The Pain of Secrecy...

[Wolfgirl90]

I'm filled with loads of fear.
I went home for the weekend; it's only a couple hours away and I wanted to re-charge my batteries so to speak. But recently, every time I start to leave home and drive back here (my college town), I feel very upset that I can't tell them who I am.
It's those awkward moments where your mom hugs you a little too long, because she can tell something's up and is worried.
It's that face your grandma gives you as she's trying to shove food and Halloween candy with your 'luggage' as you try to fit out the front door with all she's given you...

Tonight, while getting ready to leave

Grandma: Oh. Do you want, ___ ___ , ___,___ *ramble ramble*
Me: -sighs a little- No, I'm fine Grandma <3...
Her: okay, do you want -continues with EVERYTHING possible-
Me: [thinking] ...She loves me, she really does, I wish I could tell her and know she'd love me the same way she does now..
Grandma: Oh! Here, you said you were out of ketchup. I have extra ketchup. *stuffs bag with ketchup, and gives bonus Cheez-its*
Me: *smiles at* Thanks. [thinking]..Would she still look at me the way she's doing right now? With a love that's pained to see me go back to college?

Grandma: Grandma just ,...I try to do what I can for y'ns. <3. I just want to provide for you , and this's all I know how.
Me: *gently* I know,thanks grandma. [hugs] God grandma...This hurts, and you have no idea..
Her: [hugs back] *goes back to trying to give me the ENTIREKITCHEN....*


-----
Mom: So! -false cheery tone- Got everything?
Me: *emotionally beginning to wall off for departure* Yeah.
Mom: *prolonged hug*.....Hey. Love you. -kind smile-
Me: I know...Love you too [thinking again] But is it conditional?.... Because that's what's going to matter to me in the end..
Mom: *as I'm getting into car* I'm so proud of you sweetie.
Me: If only you knew, would you still be...? Sigh. *acts like I'm stuffing something into part of my car, looking away to not cry* Thanks mom.

-----

I forgot something and had to come back inside.

Grandpa said something about wanting to be there and be supportive, and that I was welcome home any time. Again , I wanted to cry because there was no way he could know or understand.( He's got Parkinson's disease, ...it interferes with mental function and putting things together and whatnot..)




...It's so frustrating because I know how they feel about gay people (it's /really/ bad....) ! They're so loving and supportive of me in everything else in my life but the one time I'm really going to emotionally need to lean on them, I can't....


I'm not ready to come out to them....but it pains me to know they'll have a VERY negative reaction to me when I do...And that it will forever change my relationship with all of them; if not sever once I come out.

[BenKent]

Your story made me tear up, and I know that exact feeling of questioning what changes will happen when you finally come out. And I know all too well the anxiety that comes with it. My father had a bad reaction to me being gay (and he found out through someone else telling him) he stopped supporting me, stopped paying for school, and now acts like i am a foreigner. But in the end, I am still me and I still have plenty of people who love me. I am sure there are tons of people in your life who love you and will continue to love you unconditionally. Your family may or may not come around to accepting you for who you are, but just remember that even it goes the worst you can imagine, at least you are being honest and being your true self.

<3333

[MommaFrog]

**hugs about 3000 times and then some**

I feel for you, I really do...

I know how scary it can be to come out to family that is homophobic....

I still haven't come out...

I just wanted to hug you and tell you I understand...

[Mister E]

I know exactly how you feel right now. I wish I could come out to my family, but I have the sane situation as you do. My parents always laugh at gay people om TV shows in such a demeaning way. Modern Family, for example. They laugh and laugh, but they groan and glare whenever they kiss.

My dad is extremely homophobic and mom is a strict Christian, so both would never look at me the same. I tried to tell my mom very recently, but I couldn't get the words out.. it went something like this....

Me: *lying on bed next to her*
Mom: *after several minutes* Um...is there something you want to say or..?
Me: I dunno..

Blah blah blah. Awkward silences.

Me: (again) I dunno...
Mom: Well you're not doing anything illegal are you?
Me: No mom nothing like that..
Mom: ...Nothing extremely sinful, right?
Me: *winces, but she couldn't see my face* No mom...

Awkward silence again. I eventually get up and start leaving.
Mom: wait! You're not even going to tell me?
M
e: *shrugs* I dunno...
Mom: Well its not like you're gay right? *laughs*
Me: *smiles* Hah, no nothing like that mom. I'll be okay.
I went in my room and cried.

If you need someone to talk to, I have an open ear.

[BenIsScared]

I may not be able to help you in any way. And I'm so sorry. I just wanted to say that I completely understand!! I felt like you were talking about my family! I started crying when reading this. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm sure that you're an awesome person and you're going to do great things with your life!

[MusicMan12]

Originally Posted by Mister E

I know exactly how you feel right now. I wish I could come out to my family, but I have the sane situation as you do. My parents always laugh at gay people om TV shows in such a demeaning way. Modern Family, for example. They laugh and laugh, but they groan and glare whenever they kiss.

My dad is extremely homophobic and mom is a strict Christian, so both would never look at me the same. I tried to tell my mom very recently, but I couldn't get the words out.. it went something like this....

Me: *lying on bed next to her*
Mom: *after several minutes* Um...is there something you want to say or..?
Me: I dunno..

Blah blah blah. Awkward silences.

Me: (again) I dunno...
Mom: Well you're not doing anything illegal are you?
Me: No mom nothing like that..
Mom: ...Nothing extremely sinful, right?
Me: *winces, but she couldn't see my face* No mom...

Awkward silence again. I eventually get up and start leaving.
Mom: wait! You're not even going to tell me?
M
e: *shrugs* I dunno...
Mom: Well its not like you're gay right? *laughs*
Me: *smiles* Hah, no nothing like that mom. I'll be okay.
I went in my room and cried.

OMG that's the same with me! when me and my family watch Glee, they laugh at the characters but when they kiss they get all pissed off at the show.

But also, that REALLY sucks what your mom said...really if YOU need anyone, I'm here too.

[Drowzee64]

^Same thing with my dad... He knows I'm gay and he still gags whenever gay characters show affection for one another on TV. He also frequently comments on supposedly gay things saying "That's just wrong". :/ A few weeks ago he sat through the entire episode of American Dad where the blonde guy comes out to his father though, so I think he's getting better. He didn't even say anything when they held hands, but he still gagged when they kissed. :/

Just remember that some homophobes do come around!

[Wolfgirl90]

Originally Posted by BenKent

Your story made me tear up, and I know that exact feeling of questioning what changes will happen when you finally come out. And I know all too well the anxiety that comes with it. My father had a bad reaction to me being gay (and he found out through someone else telling him) he stopped supporting me, stopped paying for school, and now acts like i am a foreigner. But in the end, I am still me and I still have plenty of people who love me. I am sure there are tons of people in your life who love you and will continue to love you unconditionally. Your family may or may not come around to accepting you for who you are, but just remember that even it goes the worst you can imagine, at least you are being honest and being your true self.

<3333

I'm sorry to hear that your dad had a bad initial reaction to you being outed by someone.... I hope that he'll come around someday soon; I've heard most parents will eventually come around. But I empathize with how painful that must be for you.

Thank you for the encouragement you've provided with regards to the value of self-honesty, and simultaneously reminding me that I'm not alone.

Originally Posted by MammaFrog

*insert awesome supportive things, here*

Thank you, <3 I needed all of those hugs. X3....

@ MusicMan and Drowzee It's tough having to sit around the family room and watch as they react negatively to gay people on tv. I do sympathize... Sorry to hear that you're going through it too.
Drowzee, thank you for the encouragement you provided at the end, and for sharing your story too.