The first activity for Coming Out Week at my university today was an event where you could make your own t-shirt (you brought the shirt, they provided the paint). The school's GLBTQ organization and PFLAG also had booths with fliers. The idea I came up with for a shirt was the word "spectabilis", which was an inside joke that a few friends and I had from our mammalogy class last semester. In class, we learned about a kangaroo rat whose scientific name was Dipodomys spectabilis and we joked that the word spectabilis sounded like a mix between "spectacular" and "fabulous" (and in joking, we pronounced the word with a little flair). Since I'm planning on coming out to a few of those friends tomorrow in the class we're currently in together, I figured wearing a shirt with this word painted in rainbow colors would be a good segue. Just before I went down to make the shirt today, I decided to look up the Latin meaning of "spectabilis". It means "visible, worthy of seeing, or remarkable". Visibility certainly fits with the idea of not hiding who I am anymore and coming out. What a perfect thing to put on a shirt for coming out week!! Since 9:00am today I've come out to three more friends. Fuckin' spectabilis!
I came out to two more people today. The first one is a friend (a girl) who I learned recently had a crush on me. I wore the "spectabilis" shirt to class and before class she immediately asked where/why I made the shirt. I told her I made it at the GLBTQ organization's Coming Out Week activities and she asked if I was "trying to tell them something". I responded with yep and then said "I'm gay". She then congratulated me and was really nice about it, but I could definitely see a look of sadness in her eyes. I sort of felt bad, but not really. What she wanted was impossible and I can't let myself feel ashamed anymore. After class she chatted with me like we usually do, so it doesn't look like she'll abandon me as a friend. The next person I told was my friend, who is my current crush (and that my bi friend and I are convinced is deep in the closet based on the plethora of weird behaviors he's exhibited around us). I again used the shirt to my advantage when he asked what I made it for. He didn't say anything, but seemed (superficially?) cool with it. Right then a friend of his arrived to eat lunch with us, so that part of the conversation died. After he and his friend left, my bi friend and I discussed what happened. My bi friend had planned on coming out to them too, but felt too nervous about it at the time. He has more classes with my crush, so he said if questions are asked about my coming out, he'll use that as a segue to come out himself. (Sorry if the use of "he" was confusing above. It wouldn't help if I used their first names, since both my bi friend and my crush have the same freakin' name. It definitely makes shit confusing in conversations about them!) It's definitely a relief for me now that I've let the cat out of the bag to these two friends in particular. Even though I strongly suspect my crush is closeted, I'm going to try to not waste anymore brainpower thinking about him as a possibility. I need to move on. I hope that my coming out gives him the courage to come out on his own somewhere down the line, even if I don't ever end up in a relationship with him. At this point, there are only a few close friends left to come out to which I'll try to get around to as the week goes on. The last few days have definitely put me in a weird state of mind, having come out to multiple people in such rapid succession. I guess the weird feeling is just that I haven't had time to really process it all and just the fact that I'm finally not hiding what I had hid for so long. I'm planning on going to more of the Coming Out Week events, so hopefully I'll start meeting more gay/bi people. The train rolls on!
Well, funny story. My bi friend told me that this other friend thought that I was joking when I came out to him the other day. The bi friend had to tell him that, no I wasn't joking and I was seriously gay. He said this other friend seemed cool with it, but made some comment to the effect of "as long as he doesn't hit on me". What's even more weird is that this friend (who we think is deep in the closet) was apparently acting really flirty and "handsy" with my bi friend, and invited him over to his house after class where he suddenly started acting more "straight". Apparently this is only the second time that this friend has invited him over in the couple of years that they've known each other. While he was over there, this friend started asking questions about me and this is when he had to get across the point that I was sincerely coming out to him. It seems to us that he is maybe un/subconciously acting out these behaviors and hasn't admitted to himself that he is closeted (bi or gay). This is on top of his conversations with my bi friend about feeling "confused" about having feelings for his current girlfriend since he had proclaimed to have never really felt anything for all of the past girls he has dated. I'm wondering if his delayed reaction/obliviousness to my coming out wasn't more along the lines of being in denial that I could be gay (and a symptom of his own denial)?? Today in class he still sat next to me as usual, but did not make any comments about my coming out. What was odd though was after an awkward silence after he first sat down, he thanked me for reminding him about some event coming up, which I had mentioned ~1 week ago. Not sure why the hell this popped into his mind now.... Definitely a confusing character!
