Okay, so I guess my first indication that I can recall that I might not be straight was in middle school I started pretending to be a girl online. This wasn't for any sexual reason or anything. I just enjoyed being treated like a girl. I learned what it meant to be trans, and I played around with the idea that it could define me. So every once in a while I would get obsessed with wanting to be a girl (despite I play hockey, football, and wrestled) and then some months would pass where I wouldn't even think of it. I came to realize that while I had a desire to be a girl, I didn't feel uncomfortable in my body or anything, so I just kind of tried to forget about it. There were multiple night I spent time as a kid praying (especially to Mary) to wake up and be a woman. I don't really remember how I first came about to watching gay porn, but I know much like the above I would go through stages where I'd switch between it and straight porn. I kind of figured I was bisexual, but I was raised in a strong Catholic and conservative family (13 years of private Catholic school) so I just figured I would never act upon those desires. Besides, even if I could physically do things with a guy, I couldn't see myself ever having feelings for one at the time. Well these trends continued until I was 20. That's when I had my first "physical encounter" with another man. I didn't know him, or even find him attracted, but my desire to figure myself out drove me into the situation. I wasn't proud of myself, but good things did come out of it. I switched my orientation to bisexual on an online dating profile. Suddenly I was being swarmed by men, whereas girls never seemed to message me. I met my first (and current) boyfriend quickly. It was all very new to me, even relationships in general for the most part. Well, after a while I became confused (and still am) about whether I was bi or gay. Anyway, I told a few friends in private, and as it turns out they told quite a lot of my friends. Most of my friends have heard, but still have yet to talk about it to me. They still say stuff like "that's gay" and other stuff in front of me, but I used to before I came out to myself too, so I just try not to let that stuff annoy me. I guess the main reason for reading this is here, telling my family. Well I left a note for my family the weekend before the last week of class before Christmas break. It was about a page long and said I was gay, or perhaps bi, and had a bf. Well normally my parents called about every day. But I didn't hear from them all week. Or when the week was over. For about another 4 days probably. I was terrified I wouldn't be welcome at my home for Christmas. Finally I got a "text" asking when I'd be home. When I walked in my mom didn't look at me or talk at me. It was only after about an hour of saying nothing she came up behind me and said "I'm not okay with this." The words stopped me dead in my tracks. She had me follow her downstairs and when I did she was in tears like I've never seen her before. She rested her head on my shoulder and her make-up smeared all over the sweatshirt I was wearing. I don't remember all the hurtful things she said. They were spaced between "I still love you"'s but a million of those can't make you hear anything without being harmed by it. I know she told me that It was harder than finding out her dad had died. She told me not to let my sisters find out. She asked how I could have the heart to do it with a note. And she asked me how I could do this to her if there was even the slightest chance I could like girls. My dad just told me a couple days later, "I still love you, just don't embarress your sisters," whatever that means... So this stuff was all back before Christmas, but I don't feel like I've made any progress since then. I've lived at home over the summer and I haven't talked to my parents, or really any of my friends about it since then. Most of my friends are straight guys and I just don't feel comfortable talking to them. My only real female friend I had to talk to much just moved to Colorado. My sisters still don't know. Obviously I can talk to my bf, but idk, I want some friends to talk to. Sorry for the wall of text and any possible typos. I'm sure probably no one will read this massive thing, but if you do I appreciate it lol
Congratulation on finally coming out to your family. I wish I had the courage to do so. I hate hiding my true self from my family. Give your parents sometime to accept your sexuality. For them its also about letting go of a dream (of your future). With regard to talking to your sisters it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with them. I believe that families instinctively know about ones sexual orientation; they just don'twant to accept the truth. Its also the dream of future that can never be... I wish you all the best on your coming out journey. You have already told the two most difficult people to tell.
Hi, Jon. First, I'm really sorry that your coming out experience was so underwhelming. Your mom will come around. She's having a hard time with it because of her religious beliefs, but honestly, the fact she was able to say "I still love you" is a very positive sign. Remember that you've been dealing with these feelings for at least 6 or more years, while your mom and dad are just finding out. So all the denial, anger, fear, bargaining, and grief you've had to deal with in coming to understand and accept yourself, your parents are still working through. And sometimes, for parents, it's easier to stay in denial than to actually process the feelings. I think that's why things have been odd between you and your parents for the past few months. But they will come around. It will probably take them meeting your boyfriend, spending some time around him, and realizing that he's not some awful gross guy that's their worst nightmare... and realizing that you're happy. Or maybe something different. But they will get there. As far as people to talk to... that's what EC is for! If you would like to talk to me or any of the other advisor team, feel free to PM us and we'll be happy to help. And you can also communicate on the walls of any of the other members here as well, or through forum posts. Please keep us up to date about how things are progressing for you and remind yourself that the situation you're in now is just a temporary thing.
Well thank you for the feedback. I think a lot of my internal problems are coming from my own uncertainty. I still don't know whether I'm bi or gay, and honestly the future my parents saw for me is still the same I saw for myself. Its hard for me to imagine a life truly growing old with another man. I've always wanted children, and I know I've heard the whole adoption thing many times, but it still doesn't seem the same to me for some reason. I have a boy friend which I care about, but I don't feel secure with myself. He knows this and says it doesn't bother him, but I don't know... He's got a lot more serrious, but very different issues of his own.
Coming from a very conservative family, your folks will take time to understand what it really means for their son to be gay or even bi. They still think the dreams they had for you is crushed, but it is up to you to talk to them. Take your parents and sit down one evening and talk to them about it. Make them understand that the dreams they had for you isn't gone, it's still there, you'll just reach it in a different way. As for the kids thing, don't fool yourself, your still young, far to young anyway to have kids or even consider kids. With today's uncertain economical crises I myself has put that plan on hold until i feel it is not just safe but economical viable... kids are expensive. (medical, educational amongst others such as food, clothing etc.) as for your sister, if you are living with them, chances are that they know something is not right but i agree, hold out a little longer. but i will say this... as you say your friends have spread the rumour that you are gay. The chances are that they have heard about it or will in the future are very good. It'll just be good to tell them yourself, rather for them to hear it from someone else. As for you, well you have to try and set aside religion, it is influencing your decision at this moment. I'm not saying to denounce it or even turn away from it, but just for a few moments it that is at all possible for you. the use that time to do a little bit of soul searching, seeing who you really are and so on. the answer will come far easier than you might think. To help you, imagine that you are not catholic and not from a conservative family. Think that way when you work out the issue. I hope it helps you in some way Good luck
well first of all, while they are important to me, my own personal religion and politics don't conflict with homosexuality. When I was a kid I was just like my family, but I don't like to box myself into categories. As far as politics, I'll vote for who I think is best, no matter whether they are republic, democrat, or neither. Most like it would be neither. As for religion, it may sound cheesy, but I still consider myself as spiritual as ever, but not to the restrictions of one religion. I believe there's a god of some sort, just because that's a personal believe of mine, and I feel like I've sensed that at points of my life. I don't feel like it really matters or not what someone calls him, or whether they believe specific elements that pertain to one religion or another. People can tell right from wrong without the use of a book or priest. I don't think a devine being would punish someone for finding the same sex attractive lol. Talking to my parents again isn't likely to happen. They haven't changed. They still call gay people on TV freaks and stuff like that. My friends I know don't mind it, but they are guys and they don't want to talk about it. I think it would be as uncomfortable for them to bring up as it would be for me. About the kids thing, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want a kid now. I can't keep my own life stable at the moment. Still I've always seen myself as a father when I looked to the future. Life even when I was a kid and parents sat me down and watched movies with me I would think, I can't wait until I do the same thing with my kids. Go figure though.
Hey everyone. I'm not trying to be an attention whore by bumping my old thread, but I left my letter last year the sunday before finals. And today is the sunday before finals. That means that today is pretty much my one year coming out anniversary, and to be honest its got me kind of bummed. Things that have got me down: 1. My parents have not acknowledged that any of this has ever happened in the last year. 2. My sisters still have not been told (though I have intentionally left my internet history untouched in hopes of the older one finding sites like this and coming to me) 3. Things are still really awkward for me. Like I am living at home again now, and I just don't feel entirely comfortable being around either of parents. Of course awkward stuff still happens when I'm out with friends. They'll call someone a fag, or a gay joke will come up and I'll just sit there quietly. 4. This is the big one. Over the last year I just kept thinking, well at least its over, and they can only get more accepting from here. Well I've been doing a lot of thinking about my gender identity lately, and I don't know exactly what it is, or what I should do about it, but I really don't feel strong enough to go through a second coming out if I had to. Yet the thought of me staying confused and unhappy like this seems awful too. I'm a totally avoidant person and whenever I think about this it just makes me wish I could stop existing and not have to deal with any of it =/ Sorry everyone, I feel like a total Debby Downer. I just wanted to get out some of the stuff that's been bothering me...
I'm gonna be like you in a couple of years. I don't mean to sound awful, but I have a feeling that my parents will continue to react the same way. As cheesy at it sounds, it definitely does get better. Once you move out, you don't have to deal with this shit anymore. It's definitely hard right now, but think of this as a stepping stone to something better; something greater.
I think you have a few options: 1) If you come out again, do you think there's a chance that your parents will kick you out of their house? If your answer is "no" or you have another place to live if that's a possibility, I would say that you should be persistent about it. Tell them in person, since last time, your mother was disappointed that you came out in a letter. Just say "Last year, I came out to you as gay, and although you said you still love me, much of what you said was very hurtful. Also, since then, I feel that you've been avoiding this subject matter. Your support is very important to me, so I wish you would at least acknowledge it." If that goes over well, you could perhaps ask if they would go to a PFLAG meeting, so they can meet other parents who have had difficulties accepting their child's sexual orientation or gender identity. Personally, I would avoid bringing up that you think you might be trans, until you're absolutely sure. If you are trans, yes, it would mean coming out yet again. However, if you're not, it could cause a lot of unnecessary pain for you and your parents to doubt anything else you tell them. On the other hand, your parents' reaction might be good. I know some people who have come out to their relatives as gay, and had a bad reaction. Later, they came out as trans, which went over much better. Apparently, they were just homophobic. This occurrence is probably much rarer though. Even if your parents aren't supportive now, they may be in the future. When I came out as trans (and pansexual, which was a non-issue to my parents), my father said he would never call me my male name or pronouns, but after a few months, he started to. He still slips sometimes, but he's making an effort. I can't guarantee this; your parents may never accept it, but just because they don't now doesn't mean they won't eventually. 2) You seem to want to come out to your sisters. Have they ever shown any signs of being homophobic? If you're close to your sisters and it means a lot to you, I would come out to them (preferably in person, as many people feel tend to feel hurt that you didn't do it face to face; a letter would work though). Just because your father thinks you shouldn't, you're old enough to make your own decisions. You've already made moves to let them know. Perhaps they have seen your internet history, but think that you're not ready to come out, or that you'd feel uncomfortable being confronted about it. 3) If you're not yet ready to come out to your relatives, try going to your school's "GSA" (whatever your university calls it) or a youth group aimed toward LGBT youth. Usually they allow 14-23 year olds to attend meetings. It's a great place to meet other people who identify as trans, not straight, and/or questioning. Like you, many of them may have encountered similar experiences. Perhaps if you had more people to talk to, you wouldn't feel so alone.
Thanks for the feedback guys, sorry it took me so long to avoid responding. Well, the one is 7 so I don't really feel a need to tell her. The other is 16 though. She certainly has. In fact I used to always think of her as little mom. She's the perfect child. Lately she's stepping out of her shell though. She used to not ever watch R rated movies, then she got caught sneaking into one with her friends. She used to always want to go to the same college and get the same career my mom did. Now she's really trying to follow her own path. I can actually have somewhat intellectual (mostly just me talking, but she actually listens!!!) discussion with her about evolutionary theory! Like in the past she would have just been like, "stupid liberal colleges. How can they teach democratic nonsense like that." Which is exactly what my mom would have said. I've got to wonder if its because she has found out or suspects about me. Or maybe its just her peer group. Either way I couldn't be happier with it lol Well, while I haven't really gotten involved with the LGBTSS programs, I decided to take Intro to queer studies and that was a great way to feel like a part of a supportive environment. I'm really sad the class is over now =( She may not be LGBT herself but I did made at least one great friend out of it though
It could be all those factors, but I'd just chalk it up mostly to age. By 16, most teenagers are starting to think for themselves and discovering their own identity separate from their parents, instead of blindly following in their footsteps. That's great though that she's been listening to what you're saying now; it might prove to be good for when you're finally ready to tell her. Also, about your 7 year old sister, I agree that she doesn't really need to know now. However, if you do later come out as trans, I've heard a lot of people saying that children that age are more likely to be accepting. Awesome! I'm glad you made a friend out of it, and an Intro to Queer Studies class sounds really interesting. I wish my college offered a class like that. :icon_sad:
Oh, okay. I'm currently trying to earn my associate degree in Liberal Arts, but once I'm done with that, I want to transfer to a four year college to study psych to be a sex and gender therapist.
Awesome. I really want to be able to help teens. Helping with the LGBT teens in paticular seems like something that would make sense lol
