26m Coming out story

Hi,

I love reading message boards, but I never post on them. This particular board helped me out a lot during a very difficult period of my life. Like others, I swore that if things ever got better that I would post about it here because if anyone out there is in a similar situation and reading this helps them feel even a little bit better than it’s worth typing this out. It’s a bit long and I’m not going to apologize because I love the long stories :icon_bigg

I’m 26 years old now and I knew I was gay when I was in highschool. I quickly realized that everyone around me would hate me if they knew. So, I ignored it. I dated girls for the rest of high school and college. I swore to myself that I would keep my feelings in check no matter what. I would be a success as long as I could keep acting straight. If I admitted to myself that I was gay, then I would be a failure. So I was determined to succeed.

I stopped dating shortly after college and threw myself into work in order to cope. It was great for my career, but not so great for my mental health. About three years into my doctoral program, I was working late one night and somehow my mind wandered back to high school and the time when I first realized that I was gay. I had been getting progressively unhappy and shut everyone I was close to out of my life. That particular night I decided to try acknowledging the fact that I might still be gay, if only for a couple of days.

The next three days were pure euphoria. Anyone who has subjected themselves to the mental gymnastics necessary to maintain a false straight identity can probably relate. All of a sudden, I had a parsimonious theory to explain everything. Two words: I’m gay.

After the euphoria of the initial realization, the depression set in. Now I had failed. I was too weak to keep my feelings in check and I hated myself for it. The next several months were very difficult. Websites like this were immensely helpful in getting me though and it was such a relief to know that other people were dealing with the same issues. Eventually it became clear that something wasn’t right. I’m a good, hardworking person. If people have a problem with me because I’m gay, then maybe I’m not the one with the problem. They are.

That Wednesday I called my sister on the phone and told her that I was gay. She told me she loved me no matter what and she would always be there for me. I told my friend/coworker the next day and he couldn’t have reacted more positively. He recognized the significance of the moment and invited me out so we could talk about it over beers. Over the next few weeks I told my other friends so that all of the people close to me knew. Everyone was supportive. I have never been so relieved.

My mom came to visit a few weeks later. I didn’t plan on telling her because she’s dealing with some other issues in her life and I didn’t want to be an additional burden. However, I hadn’t anticipated how difficult it would be to keep this from her. Somewhat spontaneously I decided that I needed to tell her. To provide some context, I love my Mom, but she can be very emotional. She had commented about how being gay isn’t normal and I fully expected a complete meltdown.

That night while we’re watching TV, I sat down next to her on the couch and I got very serious. I prepared myself to calm her down and walk her through things. I tell her I have something important to talk to her about and when she’s listening I tell her that I’m gay and start into the talk. She stays very calm and before I can get too far, she puts her arm around me and I stopped talking.

She says, “Brady…I love you. Thank you so much for telling me. I’m so proud of you for telling me.”

And I completely burst into tears! Just bawled my eyes out. Complete wreck! She said that she is happy as long as I’m happy. Basically, Mom hit it out of the park.

It’s now been a few months since I came out and I’ve been seeing a guy. For the first time in my life I’m dating someone that I’m attracted to. Sometimes I wonder if coming out was the right thing to do. Sometimes I get scared thinking about how other people regard gay people. Every single time we kiss I know that everything is worth it. All of the bullshit, all of the fear, it is all worth it just to be honestly, truly close to someone. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I’m so happy to be able to post this. If you’re struggling to come to terms with being gay, please hang in there.

I promise it’s worth it.

Take care everyone.