My boyfriend knows...

[hiddenxrainbows]

Okay, so I'm pansexual. But for the longest time, I was in denial about it. And even when I finally accepted myself, I didn't "come out" immediately. And then, I came out like seven, eight months ago though, or something like that. That was to my closest friends.

And almost right after I came out to them, I met this great guy named Robert and we started dating. Now, even though my friends accepted me with no trouble whatsoever, I was still kind of...nervous or whatever about my sexuality and what others might think. I was still kind of scared of being out to certain people. So when I met Robert, I didn't tell him that I'm pan. He even actually asked me if I was straight once when we first met because I was complaining how one of my friends (that's girl) liked me. But I was so scared that I just immediately said "Of course, I'm straight!!!...." I guess I didn't want to tell him because I really liked him and was scared that if I told him, he'd think badly of me and I'd just chase him away. Plus, it was like right after I came out to some of my friends, which was sooo nerve-wracking, and I was still scared of coming out to everyone. So I just didn't tell him.

But after a while, I just got soo stressed out and hated myself for not telling him. I mean, weeks of dating turned into months, and he knew soo much about me, but not one of the most important things: Me being pan. However, right around the time that we'd been dating for two months, I still hadn't told him. And then I didn't have the chance after that because we both joined the army, and left for training in the beginning of July. So I didn't really have much contact with him during the time I was in training.

But eventually I just got soo sick of lying to him that in one of my letters I wrote him (because we eventually started writing each other every once in a while), I finally confessed that I'm pansexual. Of course, he was shocked. And then, he didn't even know what pan was, so I tried to explain it to him a little bit, with the limited contact we had.

Now, I'm home, and he's still away training. We talk every day now because he's allowed to have his cell phone again. But we haven't really talked much about me being pan. Only like once or twice, and they were short conversations. I want to ask him how he feels about it now, but I guess I'm still a little scared of bringing it up. I know that at first, he was shocked and felt a bit insulted because we went like three or four months with me keeping it a secret from him. I remember him saying something like "Well, if I'd have known from the very beginning, like when we first met, I wouldn't give a shit. But we've been dating for months now, and I only just find out...?" And then, I know he got kind of worried that I might cheat on him with a girl or something, I don't know...

I guess I just feel sort of bad that I took so long to tell him. Because I believe if you're in a relationship with someone, you shouldn't keep secrets from them. But that's also why I eventually told him. I hated lying to him. I just wanted to be honest with him. For him to know ALL of me, not just some of me. And since we haven't really talked about it all that much, I just don't know how he feels about it. I mean, I don't think it's messed with our relationship too much. It's not like I told him and then he was thinking about breaking up because of it. But I'd still like to know what exactly he thinks about it; I'm just not sure how to bring it up. And to be honest, I'm not sure if he really knows what pansexuality is in the first place. I tried explaining it to him once, but I didn't really get the chance.

I don't know...Is it normal to wait so long tell the person you're dating or whatever that you're not straight? And should I feel so guilty about taking so long??

[Josh S]

In my opinion, I don't think you should feel guilty. Granted, I'm not extremely familiar with the different experiences that people of various identities go through, but I can only assume it feels particularly awkward to bring up something like pansexuality since it doesn't seem to be mentioned anywhere as frequently as bi/homo/heterosexuality. In which case, I think it would be natural you might feel uncomfortable bringing it up right away because while you're opening up to him you have to reassure him that it won't affect your relationship. Just let him know that you did want to tell him, but you weren't sure how he would react.

That's my two cents anyway.

[Ianthe]

You might reasonably have felt guilty about lying when he asked you; I think it's understandable that you were scared, but it's still upsetting to people to be lied to.

But you've told him the truth now, and done what you can to fix things, so I don't think you should feel guilty anymore.

Talk to him about it some more, that's all. Tell him your story: how you discovered and came to understand your sexuality, and all that.

[hiddenxrainbows]

Yeah, it is a little bit awkward talking about being pan. Maybe if I was bi or just full out lesbian, it wouldn't be so awkward since everybody knows about them.

And yeah, I do feel guilty for lying to him and not telling him before. But admitting something like that isn't easy. Not that that's much of an excuse, but still. And that's like the only thing I've ever lied to him about, so...yeah.

Thanks though, guys.

I did ask him about it today. I asked him if it was still awkward or weird for him; and he said that it wasn't, he was just curious if I would ever do it anything with a girl. But I assured him that I wouldn't cheat on him or anything. And that's basically all that was said about it. For the moment, anyway. I think I'll just wait til he comes home to talk to him about it more. Because the only thing we can do right now is text, and he doesn't have time to text me all the time. We'd have way more time to talk about stuff like that once he's back. So I think it can wait, now that I know he's fine with it now.