This is my story, I hope it helps someone

This is my story, and if it helps even one person, it was worth it.

I've had gay thoughts ever since puberty hit. A glance at a guy here, a though about kissing said guy there. Throughout middle school, I lived this secret inner life. It was a life that I didn't even dare admit to myself. The thoughts I had were like water, flowing around me and through me, yet never being picked up and examined. I told myself that I was not gay, I liked girls. I was a guy's guy, and nobody ever questions my sexuality because of my straight looks and acts. Picking up on queues from society, I hid that part of myself, believing it to be wrong and knowing that to expose that part of myself would be tantamount to suicide. There was no emotional damage at this young age, only pure denial. I dated a girl in 8th grade, and to my belief I liked her quite a bit. However, when we made out the first time, it was nothing special. It was a bland acceptance, an acknowledgment that I was making out with a girl. There were no feelings behind the actions, though I did get aroused. That was the only date I went on with this girl though. After that night, she told me she wanted me to grab her boobs, which terrified me at the time and I had no interest in doing. Soon after we broke up because she was too needy. More solidification of my “straight side”.

I began reading male romance stories on the internet at 13, being aroused and enticed by how sensual it all seemed. It was my dirty little secret, a compartmentalized piece of myself that was put away quietly each and every night. However, my denial ran deep, and it ran strong. I spent the next two years ignoring a fundamental part of myself, and continued on as though nothing was different. About myself, or the way I was acting. And acting I was. I forced myself to watch girls, to fantasize about them. It didn't help that I was turned on by these thoughts, which made it so much easier to keep up the personal deception. To me, my thoughts and reactions to women were normal. I need not question anything, I was a straight guy who liked to read gay romance(seriously, on a daily basis. I was so oblivious), and nothing more.

My second girlfriend came along, and helped me continue the deceit. We made out continuously, followed by heavy petting sessions. Eventually, I went down town on her. It was not something I enjoyed, however I did enjoy making her feel good. More fuel for the denial-fire. Eventually it progressed to sex, though only once. There was no thrill, no feeling of joy involved when I lost my virginity at the tender age of 15. We dated for a while longer before we broke up. I don't even remember what for. The only highlight in that relationship what really stuck with me(besides the cheating on me and the unsatisfactory sex), was her gay friend. His name was Tyler, and through her I learned he thought I was cute. When she left the table at lunch one day, he was sitting on the other side of her. My heart raced, and my palms spouted sweat like a couple of sprinklers. I could not get the though of kissing this boy out of my mind. The idea of doing “things” with him were some of the most exciting thoughts I had ever had. However, I was far too scared of being thought of as gay to even talk to him, as he was openly gay . I was sitting with my legs open facing him on the bench, but my upper body was turned forward. My girlfriend later told me he though I was signaling him. Oh how I wish I was, even though I vehemently denied it. Even with this incident in my mind, I was still straight, and I never really questioned it. It was just the stereotypical phase.

Fast forward a year, with nothing really changing, and I met the women who would become my wife, and the mother of my son. We met at my friends house, and it was an instant connection. We talked for hours in the back of my truck after everyone else went to bed. We started dating after a few weeks of great friendship, and I was thrilled. My sexuality was the farthest thing from my mind. We became serious soon after, and I proposed to her. We waited until I graduated before we did get married though(she was 18, me 16). The sex was pretty good, and somewhat exciting in the way that sex always is when you can get caught by parents at any moment. Which we did, twice. I still never had the feelings of fireworks, of joy though that I believe straight people go through. I didn't realize these things at this time though. A lot of this analysis is done in retrospect. At this point, I must point out that I had a very effed up family life up until now, so I was not in a place to recognize and deal with my emotions in a healthy way. She was my best friend in the world, and I could be myself(mostly) with her. It made it so easy to continue with the straight life.

The summer after I turned 18, we got married in a garden full of roses and other various flowers. I have to say, it was one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever seen. I had my objections, and my doubts however. I wanted to wait, as it didn't feel quite right. But that was what you are supposed to do, right? You find a girl, you get married, and you have a kid. I told myself that this was what was supposed to happen, that I was doing the right thing. After our wedding, life was good. I tried and failed a couple semesters of college, and got a job. We tried having a kid for about 8 months, even though that didn't feel quite right either. I wanted to wait, but as with the marriage, it was what you did. To this day, I will never regret that decision. My son is my life, and I love him more than I thought I could ever love another living thing. The day he was born was both the most beautiful and terrifying day of my life.

Interestingly, it was a celebrity by the same name as me that made me start to really face myself. Clay Aiken had just had a son himself, and it brought the realization that he couldn't hide himself, couldn't live a lie and be the kind of person he wanted to be for his child. His coming out(which was a couple years before I had my kid) influenced my thought process, and really struck home when I had my son. I knew I couldn't lie to myself, ignore myself any longer and hope to be the kind of person my son would look up to one day. However, I was still in denial. I was desperate to cling to normalcy, to a life that wouldn't lead to even more hardship. I finally acknowledged my feelings, and came to the conclusion I was bisexual, however misguided that revelation was.

My feelings for men at this point were something I could no longer deny. They became stronger by the day, and even though I considered myself bi, I still felt as though I had to experience my gay side, that staying exclusively with my wife would make me unhappy. And it was too. It tore me apart to hide this part of myself from her, and it slowly ate away at me for a couple of months(that sounds ridiculously short for people who have been in the closet for years). I told myself one day that if she asked, I would tell her I was bi. I must have started saying things that gave it away, because the next day, she asked me if I was bisexual. I paused for a brief second, took a deep breath, and told her yes. She was shocked, but not surprised. She knew me more than anyone after all.

I could tell she was shaken up, but for the most part we were okay. I felt a small relief, like a small part of the the weight had been lifted. However, that complete feeling of relief that I had read about didn't happen. I still felt like I was trapped. I tried to get behind my bisexuality all the way, but something was still wrong. It started becoming obvious to me that our sex life was off. I wasn't into it as a husband should be. I was never satisfied in our relationship, I never felt like I was myself, that I was safe and secure, and loved for who I was. I still felt like I was hiding. I struggled so hard against my feelings, my thoughts. I wanted so much to be straight, to be normal, to be able to live a normal and happy life with my family. I was the caged animal that beat futilely against the bars, trying to be free. The conflicting feelings were tearing me apart, and it was affecting every waking hour. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her and tearing apart my family. I really started to hate myself at this point.

It was in this time of extreme hardship that I stumbled(literally, stumpleuponed) a therapist who dealt with LGBT issues. I emailed her, asking if she would talk to me via email for a little bit and help me with my sexuality. I still don't know what it was, but something compelled her to take me on as a client, free of charge. It was probably the greatest blessing in my life at that time. I don't use that word lightly either, being an atheist. After talking to her, she forced me to really look at myself and my feelings in a way that is special to therapists. I started to really think about things, about my life and my feelings. After a few sessions, a month or so, I came to the realization that I was gay. Admitting that to myself was the greatest feeling of relief I had ever felt. However, there was still some weight left. I was still conflicted, still hurting at the thought of breaking up my family, of hurting the woman I loved most. I still went back and forth, trying to tell myself that no, I was really bisexual and would be able to stay with my wife. One day I was gay and sure, the next bisexual and unhappy.

A few days later, I decided I would come out as gay to everyone. I wanted to wait for a couple weeks, as my wife's and dad's birthday was just a few days away. I had to tell someone though. I was so scared, but I knew it was something that needed to be done. I came out to my mother, and it felt so great just saying it out loud. At first, she thought I was kidding. However, after I assured her I was serious, she was completely accepting. The very next day, I messaged one of my highschool friends who had just came out of facebook. I had told him I was gay, and asked a couple of questions about it. I was stupid and got up mid movie to check facebook, with my wife sitting there. I saw he messaged me, and when she asked I told her it was So and so, and that I would check the message later. She actually had dated So and So, and knew he had just came out. When I went to take a shower after the move(which I always do when I need to think), she logged on to my account and checked the message. He messaged me back, and told me he would never out me for any reason. Ironically, that is how my wife found out. I felt terrible that I hurt her so much. Soon after that I told my dad, and while he said he didn't understand, he was still mostly supportive.

I was finally free. The weight was gone, and I was glad she knew. I no longer had to hide, I no longer had to deny myself. She came back, and we had the longest discussion. I still wanted to be with her, at least I thought so. We decided to try an open relationship to keep our marriage together, because we loved each other. I was happy that I got to keep my family, and still explore my gay side. I was going to wait until we moved down to school in a different town, in about six months. However, I still felt something was off. I wanted a relationship with a man, not just meaningless sex. I wanted to be held and loved my another man, not just meet up once a week for some fun. I felt like I had taken a step back into the closet. A couple months later, after seeing what the open relationship was doing to her, I told her I wouldn't do it. I started to deny myself and told myself I was bisexual again. Another step back into the closet.

Life resumed, with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach near constant. I couldn't get the relationship with a man out of my mind, and it felt like I was denying who I was again. Our relationship began to decline, and she started treating me terribly. She was scared and angry, and it reflected in how she interacted with me. This only served to deepen the sinking feeling. The final straw was a post I put on craigslist looking for sex in the M4M section. I had no plans to go through with it, as I abhor cheating. However, I was curious to see if there was any options for a guy like me(bear) in the gay community where I lived. I live in a very conservative redneck town, and I just wanted to test the waters. However, I was a little too descriptive in my post, as a couple of her friends who troll craigslist looking at all the posts knew it was me. They immediately told her, and she confronted me. I couldn't lie to her, and that was the snapping point. She packed up and left to live with her parents(only five minutes away), and told me we were done until I figured out if I wanted her or another man. Since that point, only a couple months ago, we have become great friends again, and we are divorcing. We are doing it very amicably, with no trouble and agreements about everything. I get my son four days of the week, and I get to be true to myself. I feel as though I have a second chance at life, a chance to be who I really am. It is the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced, and even though my once full house is lonely now, I am happier than I have been in my entire life.
I leave for college in two months, and I plan to live as an out gay man. I am going to start over, and become the person I have always wanted to be, and love the people that I have always wanted to love. I am ready to lead a life that is reflective of who I am, and I have never been happier.

I hope that by sharing my story, it helps someone see that things can turn out all right, that you can be happy in the end. It might not be easy right now where you are, but it get's better. So much better. There might be pain for you or others in your immediate future because of your sexuality, but that pain will be more than made up for by the joy and happiness you will find by being true to yourself. After all, you owe it to yourself to be happy, and life is far too short for anything else.

 

Thank you for your words. I hope things keep getting better too. I sure hope so, I'm working as hard as I can in that direction.

 

Thank you stilllovelyafte. This right here made everything worth it. Seriously, just being able to help you out a little bit has made my day. That is why I wrote this. I hope you find the path that makes you happy. I am here to talk to you if you would like. PM me if you have any questions.

 

Thank you Branconegro

 

Thank you for John, I appreciate you sharing your story. I am sorry that you have lived this long in denial, and I hope things get better for you. My only piece of advice is this, life is too short. You already agree with me. You sound like you are at an age that you have already spent a while in the closet(though you are partially out, kudos to you). You deserve to be happy, you deserve the same chance that everyone else has to find a significant other, and to be happy with who you are. Coming out of the closet can be a terrifying experience, but the relief of no longer having to hide who you are is the greatest feeling I have ever experienced(I do have yet to have sex with a guy though, so take that with some saltiness). You owe it to yourself to spend the rest of your life being who you are, and loving yourself for it. You will find the courage, and you will be even that much happier for it. I wish you the all the happiness you can find. Take care John.

 

Much happier now. Next up, gay relationships!

 

I agree one the one. I plan to date a little, but even though I am recently gay, I'm not going to be a club and hookup kind of guy. I'm still a hopeless romantic, and I am always searching for the one. Good luck there too, it can take a while.

 

Thank you yennydiez. It is hard coming out, and should only be done if you are ready(ready-ish. If you wait until you are really ready, you might never come out). I wish you luck and happiness with your coming out.