came out to my sister.

I came out to my sister Caitlin tonight, after we went out to dinner. I was really nervous. And it was emotional…and not quite what I expected. At first she was in the usual Caitlin-mode ("I’m older than you, and therefore wiser") trying to warn me against stereotypes and creepy gays and I don’t even know what point she was trying to make. It was mostly an incoherent, hypocritical babble. She contradicted herself more than once.

And then I realized as we sat in front of the house in her car at ten o'clock pm that it was a really good thing that I waited this long. Because with family, I guess, you have to be so confident in yourself that you are able to comfort them. Friends love you but they really don’t care what you do in your private life. But family is in your business. They’re invested in your business.

So this was really emotional for her. She was usually teary-eyed. Sometimes more than others. She was also talking using the word “we” (referring to the rest of my family) and I interrupted her, saying “it’s weird when you say ‘we’ because you guys" (meaning my family) "aren’t a single unit, you’re each individual people."
"Yeah but you’re telling US” she explained.
"No, I’m not. I’m telling YOU. I’m not ready to tell them. I’m telling you because you’re the most open-minded out of all of them.”
And then she was quiet, until she said, “Do you really think that?”
“Yes. I trust you.”
And she looked away and didn't speak for a while because she was choked up.

And after that, we talked, and talked, and talked. Though she supports it, she doesn’t totally understand homosexuality. I don’t know if many straight people do. And that’s why I have to be so confident in myself. I have to be able to explain it. I have to look like I know who I am, to convince them that I’m still the same person.

It feels like it should be the opposite. When I go to come out to my family, it should feel like I’m gonna end up crying on their shoulders as they comfort me and say everything will be alright. But if I try to cry on their shoulders, what are they supposed to hold on to in the attempt to understand this and accept me?

Then, as things became more comfortable, we laughed and joked about stereotypes, and then about stupid school things. And I know that she accepts me. She’s worried about me—she doesn’t know quite how to express it or what she should be worried about specifically…but right now, it’s the thought that counts.

It’s funny trying to convince someone you’re gay. You’ve just spent years trying to convince yourself that you’re straight, and now that you finally admit it to yourself and start accepting it, you have to spend years convincing OTHER people you’re gay. It’s like, why would I even want to convince myself I’m gay? Isn’t that slightly counter-intuitive? Why would I try to make myself into a social outcast? But I’ve had sixteen years to figure this out about myself. So I understand that the people around me need a little bit more time.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” she finally said, implying that I should *choose* heterosexuality over homosexuality. wait...you mean i can CHOOSE??? thank god! I thought I was stuck with this!!!
...
anyway.

“Hurt by whom?”
“By bigots. You won’t be able to get through life without some kind of teasing.”
“Caitlin, you know I have thick skin. You guys raised me to have thick skin. If anyone can do it, I can.”
“But…it’s just a hard world out there. I don’t want people to hurt you.”
“Caitlin, people are gonna hurt me whether I’m gay or straight. I’ll be ok.”


Just wanted to share.

 

thanks so much for the input guys...

she's still being so cool about it, and i'm really happy.