My mom is ultra conservative and does NOT approve of even supporting people who are homosexual. This is a rough draft letter of what I might give her. I'm considering giving it to her before thanksgiving week; because the 19th I'll be flying out to another state for a week. (Feels safer..) Please give me advice on how to improve it. [Preface Letter] Mom, The following letter is very emotional on my behalf and while I can’t predict how you’ll respond; I’m very, very certain that at the least it will be upsetting. You know me, I don’t like to stir the water, but it has to be said for reasons you’ll soon understand. I’m not sure that this is something you’d want to tell grandma and grandpa; but I need you to prepare yourself for an emotional letter. It may stir up feelings of anger, grief, hurt, and so forth. I’m not sure what’s best for you as far as an environment to read it in. But, if you knew you were going to read something with bad news… prepare yourself emotionally and geographically as you would for that scenario. …Most of all… Before you read this… Please remember I love you. Please remember that I want to do you no wrong Please understand how frightened I am And please understand that I need your love now more than ever. [Actual Letter] Mom… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to write this letter. I also can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like crying in tears of shame and guilt when you tell me you’re proud of me. I know you and I aren’t as close as I want to be, and that because of my own fears I’ve voluntarily walled myself off from you. I created this wall, because I’m afraid. I’m really afraid… because I already feel like I know how you’re going to react to what I need to tell you. Every time I drive back to [College City], I end up bawling because I feel so loved as you all let me go back here, but at the same time I’m filled with agony because I might lose the one thing that keeps me going… I’m telling you this now because I can’t bear not knowing if your love for me is actually unconditional or if it’s conditional to my doing what you think is right and wrong. For the longest time, mom, I’ve tried to make you proud by being someone I’m not. When I’m true to myself and who I am- I’ve felt society cringe around me; or maybe that’s my own paranoia. I’ve had suspicion of this about myself since I was very little… but I quickly learned that this was wrong, immoral, and ‘disgusting’ in the eyes of my family. I then, in turn, found myself labeling myself as “Disgusting”…”Ugly…”..”Worthless to society..” An Abomination…. Mom, I’m so scared. I just want you to love me still but I’m so scared you’re going to emotionally toss me away. I’ve been filled with this fear for so long that it seems real and likely. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you about my life, about me, about anything-because I don’t think I could stand it if you suddenly loved me less… I thought for the longest time, it was because of what happened to me in my early teenage years. I dismissed it, and was happy to-because I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing. I wanted nothing more than to make my parents proud of me and to be a good citizen. But, as I’ve grown into my teenage years, and now into my early twenties- I am faced with something that feels horrible… Mom, it feels horrible because I’ve been told it’s a choice, and no matter how much I try to fight it, by being someone I’m not, and trying to please society- I can’t fight against who I actually am. Everything I’ve done up until now has been because I don’t want you or anyone else in my family to look down on me. I don’t want to be the black sheep in the family, but I feel that you’re going to think so anyway. still love writing, find cows to be rather intriguing, love [Dog#1] and [Dog#2], can’t cook anything but pasta to save my life…. I still have asthma, still love being competitive in some sports…I still like the colors green, blue, and purple… I still like to do nice things for other people and to worry too much about everything… I still like pumpkin pie in July…ramen noodles, sushi, and bizarre ethnic food… I’m still that same baby girl; the one who cuddled up on the rocking chair with you and read Green Eggs and Ham one too many times, who cut my hair lopsided while you were away at camp, and who longed to hold your hand as I lay in the hospital when my lung collapsed in second grade. I’m trying to reach out to you mom now mom, because I thought it was just a phase. But it isn’t going away; and I’m not consciously choosing this; I’’ve actually been actively trying to choose against it for a long time, but it hurts me a lot. It’s the very reason I’ve needed so much counseling, why I’ve struggled with depression, and in fact…. : The reason I’ve wanted to commit suicide multiple times. Not because this makes me unhappy, but because I am so upset at not being able to be the child you wanted me to be. I’m so pained that society will view me as lesser, that my own family might reject me, and that I could be left to the streets. I’ve heard so many horror stories….I don’t want to be one….So I’m trying to reach out to you because I feel so very alone. Mom… I didn’t choose it, I promise…I didn’t choose this. I swear I wouldn’t put you through this, or myself, but mom, I’m not attracted to men. I’ve tried so much to be because I want the family to love me just as much as before. But now…I am plagued by wondering if your love is conditional, or if you will allow yourself to love me just the same as you always have. I’m not asking you to approve. I’m not asking you to be okay with it. Right now, what I need is to know you still love me and you won’t reject me emotionally, or otherwise. I don’t want to come home and feel an air of hatred; nor feel eyes on me as I try to enjoy a Sunday lunch. I want to come home for Christmas…. I want to have a home… But I’m afraid that who I am will deprive me of my own family… Please wait a little while before you respond. I’ve cried so much while trying to write this letter; handing it to you is going to probably give me a panic attack while I’m flying to ***State*** I probably won’t answer the phone if you call me, I’m too scared of your response. I hope that you can see this agony I’m in is because I love you, because I want to do the right thing and because I want you to love me too…. I love you, mom…
Hey WG, I think it's quite a nice letter! Two suggestions which you are completely welcome to ignore (I've certainly never had the courage to talk to my mother about my sexuality): First, the language is quite negative, which I understand is because you're seeing your gayness through her eyes, but I would still try to be a bit more positive. The easiest way to do that would probably be to just take out some of the sentences on how bad homosexuality is. I'm kind of joking here, but your language is so strong it sounds a tiny bit like you murdered someone or something: "I quickly learned that this was wrong, immoral, and ‘disgusting’ in the eyes of my family. I then, in turn, found myself labeling myself as “Disgusting”…”Ugly…”..”Worthless to society..” An Abomination…" My other comment is that you should probably actually say that you're gay. Just saying you don't like men is a bit ambiguous. The part you did wonderfully is to tell your mother how much you love her and need her, and how you're still the same daughter. Keep us posted! Daisy
Your letter is lovely, but I do agree that you should probably add 'Im Gay' somewhere in there just so there can be no confusion. Perhaps you could download some PFLAG stuff to give her with the letter if you think she will react badly.
I would agree with what Daisy said. Other than that, it's a very good letter. Good luck, and keep us updated with how it goes.
I've got another draft ready; it's REALLY long though... ---------- Post added 6th Nov 2011 at 01:23 AM ---------- Mom… First off, no matter what: Please don’t read ahead. Every word in this letter has been specifically chosen and carefully placed and selected because this is a very delicate matter that calls for careful syntax. It’s amazing that as someone who’s written a book effortlessly, that I find such difficulty in writing this to you: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to write this letter. My room is flooded with drafts, copies, shredded attempts, and poetry about this. But, that’s because I want to get this right. How I tell you this could make a huge difference: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like crying in tears of shame when you tell me you’re proud of me. The reason is I wonder if you would still be proud of me if you really knew me. And you don’t know me as much as I want you to, because I’ve been keeping a huge chunk of who I am apart from your knowledge. I’ve thought for a long time that you would be happier not knowing, and that by the time I was “this age” I would have “ figured it out” and been “normal” by now; that it was a phase I’d “grow out of”. Since I didn’t grow out of this, and I’m realizing how permanent it is, I need to tell you because it’s keeping us apart emotionally. I need to tell you because it’s making me grieve every time you tell me you’re proud of me. You and I aren’t as close as I want to be, and that because of my own fears I’ve voluntarily walled myself off from you. I’m really sorry if that has hurt you; it’s hurt me sometimes too. But I did this for a reason: I created this wall, because I’m afraid. I’m really afraid… I’m not afraid less now than I was in my early pre-teens, but I’m able to communicate more as a mature adult. I’m depending on that right now. Yet, I still shake in my boots: I already feel like I know how you’re going to react to what I need to tell you. And believe me; the picture is very …ugly in my head. It involves you crying, yelling at me, and emotionally disowning me for hurting you so bad and being a disgrace. Here’s to hoping that I’m being paranoid about that and that you’ll react better. I’m counting on you to react as my mother, and nothing else, because I’m coming you to as a daughter who needs you right now. I’m telling you this now because I can’t bear not knowing if your love for me is actually unconditional or if it’s conditional to my doing what you think is right and wrong. For the longest time, mom, I’ve tried to make you proud by being someone I’m not. The reason I’ve tried to be someone I’m not, behaviorally speaking, is because I don’t want you to be disappointed. I’ve been this way since I can remember… but I quickly learned that this was ‘wrong’, ‘immoral’, and ‘disgusting’ in the eyes of my family. When I heard you or anyone in the family use ugly, degrading, terms or phrases, I started believing those things about myself. For example: Someone would say “That’s disgusting.”… So in turn, I would softly sink into the couch and think: Oh…that…that means…. That means …you think I’m a disgusting, hideous, gross, stupid, an attention seeker?. … Oh… And in the same hour I’ll be hugged by a family member! I can’t help but wonder: Would you still be hugging me if you knew I was “disgusting”? I’m telling you this because I’m trying to convey my sincere pain at your rejection before you knew, and how scared I am of how bad you might react after you know. Mom, I’m really scared. I just want you to love me still but I’m so worried that you’re going to emotionally toss me away as “dead to you”. I’ve been filled with this fear for so long that it seems real and likely. That’s why I didn’t want to get close to you, so that maybe it might hurt a little less if you rejected me. But that’s futile: You’re my mom and I love you, even if I try to separate myself from loving you or fearing your rejection: I just can’t. You’re an incredibly loving, generous, always-there-for-me- kind of mom… How could I not love someone whose love for me is so clear? And yet…by loving you so, I thus fear losing something precious to me. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you about my life, about me, about anything-because I don’t think I could stand it if you suddenly loved me less. I thought for the longest time, it was because of what happened to me in my early teenage years. I dismissed it, and was happy to-because I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing. I wanted nothing more than to make my parents proud of me and to be a good citizen. But, as I’ve grown into my teenage years, and now into my early twenties- I am faced with the facts: It’s not a phase, and by making a very conscious choice to go against what feels natural to me physically and emotionally I hurt myself in the process. Believe me, trying to not be who I am, and trying to shove it down into a corner of the brain is very psychologically damaging to me. Mom, I only feel horrible because I’ve been told it’s a choice, and no matter how much I try to fight it, by being someone I’m not, and trying to please society- I can’t fight against who I actually am. Everything I’ve done up until now has been because I don’t want you or anyone else in my family to look down on me. I don’t want to be the black sheep in the family, but I feel that you’re going to think so anyway. I still love writing, find cows to be rather intriguing, adore [dog#1] and [dog#], can’t cook anything but pasta to save my life…. I still have asthma, still love being competitive in some sports…I still like the colors green, blue, and purple… I still like to do nice things for other people and to worry too much about everything… I still like pumpkin pie in July…ramen noodles, sushi, and bizarre ethnic food… I’m still that same baby girl; the one who cuddled up on the rocking chair with you and read Green Eggs and Ham one too many times, who cut my hair lopsided while you were away at camp, and who longed to hold your hand as I lay in the hospital when my lung collapsed in second grade. I’m trying to reach out to you mom now mom, because I thought it was just a phase, actually, I was counting on it. But it isn’t going away; and I’m not consciously choosing this; I’ve actually been making very conscious choices to choose against me. It’s the very reason I’ve needed so much counseling, why I’ve struggled with depression, and in fact…. : The reason I’ve wanted to commit suicide multiple times. Not because this makes me unhappy, but because I am so upset at not being able to be the child you wanted me to be. I want to repeat that: Who I am doesn’t make me unhappy, the reactions I’m apprehensive of, do. I’m so pained that society will view me as lesser, that my own family might reject me, and that I could be left to the streets. I’ve heard so many horror stories….I don’t want to be one….So I’m trying to reach out to you because I feel so very alone. I didn’t choose it, I promise…I didn’t choose this. I swear I wouldn’t put you through this, or myself, but mom, I’m not attracted to guys physically or emotionally. I’m attracted to girls, I always have been. In other words, I’m gay. I’ve tried so much to be straight because I want the family to love me just as much as before. But now…I am plagued by wondering if your love is conditional, or if you will allow yourself to love me just the same as you always have. I’m not asking you to approve. I’m not asking you to be okay with it. Right now, what I need is to know you still love me and you won’t reject me emotionally, or otherwise. I’ve been trying to come to terms with this for years; I don’t expect you to wake up tomorrow and be “happy about it” or anything close to that. I can find resources for you if you want, even from a Christian perspective. (I’ve actually looked up a lot of info about that perspective.) …. I want to have a home… I want to know that I’m still welcome home for Christmas, and that you’ll still hug me and love me just as much as you did before you read this letter. I still love you just as much as I always have; it’s just…now you know. I’ve officially torn down that wall I built by writing this letter to you. I’m sorry if you don’t like what you see on the other side of my wall…It’s a part of who I am, though, and I’d hope that as my mom you’d accept all aspects of me. I can’t change it; in fact psychological studies show that it’s VERY damaging to try to put people like me in programs to try to change… I’m afraid that who I am will make you decide to reject me in some way. Please wait a little while before you respond. I probably won’t answer the phone if you call me, I’m too scared of your response. Love you lots, [My name]
I think it's wonderful. there's a lot of great feeling and I love the climax you reach that ends here: And in the same hour I’ll be hugged by a family member! I can’t help but wonder: Would you still be hugging me if you knew I was “disgusting”? I like to keep things short, so if I were writing the letter, I would go right from here to I didn’t choose it, I promise…I didn’t choose this. I swear I wouldn’t put you through this, or myself, but mom, I’m not attracted to guys physically or emotionally. I’m attracted to girls, I always have been. In other words, I’m gay. But, it's really wonderful and brave and from this point whatever you give your mother is going to be a terrific letter. Good luck, keep us posted, and let us know if we can be helpful. You're incredibly brave. You should be proud of yourself!
Hey Wolfgirl90, Ithink the letter looks great; I reckon you're real brave for going ahead with it, I'm sure you'll feel way better once you're mum phones you because hopefully she'll have understood your situation. To improve I would have agreed with Daisy1 and silverhalo's point of writing it in there someone, but seems you've done that. I particularly like this part: 'but pasta to save my life…. I still have asthma, still love being competitive in some sports…I still like the colors green, blue, and purple… I still like to do nice things for other people and to worry too much about everything… I still like pumpkin pie in July…ramen noodles, sushi, and bizarre ethnic food…'; thats great, at least it assures your mum you're the same as you always were, nothings changed. I hope it goes well for you, good luckkkk! And yees keep us posted!
Results: She knows Unfortunately I didn't get to send my letter. My mom had come to visit my college town for the weekend. I knew this was the last time I might see her in a while, and knowing that I was going to send the letter out- I anticipated this being the last time I saw my mom look at me without 'concern' or judgement. As we were hugging goodbye, mom asked " So, you going to be okay this week?" Me: -honest- Maybe Her: Well, that's not what I need to hear... She says something like "I'll always love you no matter what" , and I replied with something that was like "I'm kind of counting on it. I hope so." Her: Is there something you need to tell me. Me: -blank face- Her: Well, yer not pregnant, are ya? Me: no mom. Her: oh okay. I couldn't really handle two grandkids right now anyway. (My sister and her husband just found out they're going to have a baby) So I break away from her, in tears. I tell her I'll talk to her later , and that I love her. I run back upstairs to my apartment to grab my things for class and I get a text. "So do u think your gay.Found the videos this summer." I had a video called "Through My Eyes" about christianity and homosexuality. I was stunned and didn't reply. I quickly locked the door and began to walk to the bus stop about 10 minutes away. My phone goes off again. "Did u get my text message?" I didn't reply. I could see my mom's car from the top of the hill, it was just sitting there. She wasn't moving. She called. Three times. I finally called back. Her: Did you get my message? Me: Yeah. Her: -cautious, tense tone- Is that what's been tearing you up? Me: ..-silence- I was silent for a whole minute before I stumbled out, " ....I-I'm scared." Her: -sigh- Well, I know. But you need to talk about it. It's not like you're seeing someone or anything. Me: No, and I haven't before, mom. Her: -sigh, again- Look. You've been confused by your dad and mine's divorce and whatever else. - She goes on this rant of things, and excuses, etc,...never acknowledging that I'm in fact gay. I told her I had to go, (bus) and ended the conversation. I was upset all through class and I get a text from my dad. (I had let him know that mom found out) Dad : Your mom called and we talked for a while. I'm convinced that she loves you and wants your joy and peace of mind... Mom sent me a text. It said that she still loved me and that I was still her 'baby girl'.(Older sister, ya know..) Dad later said that he told my mom, that my mom needed to reassure me FIRST of her love for me. Him: Your mother and I are on the same page with this. We are mostly concerned about your spirituality first. Then your emotional well being, and finally your joy. Your mom is on the same page as I am with this. So...I texted my mom back, after saying a thanks for the reassurance of love. I said : I'm not sure I'm ready for grandma and grandpa to know.... She didn't respond to that. She only told me when she arrived home. So much has happened today....oi... And I have no idea if my grandparents know or not.
Aww thats tough that it didnt happen how you planned it. Perhaps you could still send her the letter with a covering letter explaining that you were planning to send her this letter this week anyway and how you had been writing it for ages, or perhaps if it is easier for you, you could send a revised letter with some PFLAG information. Try and keep your chin up at least they know now and they still love you, it will get better. (*hug*)
