(The post isn't as long as it looks, a lot of it is dialogue) This is my first post here, but I wanted to try to put myself out there a little bit by sharing what happened when I came out to my dad. (Actually, he guessed.) It was spring break and we were having lunch together in his apartment. I sat down and started to eat my lunch. Earlier that week, he asked how things were going with me. Me: Things are going really well. The counselor I'm seeing really hit on something; I think it's what's been bothering me for a while... Anyway, I've almost completely come off anti-depressants and I'm able to see him less while we work through it. Him:. Oh? Me: -nod- Him: What is it? Me:..Er..well, I can't really talk about it. He was surprised, because I've always told him /everything./ Him: No? Why not? Me: I mean, it was hard to talk about it with someone who LEGALLY can't share it with anyone; and with someone who I don't care what they end up thinking about me. Him: You know, I'll love and support you no matter what... Me: It's not the love part I'm worried about; it's the literal support. Him: -disturbed- I wish you felt like you could tell me... I want to be there for you. Me: Yeah. I know. Me too. So back to lunch the next day. We're sitting there and he says.. Him: ..So, this thing, that's been bothering you... Me: uhuh? I looked up and saw the way he was bracing himself, overly casual, trying too hard.It made me nervous. Him: Are you thinking you might be gay? I was so shocked. So ..terrified, I started bawling. I wasn't prepared for the conversation at all; didn't have my facts set, didn't know how I was going to answer questions. I was terrified. Dad felt awful. He dropped (literally) everything and came over to sit beside me and hug me. He apologized, over and over for that because he didn't really expect to get it on the first try. He then proceeds to tell me that HE had a same-sex experience. Which of course, shocks me /more/ and I stop choking on my tears for a second. He goes on ..and on...sounding supportive... Telling me that he still loves me, and he's not as cynical and judgmental as he used to be. Then..he says.. "You know, I think , we start believing something for a while..and then..it becomes true for us..." Me: What...-sniffling, unable to look up yet- Him: You know, like you tell yourself something long enough to believe it... Me: ..I dont think this is the case.. Then he goes on about how he'll help and support me by helping me find a 12 step program and through prayer and by emphasizing my relationship with god. -Then he says that he's worried about my soul and stuff... ...I dunno..I felt both hurt, supported, loved, and rejected all at once... -Should I be doing or saying something to him to help him move past this kind of thinking? Or is it wrong for me to try to change his views?
You can't pray away gay...anymore than you can pray away anything else God gave you. You are what he wanted you to be. Treat people good and love as many people are possible...sex is not love...sex might be one way of expressing romantic love...at least this is what I think so far.
I understand the feeling, when I came out to my parents I originally got a lot of love and support and a couple of days later they started trying every single thing they could think of to make me not be gay, they even gave me the "believing something for a while" reason. It can be very hard and confusing to go through this. Your dad will most likely take a long time to come around, he has to accept that you are gay first before he can become to assess his life views. At the moment I would let him absorb the information and wait for a time when you feel much more comfortable talking about it before approaching his views on the subject which will hopefully change over time. Best of luck
Too many parents think it is just a phase...hell some guys do too...once you know it is not going to change you have to change I think...you get real good at hiding who you are...until the right time and place...even adopted parents freak some...but regular parents might have a harder time...sometimes we all forget they were our age once.
I hope your dad will come around and what you did is a great thing. Things will get better over time.
First of all, welcome to EC! Secondly congrats on coming out to your dad. I would give him some time to process the news. When he is ready, just be there to have a honest discussion with him. Just like you had a coming out he now has his own coming out. I can not tell how old you are from your postings but I would strongly suggest that you don't let your dad have you involved in anything that will 'pray away gay'. It does not work at all. The AMA and the a number of psychiatric groups have denounced 'pray away gay' or trying to become 'ex-gay'. It has been found to be very dangerous and have left many worst off than when they started. I would talk to your counselor about this.
Well, at least you are 21, and he can't actually force you into so-called reparative therapy. Your dad might be really hard to convince, especially if he's, you know, just a little bit bisexual, so that he can successfully repress it without serious psychological harm. Like, because prayer and whatever were enough for him to set aside his own same-sex attractions. See, he'll think he actually knows what he's talking about. Have you considered having the counselor talk to him about it?
Oh dear... I don't know anyone who would put me in ex-gay therapy, so I really don't know what to tell you. I really hope you're hanging in though!
Thanks to everyone for the awesome and helpful comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. <3 Ianthe; I haven't thought about that to be honest. But I don't know that he would be open to the idea of counseling. We talked again last night. He reaffirmed that he loved me but that he couldn't condone the 'choice'. He seems to think that being sexually abused, made me basically distrust men. =/ I get that thought. I mean I used it as an excuse for the reason I didn't want to date anyone... Except. ... That was years ago. I'm not holding anger against that person, and I have guy friends without hesitation. Good suggestion though.
