Ok, this is my first time of ever posting on a messageboard, but I just needed to see what people thought. I have recently, about 6 months ago, come out of a 5 year relationship with a guy. This was real, and I was devastated when he ended it. I am only just coming out of that devastation, and I had imagined us being together and getting married and everything. The thing is, before I knew him, I deeply suspected I might be a lesbian, but I dismissed it as a phase, or hoped it was. When I was with him I told him about this, and I still found myself attracted to other women but in a very general way - like looking at them and things. Apart from my ex I have been attracted to 3 other men, although all for very short periods of time, ranging from 2 weeks to about eight months. However, I have had crushes on - I don't know - 20 women? Or more? Very deep crushes, and I am always forming them. In addition, for as long as I can remember, whenever I went to movies with friends and they came out and started to discuss how fit the main (male) actor was, outwardly I would agree, but inside I would be thinking, why did I just spend the last two hours looking at the female lead? I have photos of friends and actresses and generally beautiful women that I like to look at all the time (in a non-creepy way!!), and there are particular women I feel drawn to and always want to be close to, and think about all the time. As a teenager I always wanted to put posters of women up on my walls, but never did. I dismissed it as a phase. But now I have also just recently developed crushes on - believe it or not - several female friends, and I have been emailing them and thinking about them and getting excited whenever they email me or I see them. I find myself looking at pictures of beautiful actresses all the time and whenever I watch tv shows, I always notice the women. Although I did recently form a crush on a guy, but it was very shortlived, and I really did love my boyfriend. I'm really confused. I told a friend of mine a couple of days ago that I thought I might be bi or gay but I'm really not sure. I think I might even be more gay than straight, but then I really did love my boyfriend - but I find myself looking and thinking about women all the time, like I did before I met him too. I've always suspected I might be, but when I got together with my boyfriend it ceased to be an issue, but now it is again. I'm 23 by the way.
Well from what i've read you obviously have some attraction to women... but do you have an equal interest in men? if so you may be bi, but it seems just as probable that your a lesbian... i think it may be certain that your not straight, though.
bisexuality comes in degrees. you can be attracted to men and women, but not to the smae degree. i would say i am 30% women and 70% men, or something like that.
If anything, don't feel constricted to any type of sexuality. You are going to be attracted to whomever your heart decides, and this might be primarily men, primarily women, or any combination thereof. So don't worry about labeling yourself as "lesbian" or "bisexual." Just follow your heart, and let it take you where it likes.
Thanks guys, I appreciate you replying. It probably seems fairly obvious to you but somehow I have managed to avoid this question for about 10 years, so perhaps it's not so obvious. The thing is, I think that the fact that my longest (and only) relationship was with a guy is purely incidental, and misleading, as when I think about who overall I am attracted to, and who I look at, and think about, it's virtually always women, like 80% of the time. It's women I notice in the street, in movies, and on TV. Although what I feel about and like in women is different from what I like in men (is this normal? does it make sense?). I mean, I've asked myself this question many time in the past (although barely, in a barely-conscious way), but it's only in the last few days or week that I've come anywhere close to answering 'yes', and also realising that it is possible (although I don't know yet) that I'm primarily attracted to women. And actually that's another step from thinking I might be bisexual I think. That one has hit quite hard. This probably sounds obvious to you, but it has been so far from obvious. Suddenly so much of my life makes sense and it's really quite scary - although I know it shouldn't be - as the force of the truth has just kinda hit me like WHAM - and suddenly *everything* makes sense, such as those strange intense relationships with particular women, not fitting in, always wondering why I didn't find this guy or that guy attractive like my friends. It is like a Wham-moment, when everything makes sense. But it makes so much sense it has kinda been freaking me out. Not because I'm not perfectly happy with this - I am - it's just what I may have to face ahead that becomes daunting. Maybe I shoulda figured it out earlier, but I think the fact that a part of me is attracted to men made it more difficult in a way cos I could just explain these other things away, and cling to those few men as evidence that I was straight. But you know what? Every single time I have fallen for a guy, my first thought has been: yay, he's a guy, I'm not gay, I'm straight. But I think there comes a time maybe when you realise that this "phase" is actually your life. I can't believe I'm writing this - I know I sound like I'm clear in my head but I'm not. I think the thing about not labelling yourself is a good thing as I think at the moment that's what I'm feeling I've gotta do - answer the question: what am I? But the real answer to that is just that I'm human, I'm not "am" anything. I mean really, all that matters is who I'm interested in at the moment, surely? I mean, maybe labels are just for those who don't understand. I'm not sure the term "bisexual" fits me either - as I'm only ever one or the other at any one time. Perhaps just "not straight". But anyway, I told this one friend (who is openly bisexual, and had a long-term relationship with a woman) and she was supportive, but I can't see myself, once I get there, opening up to people outside the university (ie college) environment ie family. But then earlier today I was convinved I wasn't gay at all so maybe I've got to work on myself first? I mean, how long did it all take all of you to realise and accept who you are?
One of the most confusing thing is being bisexual, it's like in the middle of nowhere, you dont know where to lean. Normally peopel want to be sure if they are gay or straight, instead of believing they are in the middle .You could be bisexual, but leaning toward women more than men. But dont think about it much , it's liek you are tryign to choose teh way to go, just let it flow I knwo you dont fel bad about who you are but I feel the same thing like you do when eeverytime I have crushes on girl, I feel "safe" because she is a girl, not a guy. But now I just reallize, your heart is the leading light of the dark street, and you have to follow teh ligth to be able to see, to not trip and fall on the ground. Follow your heart, and be happy, dont try to turn the other way. If you liek women, be happy, and you also lke men, but less than women, be happy I have read a quote said, teh real key to regconize your orientation is teh romance. If you - ccdd - are able to fall in love with a man rather than enjoy sexual contacts with a man, you are straight, smae thing to woman, you ar egay. But I dont if it's true. Sometimes we fall in love with a person because of their inner person, their personalities too instead of their outside appearance But again, you could be bi leaning toward lesbian, if you have found your true self or not, I hope you stay happy, and dont be afraid of your future, nothign canhurt you
SpikySpice, I know what you mean, about not knowing quite where you belong. I mean, I don't even really know what it means, or what people think it means, when you say you're bisexual. I mean, if you come out and say, I'm gay, that's self-explanatory, but to say I'm bisexual, you get all sorts of questions, like, what exactly do you mean? How much? etc etc. I mean, I think it's particularly confusing also because I know quite a few girls who will say they're bisexual, and may have kissed a girl once, but actually, when you talk to them, actually they're more or less straight, they're just trying to be trendy or something. I'm not sure they all have the same feelings as I do (I'm not trying to tell them what they do and don't feel, but you know what I'm trying to say). This is confusing especially as then I don't know if people will actually know what I mean if I say I'm bisexual. And what is the attitude of people who are completely gay to bisexuals? I have actually had conversations with people (whilst sussing out their views) who say they think bisexuals don't exist and that they're just kidding themselves - but this is rubbish, because what is it that I feel then? How do they know? I mean, if I said I liked a guy, no one would say, no you don't, but for some reason, those who think only in terms of gay/straight are kinda doing that, by saying no, you don't like men, only women, or vice versa. Ridiculous really!! But actually, I don't know if I identify as bisexual - rather, I just like men and women. But not all at once, and not in a promiscuous or I'm up for anything kinda way at all. I'm actually very picky (probably more than many straight people!). But whenever I like a guy I do get a sense of relief, and other people know about it; but when I like a girl, no one knows. But I'm still trying to figure this out. And what I also don't know is - is it necessary to come out if I'm not in a relationship with a girl? I mean, the whole thing is so difficult, once I've figured it out, should I just, for the hardest people, just wait until/if I meet another girl? So confusing! But really good to hear from other people who similarly don't seem to fit in as either gay or straight.
im totally gay so ive never really had this problem but it seems to me that you are bisexual, just u alternate from being more inclined to women than men and vice versa at other times. it also seems that you prefer women over men more of the time but the only way you will truly be able to figure this out is to experiment abit and think about it aswell, you know tht u love men and im gona have a ges that you can see yourself in a relationship with a woman and be just as happy. im just wondering if you are one of those that once they have a partner they are drawn to the other gender to their partner so that can lead to a life time of confusion unfortunately =[ but you will be hapy in the relationship u have and i have heard of people which are what ive described, they can have life long relationships with as much love in as any other so dont think tha if u r this then ull never be totally happy and always thinking about the other gender to ur partner as uve already had a partner and know tht u loved him a great deal and were happy. the ponly one tht can answer this question is you tho, we here at EC can help you along the way to understanding it but inevitably the final decision is yours to make and we will all be supportive of what you choose and so should those around you in real life. and there is really no need to classify your sexuality. and you could be pansexual if that describes you then im glad i clould of helped, if not then you have narrowed down possibilities atleast =]
Bisexuals don't have to be both gay and straight at the same time (neither do they have to be polygamorous), they can be seen as having a fluid sexuality (Being more inclined towards one gender or another at any time). From what it sounds like you have a preference for women, as in you are most likely to become attracted to a woman, but this doesn't disregard men entirely, and it just so happened that you found a man whom you were able to have an intense romantic connection to. (Because really it's easier to find a straight man to date than a lesbian I think.) Just because your most valued relationship up to this point was with a man doesn't undermine your attraction to women. Once again, bisexuals don't want to be with every signle person, just like straight people don't want every person of the opposite gender and gay people don't want every person of the same gender. Pay no mind to those girls who kiss other girls to be "hot" or whatever the fuck that's all about. To me being bisexual means that I fall in love with people regardless of gender because why should a person's chromosomes or genitals and such matter? I fall in love with people's personalities. I understand that physical attraction is important in a relationship too, but see I just so happen to have the capacity to feel attracted to women as well. The preference I have is for women, but only because I think women are more verbally intimate generally because they are the more emotional gender, and this is a trait I like among others. If I found a man with these traits though, that'd be just as good and I wouldn't love him any less just because I feel that I am more inclined toawrds women. I hope this helped clarify a few things for you. ^^
honestly, not working it out earlier is *not* stupid. if there's one thing that is not obvious, or easy, or simple, it is sexuality! as to what you might call yourself, that's a hard question. even gay and straight people are not all the same, and bisexuals are just such a varied bunch you can hardly say any generalised statements about them! all i would say is, there are loads of people at this very moment who are also confused about their sexuality; whatever you chose is fine; and in the end, their are as many different sexualities as there are people. so don't worry if it takes you years to discover what you feel, or only a few more weeks, just try and accept yourself as you are and enjoy life. and we here at EC are all here to help if you need it. (*hug*)
It's going to be a great day when we move past all this stuff about "am I gay or am I bisexual" and just look at the person we are incredibly attracted to, love their qualities and say this is who I want to be with whether male or female.
That's an incredibly hard question to answer. I've struggled with this for the past few years. I've gone from homo-asexual to confused to lesbian. While I'm still not 100% sure because I've never had any experience with either gender, I think deep down I know. I guess you have to go with your natural and gut reactions. I know I look at women all the time. I will look at some guys too, but there is nothing there. Also, just because you form close relationships with guys doesn't mean you are straight. I have many close guy friends, but I could never see myself doing anything with any of them, it just doesn't seem natural to me. You're definitely not the only one that is figuring it out late though, I'm 21 almost 22 and still unsure on some level. Good luck. I guess the best thing to do is take Beckyg's advice and stay fluid. Just decide based on who you are attracted to and try not to label yourself. I know labels make it easier, but really only easier for the people around us, not for ourselves.
Hey thank you guys. I think actually the main thing here about not labelling yourself is such a true thing, and having people say that actually makes the whole thing less stressful too - as in, I don't actually have to *decide* anything, I just have to be, if that makes sense. My friend, who's the only person I'm kinda out to, is bisexual herself, and seems to really get what I'm on about. And she keeps saying relax, there's no hurry, you don't need to say one thing or another, just relax. But it's funny how now that I've allowed myself to entertain the thought that I might be (or rather, am) attracted to women as well, it all makes sense: I mean, for instance, I love the X-files, and am such a huge fan of Gillian Anderson, and she's one of the several women I sometimes like to pull up pictures of (as in, from her roles/photo shoots/interviews) just to look at. I've always done this a lot, just liked to look at pictures of beautiful women (not naked or anything, but just when they look beautiful), and this includes certain of my friends who I love to look at, and sometimes feel strange around. I also always liked posters of women way more than those of men, although I mostly put up ones of men (to disguise the fact that I had ones of women? I'm not sure whether consciously though). You're probably all thinking "how on earth can she spend hours looking at women and not realise she might be gay?", but actually, really easily, because you just ignore that behaviour and dismiss it or see it as admiration or something, *even* when you see these friends and they make your heart go fast in that way. The same goes for those 2 perhaps 3 times when I've had really peculiar intense relationships with other girls - and now it's like so *that's* why it seemed so weird. So all this kinda makes sense now - like how eg I could so watch the x-files all day just to see GA as Scully, although my friends go on about David Duchovny, and I just remain silent. Kinda weird how you can not notice something as obvious that you love looking at women!! But I think that the fact that I have liked men too meant that it took me longer to get round to realising this. (incidentally, is there anyone else out there who thinks that Gillian Anderson is one of the most beautiful women on the planet?? I've kinda picked her out as my example but I find this with many women - famous and those I know) Yesterday whilst on Facebook at about 2am in the morning I put my status down as " -- is loving beautiful women". I'd checked who was online at the moment and it was just a few university friends who I thought might get the hint (I'm not sure I want to "come out" before planting the idea first maybe?) as they're fairly open-minded, but then after about 10 minutes I deleted it completely from my profile because I got nervous. But to be honest, I did it cos I realised that if someone who I dread ever knowing logged on, it could always be dismissed as one of those Facebook jokes, because no one takes FB seriously. (although I have taken down my "interested in: men", but also my relationship status, so that people'd think I was just cleaning up my profile). But then I didn't want one of these people (family) to log on, see it, perhaps query it, and me deny it. I don't want to deny anthing, just not say it. But I'm not saying anything to these other friends until I'm sure. But I hang around with quite a liberal crowd so no one really cares, it's just that then I can't necessarily control the information, if you know what I mean. I'm thinking of dropping hints to this other girl who is a lesbian, but I haven't actually known her for too long so I'm not quite sure how appropriate it would be? But anyway, I have to go now. But thanks guys for all your advice. I've relaxed considerably over the last few days now that I've realised that, as you say, labels are actually for other people, not me, and those who want you to label yourself are those who probably don't really understand at all. I just get worried that coming out as "bi" (whatever that means to people) will not be seen as a valid category by some people. But then, I suppose, who cares?
lol the not realising despite staring at women for hours happened to me too. i spent several whole afternoons (literally a good 10 hours) making desktop wallpapers and videos of my favourite female actor once, and didn't guess at all. then i tried to do a similar thing with my favourite male actor (who i thought i fancied) and got bored after about 30 minutes. your subconcious is so hard to break out of oh and, i also used to get the thing where whenever i noticed a guy was cute, i would think "good, that means i'm not gay". lol universal experiences i expect...
OMG this is so cool! So it's not just me!! I've been realising this more over the last few days. It was actually after I had spent hours - and I mean hours - looking at loads of photos on Facebook of this friend of mine who I sort of like, and these other 2 girls too that I was like "er, wait a sec, how have I just spent half a day looking at photos of girls?". Not that I hadn't done this before; I so had. And then it's like, "and, er, why is it that when everyone said they liked [male actor] in a movie I can never remember because I was too busy looking at [female actress]." But for some reason, something has happened, and my brain let me actually think it this time!! But yesterday I was just looking at some pictures for my computer backdrop and it's funny now that I'm aware what I'm doing!! But it's really weird how this realisation came about. I've just moved, and I just got this absolutely huge crush on this guy that I met, and was completely distracted. And I kept talking to this friend of mine about him (who lived where I was living previously) like *all the time*. Like, I was sending her messages 3-4 times a day. And then, even though I'd started out with this crush on this guy (which filled me with similar feelings of "This is fantastic I'm not gay" feelings although only semi-consciously) I then kept trying to bump into this guy so that I would have an excuse to email her with news!! And then of course I'd check my emails etc all the time...talk to her for hours on the phone etc. This for perhaps 2 weeks? Then, I was going through hundreds of photos of her (and a couple of other girls) and was like, er, who do I actually have this crush on? Him or her? And then I realised that I'd had this for quite a while, predating meeting this new guy. And then it dropped - so *that's* why all the text messages saved on my phone are from her and everyone else's have been deleted to make way for them!! I think our capacity for self-delusion is amazing. I wonder if I didn't even subconsciously encourage this crush on this guy (which has completely disappeared) because some part of me was just glad he was a guy??? One thing concerning me is that I think I am slightly vulnerable at the moment - when my ex broke up with me I was so utterly devastated and had really believed that (soppy I know) we'd be together forever. That was 6 months ago. I did love him very much, and basically, I was devastated, and still am, when he ended it. I have never felt so dreadful in my life. (This didn't happen in any way because I was "pretending" and he knew on a subconscious level or anything btw. I have asked myself this, but I have felt nothing truer than the love and pain I have felt on his behalf). But if I were to be honest, for me to say that I think this is just a reaction to that would be a lie. This pre-dates him, pre-dates everything. I realise now how close I was to admitting my sexuality when I first went to university. I recall now that I had this huge thing for one of my friends. And this makes my whole like make sense [ - so *that's* why I used to watch the Tara-Willow story line on Buffy over and over again!]. But one of my reasons for keeping quiet at the moment even from those who are fine with these things is because I want things to settle down and to know for sure, and I know that the reaction of some people will be that it is a reaction to this break-up, that my hormones are all over the place, that it's a phase, I'll get over it as and when I get over him. But I want to be taken seriously. But anyway, better go. Yet again I have gone on and on. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes collecting/looking at pictures of their favourite female actresses!! The number of hours I had previously justified, if I had dared think about it at all, as being "admiration" are just so many and countless!!! But at least now I have a reason. - ok, now I sound like a freak. I do actually spend most of my time out with friends, not cyber-stalking people
