beat yourself up about it. I missed a lot of opportunities to tell people when I was coming out too. I felt bad at the time, but as has been said, its just part of the whole process. In the end, I managed to do it, and you will too. There's no doubt about that. Maybe you just weren't ready for it this time. But the fact that you have the will to do it now means that you will carry it out at some point. Don't get too down about it, opportunities will arise again and at some point, you will take it P.S. You know that she is going to be totally accepting of you. And two, you now have a way of bringing it up in conversation, by asking about her other friend who came out. Maybe if you brought it up, it would help you tell her, rather than randomly bring it up out of the blue. All the best!
Don't beat yourself up for not being able to come out to your friend. Mirko hit the nail on the head. You have held this inside of you for so long, its hard to let it go. You can be assured that you will have a good reaction from your friend when you are ready to come out. Come out to her when you are ready. Its not a race.
Please don't worry about not being able to do it this time. I can't tell you how many times I missed opportunities, or I said I was going to do it and just couldn't. If you really think you're ready and you just freeze up when it comes to saying the words, it might help you to write out what you want to say even if you don't plan to give your friend a letter. It just helps you know what you want to say when you are ready to say it. As for opportunities coming up again, when you are ready you could always start a conversation that brings it up by asking about that person and how they're doing.
Most of you have mentioned it and I have seen this advice elsewhere that "if the word didn't come out maybe you aren't ready." In some sense this seems intuitive correct, but I don't really understand it. I feel like I am ready to come out, or at least I certainly want to come out in a very real way. And if I am not ready, how do I know if I am ready? for what am I waiting? Godot?
I understand what you're saying. Here's what I think, from my own personal experience. You are ready to come out. The fact that you wished you had told your friend clearly indicates this. However, you just haven't found the right time to do it. I'll try and explain. When I was coming out, I felt ready to do it. I'd decided that I was going to start telling people, whereas before I had no desire to "come out". I'd started to identify the first people that I was going to tell. You are at this this stage I believe. However, in my experience, even when I'd identified the people I was going to tell, opportunities arose for me to tell those people and I didn't take them, just like you didn't take the opportunity to tell your friend. Believe me, I had a whole walk home with someone that I was wanting to tell, and I couldn't get the words to come. I'd written out text messages and emails before deleting them again. I missed countless opportunities to tell people, even when I wanted to. Why? Because coming out is pretty scary, and awkward, and difficult. There's no getting away from that. As someone else said, you've held this information in for a long time, by yourself. The fact that you are deciding to share this information with someone else is a big step. Change scares us, and so we'd rather avoid it. We'll put it off and put it off. But in the end, you can't put it off any longer. I managed to finally tell these people. The pressure simply built up in my head until I could no longer put it off. Was it difficult, scary and awkward? YES! But it was worth it. I think that's what we're trying to say when in this instance, you just weren't ready. You are ready to tell her, you just need to find the right the time, and you'll know yourself when that is. Try not to let this missed opportunity get to you too much, instead tell yourself that you'll do it next time. Perhaps you will or perhaps you won't, but you will do it at some point, because you want to do it. I hope that makes some sort of sense Also, if you feel like you can't do it face to face, look into other ways such as texts or email or msn/fb. I used these things to tell some people because I personally found it easier to do. It depends on how you feel though, everybody is different. There's no right or wrong way to come out though. All the best
Are you sure she doesnt already know? I know my friend talked about my coming out process to a friend she knew was gay because she hoped he would feel comfortable enough with her to come out, he didn't right away either but three weeks later he messaged me and talked to me he had seen me in her mutual friends, and he was brave enough to come out, i'm not suggesting you email her friend just telling you a similar story, but it is a possible route.
I don't think so considering a number of other circumstances, but, it doesn't really matter whether she knows or not, since I know she will be supportive. It is really about getting the words out after holding them in for so long. I know at least two people have wondered if I were gay in the past few years, and I am pretty sure that most other people suspect. I don't think it is normal for somewhat well-adjusted 22-year-olds to have never had a real girlfriend, and I have never really tried to pretend I am heterosexual. Thanks for the advice, WillNeverMarry. It really helps to have someone articulate what I am feeling, and you did it so well. In response to your worry: It definitely did. I guess a lot of people, maybe all, go through this, so it is fantastic to be able to read about your experience and see where my own fits in.
Since you started posting here, I've been amazed to see just how similar experience is to mine. Like you, I have also missed several opportunities to come out after having consciously decided to do so. And yes, it's weird that someone can feel ready and even eager to come out, but not be able to do it. I think that, after many years in the closet, we develop some kind of psychological mechanism that keeps us from saying the words. Maybe we simply can't handle the definitive, irreversible act that is coming out. Anyway, as others have said, you shouldn't feel bad about it. With time, as you grow more used to the fact that you are gay (in my experience, it actually helps to <i>feel<i> gay and naturally recognise it as an inherent part of yourself), it will get easier, and you'll manage to do it. (*hug*)
