Shine a little hope

Well I guess its as it says, just here to give a little hope. Thought I might share my story and maybe someone will find some help in it.

So I think I should start from the beginning. I personally realized that I was gay in the 7th grade. When I saw a guy I would be to afraid to speak to them because they would make me nervous, so I would hang out with all girls all them time. When girls would start talking about guys I would agree in silence because I knew I shouldn't like guys.... so thought. As this went on through high school I became very resilient to the idea that I could be this that my parents would say was wrong. I was very close to both my parents so my thoughts were to not hurt them so I decided to hide it, which caused more bad than good.

By me forcing myself to act like something I was not I hurt many people along with myself all to just keep my parents happy. Girls began to fall for me and to prove to people I was "straight" I would sleep with them... big bad idea. Many of them would become attached to me and expect more out of me than I was willing to give but how does someone say that they aren't really looking for anything with that person because you are not attracted to them...after you sleep with them. Kind of made me a low life. I was so low and so desperate to cover up my feelings for men to my parents I staged getting caught with a girl in bed when my parents came home. This really through my parents off on even thinking I was gay (which made it even harder when I do decide to tell them). Then come my senior year in high school it was kinda hard to keep up the lies, due to me hiding I broke many hearts and began a bad habit of cutting myself to make myself feel calm. This was my breaking point people began to think of me as a horrible person because of what I had done with people to cover up myself. As my senior year passed it was becoming obvious that I had something troubling on my mind constantly. I was always depressed, being the son of avid Christian parents I sure wasn't willing to tell them why I was always sad. They began questioning but never came across the idea of "gay". Well finally I just had to tell someone just one person before my senior year was up just so I could have some relief from all the weight I had on my shoulders.... SO I decided to tell my best friend, she was very surprised but very comforting and very dedicated to keeping my secret.

Well I kept that between the two of us no one else knew and we became even closer.... and then I was left alone again after 8 months of having someone to talk to she was killed in a car crash. So being left alone my first real semester of college was coming to a close and again I was alone with who I was. I began to think maybe I shouldn't have to hide this anymore. (there is a bit I am leaving out between about a month due to events which don't need to be discuss besides saying that during that time I didn't know which direction to turn so I turned to sex....) Well come Dec of last year I came to find a few help sites to give me advice on how to deal with coming out.... not that I was ready to but I thought I was tired of being alone and just needed to talk to people who understood me.

As I did this.... the day of Christmas came..... this was a great day because I was smiling again for once I felt confident that I was fine with who I was but still not out. Well that night turned sour. I was called by a friend who was wanting to learn to play the violin which I was teaching him but he was going out of town the next few following weeks and wanted to squeeze in a lesson that night and the following day. Well that was fine with me so I decided to say yes, so I just stayed the night so I wouldn't waste gas. Well while I was gone my brother needed to check his email on a computer and me being the only one with a laptop and my father on the desk top he asks for my password. Well this was never an issue before until now. Well I return home the next day around 2 in the afternoon to my parents were standing in the hall waiting for me. On Dec 26, 2010 my parents sat me down and demanded answers for the gay support group websites on my computer. Turns out on my brother who was going to check his email found that my email had not been logged out and say the word gay gay gay gay going down the listing.... So he showed my parents. Well long argument short I gave my family the truth that I was gay and then the actions that followed involved me being thrown out in the snowy night to walk and find a place to sleep. Well that was awful being shown that within 2 seconds I was out of the house and no where to go. Well two days later I get a phone call asking me to come back they wanted to talk at first I didn't want to but knew I needed to so I went. We talked things got offensive but I kept my mouth shut. They let me stay.... for a while at least. Then after 2 months of their slander on how I was I got tired of it and decided to leave. As the distance caused some tension on what they thought I was doing... and it caused more arguing.

Well after about 3 months out the house things started looking up because they had better attitudes about my sexuality. But things started getting heated when it hit time for pride I had planned to go like most just to finally experienced it. Well after that was over it came time for classes to start back as of this August. Well now its Nov and things have been looking up me and my mother are getting better she even knows I have a boyfriend, and as for me and my dad well we have a relationship where we just don't talk about it.... As they say out of sight out of mind so I have the agreement not to bring it around them and things are kind of returning back to normal. Well as normal as they can be. My family was definitely not accepting at all from abuse to the ridicule. The hate you feel it will definitely not disappear but it will definitely lighten it up when you feel comfortable with yourself and show your not ashamed then people will back off because they know they can't get to you. I can honestly say that I thought it would never get better, I even considered suicide almost succeeded on multiple occasions. I do have to say though I can say with full confidence that IT DOES GET BETTER. I know it may not be much but I hope it helps a bit to hear another story. If anyone wants more detail or has questions just message me or comment. Much love! Hope you all can smile.(*hug*)