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procrastinating & self-bargaining Re: Coming out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by commandZ, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. commandZ

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    So I haven't been on in a while. Mostly because I think I feel guilty for dragging my feet. I came on this site so I could find support and motivation regarding coming out. Up to a month ago I was on an upward trajectory. I could see myself coming out and getting on with the rest of my life. But I've really regressed. I still think about it most days but I avoid really getting introspective. I bargain with myself. I think "now's a bad time" for such and such a reason. I always find a reason. I also get to trying to convince myself that I can will myself to feel the sexual attraction/passion that is missing in our relationship.

    -Does anyone have experience with this sort of bargaining?

    -Has anybody stayed with their partner despite everything? Are you happy?

    -Have you set a time line to come out? Did you keep to it?

    C.
     
  2. 11 11 11

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    Just a tip - it needs to say: "going back and forth" in your Oreintation - wrong kind of "forth" you've got there.

    Anyway - as for keeping to a timeline to come out. I think you'll find just about everyone has mucked theirs up XD


    I havn't really tried yet - but I am already bargainning with myself saying: "what will my parents think" or "they'll be really angry." The thing that irritates me the most is that I remain stuck in this hole of depression and inactivity - but everytime I go to pull myself out, I feel even worse and back down.

    It's stupid really, because then I hate myself for being so egocentrically, self-depreicative.

    Anyway - as for breaking cycles of self-bargaining, this sounds a lot like my problem with studying and procrastination in the past couple of monthes.

    Looking back - I think the best way I could have helped myself - and maybe it'll work for you - is to cut off all other avenues - except the one you want to take.

    What I mean is somehow, get yourself in the position where your basically in a locked room with your parents - with nothing in it but a table, three chairs and a peice of paper that says: "The person next to you is gay, discuss."

    Of course I'm not saying you should actually construct an interrogation room in your hosue - but you should create circumstances where the easiest option would be to come out.

    Maybe tell you parents that on a set day - a week in the future - you'd like to sit down with them and discuss something serious. Perhaps invite a friend over you trust - who you know will force you to stay in the room...or else plan a day out with friends in the morning - so that when you get home to your parents your tired (more likely to say what' s on your mind) , and have a reason to speak to them (having not seen them all day)

    Anyway.

    Just a thought.
     
  3. Gallatin

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    I definitely bargained with myself over coming out. I constantly thought to myself things like "just try one more relationship with a girl, it'll be different" and came up with excuses (usually silly or trivial) as to why I couldn't come out. Eventually I came to accept what I knew for ages - that no bargain that I made with myself was going to change who I was.

    I never really set a strict timeline for myself, since I'm not a fan of deadlines and such. When I was ready and good opportunities arose, I took them, and came out.
     
  4. commandZ

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    I'm sorry 11 11 11, I appreciate your 90% of your response but what I don't need is a public grammar lesson. People come on here for meaningful advice not to have their writing analyzed. It's not helpful nor does it foster a safe positive space. A lot of people on this site feel bad enough as it is without that kind of analysis. In the future if you are really trying to be helpful try sending a private message instead.

    Just a thought.
     
  5. stilllovelyafte

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    I've been engaged in this sort of bargaining for years. It's exam time, I can't destabilize her (or me). There was a loss in the family, my brother is struggling in school, it'd be too taxing on my family. I could always come up with a reason to avoid sharing the truth or, more importantly, confronting myself.

    In a less direct way, I concocted a scenario sort of like the one Alex2020 described. I've removed many of the distractions in my life, so that there are few things to keep me from sharing going forward.

    For one, I took a break from my relationship. I am now totally alone, and the thoughts of guilt at hurting someone are slightly lesser than they were before. I've also indicated to my mom that I'd like a bit more time to talk with her one on one, as it has been very hard to get this time over the years. Finally, I've tried very hard to keep myself from getting caught up in a new relationship with new distractions.

    Basically, I wanted to create conditions conducive to me sharing if and when I get the balls to do so.

    Overwhelming likelihood is that I will bargain my way out of sharing. But, if I do, it will be because I did not feel ready or I was scared, not for some circumstantial reason.