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First outing experience

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by midwestgirl89, Oct 27, 2011.

  1. midwestgirl89

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    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've never been on this part of the site and I'm thinking about my own story so I thought I'd come here to get it out. For the past like 5 years I've come out to people on my own terms. I'm not out to everyone but I'm in a GSA at school and I feel proud to be gay finally. My first outing experience messed me up and I'm still not completely over it. Sorry this is so long I just needed to talk to someone that I don't know in person.

    During high school, my ex-best friend and I were having sex a lot (even though she had a boyfriend) and I fell in love with her. She would tell all of our friends at school that she had sex with her boyfriend but would not say anything about us. I eventually told her I loved her, she said she didn't love me, and she told me our sex meant nothing to her. This was devastating because it was my first time and I had never trusted someone that much before. She pushed me away and I reacted really badly. I was jealous and hurt. She didn't care about me (This was confirmed by another friend. My best friend had said she didn't care about me to several people). We ended up having to stop being friends.

    Over the course of our friendship I had wrote her letters in which I told her I loved her. She showed my entire science class at school the letters I wrote her when I was sick one day. She outed me. She talked to many people about my feelings for her. She didn't tell them we had sex or that we had kissed. They all thought I was a crazy lesbian.

    We were both on the tennis team. We went on a trip where we had to stay in a hotel room. Most girls did not want to stay with me. I ended up staying in a room with girls who knew nothing of the rumors. While on the trip, a girl from my ex-best friend's room spread the rumor that I was having sex with one of my hotel roommates. They all joked behind my back and later made a quote in our school newspaper referring to my rumored lesbian sex. Of course I didn't have sex and I was unaware of the rumors until I was back at school again. A teammate's mother looked at me with disgust the entire trip. Years later, she still looks at me with disgust if I ever see her.

    My ex-best friend told me about the tennis team rumors. She told me everyone in the school hated me and thought I was crazy. Girls were uncomfortable to be around me. My sister's friends heard rumors about me too. I'm pretty sure anyone who knew my name thought I was a crazy lesbo/bi-sexual girl.

    I lost a lot of friends during this time. I don't know if it was because of the outing or because they chose to remain friends with my ex-best friend. Regardless I felt alone. I couldn't talk to any of my friends about it without feeling weird.

    My high school reputation was completely shattered if I ever had one. I was suicidal and started cutting myself. My mom got super worried about me and tried to send me to a psych hospital. I didn't go but I probably should have. If it wasn't for my mom (who was completely supportive) I would have killed myself. I became more withdrawn and became really depressed for 3 years. I self injured through a lot of this time. I gained some weight from stress eating which I've lost by now.

    Several close friends stuck by me. They're still my friends but we have never discussed what happened that year. I tried to pretend for years that I was straight and tried to run from my high school days. I was ashamed of how they thought of me.

    I'm still unsure about officially coming out to some people because I'm afraid it will remind them of what happened in high school. Also, I don't want people to think badly of me. I'm pretty much out at college but not so much to most family or friends from high school (even though I was outed in hs I tried to pretend it wasn't true). Everyone knows I'm gay but I pretend it isn't there. It's unspoken knowledge.

    Anyway, to the present day. I'm much better now but I don't trust people with my feelings. I have told numerous people I'm gay although I don't like talking about it much. I don't let people in. I've never gotten over what happened. This is embarrassing and I'm sorry for writing so much. :confused:

    *phew* It's cool to have this site cuz I've never been able to talk about this to someone in "real life".
     
  2. Hidinginalabama

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    I'm glad to hear things are getting better for you. I got to say what your ex-best friend did was hatefull and I can't understand why some one would do something like that. I hope that things keep getting better for you as you keep coming out in your life. Best of luck with every thing. And remember your never alone.
     
  3. DhammaGamer

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    That's shitty. Bullying is so terrible. I don't understand why kids are so mean. If it weren't for the fear of this type of thing happening to me, I would have been a lot more confident about coming out in high school.

    You shouldn't be worried about what they think nowadays. People like that are only hurting themselves in the long run. Hate always leads to suffering.

    Be confident and strong.
     
  4. Vesper

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    I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this awful experience; it's completely understandable that you would not let anyone in after that happened. No one should ever have his/her trust betrayed in such a despicable way, especially by someone s/he regards as a best friend.

    You don't have to be embarrassed to talk about this, because nothing that happened was your fault. Come out and learn to trust again at your own pace and at your own comfort level, and you will be able to gain the ultimate retribution against your friend's betrayal by living out and proud.
     
  5. midwestgirl89

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    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for your support. My mom always said I was bullied but I never thought of what happened as bullying because I felt like I kind of deserved it. She would talk about me to everyone but I never wanted to spread rumors about her or talk about her behind her back. I could have never broken her trust like that.

    A popular girl became my friend and asked me why I always defended my ex-best friend when the ex-bff talked about me constantly. I didn't have a good answer. The popular girl said she thought I was weird until she got to know me because of what people said.

    When I think back on it I guess I would have been able to relate to the kids who were bullied for being gay. I was never pushed though. People made comments and just treated me differently.

    My friends from the GSA have asked me to be on panels where people would ask you questions about being gay but I always say no because my coming out experience is so personal and not fun. I have never told them about what happened.

    I try to not let it bother me as much anymore but sometimes I'm reminded by tv/movies/etc.