Putting Two and Two Together - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Mister E · 17th Nov 2011, 11:05 PM

I'm not sure why it took so long to realize I'm gay. Now, lying here in bed and reflecting on my past, it is so clear.

In second grade, I had a friend over. I remember acting out a video game (Evil Genius, to be precise). I was pretending to be the girl character and he was a minion or whatever. Hah, somehow, I had not been wearing my shirt, and I specifically remember putting a pillow that's really thin on his face (not strangling him, I swear) and putting my mouth over where his was. I'm not sure if he realized what I did, but I obviously didn't.

In around fifth grade, I started asking myself the all important question: "It's okay to find some guys attractive, right? I mean, I just notice which aren't ugly and which are." I never put two and two together though. This continued all throughout elementary school, but I always dismissed it.

In sixth grade, I had a friend that was a student in my Mom's classroom. She was a fifth grade teacher then, so he was a year younger than me. He would come over sometimes, and I found myself suggesting REALLY odd activities. I'm surprised he even went with them. For example, I would take my jump rope and loop it under my bed, and then he'd lie on my bed and let me tie his wrists so he couldn't get up. And then we'd just joke around but I don't really remember what we talked about. One time I kept pulling his shirt up, and I think I kept resting my hand on his chest and stomach. Nothing remotely sexual or anything of course. But, my memory is failing me. We would also do "trust exercises" a lot for some reason, where one falls back for the other to catch him/her. I did like having him in my arms, but I didn't put two and two together.

Last year, this same kid came into my Mom's classroom but my Mom wasn't around. So he just waited around for her to come back. My Mom has a reading corner with bean bags, so we just sat on those and talked about who knows what. Eventually, we were wrestling and it ended up with us standing up. I had my arms looped under his armpits and my hands on the back of his head, so he couldn't move. I also specifically remember having an erection at this point and hoping he didn't notice. But my Mom came back so we split up. But again, I didn't put two and two together.

Throughout elementary school, I was very shallow with girls. I only liked the very pretty ones that everyone thought was cute. Which, to me, makes sense. It was "right" to like then, so I did. The first relationship I was in was with a really unattractive girl though. This happened at the beginning of eighth grade. But, I really liked her cuz she liked me. My next relationship was with another girl that I can't really explain my feelings for. She wasn't particularly cute, and I liked her before she liked me. In fact, I KNEW she wasn't interested. Maybe that was part of it. We went out at the end of eighth grade to fall of my freshman year. After we broke up, I quickly moved on to a girl that again, isn't very attractive at all (according to my friends). She had so many similar interests though, so I guess I was pulled to her because of that. After we broke up, I had feelings for my ex (the second one) again. It took months for her to break up with her boyfriend, so then we went out again until a few weeks ago when I finally realized I was gay.

So, just thought I'd share this story. This is more of a "coming out ti myself" story. It was a long process of doubt and confusion. There is a lot more to it, but I can't remember it now. I really should have realized things sooner. After reading this, does anyone think there's still a chance I'm not gay?

Daisy1 · 17th Nov 2011, 11:29 PM

Hey Mister E. First of all, don't beat yourself up for not "putting two and two together." Most of are are in that position, and you're much younger than many of us. From what you've written, it does sounds as if you are probably gay, but you've only told us the stories that make you think you're gay. Of course, bisexuality is also an option. I'd say, just give yourself some time and don't worry too much about how you should label yourself.

Gravity · 18th Nov 2011, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mister E

I really should have realized things sooner.

Shoot, you're already light years ahead of me. Even in college I had no idea why I was so excited to hang out with this frat guy from one of my classes, why I loved going over to his apartment, and why my favorite part was when he would fall asleep and his shirt would ride up and I could watch his stomach move while he breathed. Or why it made such a big impression on me when he sang to me in his truck while giving me rides home.

I sh!t you not. I was one oblivious little homo. He even sang a love song once and I still didn't get it.

So, yeah. You're doing pretty good in my book.

And no, I don't see anything to really suggest you might not be gay. I had the "obligatory girlfriend" experience too, I think it's pretty normal.

Chouchou · 18th Nov 2011, 02:27 AM

Don't fret about it. I took 25 years for me to figure out that I like girls, even though I had five or six obvious (in hindsight) same-sex crushes since I was about 8 or 9, and numerous crushes on same-sex fictional characters. Many people figure it out after they had gotten married to someone of the opposite gender and had kids. Like Daisy said, give yourself some time to make sense of your feelings. Also, don't let others influence you too much in terms of how you label yourself, because you're the one who understands your own experiences the best.

Hidinginalabama · 18th Nov 2011, 08:10 AM

Like a lot of us it took me years. I was 21 before I finally came to under stand that I am gay. I had red flags popping up all my life and never looked at them. So try not to worry your self to much. You are very young and have all your life to find out who you are. Best of luck with everything.

17th Nov 2011, 11:05 PM	#1
Mister E Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Some kinda bi Location: Arizona Age: 15 Posts: 131 Join Date: Oct 2011	Putting Two and Two Together I'm not sure why it took so long to realize I'm gay. Now, lying here in bed and reflecting on my past, it is so clear. In second grade, I had a friend over. I remember acting out a video game (Evil Genius, to be precise). I was pretending to be the girl character and he was a minion or whatever. Hah, somehow, I had not been wearing my shirt, and I specifically remember putting a pillow that's really thin on his face (not strangling him, I swear) and putting my mouth over where his was. I'm not sure if he realized what I did, but I obviously didn't. In around fifth grade, I started asking myself the all important question: "It's okay to find some guys attractive, right? I mean, I just notice which aren't ugly and which are." I never put two and two together though. This continued all throughout elementary school, but I always dismissed it. In sixth grade, I had a friend that was a student in my Mom's classroom. She was a fifth grade teacher then, so he was a year younger than me. He would come over sometimes, and I found myself suggesting REALLY odd activities. I'm surprised he even went with them. For example, I would take my jump rope and loop it under my bed, and then he'd lie on my bed and let me tie his wrists so he couldn't get up. And then we'd just joke around but I don't really remember what we talked about. One time I kept pulling his shirt up, and I think I kept resting my hand on his chest and stomach. Nothing remotely sexual or anything of course. But, my memory is failing me. We would also do "trust exercises" a lot for some reason, where one falls back for the other to catch him/her. I did like having him in my arms, but I didn't put two and two together. Last year, this same kid came into my Mom's classroom but my Mom wasn't around. So he just waited around for her to come back. My Mom has a reading corner with bean bags, so we just sat on those and talked about who knows what. Eventually, we were wrestling and it ended up with us standing up. I had my arms looped under his armpits and my hands on the back of his head, so he couldn't move. I also specifically remember having an erection at this point and hoping he didn't notice. But my Mom came back so we split up. But again, I didn't put two and two together. Throughout elementary school, I was very shallow with girls. I only liked the very pretty ones that everyone thought was cute. Which, to me, makes sense. It was "right" to like then, so I did. The first relationship I was in was with a really unattractive girl though. This happened at the beginning of eighth grade. But, I really liked her cuz she liked me. My next relationship was with another girl that I can't really explain my feelings for. She wasn't particularly cute, and I liked her before she liked me. In fact, I KNEW she wasn't interested. Maybe that was part of it. We went out at the end of eighth grade to fall of my freshman year. After we broke up, I quickly moved on to a girl that again, isn't very attractive at all (according to my friends). She had so many similar interests though, so I guess I was pulled to her because of that. After we broke up, I had feelings for my ex (the second one) again. It took months for her to break up with her boyfriend, so then we went out again until a few weeks ago when I finally realized I was gay. So, just thought I'd share this story. This is more of a "coming out ti myself" story. It was a long process of doubt and confusion. There is a lot more to it, but I can't remember it now. I really should have realized things sooner. After reading this, does anyone think there's still a chance I'm not gay? Last edited by Mister E; 17th Nov 2011 at 11:11 PM.. Reason: Typos. Darned phone.

17th Nov 2011, 11:29 PM	#2
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Putting Two and Two Together Hey Mister E. First of all, don't beat yourself up for not "putting two and two together." Most of are are in that position, and you're much younger than many of us. From what you've written, it does sounds as if you are probably gay, but you've only told us the stories that make you think you're gay. Of course, bisexuality is also an option. I'd say, just give yourself some time and don't worry too much about how you should label yourself.

18th Nov 2011, 02:27 AM	#4
Chouchou Warrior Goddess Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Homosexual (asexual?) and mostly homoromantic Out Status: To some friends, but not to family Location: Wisconsin, USA Age: 26 Posts: 1,109 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Putting Two and Two Together Don't fret about it. I took 25 years for me to figure out that I like girls, even though I had five or six obvious (in hindsight) same-sex crushes since I was about 8 or 9, and numerous crushes on same-sex fictional characters. Many people figure it out after they had gotten married to someone of the opposite gender and had kids. Like Daisy said, give yourself some time to make sense of your feelings. Also, don't let others influence you too much in terms of how you label yourself, because you're the one who understands your own experiences the best. __________________ "The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human and, therefore, brothers." -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

18th Nov 2011, 08:10 AM	#5
Hidinginalabama EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Say no to the boobs. Say hell yes to men. Out Status: Almost every one other than work Location: alabama Age: 22 Posts: 954 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Putting Two and Two Together Like a lot of us it took me years. I was 21 before I finally came to under stand that I am gay. I had red flags popping up all my life and never looked at them. So try not to worry your self to much. You are very young and have all your life to find out who you are. Best of luck with everything.