Long day

It’s been a long day. Last week my brother moved out- I don’t know where, but supposedly he’s at some place that helps vets with their stress. So he moved out, but left his computer for me to use since my laptop’s busted. I set it up, and I notice he has a file labeled “book.” I was curious to know what kind of book he was writing, so I took a peek. It was wrong, I know, I should have respected his privacy and left it alone, but I took a look. He seemed to be writing about himself- he used his real name, I saw a few details that were accurate- but he wrote that he’s gay.

I didn’t know what to do. He seemed certain, and if he is, I’m glad for him, but it’s a hell of a revelation. I started feeling really anxious. I was happy a few moments earlier, but now I’m freaking out. I decided to take a shower to calm down, so I got in, started the water, and started crying. I don’t know why. Then I started to consider coming out. Maybe tell him, let him know about me, and if he wanted to tell me, I’d listen, if he didn’t want to, I’d leave it alone. There’s no easy way to contact him, though. I could tell my mom, get my parents’ reactions so he’d know what to expect when he’s ready. Is that a bad idea? Is it too soon, am I ready? I had no particular reason not to, though. I was confident that I’d be accepted. But…

I stopped crying, washed myself off, and got dressed, and eventually gathered the courage to tell my mom I wanted to talk to her. She came into my room, I closed the door. I must have stood there, silently for a few minutes, muttering about how there was something I was thinking about for a while, and finally told her that I was gay. There’s no going back, no pushing pause… so we started talking. She was telling me how she still loved me, I’m still her son, it’s not my fault. Everything I rehearsed in my head was gone. I just stood there trembling. I wanted to show how much her accepted meant to me, so I gave her a hug and started crying again. She asked me why I was crying, but I couldn’t speak (I didn’t want to find out this was just a dream). We went out to the living room to tell my stepdad. She paused the movie he was watching, and waited for me to blurt it out again. His response- “Is that it?”

We talked some more. I tried to talk about Kinsey, and somehow ended up talking about the gay actor in Torchwood, the movie “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner,” and an episode of Bones. Not even close to how I planned this conversation. She mentioned that my brother already told her about him. I was a little hurt that he couldn’t come to me about it, but I understand. It’s okay. I’ll probably tell him next chance I get, but I don’t know if I need to tell my dad, whom I only see on Sundays anyways. I’ll probably tell him eventually, but not until it becomes relevant, I guess.

So I’m out. I’m glad I don’t have to hide, that I don’t have to act anymore. I’m crying for the third time today, but it’s different this time. I can barely believe it, really. I’m glad, you know? I’m still stressed about other stuff, but with this off my chest, I think I can tolerate that stuff for now.

Aw, I was so busy coming out that I missed the first couple minutes of Friends. Damn.

This morning I woke up, and felt the same. Did I really come out? Was it just a dream? No, I did, right? ah...

My mom stopped me when I went to get a bowl of cereal. She mentioned some gay jokes she (and I) made a few years back at her wedding, and asked if I was offended.
"No; I thought I was straight, then."
"Would you be offended now?"
"Well... no, not realy."

So I did come out. I don't have to pretend to be straight, I can openly express if I think a guy is attractive. I'm starting to feel better- I've ben kind of stressed out and depressed for the last week, but now, I'm actually happy.

And exhausted. That was scary, kind of like a surgery- scary now, but in the long run, it's definitely worht it.

 

My brother and I were really close as kids, but we sort of drifted apart during middle school. He's go off with his friends at school, I'd sit alone trying not to let my classmates get to me. He's a bit more mature now, less of a jerk, and we like some of the same hings, so I hope we could get closer once I tell him.

I'm not opening any other files that I think might be personal, though. But it's not my fault I found the porn on he computer (just short promos, but there was even a little gay porn)! He just left it there! Best brother ever!

My writing style comes from a lietime of reading. I just write the way I feel, and try to pick words that help.

Seriously though, my stepdad's response kind of pissed me off. "That's it?" Seriously!? I'm trmbling, scared to death, and he doesn't care!? way to underreact, pal! :lol:

Seriously, I took that into consideration. I've never come out before; I don't know how long it's gonna take! But it's on in about a half hour... is that enough time?