Don't Give UP! There's Hope! PLEASE READ!!

So this past Saturday, November 20th 2011 I was lying in my bed feeling depressed as usual. I've had been feeling like that for the past weeks. But this night was different, I was thinking of committing suicide. I layed there in my bed feeling so hopeless and helpless.

You see I had all ready come out to my friends and basically the school because people just knew and would tell each other. School was great, I didn't get bullied or made fun of at all. I had a lot of friends, I was popular, a lot of people knew me. I had so many girl friends that I didn't get made fun of at all, because 1. Some of my girl friends were popular and hot so guys didn't want to mess because I was friends with them and they would have my back. And 2. The straight guys were kind of jealous that I got all the ladies lol. Anyway..., so school is great for me. I'm know I'm very lucky that I don't get bullied, beat up, etc.. like most gay teens do.

Now the problem was, my family. I am the youngest out of five older sisters. My family immigrated here from a different country, but I was the only one born here. My father wasn't a very good father or how a typical father should be like. We were never close and still today aren't. So I grew up raised by my mom and my older sisters. As you can see, because I was raised by 6 females I believed I was "nurtured" rather than "natured" into being gay. But that's a whole other argument, nature vs nurture. Growing up, I became and acted more and more like my sisters because I lived and was raised by them (and my mom). As I got older, they started to realize the effects it had. I was turning girly or gay or feminine for them. So they tried their best to stop influencing me because they didn't want a gay brother. They would tell me to play sports, they would stop taking me shopping, and they would tell me to stop talking a certain way, stop moving my hands in a certain way, or stop walking in a certain way.. etc. Basically, they did everything they could to man me up and make me masculine or not gay. So I was not out with my family at all because of this.

I felt like I lived two lives. One at home with my family where I was trying to be masculine and straight, but it just made me depressed and quiet most of the time. I didn't really talk much or bond as much with them. I just kept to myself and kept quiet. The other life I lived was at school. Here I was happy, flamboyant, cheerful, and just free. My girl friends, I felt were like my actual sisters. Better yet, they were better than my real ones. I could tell them anything and be who I truly was with them. We talked about boys, hung out, shopped, basically everything I couldn't do with my real sisters. So living two lives was very hard for me. One of lies and depression and one of happiness and freedom. I tried to manage both lives but I couldn't anymore, until that Saturday night...

Back to Saturday night. I was feeling depressed and lonely and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to give up. So I thought about suicide (I had tried once before and drowned myself, but it didn't work). I was going to overdose on pills. But before I did, I had texted one of my close friends saying to her "Thanks for everything, you've been a great friend, thank you for always being there, Goodbye..." She immediately replied "Please don't kill yourself! you are loved, we love you, etc." So I thought to myself again and replied to her "ok". But she didn't believe me and told me she was going to call the cops (she knew about my other suicide attempt before..she was the only one who knew). I told her no, but she did anyway because at 12am at night I heard a pounding knock on my door. It was the cops. The police entered my house and woke up everybody in the house. They came to me and told me that my friend called them and that I threatened to commit suicide. So because of the Baker Act, they had the right to take me to the hospital to see a psychiatrist and I couldn't refuse or do anything about it.

The the police officer handcuffed me and put me into the back of his car. He drove me to the hospital and I was taken into the ER room. I was labeled as "suicidal" so people thought I was crazy and suicidal, but I wasn't. They monitored me at all times and treated me in a weird way, I didn't like it. I was in the ER room for 6 hours by myself, scared, lonely, and mad that my friend had actually called the police. I had to wait 6 hours because that's how long it took for them to transfer me into the psychiatric ward. Yes a PSYCHIATRIC WARD. 6am.. I was transferred into the ward. They body checked me and strip searched me for any cuts or bruises and then they took me into a room that I shared with a roommate. I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen to me and I couldn't sleep because of this. 7:30am everyone awoke, it was about 10 other teens there each with there own story and mental problems. I felt like I was the only normal one there because this was all a mistake and my friend's fault. Plus I was baker acted so I couldn't do anything. I spent two days in the psychiatric ward. The experiences I've had and what I felt during those two days were unexplainable. You'd have to experience it yourself.

So where's my family throughout this terrible ordeal you may ask? Well my parents and sisters weren't allowed to ride in the cop car with me to the hospital and they were only allowed to visit certain hours... but they didn't. And while I was in the ward, they had taken my phone so I could only use the hospital phone. While I was in the hospital, I had found out that one of my sisters had snooped around in my room and found my diary. In it, I wrote about so many personal things including my sexuality. I also wrote about feeling depressed and how I lived double lives. Well she read it... (OMGWTF). So my secrets were now exposed to her. When I was discharged from the hospital my other sister came to pick me up. We talked of course.. in the car. She said she kind of all ready suspected and that it was okay but she never really asked me straight up "Are you gay?" and I never really said to her "I'm gay". But I told her I wanted to go to New york, go to design school and become a designer. We just talked about a lot of things and I just hinted to her that I was gay, I never really said it because i knew she all ready knew. But she was okay with everything.

Since two of my sisters knew about my sexuality (the one who read my diary and the other one who drove me home) they just spread the word to my other sisters. My parents don't know, or they don't care which is what I assume because they haven't talked to me or said anything. But things have gotten better, I can talk to them about interests in fashion and other things and they don't try to "degayonize" (that should be a new word lol) me anymore. It's only been a couple days (5) of adjustment but each day it gets better. Yeah... It gets better that's all i have to say . Don't give up, I know how some of you may feel lonely or helpless. I've been there and even in the darkest steps (suicidal) but I survived and here I am today telling you my story. It get's better it really does!! Trust me! Please.


P.S.

Please comment lol it took me a long time to write and it wasn't easy for me to share with you guys. I'm 16 years old btw. Also pm me if you have any personal questions or need help. I'll be more than happy to reply.

 

haha yeah. While I was in the ER room waiting I still had my phone. I sent her like 10 text messages telling her fuck you! I hate you! i don't think I can ever talk to you again etc. But I was thankful she did when I got out and realized what I had been through was for the best.

 

What do you mean by good head on my shoulders?

 

Thanks! One of my sisters' even got me a sewing machine lol. And they are going to take me to New york to tour Parsons.

 

Honestly.. I thought I would have never come out to my family. I believe this was fate or God. This whole experience actually outted me itself and I didn't have to do or say anything. I'm not saying you should be suicidal and get sent to a psychiatric ward :lol: . But it does open up peoples' eyes. In this case it was my family.

 

Actually I didn't really accept myself that much. Living a double life was really hard. I was depressed a lot I wondered if I was wrong or if I could try to be bi or straight. I thought why did god do this to me? Why me? Etc. I've even thought about suicide. So, accepting myself was kind of hard for me.


Thanks everyone for the comments so far. :icon_bigg

 

I'm sorry for everything that you had to go through, but I'm really glad that you have been able to build from your experience and be happier than before.

Thank you for sharing your story