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I took my time but it was worth it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by faultyat40, Sep 18, 2011.

  1. faultyat40

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Coming out was very difficut for me. I didn't really start until I went back to college for a second time in my early twenties. I grew up in an area where there was no out gay men I knew of and gay was a term of abuse. The key thing at school was to avoid being called queer. The irony is that I was gay but it was other straight lads that got bullied for being queer. It taught me that being gay was something to hide, to be ashamed of. Instead I worked hard at acting straight.

    It didn't help that I had a poor relationship with my parents. They didn't really like each other and were fairly cold towards me. I certainly couldn't talk to them.

    I didn't start to acknowledge my own sexuality until I was at college for the first time. There was a gay lad I knew, who I was so jealous of. He was handsome and out. I wanted him so badly but couldn't reconcile being gay with my own self image. I got very depressed, as I could not act on my feelings. I left college and went through a really rough time. I finally got help when I went back to visit my old college and ran into my tutor. He could see I was not happy and gave me good advice. He got me into walking, nothing fancy just pull your boots on and start walking. It helped me manage my depression. I went back to see him a couple of times.

    I didn't come out to anyone still, not until I started at a new college. I think I did it because I felt safe at college compared to work. It still took some time but eventually I summoned the courage to tell one of my new friends that I was gay. I think it helped that they didn't know me well. I guess I could drop my fake self-image more easily.

    Bit by bit I came out at college, until everyone knew, but I was not out anywhere else. I got a new job and decided to be out from day one, before anyone knew me or cared. Actualy it wasn't that easy. No-one asked! Eventually I slipped it into conversation and that was that. It didn't take long for everyone to know, and no-one cared.

    This was a really important step as it allowed me to start having proper relationships with men. Up until then I had a lot of one night stands with guys I met through contact ads. I'd meet them, encourage them to take me back to theirs, get fucked and then disappear early in the morning. Being able to sustain a relationship and talk about it with friends was a big step. And being fucked by someone you know and care about is so much nicer!

    Even then coming out to my family seemed a step I could not take. I hide relationship after relationship from them, even when I was living with one guy. I bascially had to keep them at arms length, which was difficult because my Mum was trying to make up with me after their divorce.

    I was 30 (yes 30) before I plucked up the courage to do it. I was kind of forced to. I was living with a guy and he was not happy at having to avoid answering the phone etc. So eventually I decided to write to my Mum to tell her. It was so difficult posting that letter. I jumped everytime the phone rang. Fortunately she responded in writing. We get on better now. She took it okay I suppose, but it was so embarrasing the first time I saw her afterwards. She doesn't really understand and thinks I am somehow at risk being gay. We do not talk about it much, but it is easier now that she knows. I don't habe to hide things.

    Whenever I change job or meet new people, I find myself going through the same thing: do I tell them I am gay or not. It gets easier, of course, but never goes away completely. I used to beat myself up about it until a friend reminded me that he had never told his Mother and he didn't care. There was nothing in it for him other than aggro.

    My overall feeling is that:
    - coming out is important. it is about being comfortable with yourself
    - but there are no rules, it is your life and it is right when it is right for you. It is not for anyone else to say otherwise.


    I am glad that I took my time. it was what was right for me

    :kiss:
     
    #1 faultyat40, Sep 18, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2011
  2. Gallatin

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    Thanks for sharing!! :slight_smile:
     
  3. mnguy

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Good point about different people taking different paths and time to get through this journey we're all on. I'm always amazed how guys meet up with other guys so easily it seems. How do you have the guts to take that risk of meeting a stranger for sex or whatever? Maybe I'm too much of a wimp to try that. Anyway, congrats on coming out to everyone and you can give us some inspiration :slight_smile: