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Came out to husband after over 20 years marriage.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Ellfan, Nov 6, 2011.

  1. Ellfan

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    Hi all

    I recently had somewhat of a lesbian epiphany after over 20 years of being married to man that I love. We are both middle-aged.

    Some background to put you in the picture.
    I remember when I was 14 having a crush on a girl at school but didn't really know what it was at the time. I later remember having a crush on a friend when I was 18. At that time I was church-goer and attended a regular meeting for teenage girls. The leader gave us a leaflet that said it was ok if you had a crush on your female friend as this will turn into the love for a man when you meet the right man. I believed this and felt better about the crush.

    I dated men after this but did not see what the fuss was about – my female friends always got excited talking about men but I couldn’t see why. I later met a man who seemed genuine and who had the same interests as me and I loved him (although at the time I did not recognise that it was much more a friendship kind of love than a romantic love). I thought that because I loved him I was straight. I still continued to be drawn and attracted to women over the course of our marriage and now see that I was in utter torment in denying it to myself. I often put it down to having a 'gay side' which was a distortion of the truth. Also my husband and myself have been friends much more than lovers over the last 25 years. We had two children in the mid 90s and I later put the lack of desire down to having had children. I have always been an activist for LGBT rights and always defended them. I seemed to have always been drawn to lesbians (before I knew they were lesbians) but again denied this to myself and distorted it. It has just been an endless log of denial and distortion.

    Self-realisation and Coming outI recently saw a clip of an interview with the Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas and Ellen Degeneres. I totally identified with him because he was married and loved his wife but said he was also gay. After seeing this interview, I could not deny it to myself any longer. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I can only describe it as an epiphany (the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something - Wikipedia). I was at home alone and sat and cried for a long time. What would my husband think of me? I could not bear it. I did not want to live: I did not want to experience this pain. I was screaming inside. But I had to live because i had kids we both loved. I would never do that to my kids so I had to live.

    After much anxiety (understatement) and tying myself in knots, I eventually plucked up the courage and I told my husband I thought I was gay. I approached the subject by saying that I wanted to break the ice about the lack of romance in our lives. By this time I was in floods of tears and fretting because I knew what I was about to tell him. He said he thought the lack of romance was his fault and I said that I just felt I could not be romantic and that it may be me. Then I said I told him I needed to say something and in floods of tears and fretting, I told him I thought I was gay. Whilst fretting and crying I told him I had denied it and distorted it over the years and told him about the crushes on girls etc and how I had thought that by marrying him would make it go away. He was so understanding and said that he did not mind the thought of me in a relationship with a woman. He said he was glad I had told him and seemed to really understand the fact that I had had to bury it in myself. All the while we both cried and cried. I told him that I had been hiding it from myself and kidding myself for years and that it had be torturing me and that it had been sheer torment finding elaborate ways to kid myself. More tears followed. Then as we both processed what had been said my husband said that he now felt sad and was worried for the future. I told him I loved him and that I would always support him. He said the thought of me not living with him was scary but at the same time he did not want me to deny myself especially as I had carried it around for years in denial. I told him that I did not want to hurt him. He said he would be willing to live in celibacy if I would stay. I said that I could not promise that and told him how I utterly craved to love the right woman and craved to express myself. Again he seemed understanding and he said that he realised that asking me to promise to never leave him would be selfish of him and that he could not bear to see me suffer. Again this was all said in floods of tears from both of us.
    He said he wished he had immediate answers and although he wants me to always stay with him that he realises this could be asking too much if I did meet somebody.

    What Jim1454 said to me (in a private message) was absolutely right when he said "Remember that for us, there is both relief and sadness. But for our partners, it's usually just the sadness. There's no upside for them. They haven't been carrying around a secret for years. They haven't been tormented by their emotions. They don't have something to look forward to. For them this experience is much more one sided, which is important to remember and be sensitive to."

    I have been sensitive to my husband and we talked into the night that night. We have both decided to get help for both of us. He has agreed I should get help for me and I am going to go to a local Lesbian and Gay Foundation (LGF). We have also agreed that we are going to find support for him. We have promised to support each other whatever the future holds and to take one step at a time and to accept we can't have immediate answers. We came to the conclusion that this is painful for both of us but we are going to work through it and take it one step at a time.

    The day before I told him the above, I could not have believed all of the above would happen. I could not have hoped for such understanding from my husband. I honestly though he might be disgusted with me and totally reject me - how wrong I was and how I so underestimated him.
    I feel like 90 tons has been lifted off my shoulders even though there is another kind of pain now (but which is bearable).
    Although it’s painful, and there may be more pain ahead, I now have hope; we both have hope.

    Can't write anymore today but will be in touch.

    E
     
    #1 Ellfan, Nov 6, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2011
  2. Eleanor Rigby

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    (*hug*) hold on sweetheart ! What you're going through is very tough, but it's going to get better. It is already going better.
    (*hug*) Take care and let us know how you're doing
     
  3. seeksanctuary

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    You are very brave. Congrats on getting the courage to do this.

    And there is some relief for your husband... he now knows it's not his fault (it's not anyone's fault really), and that rather than him being a bad husband, the situation is just an unfortunate one.

    Now that the secret is out between you two, you can both communicate and start to heal. You both can figure out what you want and need, how to go about this and you both can eventually have the lives you need and deserve. This is a good thing, even if it's difficult and hurts right now. Hang in there, both of you, and hold onto the love you have for each other. Even if you're not "in love", you can love each other; use that to do what is best for both of you and your children.

    Take care, and keep your chin up. You're doing the right thing.
     
  4. Gerry

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    Wow that was very brave of you. You have a lot of courage, not everyone can do what you did. Hold in there, it gets better. If you ever need to talk privately, feel free to PM me or any staff member. Take care. :slight_smile:
     
  5. bwhopper

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    I have to say it sounds familiar, only I am a man. Amazing the common thread of the feelings that are always there and never go away.
     
  6. Lexington

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    Totally stoked that everything is going as well as it should. Best of luck as you move forward. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Congratulations on taking these first, most difficult steps.

    Your husband is awesome, and it's obvious that you both really care about each other.

    It really is better for him too, if you both move on. He's offering to live a life of celibacy, but surely you realize, that would be a sacrifice and a compromise for him. If he moves on, he'll be able to find a woman who can love him with all the passion he clearly deserves. Right now, he's in love with you, so he can't see that he'll be better off in a relationship with someone who can really reciprocate his feelings--but he will be.
     
  8. Ellfan

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    Thank you, thank you to all of you above. Things still going not too bad - there is still pain and there has been some tears over the weekend but we are talking and not arguing. K (my husband) had been talking about how it might work out and he said that he really could not see me wanting to stay even though it's what he wanted. I asked him whether he really wanted to live a life in celibacy for the rest of his life when there could be a better option. Ianthe, what you said is so right, if he moves on he will be able to find somebody. I told him that he was still an eligible man and that it could work out. He did begin to think about it but found it hard to imagine. I said to him that he may not imagine it now but that he may feel differently as time goes on. I think he is beginning to come round very slowly - these things cannot be rushed. We still have not told our children yet (one lives away at university and one lives at home). One day at a time though.

    Thanks to all of you
    E
     
  9. Hippiemom

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    Hi there
    Last year after 16 yrs of marriage I also told my husband. We have had a difficult marriage, married for religious reasons. My story is uncannily similar to yours. He has been great with my bisexuality, said it was not a surprise to him at all. The sticky part for me is our kids, early and middle teens. The older one I suspect would not have a problem with it, but the younger one definitely would.

    I have told a number of close friends, but am not ready to share this with my sibs or parents. Indeed, I don't feel a need to do so at all. Husband is happy to have me remain in this marriage, and since I am bi it's fine with me, too. However, I do think it very likely that one day once the kids are grown (or perhaps just once they know?) I will feel free to leave and simply be with a woman full time. It is tricky doing the "open marriage" thing, because sometimes you fall for the other person, making it very hard all around.

    Feel free to pm me. Thanks for posting, it was good read of someone in similar circumstances. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey.
     
  10. Ellfan

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    Thanks Hippiemom
    Good to hear from you. I am both relieved and saddened that we have had very similar journeys. We are certainly not the only women realizing their gay or bi sexuality 'later' in life. Have you read 'Lesbian Epiphanies' by Karol L Jensen? Very good book with gay and bi women realising they were gay or bi after marriage and kids.
    Good luck to you
    I just need financial independence (a job) and then I will find a new life but hopefully I will still have a good relationship with my kids.
    This is what somebody told me about coming out to kids

    'When I came out to my kids two years ago, I sat them (12 and 14 at the time) down and explained my story. I told them a little about my journey and how things were when I grew up. How life was not as open as it is now. I also explained that I wanted them to feel secure to live life as they saw fit.

    I explained that like divorce is the death of a marriage, sometimes information is the death of what was perceived of a person. I told my kids I was the same person that they knew only now they knew information about me that I only kept to myself.

    I assured them that I would never embarrass them and that I wanted them to know me as a person so I was sharing with them that I am a lesbian. I added that while they may be shocked I still expected to be treated with respect and would offer the same to them.

    I offered counseling if they wanted to talk to someone outside the family. I also did a pulse check with them each week just to make sure they were okay.

    The one thing I made sure they knew is that my love for them will never change and that they can still count on me as much as before. I assured them that change happens all the time and in the scale of horrific things that could happen in life, this was a pretty minor issue.

    I finished with something I have told my kids since they were little. I always tell them, "I gave you life so you could have a life. Live your life on your terms." And I could not in good conscience tell them that if I was not living my truth'.


    Hope this helps
    E
     
    321Liftoff likes this.
  11. Blkrsn

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    You are one brave, and incredible woman.

    I praise you for having the courage to do that.

    I really hope you all the best,

    With you (ex)husband, with your kids, with coming out and finding your place, with finding a wonderful woman, and with your life.

    Good luck, and keep your chin up!
     
  12. Emergelove

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    Wow. Thank you for your post.
     
  13. Jonathan2064

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    I came out to my wife as bisexual within the last two months. The most difficult thing for me was my worry that she'd feel threatened by this whole thing and want to leave me. Fortunately, she wasn't threatened at all and said she wasn't surprised...she has "always known". That was odd, because I haven't always known. I assumed my same sex experiences when I was young were just youthful experimentation. But it wasn't a phase...I am bisexual.

    The thing is, my wife and I have a great sex life, a great love life, a superb friendship and I love her very much. She loves me too. We have no intention of leaving each other. It's just that I also have an attraction to men. And she is okay with that. But thanks for your story! It makes me realize I am not alone in this.
     
  14. Snowflake

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    Thank you so much for your story. It sounds so familiar, and strange at the same time. Your husband sounds like a gem. Cherish him for that. Not all of us were so lucky.
    The journey is hard, but so worth it. You are brave and strong. Congratulations on making this first step.(*hug*)
     
  15. Cymbrii

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    Wow, that sounds hard. But it's also great that it sounds like you two are both taking the right steps forward to deal with this in the best way possible. Best of luck to you and I hope you and your husband both end up happy.
     
  16. Ellfan

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    Oh wow thank you to Blkrsn for saying I am a brave incredible woman - that means so much you said that. And yes I think I will find the right woman - she is out there somewhere. Oh and please tell me what a Brony is and what Anime cartoons are?
    Emerglove, love your Einstein quote.
    Jonathon, great that it's all working for you with your wife - she sounds amazing!
    Snowflake - yes it is an all too familiar story.
    Cymbrii thank you - yes we are taking the right steps but it is difficult seeing somebody hurting because of something that I have realised about myself.

    Anyway, one day at a time.

    E
     
  17. Tracker57

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    Wow! Thanks for your story. I'm a married man who is going through exactly what you went through...only I haven't come out to her yet. I'm waiting for the right time. I am seeing a psychologist who's helping me through this really strange time. I love my wife--she's been my best friend since college. But, the sexual attraction really hasn't been there and I've been lying to myself and blaming her for all my lack of interest.
    I'm not sure what will happen with us, but your story makes me feel less fearful. I'm still fearful! But just a little less!
    Tracker