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Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Mister E, Nov 14, 2011.

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  1. Mister E

    Mister E
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    I told her. She didn't get upset or anything, but she wad clearly affected. "How do you know?" "Are there any guys that are making you think this?" "Who convinced you that you are?" Plus, it sounds like I won't be able to have friends over for a while.. I'm thinking I should just tell her that I didn't want to do my homework so I came up with this. Or some kind of lie like that. I don't know what to do. I was hoping she'd react a lot different. ..

    I'm really worried. What if she decides I can't have guy friends over ever again? And no female friends cuz she still thinks it is wrong? And how can she trust me to go to another guys house? I can feel my social life ripping apart already. :cry:
     
    #1 Mister E, Nov 14, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2011
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    She's not going to ground you until you're 25, or even until you're 16 :slight_smile:

    If you've read any of my posts where i talk about the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance)... right now she's processing her loss of her perception of you as a straight person, and so she's basically denying you're actually gay, which comes out as "Oh, these awful people he's hanging out have turned him into a flaming fairy."

    Give it a few days. Give her a little time, and my guess is she'll approach you. You might download some flyers from PFLAG and print them out for her to read.

    And keep us up to date here. She'll come around and it will be ok, just may take a few days.
     
    #2 Chip, Nov 14, 2011
  3. Ianthe

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    Maybe give her a few days, and then talk to her again. Remind her that gay kids often have kind of a rough time, and it's really important that you not end up feeling isolated.

    Also remind her that your friends aren't gay.

    Maybe see if she could let you have two people over at once, so that it wouldn't be like you were all alone with someone.
     
    #3 Ianthe, Nov 15, 2011
  4. MommaFrog

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    **hugs** so she basically went with the "phase" answer...

    the PFLAG pamplet for parents is amazing, i've read it. and I intend to print it out for my family at some point...

    Please don't give up and please dont tell her you were "just kidding!" you will deeply regret it later
     
    #4 MommaFrog, Nov 15, 2011
  5. Mister E

    Mister E
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    Okay, so she pulled me aside this morning before I went to school. By the way, another thing is that I'm an only child. I have a bad memory with conversations, but here are some things I can remember her saying:

    "Do you know what guys....do?" I lied and said I didn't really think about it.

    "I think we should pray about it."

    "I never really expected this."

    "You don't even need to be thinking about this stuff anyway, boy or girl." She was always supportibwith my girlfriend problems and was for me dating.

    "There are a lot of troubles that come with this." Bullying, family issues, etc.

    I don't think I really made it clear that I didn't think it was bad. And when I told her that I had a forum, she said that I shouldn't rely on that because it was biased. "I don't think you should use the internet because you're getting information from people that thinks it is okay."

    I really want to tell her that it's a phase and I'll get over it. I'm pretty sure she won't really let me hang out with my gay friend anymore. Especially not let him spend the night. I'm not really sure what to do from here. On one hand, I want to makebit clear that I am and it's perfectly alright. But on the other, I want to tell hee it was just stress from school, the break up with NY girlfriend, and being tired that made me think it. It's not that I'll be grounded, but I don't think she will let me do much in the relationship department if I'm gay, nor let me spend time with my gay friend.

    ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2011 at 08:18 AM ----------
    If I tell her it is a phase, I might get to have a normal childhood. And I could still date guys kinda. It just would be a secret. If I tell her I'm serious, it will be far from normal and i won't stand a chance to date or have any kind of relationship... including just friends possibly.
     
    #5 Mister E, Nov 15, 2011
  6. Nykoru

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    If you tell her it is just a phase, when you do try to come out permanently later, the chance of a negative reaction (particularly disbelief - "you did say it was just a phase" and anger at the lie) goes way up. Since it's out there, I'd recommend just letting things settle for a while. Don't bring it up, but don't back down. Besides, how normal will your childhood be if you have to constantly sneak around behind your mother's back just to have friends? Give it time. She might just try to forget it, in which case you haven't lied and she (should she go the route of "this never happened") may even try to ignore things so thoroughly that she won't prohibit your friend/s from coming over. Just don't shove it in her face, should it go that route.
     
    #6 Nykoru, Nov 15, 2011
  7. MommaFrog

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    Yes, this!!!
     
    #7 MommaFrog, Nov 15, 2011
  8. Chip

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    It sounds like she's processing it now. She's moved a bit from "it's a phase" (which is denial) to "You know what guys do? / "Look at all the terrible things that will happen to you" / "I never expected this" (anger).

    Give it a little bit of time. She's actually progressing in coming to acceptance. Telling her it was a phase or you were tired or whatever is a really terrible idea for all the reasons nykoru said... it might be easier in this moment, but it will really suck when you want to have a relationship and/or talk about what's bothering you later on.

    I know it sucks right now but that will change soon, and she's actually coming to terms with it faster than I would have expected.
     
    #8 Chip, Nov 15, 2011
  9. Mister E

    Mister E
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    I haven't talked to her more, but earlier she mentioned talking to a therapist or something. Not much to update yet. I really appreciate everyone's input.
     
    #9 Mister E, Nov 15, 2011
  10. Chip

    Chip
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    Seeing a therapist is a great idea *provided* that she doesn't insist on a Christian therapist. Any reputable therapist (other than the Christian ones, who are going directly against APA recommendations on the topic) is going to tell you (and your mom) that there's nothing wrong with being gay... and that will help her on the road to acceptance.
     
    #10 Chip, Nov 15, 2011
  11. Mister E

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) <3 that made me feel so much better.

    Although, she brought it up again. She clearly doesn't want outside influence. She told me not to go to any websites that encourage this. But, I have internet on my phone so...

    How do I reply to her questions? This isnt as hard as I thought, but she asks awkward questions. I guess I just need some support and advice for this whole thing...
     
    #11 Mister E, Nov 15, 2011
  12. Chip

    Chip
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    What kind of q's is she asking? If you can give specifics (or at least a direction as to subject matter) that will help with coming up with responses.

    The fact that she's engaging you and asking a bunch of questions is good. She's thinking about it rather than simply denying it, which is good.
     
    #12 Chip, Nov 15, 2011
  13. Ianthe

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    If she tries to take you to a "therapist" that with help you "turn straight," you should get her some information about what happens to people who try that. We can help you find that information, if necessary. (It's really bad. Given all the information, I can't believe she would do this to you. It sounds like she cares about it a lot.)

    Hopefully, though, your mother will be reasonable enough to take you to a reputable psychologist or therapist. If so, then, like Chip says, the therapist will explain to your mother that there is ample scientific evidence that nothing can possibly be done to change your sexual orientation--it was fixed before age three, and probably before birth.

    A reputable mental health professional may also have a few choice things to say about the high suicide rate among gay people whose parents won't accept their sexuality.

    Honestly, if gay people could just stop being gay, people would do that rather than kill themselves.

    Incidentally, gay people don't perform any sexual acts that straight people don't. None, I swear. If your mom asks you again about gay sex, you can say "Gay people do all the same things straight people do in bed, except one." This is the truth.

    And do let us know about her other questions.
     
    #13 Ianthe, Nov 15, 2011
  14. Mister E

    Mister E
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    I am probably going to show her the "For Parents" part of the site. Does anyone think that would help? Also, with the "sexual orientation is determined at a really young age", how would o reply to "What kind of stuff made that happen?" or "Does that mean I/we (referring to my dad) caused this?"
     
    #14 Mister E, Nov 15, 2011
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    Most data indicates that sexual orientation appears to be fixed before birth. One current theory has to do with hormone regulation in the womb during gestation, but there also are theories there's a genetic component since there seem to be certain family trees with an unusally high percentage of gay people.

    So the short answer is there's very little data to indicate that orientation is affected by anything after birth. It's phrased that way in the "for parents" page just to acknowledge there is some argument in some quarters for that idea, but no data to support it.

    I think the "for parents" part might help her... but on the other hand, if she reads the site, it might be a little graphic for her tastes, so it's your call :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Chip, Nov 16, 2011
  16. seeksanctuary

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    Just hang in there and wait it out...

    And stop lying. It'll make things worse, even if things will be awkward for a while. Do you know what guys do? Yes, you do know; it's nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it anything that needs to be prayed about. Is it a phase? No, it's not. Is it stress? No, but worrying about her reaction is causing you stress and you'd like to talk it out with her so that you can both feel more comfortable about the issue.

    And if she brings up people influencing you... IRL or online... there is a simple answer:

    "I am not gay because of gay friends or using a forum. I have gay friends and I use the forum because I'm gay, and it helps me feel supported and accepted."

    It's that simple. I promise. Most reasonable parents can understand that, and she doesn't sound unreasonable. She just sounds concerned, and misinformed. Not all parents are educated about homosexuality. Give her time, and trust her enough to be honest with her... she might wig out a bit, but she should come around eventually.
     
    #16 seeksanctuary, Nov 16, 2011
  17. Mister E

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    Update. She brought it up again. According to her, she has two main concerns. One, that things will be difficult for me after I "decide" this (she likes using that word). Two, the religious aspect.

    1. I'm aware of what could happen to me because of this. I can handle bullying and glares. What I can't handle is an unsupporting family.

    2. I am atheist and have absolutely no interest in religious aspects. However, this is something I literally can't tell my mom. Especially not right now. But she I'd very religious, and she is clearly concerned about homosexuality being a sin. Which the bible does say...
     
    #17 Mister E, Nov 16, 2011
  18. Nykoru

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    Hey, now we need to drag over whoever it is on here who references the bible's stance on slavery in their signature! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: The bible is text. Text gets interpreted. It is also focused on a rather different society and has been transcribed and translated so many times that the words themselves have somewhat less meaning than they may have had originally.

    Not really poking holes, just trying to hold the light up a bit to make you feel better (*hug*) Although, should your mother be against slavery, it might possibly be worth it to look up those passages and maybe quietly direct her to them as an example of how the world has changed and the bible has not.


    ALSO. Your biological family might not support you, but what about your internet family? We're all here for you!
     
    #18 Nykoru, Nov 16, 2011
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    Have her watch "For the Bible Tells Me So" and/or "Prayers for Bobby." I know that the latter is available on iTunes. Both of these deal with the religious aspects of being gay; Prayers for Bobby is a true story of a dyed-in-the-wool, holy roller Christian mother who came to realize that her rigid beliefs were directly related to her son killing himself... and how she ultimately came to understand how misguided she (and her church) was. She is now one of the most visible internationally recognized speakers for PFLAG.

    It sounds like your mom is sort of closing in on the inevitable. She's now thinking and processing what it actually means. So things are actually going pretty well as far as her ability to think about and accept it. I think the religious argument will come around also.
     
    #19 Chip, Nov 16, 2011
  20. Mister E

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    She wants me to read some books and stuff that she is going to find. And in return, she'll real stuff that I provide. Can you guys give me some names of stuff for her to read. I'm going to read the PFLAG pamphlet as well.

    She's been raised by heavy Christians raised by heavy Christians raised by... I think you get the point. The slavery thing might work but it also makes things worse. But I'll try it. Thank you.
     
    #20 Mister E, Nov 16, 2011
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