Coming out to my folks

The relationship that I've had with my parents has always been close, especially with my mom. After realizing I was gay the depression/anger I went through did distance me from them for a while though when I was going through junior high and high school. My parents are not religious and have also been mostly liberal-minded too, although occasionally I would hear my dad say something disparaging about gays (usually towards gay stereotypes, not necessarily condemning homosexuality as evil or anything). Also, during this period they were under a lot of stress at their respective workplaces and none of us ever really seemed to be happy during that period of time. At one point, probably a year or two after my epiphany of being gay, I was so messed up in my head that I almost came undone and told my dad, but thought better of it given the stressed atmosphere that permeated our house at the time. Looking back after having finally come out a few months ago, I distinctly remember that feeling of the air seemingly changing around me and time slowing (the same way I felt when I first came out to one of my best friends). I remained in the closet throughout high school and my undergrad degree at college.

Another pivotal moment that kept me in the closet a little longer was when we were visiting relatives in Texas for christmas a few years ago. My mom and I had decided to help on a Christmas Bird Count north of Houston and got up before dawn to make the drive there. On the way, we stopped at a McDonald's in Huntsville for a quick breakfast. While we sat eating there, my mom proceeded to mention a dream she had had that previous night that I was gay. She described it with such surprise, saying how she couldn't believe the guy that had stared at some chicks in bikinis through binoculars as a 5 year old could be gay (which, by the way, was pure innocent fun, having nothing to do with any attraction to the women--I was 5 years old for crying out loud!). Having barely any sleep the night before and having my mom tell me about a dream where I was gay, when I was still clinging to the recesses of the closet, filled me with so much terror. How could my secret be discovered by her in a bloody dream sequence?! I was lost in shock and was somehow able to just joke away the notion of that to her, but that feeling haunted me for a while after that.

Flash-forward to this summer, having come out of the closet for the first time to a close friend. After doing this, I realized that the next people I would probably tell would be my parents. Luckily for me, my relationship with my parents had gotten closer when I had gone away to college and they were able to move out of the city and retire from the jobs that they hated. As soon as that happened they both seemed to have turned over a new leaf and seemed so much happier, especially my dad. So, contemplating the idea of coming out to them, at least I knew that they would probably take it a lot better than they might have previously. However, it wasn't until I decided to watch some coming out videos on Youtube that I finally got up the courage within me to let it all out to them. The videos I saw all suggested that I "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". The one set of videos had filmed post-reactions of the person's family members, which all had very positive and heart-warming responses to this person coming out (I watched these videos into the wee hours of the morning, balling my eyes out).

The next day after I taught lab I made the two hour drive home, knowing in my heart that would be the day I would come out to them. I usually listen to music while I drive, but that day I drove in silence as I imagined the various scenarios of what my parents' reactions would be like. Of course, some of these involved perceived bad reactions where I thought out what my reply would be to them. Upon arriving home, I first greeted my parents' dog (who is always thrilled to see me), but sat on the floor still running through the various ways I could broach the subject. My mom pretty quickly noticed something was up with me, given my solemn behavior. I then said "there's something I need to get off my chest" and my mom yelled at my dad to turn down the blaring TV and to come over. I knelt facing my mom across the breakfast nook, with my arms folded in front of me on the back of one of the bar stool-like chairs. I then said "I'm gay". Unfortunately, my dad had not initially heard what I had said and I took his "what?" defensively, stating again, but with slight anger "I'm gay...I'm a fag". At this point, looking at my parents I was shocked by the pure lack of shock/bewilderment they displayed. I think my dad was the first to speak, plainly saying, "well, you are what you are...we'll love you no matter what" and my mom reiterated this sentiment. I was floored! I at least expected some negative reaction, at the very least something to the effect of them taking a moment to get used to the idea of me being gay. However, I then asked my dad if he ever suspected it and he said that since I had not dated any girls between high school and grad school the thought had occurred to him. This anticlimactic response to my coming out and them expressing their unconditional love beyond humbled me. We then went on to eat dinner in front of the TV like usual.

Recently (a couple months after I came out to them) my mom told me that the first thought that ran through her head when I came out was that they would have to get a larger bed for my old bedroom to accommodate two adult men when I eventually am dating someone. :lol: She also raised a glass to my coming out when we went to a local bar before one of our favorite bands (Smile Empty Soul) performed there. Despite all the shit I went through being in the closet and my perceived fears due to some of their statements about gays when I was growing up, I am so thankful to have these two as my parents.

And now coming out to more of my friends, including some that have acted homophobic, is the next hurdle...

 

I have talked to my mom about the dream and the funny thing is that she doesn't even remember having that dream now. It certainly made an impact on me though!

Talking to my dad on the phone this evening he mentioned that he called up a friend of his from his old workplace, who is a lesbian, to tell her the news of my coming out. He said she told him that it took her 40 years to come to terms with her sexuality. Now she lives with a partner though. Better late than never!