I came out to my boyfriend - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Daisy1 · 19th Nov 2011, 09:15 PM

Last night, I talked to my boyfriend of six years. I told him that I've been really unhappy, and that it's because I think I'm meant to be with women. It was incredibly sad and emotional, and we talked and held each other for hours. He was sweet about it. He had a sense that it was coming and said that he wanted me to be happy. It's hard, though, to be hurting my best friend. So many elements of our relationship were wonderful, and I still love him. It's been a really difficult day, even though I'm not sure it's even fully kicked in yet. I hope I did the right thing. I don't feel happy, but I have a vague sense that I may now have a greater capacity to be happy at some point in the future.

Thanks to everyone here for the advice leading up to this.

thecat06 · 19th Nov 2011, 09:41 PM

That's a really hard thing to do, so you deserve a hug

It's good that he took it well and talked to you about it.
Congrats!!

hiddenxrainbows · 19th Nov 2011, 10:01 PM

Congrats, that's awesome! I'm sure that couldn't have been easy, coming out to him. But at least he accepted it well, and even kinda foreseen it. And it might not feel so good right now, but I'm sure it'll get better eventually. I mean, you can finally move on with your life and be with whoever you're meant to be with, eventually. And yeah, it must have hurt to hurt him. But it's better that you be honest with him, especially about something so serious as that. And at least you didn't end up marrying him THEN telling him, like what happens with a lot of gays unfortunately.

Chouchou · 19th Nov 2011, 10:16 PM

Glad to hear that he is so understanding and accepting. Ending a long-term relationship is bound to result in some hurt feelings, but what you said about a greater capacity to be happy in the future is a great point. By telling him the truth, you are saving a great deal of heartache for both of you, and maintaining your close friendship. So despite it being emotionally painful for both of you right now, I believe that this is a trial that will ultimately strengthen your bond.

kiersten · 19th Nov 2011, 11:33 PM

I know this was such a hard decision for you, hon. But I am proud of you for taking this step!

It may feel really crappy now for both of you, but think of it this way - you have a guy in your life that cares about you so much, he wants you to be happy, even if that means not being with him. So he may not be your boyfriend, but he certainly is an amazing friend, and that isn't something to dismiss quite so quickly! I am proud of you & you will be happy! I have no doubt of that! You will meet the girl for you & be so happy. Congrats on taking such a huge & scary change in your life & facing it head on. You can handle anything life throws at you, & this is just proof of just how strong & wonderful a person you truly are!

silverhalo · 20th Nov 2011, 12:47 AM

Lots of

s that was always going to be a tough day but you will reap the rewards soon, im glad your boyfriend took it well. Keep your chin up.

**Eleanor Rigby** · 20th Nov 2011, 01:00 AM

There is no wonder you did the right thing, for both of you. I completely understand it had been very hard for you to do

and I am happy he had been understanding and supportive.
It's completely fine to be sad and to take some time to mourn, but I think you took a very huge step today. Congratulations

Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that might be helpful for you boyfriend : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_...ght_Spouse.pdf

Take care, Cécile

Daisy1 · 20th Nov 2011, 05:50 AM

Thanks so much, everyone. I'm feeling a bit better today, although I still think it hasn't truly sunk in. I really hope I made the right decision, and that he's not hurting too much right now.

Friendly ghost · 20th Nov 2011, 07:35 AM

Congratulations. Its painful I know. The pain will move on though, and both of you will be happy. As you said, he is your best friend. Hopefully, he always will be too. You'll have to give him some time, but like someone else said, this is another trial on your relationship. Hopefully, and it sounds likely, you'll make it through and be lifelong friends. You did the right thing, and he understood it. There are few if any better reasons to end a relationship. Stay strong, I'm happy for you.

Daisy1 · 20th Nov 2011, 09:26 AM

Just chatted with him this morning. He seemed really sad, which makes me even sadder. I still have to tell my parents and all of our friends, which is daunting. I'm not ready to tell people the real reason for the breakup yet. Without that backdrop, I'm worried I'll seem rash, selfish or worse.

kiersten · 20th Nov 2011, 10:55 AM

I know this will be hard for you still & that things still are not necessarily over, but when I came out I looked at things this way - I'm female & I'm gay & I have the wrong body which I need to fix. It came down to a matter of how I felt about myself & how I was with things over what other people were going to think about me. As much as we love the people & family in our lives, I found that I cant worry about if I come across as selfish or rash or anything like that. I have to take care of me, if the people I love can't handle that or have a different opinion of me for me trying to be myself, then that's their problem. It will be hard, but hang in there. And you always have all of us on EC to talk to whenever you need us.

seeksanctuary · 20th Nov 2011, 11:49 AM

Of course he's going to be sad... and of course you're going to be sad. You loved each other, and you still do; you can still love each other now and in the future, but it's a different kind of love. I personally like to call it "friendship"! It's different and you'll both probably miss what you had together, but I'm sure you both realize that you just weren't meant for one another.

It'll take time to heal. He needs to grieve, and so do you. A necessary loss is still a loss.

Hang in there. Resist going back just for the sake of making him happy, or for the sake of simplicity. It'll just make it more difficult in the end, and is liable to wreck whatever friendship you could have had. Push forward, keep your chin up and realize that you are a brave, strong person for doing the right thing... and you DID do the right thing.

Daisy1 · 20th Nov 2011, 03:09 PM

Thanks Kiersten and SS. Your support means a lot.

Doctor Faustus · 20th Nov 2011, 06:57 PM

That sounded like such a difficult thing to do, but I guess it was for the best.

I wish you well, both you and your ex.

F. x

Daisy1 · 20th Nov 2011, 07:07 PM

I cannot believe how overwhelmingly sad* I am over this. It is physically hurting me. I expected it to be bad, but I can barely stand to think about him without crying. I'm even starting to question whether I'm actually gay.

Also, lonely. He was my best friend!

Doctor Faustus · 20th Nov 2011, 07:11 PM

Let him know you still feel deeply for him, if that's true. What you said might seem irreversible, but I believe the human heart has an enormous capacity for compassion and forgiveness.

And you don't have to be sure you're gay. Nothing is set in stone. Just try and be happy. That is all. Sexuality is secondary to happiness: we only get one chance at life.

Hope this helps. Do write to me if you need any more advice.

Best,

F. x

Daisy1 · 20th Nov 2011, 07:18 PM

Thanks Dr. F. That's really great to hear. You're right, of course.

stilllovelyafte · 20th Nov 2011, 09:21 PM

Daisy, keep your head up. So proud of you for taking this step. Of course, it makes sense you are hurting so much. You are a caring person, and he was one of the most important people in your life. I think it's worth pointing out that you didn't have much of a choice here. You may or may not be gay - but the thought and feeling that you are gay reached a sufficient level that you could not continue on your current course with your boyfriend in a way that felt okay to you. You needed to take this step to find out your truth. I think, regardless of outcome, this step was the only choice you had to find the authentic you. You are at step one of an incredible journey. It's scary now, but I have no doubt a few years from now you will be one of the grizzled veterans, looking back and giving posters here advice about how things will all work out great in due time.

alex2020 · 20th Nov 2011, 09:55 PM

Congratulations. This was a big step, and you should be proud of yourself for taking it.

Gravity · 20th Nov 2011, 10:48 PM

I'm afraid I'll only be echoing everyone else here, but continued

for your courage to tell him about this, and for making it through the days since then. I'm sure it's hard, but, as has been said, the important thing is making sure you're truly happy, and being as honest with yourself and others as possible.

How wonderful, also, that he is being so supportive and understanding, despite the emotion of the situation. If you can count him among the people who have your back, I imagine it will be a great help for you.

I would expect sadness - indeed, from the sound of things, it would be even more strange if neither of you were sad at all.

But, again - honesty and the happiness that comes from it! It's my thing.

And also, one more

.

19th Nov 2011, 09:15 PM	#1
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	I came out to my boyfriend Last night, I talked to my boyfriend of six years. I told him that I've been really unhappy, and that it's because I think I'm meant to be with women. It was incredibly sad and emotional, and we talked and held each other for hours. He was sweet about it. He had a sense that it was coming and said that he wanted me to be happy. It's hard, though, to be hurting my best friend. So many elements of our relationship were wonderful, and I still love him. It's been a really difficult day, even though I'm not sure it's even fully kicked in yet. I hope I did the right thing. I don't feel happy, but I have a vague sense that I may now have a greater capacity to be happy at some point in the future. Thanks to everyone here for the advice leading up to this.

19th Nov 2011, 09:41 PM	#2
thecat06 EC's Biggest LNJF and SNL fan!! Full Member Gender: Let's say Pangender! Orientation: Let's say gay!! Out Status: Out to parents, campus, and 75 friends on facebook Location: Central and Northern Ohio Age: 19 Posts: 2,504 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend That's a really hard thing to do, so you deserve a hug It's good that he took it well and talked to you about it. Congrats!! __________________ So many years have passed, since I proclaimed my independence, my mission, my aim, and my vision, so secure, content to live each day like it's my last, it's wonderful to know, that I could be, something more than what I dreamed, far beyond what I could see -Dream Theater

19th Nov 2011, 10:01 PM	#3
hiddenxrainbows Member Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Pansexual Out Status: Most people, but my dad-don't want him to know yet Location: Mt. Pleasant, PA Age: 19 Posts: 67 Join Date: Apr 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Congrats, that's awesome! I'm sure that couldn't have been easy, coming out to him. But at least he accepted it well, and even kinda foreseen it. And it might not feel so good right now, but I'm sure it'll get better eventually. I mean, you can finally move on with your life and be with whoever you're meant to be with, eventually. And yeah, it must have hurt to hurt him. But it's better that you be honest with him, especially about something so serious as that. And at least you didn't end up marrying him THEN telling him, like what happens with a lot of gays unfortunately.

19th Nov 2011, 10:16 PM	#4
Chouchou Warrior Goddess Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Homosexual (asexual?) and mostly homoromantic Out Status: To some friends, but not to family Location: Wisconsin, USA Age: 26 Posts: 1,109 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Glad to hear that he is so understanding and accepting. Ending a long-term relationship is bound to result in some hurt feelings, but what you said about a greater capacity to be happy in the future is a great point. By telling him the truth, you are saving a great deal of heartache for both of you, and maintaining your close friendship. So despite it being emotionally painful for both of you right now, I believe that this is a trial that will ultimately strengthen your bond. __________________ "The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human and, therefore, brothers." -- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

19th Nov 2011, 11:33 PM	#5
kiersten KierstenChromium, Mistress Of Metal Full Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to 127 people & my parents & 1 cousin so far Location: Sarnia, ON Posts: 1,331 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend I know this was such a hard decision for you, hon. But I am proud of you for taking this step! It may feel really crappy now for both of you, but think of it this way - you have a guy in your life that cares about you so much, he wants you to be happy, even if that means not being with him. So he may not be your boyfriend, but he certainly is an amazing friend, and that isn't something to dismiss quite so quickly! I am proud of you & you will be happy! I have no doubt of that! You will meet the girl for you & be so happy. Congrats on taking such a huge & scary change in your life & facing it head on. You can handle anything life throws at you, & this is just proof of just how strong & wonderful a person you truly are! __________________ Penny: What's Sheldon's deal? Leonard: What do you mean "deal"? Penny : You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets? Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.

20th Nov 2011, 12:47 AM	#6
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,161 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Lots of s that was always going to be a tough day but you will reap the rewards soon, im glad your boyfriend took it well. Keep your chin up.

20th Nov 2011, 01:00 AM	#7
Eleanor Rigby Filip's sidekick EC Advisor Gender: Female Orientation: Straight Out Status: Out as straight ally Location: France Age: 32 Posts: 5,401 Join Date: Feb 2009	Re: I came out to my boyfriend There is no wonder you did the right thing, for both of you. I completely understand it had been very hard for you to do and I am happy he had been understanding and supportive. It's completely fine to be sad and to take some time to mourn, but I think you took a very huge step today. Congratulations Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that might be helpful for you boyfriend : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_...ght_Spouse.pdf Take care, Cécile __________________ "Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means." Immanuel Kant

20th Nov 2011, 05:50 AM	#8
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Thanks so much, everyone. I'm feeling a bit better today, although I still think it hasn't truly sunk in. I really hope I made the right decision, and that he's not hurting too much right now.

20th Nov 2011, 07:35 AM	#9
Friendly ghost Always the Observer Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Family and friends, and I try to be to everyone. Location: Ohio Age: 22 Posts: 180 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Congratulations. Its painful I know. The pain will move on though, and both of you will be happy. As you said, he is your best friend. Hopefully, he always will be too. You'll have to give him some time, but like someone else said, this is another trial on your relationship. Hopefully, and it sounds likely, you'll make it through and be lifelong friends. You did the right thing, and he understood it. There are few if any better reasons to end a relationship. Stay strong, I'm happy for you.

20th Nov 2011, 09:26 AM	#10
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Just chatted with him this morning. He seemed really sad, which makes me even sadder. I still have to tell my parents and all of our friends, which is daunting. I'm not ready to tell people the real reason for the breakup yet. Without that backdrop, I'm worried I'll seem rash, selfish or worse.

20th Nov 2011, 10:55 AM	#11
kiersten KierstenChromium, Mistress Of Metal Full Member Gender: Transgender - MtF Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Out to 127 people & my parents & 1 cousin so far Location: Sarnia, ON Posts: 1,331 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend I know this will be hard for you still & that things still are not necessarily over, but when I came out I looked at things this way - I'm female & I'm gay & I have the wrong body which I need to fix. It came down to a matter of how I felt about myself & how I was with things over what other people were going to think about me. As much as we love the people & family in our lives, I found that I cant worry about if I come across as selfish or rash or anything like that. I have to take care of me, if the people I love can't handle that or have a different opinion of me for me trying to be myself, then that's their problem. It will be hard, but hang in there. And you always have all of us on EC to talk to whenever you need us. __________________ Penny: What's Sheldon's deal? Leonard: What do you mean "deal"? Penny : You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets? Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.

20th Nov 2011, 11:49 AM	#12
seeksanctuary Weary Traveller Full Member Gender: Transgender - FtM Orientation: Gay Out Status: Pretty much everyone that matters. Location: USA Age: 24 Posts: 402 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Of course he's going to be sad... and of course you're going to be sad. You loved each other, and you still do; you can still love each other now and in the future, but it's a different kind of love. I personally like to call it "friendship"! It's different and you'll both probably miss what you had together, but I'm sure you both realize that you just weren't meant for one another. It'll take time to heal. He needs to grieve, and so do you. A necessary loss is still a loss. Hang in there. Resist going back just for the sake of making him happy, or for the sake of simplicity. It'll just make it more difficult in the end, and is liable to wreck whatever friendship you could have had. Push forward, keep your chin up and realize that you are a brave, strong person for doing the right thing... and you DID do the right thing. __________________ but there's no sense crying over every mistake you just keep on trying 'til you run out of cake...

20th Nov 2011, 03:09 PM	#13
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Thanks Kiersten and SS. Your support means a lot.

20th Nov 2011, 06:57 PM	#14
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,610 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend That sounded like such a difficult thing to do, but I guess it was for the best. I wish you well, both you and your ex. F. x __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.

20th Nov 2011, 07:07 PM	#15
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend I cannot believe how overwhelmingly sad* I am over this. It is physically hurting me. I expected it to be bad, but I can barely stand to think about him without crying. I'm even starting to question whether I'm actually gay. Also, lonely. He was my best friend! Last edited by Daisy1; 20th Nov 2011 at 07:10 PM..

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20th Nov 2011, 07:11 PM	#16
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,610 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Let him know you still feel deeply for him, if that's true. What you said might seem irreversible, but I believe the human heart has an enormous capacity for compassion and forgiveness. And you don't have to be sure you're gay. Nothing is set in stone. Just try and be happy. That is all. Sexuality is secondary to happiness: we only get one chance at life. Hope this helps. Do write to me if you need any more advice. Best, F. x __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.

20th Nov 2011, 07:18 PM	#17
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Thanks Dr. F. That's really great to hear. You're right, of course.

20th Nov 2011, 09:21 PM	#18
stilllovelyafte Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Questioning Posts: 171 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Daisy, keep your head up. So proud of you for taking this step. Of course, it makes sense you are hurting so much. You are a caring person, and he was one of the most important people in your life. I think it's worth pointing out that you didn't have much of a choice here. You may or may not be gay - but the thought and feeling that you are gay reached a sufficient level that you could not continue on your current course with your boyfriend in a way that felt okay to you. You needed to take this step to find out your truth. I think, regardless of outcome, this step was the only choice you had to find the authentic you. You are at step one of an incredible journey. It's scary now, but I have no doubt a few years from now you will be one of the grizzled veterans, looking back and giving posters here advice about how things will all work out great in due time.

20th Nov 2011, 09:55 PM	#19
alex2020 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everybody important, and anybody who asks. Location: Florida Age: 19 Posts: 1,437 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend Congratulations. This was a big step, and you should be proud of yourself for taking it. __________________ “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”

20th Nov 2011, 10:48 PM	#20
Gravity EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Arizona Age: 31 Posts: 642 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: I came out to my boyfriend I'm afraid I'll only be echoing everyone else here, but continued for your courage to tell him about this, and for making it through the days since then. I'm sure it's hard, but, as has been said, the important thing is making sure you're truly happy, and being as honest with yourself and others as possible. How wonderful, also, that he is being so supportive and understanding, despite the emotion of the situation. If you can count him among the people who have your back, I imagine it will be a great help for you. I would expect sadness - indeed, from the sound of things, it would be even more strange if neither of you were sad at all. But, again - honesty and the happiness that comes from it! It's my thing. And also, one more . __________________ "If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, what would you choose?"