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Been a year since I joined EC. Story so far.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Artemicion, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. Artemicion

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    BE WARNED THIS IS LONG.

    So, finally it's been one year since I've joined EC. Months ago, I made a goal/milestone that I will someday write my own coming out story on these boards as a way to say thank you to EC. I also hope my story would be able to help somehow to those that read it.

    My closet is a "western oriental closet." This is just simply telling that I grew up in Canada, but still very Asian because of my parents and grandparents. So, my decisions and choices may have been influenced by Asian values more or less. To this day, I've come out to a total of ten friends and two family members (details to follow!).

    So, I will start from the very beginning as far as I can remember where there were hints that I possibly might be gay. I remember when I was small, still living in Taiwan, that I would love cute things – cute as in little girls stuff (Hello Kitty purse with a full set of grooming things…). Well, I remember vividly that my aunt asked me if I wanted it, and I said yes. To this day I still have a comb that's from the set.

    Fast forward, I moved to Canada, I remember watching Sailor Moon this was around the age of seven or eight, well, at the time it wasn't strange as my siblings watched it as well (older brother and sister). Plus, we watched it like as if it was a ritual, rushing back home from school to not miss a thing.

    Going forward again, to around age 12~13, some of my friends would gossip, who you had crushes on etc. Well at the time, the thought of having a crush or liking someone didn't really cross my mind. All that I remember was getting through school and video games…

    So most of elementary school and high school, I didn't think much of getting a girlfriend (mind, I didn't have a clue yet what I liked), I just thought one day it will come naturally to me. Man, little did I know what was coming...

    Then I guess puberty struck at around grade ten. Well, I have to first mention I looked quite…nerdy back then until one day I just …"changed". It was really gradual. I started to notice what was attractive to me, I started to change my clothing into something more…stylish. I started to notice men a lot more, and then I came to realize, I didn't like any of the girls in my whole high school. Still, back then I went into deep denial and thinking that all will change with time. So I never had a girlfriend, and didn't worry about finding a girlfriend again until much later. But I went into a stage of loss – depression which would hit at random times. I would lie in bed with my blankets covering all the way up to my head and thinking what the hell am I feeling? Well, I was utterly confused, but eventually the feeling faded away and I went about as usual.

    By the time I was in my senior years, I had a lot of girl friends eventually in grade 11 and 12, but it never went beyond just friendship. By this time I started to realize that I was into guys. But even then, I still thought I would change – I started to bargain with myself.

    Then by the time I entered university, I realized I was into guys, I gave up bargaining with myself, I just let things be, but I still haven't really come to terms with myself. I kept myself busy, with school work and trying to ignore the real question that kept coming up daily, hourly, all the time till the point by the time of year 3, I started to break down. Eventually, I fell into real depression. I thought deep into my "choice" of being gay – If I truly wanted to live the real me. I considered what it would do to the "face" of my parents. Then I realized that I needed to be a little bit more selfish. It was something I thought hard on. It wasn't that I did something wrong if I "chose" this, it was that my parents were unable to understand me.

    I should also let you know that all this time between high school and university, my father kept asking me if I will ever find a girlfriend, each time he asked I gave him an evasive answer, for example if I was in high school I would say she's in university, then in university, I said she's in the workplace. Of course this was all a bit of a joke talk but still. So…I evaded him for years…until more recently. Moreover, my brother had relationships before, it seemed like I was the black sheep…but my mother didn't think of me as odd, nor my sister.

    So continuing on from the point where I started to break down. I started to cry in bed. I was angry, I was depressed at what conclusion I ended up with. I realized, I was gay. However, this went on for almost another year, surprisingly I coped, probably because I had access to my own karaoke machine (yes, this is like the best stress reliever ever). I would sing till I cried for myself. By the end of year 3 but before year 4 (so my summer vacation), I was back in Taiwan visiting, I lied in my bed and just lost it. Since the apartment only had my dad and me in it, but we were both in different rooms, I sobbed quietly and said that to myself, "I'm gay". I accepted myself then and that was the beginning of me of coming out.

    By the time I went back to Canada, but still in the summer, I one day summed up my courage and came out to my mom. Well, I think I came out the wrong way that is…I said to her, "I like guys." in sobbing breaths. Then she came to the conclusion that I was confused and said that how do you know if you never had a girl before? I didn't have an answer then. I was still ignorant of what being gay was. But I think ultimately what hurt me the most then was, she said she'd rather not see my married to a guy if I was gay. I was heart torn then. This was perhaps one of the biggest disappointments in my life, but I could not blame her. My family, more specifically my parents were always ignorant on gay related topics. She did suggest I look online for answers and maybe talk to my brother but… The next day, my mom left me a letter in the room, despite the fact that we could of had a face-to-face talk. Well, she let me know anyways that she wrote a letter for me in my room, but I could tell she wasn't comfortable with the whole thing yet. I read the letter and I was reduce to tears again. I was disappointed once again. I could not believe what she wrote in there. I had hoped she would at least have some kind of approval, but it was more along the lines of, "life isn't all about love." (she still loves me unconditionally though) Then I realized I would have to pave my own path without my mother's approval if I were to truly find the happiness I wanted. Since then I haven't spoken about the topic with her, however I have noticed that she's become more aware of gay related news and she'll read it whenever she comes across it. So I can really be angry with my mother, at least she is trying. And that's how I came out to my mother, even though she's in denial about it.

    Over the next few days, I would be searching up on gay related topics. As I was in my frenzy of searching, I came across EC and many other things to get to know myself better. Then I finally found courage again to talk to one of my friends. Well, she's known to be an open lesbian even though I haven't heard her say it. So, I came out to her and she was fine with it, actually she loves talking about sexuality. So she was a nice support after I was shaken by my mother.

    Then I went on a bit of a coming out streak, since I wasn't entirely confident, I controlled myself on who I wanted to come out to. The next person I came out to was one of my closest friends. Although he left during high school, we still kept close tabs on each other online and met up whenever he was back in town since he studied in the states. He took it fine which was a relief for me.

    Then the next person I came out to was an online friend of mine. More like, we met through an online game then he eventually ended up in the same university as me. We became close friends, even if he was two years younger than me. Even though we was a pretty devout Christian, his views were quite liberal and he said there was nothing wrong being gay. Another confidence booster for me.

    However, I stopped here as I didn't want to come out so quickly. Additionally, I wanted to come out in person as well. But this idea proved to be harder than it is. I found it ridiculous to say the phrase, "I'm gay" in person. So, what I actually ended up doing was when I came out in person, I typed it out on a iPod touch while we were riding the bus. Geez, I feel utterly pathetic then. But he was another close friend of mine and he took it well. I actually built up some suspense for him, as I said to him I was going to tell him something important until I saw him in person. So, back then I didn't think too much about the phrase I said, but I had him worried thinking that I'd contracted some fatal disease and was going to die or something. It was rather humorous XD.

    Then I slowed down until another chance came. This time it was regarding my university friends (I haven't come out to any of them then). More importantly it was a chance to come out to my straight crush as well. Well, we took this cinematography class together, and we had to do presentations in groups of two. There were three of us, so one of us had to be left out and partnered up with another person. So, I ended up being the one, but got partnered up with a girl. Which well, my friend/crush said to me afterwards, "She's hot!" I smiled on the outside and giggled almost to death on the inside. I found the situation so ironic! Anyways, what happened was my friend eventually went and asked her out. But sadly, she already had a boyfriend. So, when I got home that night, I caught him online and started chatting and something along the lines of this ensued:

    Me: So…were you nervous when you went and asked her out?
    Friend: Hell yeah!
    Me: Well…i'm kinda in a situation like that now…
    Friend: What?!
    Me: Um…ask me questions…
    Friend: You like someone?
    Me: Erm…no…you might have to ask something what people don't usually ask. It's usually rude to ask. So ask away.
    Friend: You have STD's?
    Me: LOL No!
    Friend:…
    *long pauses*
    Friend: Erm…this might be rude but…are you gay?
    Me: BINGO!
    Friend: That's alright, there's nothing wrong.
    Me: Thanks…
    Friend: Then can I ask you a question?
    Me: Yeah…
    Friend: Did you have a crush on me?
    *pause*
    Me: FUFUFUFUFUFUFUFU…
    Friend: There's my nervous laughter!
    Friend: I'm sorry, but no i'm not gay.

    That's pretty much what went on for my first coming out to an university friend. I was so relieving…So the next few weeks, it was totally awkward as one friend knew but the other didn't. So eventually, I used my crush's example as the topic starter and came out to two other friends…all through a guessing kind of game. It was rather funny but I was also very…anxious to what their reactions would be. But both of them ended well.

    Sadly, the end of my university undergrad career came to an end. I graduated before I could come out to all my university friends, but I planned to come out to them over online. So I did. One of them went like this:

    Me: Hey R.
    R: Yeah?
    Me: Do you know any gay people?
    R: Yeah, what about it?
    Me: We'll I'm one of them as well.
    R: Oh that's ok, I don't think anyone in our group has a problem with that.
    Me: Thanks R.

    It was short and sweet for me.

    Having built up confidence, I decided to come out to my father. It was rather something that kept nagging at me. My father who's usually in Taiwan while I'm in Canada, would always nag about me getting a girlfriend (as mentioned above). Since I graduated, got my full drivers license and came out to a bunch of friends, I decided to give it a try. I came out to him over the phone. I said to him in the most direct method, "I'm gay". Right after that, there was a long long long pause. I figured then he wasn't ready for it. But in the end he ended up saying to me to "think about it more." I argued a bit as there was nothing left to do but to accept. But like my mother, he wasn't prepared for this at all. Their reactions were what a typical Asian father would probably end up giving. Thus, now he is in denial like my mother. However, now that I'm in Taiwan, he constantly pesters me with girlfriend questions despite that I've already told him. He use to say to me: "you're gay or a weirdo?" I answer to him a complete weirdo. A half truth. I didn't like labels and back then I wasn't ready to come out to him. Now, whenever he asks me about girlfriends, it annoys me. However, he didn't bring up the gay phrase again since then. Therefore I conclude it's just a matter of time.

    My most recent coming out was through another friend. My lesbian friend insisted that I come out to another gay friend of mine from high school. Well actually, it was unconfirmed before as he didn't tell anyone about it but my lesbian friend. I said to her, fine you can tell him. And I left it at that. I was a bit skeptical if my gay friend could keep a secret as he was a bit of a gossip person…but weighing my options from what I knew about him (we were pretty close friends then), I decided to take the risk. Well, it was surprising for him to know that I was gay, as I don't pass for a stereotypical gay man…I don't act like one either. I'm just a bit of a tech/video games/media fanatic…

    I have many more friends to tell, but the chances of that right now is a bit slim as I'm in a completely different time zone than them (maybe i'll try email sometime…). You might also be wondering what about my older brother and sister? Well, As much as I want to come out to them, I fear for their real reactions. My brother, well, I did a bit of a test with him and I asked, "What if I am gay?" He replied something along the lines of…"Then i'll have so much pressure continuing the family line." Then he mentioned something like, don't be gay, at least be bi. I was like…OMG. As for my sister, I really don't know. I think she can accept, but it might be a total shock for her. As for finding a moment to tell them, I'm afraid. Really. I really don't know what to expect from my family anymore. Both my parents are in denial. My brother and sisters…if it ends up being the same I think my heart would burst. From what I know, it probably is unlikely that I'll get really negative reactions from my siblings, so i've given myself time to think through and set a time when I should tell them. So, this is my journey so far out of the closet.

    Thank you all for reading this long long post. Feel free to leave me questions, comments and suggestions! (I apologize in advance if I did not make any sense somewhere in the story...)
     
  2. maverick

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    Thank God for paragraph breaks, lol. Interesting story though!

    OUCH. I think sometimes my parents feel this way too though. They probably don't care much if I date women now (especially if I don't make a big production out of it and don't sing it from the rooftops to my extended family), but if I have to send out wedding invitations concerning two "brides", well, the queer is out of the bag, isn't it? :lol:
     
  3. Liam A

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    Well done dude, it was a nice refreshing read! I'm envious of your courage in coming out :dry:

    I hope you find someone and your parents accept it.
     
  4. alan t

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    Thanks for sharing the story
    I hope your parents come around soon.
     
  5. Gallatin

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    Really interesting story... thanks for sharing.
    I commend you for your courage!
     
  6. predator9089

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    Hey man that was a really good read, lots of details that make it interesting.

    My favourite part was how you watched Sailor Moon and rushed home from school to do so. Are you implying watching Sailor Moon makes you gay? HHAHAHAHA LOL jk. I did the exact same thing, rushing home from school to catch it every day with my best friend.
     
  7. Artemicion

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    @predator9089: HA!...well it was one of my memories where it could of been an sign, but then a lot of people watched Sailor Moon back then :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. Might I also mention that a lot of people watched Card Captor Sakura as well back then...
     
  8. Gerry

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    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope things start changing for you. :slight_smile: And I'm sure your parents will come around with time. Again, thanks for sharing your story with us.
     
  9. Sadepeura

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    Thank you for sharing your story! :slight_smile: I had great time reading it. Good luck to the future!
     
  10. TheEdend

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    Haha totally!

    Its great to see the progress that you have made and how far you have been able to get. I'm sure your parents will come around eventually so don't give up on them :slight_smile:
     
  11. Raeil

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    Thanks for sharing! I really enjoyed reading it, but I probably wouldn't have responded without you responding as follows:

    Card Captor Sakura was FANTASTIC!!!! This year I went back and watched all the episodes subbed, and it was SOOO much better because they didn't cut anything out of it like they did for the English version.
     
  12. Noir

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    YES!!!!!!!!!!! CARDCAPTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lo, I used to do the same thing, even with Sailor Moon when I was younger.

    Thank you so much for the story, I really enjoyed reading it!! *hugs* It made me feel a little better about myself and coming out at your own pace and needing to stand up for what you want for yourself. Even as family, anyone other than yourself isn't "you."
     
  13. Leif

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    Oh man, Card Captors. After all these years I Still remember the theme song from memory. Hahaha

    Thank you for sharing your story. It is really awesome and brave of you to have come out to your parents. I totally understand coming from a family like yours. I come from a Very catholic Hispanic/Italian family and I've been pretty much been taught since birth that "Mija, you get married, you take care of your husband and you have lots of babies and that will make you happy". Hopefully in time your parents will come around. Your strength really put a smile on my face.
     
  14. dl72

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    That is a great story and glad to hear that you came out.
     
  15. Daisy1

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    Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed the online coming-out conversations. You had some creative openers :slight_smile: