I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

BenMan · 17th Oct 2011, 01:20 PM

i am now sure, after 20 odd years of "knowing" but denying... I AM GAY!
I had an extremely emotional experience +-18 months ago, that shook me so hard- I didnt know myself, I was crying in front of people because of my loss (death of a colleage)... I was scared of myself.
I forced myself to investigate my feelings, emotions and to deal with my fears. I soon realised that I was ... haha get this... - BISEXUAL... uhm not for a long time though...
I went through all the stages of loss... as I really felt embaressed and disappointed in myself, more for not realising it before I got married (almost 7 years now!) and have 2 todlers. WOW.
What a thing to deal with...
I am still, but used to be so full of guilt, you wont imagine the pain I caused myself.
Got sick like 6 times a year, had serious colon problems and headaches.
Its been almost a year since i came out to myself, +- a month now since I came out to my wife, and +- 2 weeks since telling my parents and younger sister.

I CAN SEE THE THOUGHT PROCESS OR EVOLVEMENT OF THOUGHTS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE USED TO BE. I am like 100 steps ahead of them, and sometimes have to shake myself back into reality - they need to deal with it, it took me so many years.
How can I expect them to just accept it?
at stages it feels like I need the support, but they all want my support! but then I just figure that they are all so mature about this, I need to get them to the point to except it, so the more support I can give, the better for all of us.
like i say sometimes - "I created this mess, so let me deal with it"
I realise that I need to forgive myself for the pain I am causing, to heal, and to support them. and besides, it's not a MESS, its just life. I need to deal with it.

I became more certain than ever of my gay orientation since I told my wife and parents.
my wife is very supporting, I have (for now) 1 night a week, no questions asked, and it will eventually phase into me, having half the month for myself...
we are closer than ever, and have a strong friendship. we are now more honest with each other, and I even give her health and makeup tips, not that I wear makeup.. but its easy to comment on such things now... because we are friends - good friends!

we have decided to remain in the same household for the children's sake, but are seperated and will get divorced eventually, to give them a loving home with mommy and daddy. In future I will even invite MR Right!!! for picknics etc with my children and Friend.
this sounds hard and intimidating to live exactly 2 lives, I am not naive, but have responsibilities I want to take care of, and if I have to inconvenience my 2nd life for years, so be it. I cannot have exactly all.

I will grow with time to be openly gay to the public, but only after my friend has recovered from this situation, and we told her family. for now- i will have 2 lives.

I have excepted my orientation, and do not feel shy or embarresed anymore!
I am the same person with many wonderfull characteristics, and had excellent "training" of how to behave myself in public!! hahahah
So I know how to remain respectful and normal.

the problem is that hetrosexual people do not know the gay world, and judge from the little (bad stuff only) they know - sex; aids; sinfull life; rejection; bla bla blaaaa.

the little that I have came to know, is that it is the same as hetrosexual peolpe, actually gay people have better taste, they are more sophisticated, caring, real, loving etc.

my biggest problem is that I may come off harsh to my loved ones, when I forcefully tell them that - i am not in a midlife crisis, i am not on a 7 year itch, i have no doubt, as I am risking this perfect life that everyone looks up to and envy. I am gay and want everyone to except it!

it just feel like I have to set and maintain the boundaries, as I came out FOR myself, and need to deal with reality, I didnt come out for them, so I need to slowly introduce the reality to them... does it make sense or is it just tooo selfish???

I was a very religious person close to God once, but it is my aim now since I have excepted myself, to go and build on my relationship with Him, as I am, to go find Him again and feel His awesomeness again. I feel I can walk a road with Him, with myself being gay, and He loves me unconditionally!

it is a hard road ahead, but lets go!!!

I have a very good gay friend that inspires me, and just give the best advice, making me feel comfortable and allow me to make my own decisions on my own time, no pressure, such a gentleman! thankyou M for your support!!!
I also am meeting C, a lesbian christian girl of my age- and just have this 6th sense that we will become close friends!

I am truely blessed!

---------- Post added 17th Oct 2011 at 10:40 PM ----------

hey does anyone know of a wife with todler/s that went through the same process of the husband that came out?

Hidinginalabama · 17th Oct 2011, 03:36 PM

Way to go man. This is a really big thing for you and i think your doing great. I hope things keep getting better down the road.

**Eleanor Rigby** · 18th Oct 2011, 01:33 AM

Congratulations for coming out, especially to your wife.
Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that she may fine helpful : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_...ght_Spouse.pdf
There is also this website where she would be able to find help and support :
Straight Spouse Network - The Other Side of the Closet

By the way, not every straight people are judgmental, nor do they all believe in the negative stereotypes about the gay community... just saying...

Take care, Cécile

jimL · 18th Oct 2011, 06:41 AM

Wow BenMan that is truly amazing. You have done so well is a short period of time. I am an older married man and came out to my wife and family last June. We do not have kids so that probably makes it easier.....as thought it's ever easy to come out. Not! We are still together and trying to figure out the next step. Like your wife, mine has become my best friend and we are closer than we have ever been. I'm not sure how it will end up....time will tell.

I to was a religious person because I was raised a Catholic and I have battled with what I was told as a kid. It was so painful for all those years to hear from your church that you are a bad person. I know there are many churches out there that will accept me with open arms so with time I will probably gravitate back to the church.

So congratulations on making the progress that you have in such a short period of time. The only thing I might say is to be cautions in pushing people into accepting the "new you" and who you are to quickly. You have been processing this for a long long time and those that love you and care about you need and deserve the time to process it.

BenMan · 18th Oct 2011, 12:43 PM

thank you so much for the inspiration, its easier knowing other people go through the same issues. and thank you for your advice, sometimes i do feel "selfish" and impatient and then maybe push to hard. i needed to hear that.
its just difficult to take it slow, as I know what i want, but yes, I really need to get a grip and take it slow.
thanks!!!

---------- Post added 18th Oct 2011 at 09:46 PM ----------

thank you, I feel so much full of life and HAPPY! my new motto is:
"life is a song, and i am so singing it!!!"

malachite · 18th Oct 2011, 02:11 PM

congrats you should be proud

quietman702 · 20th Oct 2011, 10:20 AM

Congrats BenMan!. I just took the step and came out to my wife 2 weeks ago... still uncharted waters but your words have offered me some hope.

BenMan · 24th Oct 2011, 01:23 PM

hey quietman702... congratulations, it is not easy for me, but because I am so sure, it actually is!

the best thing we can do is to consider the immediate people in our lives, especially wifes... but to remain the same respectful people who we are. it is inevitable, if this is what you really want, that you will seperate from your wife, but we can still remain lifelong friends with them, obviously pending the way we handle things...

goodluck that side, I have my down days, but see light at the end of the tunnel, and besides my good days are more than the down days!!! and one gets down in life at times anyway...
mwa

Tracker57 · 3rd Dec 2011, 06:52 PM

You are a very courageous guy. I'm in a similar situation but much farther down the denial road. I have to wish you the best for happiness, because it's a road I'm getting ready to head down myself very soon. Please keep your status updated for us gay guys who denied their ways into straight marriages. Now how to untangle.....
It would have been to have just been honest with myself all along. When we deceive ourselves, we deceive others by accident and they take the truth harder than we do many times.
Good luck.
Tracker

17th Oct 2011, 01:20 PM	#1
BenMan Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Posts: 4 Join Date: Oct 2011	I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family i am now sure, after 20 odd years of "knowing" but denying... I AM GAY! I had an extremely emotional experience +-18 months ago, that shook me so hard- I didnt know myself, I was crying in front of people because of my loss (death of a colleage)... I was scared of myself. I forced myself to investigate my feelings, emotions and to deal with my fears. I soon realised that I was ... haha get this... - BISEXUAL... uhm not for a long time though... I went through all the stages of loss... as I really felt embaressed and disappointed in myself, more for not realising it before I got married (almost 7 years now!) and have 2 todlers. WOW. What a thing to deal with... I am still, but used to be so full of guilt, you wont imagine the pain I caused myself. Got sick like 6 times a year, had serious colon problems and headaches. Its been almost a year since i came out to myself, +- a month now since I came out to my wife, and +- 2 weeks since telling my parents and younger sister. I CAN SEE THE THOUGHT PROCESS OR EVOLVEMENT OF THOUGHTS IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS MINE USED TO BE. I am like 100 steps ahead of them, and sometimes have to shake myself back into reality - they need to deal with it, it took me so many years. How can I expect them to just accept it? at stages it feels like I need the support, but they all want my support! but then I just figure that they are all so mature about this, I need to get them to the point to except it, so the more support I can give, the better for all of us. like i say sometimes - "I created this mess, so let me deal with it" I realise that I need to forgive myself for the pain I am causing, to heal, and to support them. and besides, it's not a MESS, its just life. I need to deal with it. I became more certain than ever of my gay orientation since I told my wife and parents. my wife is very supporting, I have (for now) 1 night a week, no questions asked, and it will eventually phase into me, having half the month for myself... we are closer than ever, and have a strong friendship. we are now more honest with each other, and I even give her health and makeup tips, not that I wear makeup.. but its easy to comment on such things now... because we are friends - good friends! we have decided to remain in the same household for the children's sake, but are seperated and will get divorced eventually, to give them a loving home with mommy and daddy. In future I will even invite MR Right!!! for picknics etc with my children and Friend. this sounds hard and intimidating to live exactly 2 lives, I am not naive, but have responsibilities I want to take care of, and if I have to inconvenience my 2nd life for years, so be it. I cannot have exactly all. I will grow with time to be openly gay to the public, but only after my friend has recovered from this situation, and we told her family. for now- i will have 2 lives. I have excepted my orientation, and do not feel shy or embarresed anymore! I am the same person with many wonderfull characteristics, and had excellent "training" of how to behave myself in public!! hahahah So I know how to remain respectful and normal. the problem is that hetrosexual people do not know the gay world, and judge from the little (bad stuff only) they know - sex; aids; sinfull life; rejection; bla bla blaaaa. the little that I have came to know, is that it is the same as hetrosexual peolpe, actually gay people have better taste, they are more sophisticated, caring, real, loving etc. my biggest problem is that I may come off harsh to my loved ones, when I forcefully tell them that - i am not in a midlife crisis, i am not on a 7 year itch, i have no doubt, as I am risking this perfect life that everyone looks up to and envy. I am gay and want everyone to except it! it just feel like I have to set and maintain the boundaries, as I came out FOR myself, and need to deal with reality, I didnt come out for them, so I need to slowly introduce the reality to them... does it make sense or is it just tooo selfish??? I was a very religious person close to God once, but it is my aim now since I have excepted myself, to go and build on my relationship with Him, as I am, to go find Him again and feel His awesomeness again. I feel I can walk a road with Him, with myself being gay, and He loves me unconditionally! it is a hard road ahead, but lets go!!! I have a very good gay friend that inspires me, and just give the best advice, making me feel comfortable and allow me to make my own decisions on my own time, no pressure, such a gentleman! thankyou M for your support!!! I also am meeting C, a lesbian christian girl of my age- and just have this 6th sense that we will become close friends! I am truely blessed! ---------- Post added 17th Oct 2011 at 10:40 PM ---------- hey does anyone know of a wife with todler/s that went through the same process of the husband that came out?

17th Oct 2011, 03:36 PM	#2
Hidinginalabama EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Say no to the boobs. Say hell yes to men. Out Status: Almost every one other than work Location: alabama Age: 22 Posts: 954 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family Way to go man. This is a really big thing for you and i think your doing great. I hope things keep getting better down the road.

18th Oct 2011, 01:33 AM	#3
Eleanor Rigby Filip's sidekick EC Advisor Gender: Female Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out as straight ally Location: France Age: 32 Posts: 5,401 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family Congratulations for coming out, especially to your wife. Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that she may fine helpful : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_...ght_Spouse.pdf There is also this website where she would be able to find help and support : Straight Spouse Network - The Other Side of the Closet By the way, not every straight people are judgmental, nor do they all believe in the negative stereotypes about the gay community... just saying... Take care, Cécile __________________ "Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means." Immanuel Kant

18th Oct 2011, 06:41 AM	#4
jimL I Can't Even Think Straight Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Sexy hot guys Out Status: Family, friends, work, anyone who asks!!!! Location: Oregon, USA Posts: 308 Join Date: May 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family Wow BenMan that is truly amazing. You have done so well is a short period of time. I am an older married man and came out to my wife and family last June. We do not have kids so that probably makes it easier.....as thought it's ever easy to come out. Not! We are still together and trying to figure out the next step. Like your wife, mine has become my best friend and we are closer than we have ever been. I'm not sure how it will end up....time will tell. I to was a religious person because I was raised a Catholic and I have battled with what I was told as a kid. It was so painful for all those years to hear from your church that you are a bad person. I know there are many churches out there that will accept me with open arms so with time I will probably gravitate back to the church. So congratulations on making the progress that you have in such a short period of time. The only thing I might say is to be cautions in pushing people into accepting the "new you" and who you are to quickly. You have been processing this for a long long time and those that love you and care about you need and deserve the time to process it. __________________ Jim Learning to love who I am! And no longer ashamed to be gay!!!!!

18th Oct 2011, 12:43 PM	#5
BenMan Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Posts: 4 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family thank you so much for the inspiration, its easier knowing other people go through the same issues. and thank you for your advice, sometimes i do feel "selfish" and impatient and then maybe push to hard. i needed to hear that. its just difficult to take it slow, as I know what i want, but yes, I really need to get a grip and take it slow. thanks!!! ---------- Post added 18th Oct 2011 at 09:46 PM ---------- thank you, I feel so much full of life and HAPPY! my new motto is: "life is a song, and i am so singing it!!!"

18th Oct 2011, 02:11 PM	#6
malachite EC's realist Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Orlando Posts: 6,480 Join Date: Apr 2009	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family congrats you should be proud __________________ It's the 21st century, your bigotry is outdated. Either upgrade or go away.

20th Oct 2011, 10:20 AM	#7
quietman702 Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some people Location: Wheeling, WV Age: 56 Posts: 16 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family Congrats BenMan!. I just took the step and came out to my wife 2 weeks ago... still uncharted waters but your words have offered me some hope.

24th Oct 2011, 01:23 PM	#8
BenMan Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Posts: 4 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family hey quietman702... congratulations, it is not easy for me, but because I am so sure, it actually is! the best thing we can do is to consider the immediate people in our lives, especially wifes... but to remain the same respectful people who we are. it is inevitable, if this is what you really want, that you will seperate from your wife, but we can still remain lifelong friends with them, obviously pending the way we handle things... goodluck that side, I have my down days, but see light at the end of the tunnel, and besides my good days are more than the down days!!! and one gets down in life at times anyway... mwa

3rd Dec 2011, 06:52 PM	#9
Tracker57 Married Gay Man Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay to Stay: I'm a 5.5 on the Kinsey Scale Out Status: Only to 8 friends, and some family Location: Tampa, Florida Age: 54 Posts: 175 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: I fell out the closet and came out to wife and family You are a very courageous guy. I'm in a similar situation but much farther down the denial road. I have to wish you the best for happiness, because it's a road I'm getting ready to head down myself very soon. Please keep your status updated for us gay guys who denied their ways into straight marriages. Now how to untangle..... It would have been to have just been honest with myself all along. When we deceive ourselves, we deceive others by accident and they take the truth harder than we do many times. Good luck. Tracker