Hey everyone! Just stumbled across this place and finding it pretty awesome! Anyways, I kinda wanted to share my 'coming out' story. I know it doesn't have much merit since none of you know me, but it's one of those situations that I know only you guys would really know I recently came out to a friend who really changed the way I live my life (before I told him). We met as coworkers when I accepted a new position at my work, and almost immediately found a lot in common between us. We started to hang out a bit, chilled at his place while the wife was working (for what it matters, I'm 24 and he's 26) - we also work evening shifts. In the conversations we had, we found that we had outside business interests (MLM, if you know anything about it...) and the 'amazingness' of personal development (by which way, has helped me in so many ways with coming out, and life in general). Anyway, one day at his place, I opened up a bit and gave him some background history of where I've come from since high school, with depression n shit, and he felt that we had enough in common, and trusted me enough as a friend to let me know a lot of stuff he hasn't shared with even his closest friends. I think to anyone, that's pretty special, and awesome. Anyway coming away from that, we went to a lot of baseball games together, with other friends from work etc.. have become pretty close. I've known the guy just over a year and he's become pretty much my best friend. Fast forward to only a few months ago - I read an amazing post on another forum about a young guy around my age who posted asking for advice on how to come out to his best friend. I honestly really related to his, because he said it was killing him not being able to be himself around him - when they go to clubs and bars and stuff.. his buddy hitting on/picking up chicks and him just being there awkwardly. The responses people game him were to say the least, overwhelming to me, because of how much I believed in what they said. Literally later that week, we went to final baseball game of the season and my friends from work were getting on me... as there was a smoakin hot lady cop patrolling the field where we were sitting. Telling me to get her number etc... stuff guys normally tell their single buddies to do etc... all fun yes, but deep down it was killing me just to tell them. When I came home, I reread the stuff that was posted and made the decision to tell him. I didn't yet have the courage, but I while at the gym, I forgot I had the movie 'the Secret' on it, and watched it. WOW - did that movie help me! If you've ever watched it, and watched it when you have something 'in mind' - it just makes so much more sense! I wrote a two page letter and dropped it off at his desk, knowing he'd be in later that night to work (I had the day off, my shift ends when his starts). I've NEVER gone through so much anxiety in all my life that night. My letter basically explained that I've never come out to anyone, how much he meant to me as a friend, how I knew he felt toward gays (one who cracked fag jokes towards gay guys), how he was like my older brother, with everything he's taught me... I really don't remember all I wrote, it honestly had so much emotion in it, I can't recall - almost a bad thing because I don't know all what I said lol. I'm a strong believer in 'everything happening for a reason' and believing in my intuition, and I believed he was going to tell me it was cool (by text message lol). I went to bed without a response from him that night fearing the worst as I didn't hear from him. I also got up the next morning and still didn't see a response via txt. I still remember the exact moment I received a reply - while putting my socks on when I got it. If it's OK, I'd like to share it with you guys. Hey bro, just read your letter. I was sick last night and only came in for a few moments. Thank you. I can only imagine how hard it was to express yourself in that letter. Thank you. To be honest...I have always suspected (for lack of a better word) but I never judged bro. I respect all ppl. Good ppl. You are a good person. If I have ever said anything to offend you pls forgive me ignorance. My true thoughts on the subject are: to each their own. No1 person has the right to judge another. No1 person has the power to make someone feel low. I am a victim to stereo types and the world view on gays. I must be honest with you. I don't approve or disapprove its ur life!! Be free from the chains that hold u back. U are a friend and I am proud to call u that! U are a brother and I am proud to call you that! Nothing changes with us. Expect I won't push u to get police officers numbers lol After this I told him it was the first time I cried tears of joy in a LONG time! The next day, we met at work and he acted like nothing was different. He didn't bring it up, neither did I. When I got home, I asked if he wanted to grab lunch, since I owed him one (another story lol, nothing worth sharing though). We made plans for later in the week. He asked me to call him at home to 'wake him up (as he works the over night shift)' but he didn't answer. I texted him and said not to worry, obv he needed the sleep. He txtd me about an hour later and said he slept in but he still wanted to meet up. I couldn't be bothered as it was fairly close to my start time at work, but he kept insisting. I told him we'd make it up another day, but then he told me 'mother f*&^er I'm hungry lol' so I had to assume he wanted to meet up more than I did - no one wakes up and within minutes wants to eat lunch.... well, maybe some lol Once we met up, we ate and nothing again was mentioned. I didn't honestly know how to bring it up - although I wanted to. Just to thank him for being cool. But, he did it thank god! Told me he showed the letter to his wife, and if it was ok. I said yes, and he told me his wife thought it was his ex who wrote it lol... anyway, once be broke the ice, he started with the funny questions... how long have you known for.. do your parents know... etc... then there was a pause for about a minute which he said "soooooo... dooo you have a boyfriend?" Coming from him it was so hilarious, yet cute... - and btw, me writing this I'm finding my self using words I don't tend to lol... I'm a fairly straight acting guy, so using words like cute really isn't me... but is.. I dunno lol.. I proceeded to tell him how I've never 'been with anyone' of either sex due to me hiding this, and he thought it was just great... wanted to set me up with a hooker 'just to be sure' lol... Anyway, since then I've come out to a few girls at my work. It's kinda cool since I can be 'open' without having to feel weird. Although it still 'feels weird' being open, I'm sure it's one of those things I'll get used to. I however don't know how to take my relationship with my buddy tho. I can't help but always think he's only being nice, since it's the type of person he is. Him crackin fag jokes made me realize who he was in that aspect, yet he said it's only because of stereotypes, so I don't know if him knowing me has changed his views. I want to know, yet at the same time I don't. My intuition tells me, if I have a question to ask him, to well... ask him. Anytime I've wanted to and thought about it, it's told me to, and has always worked out. I don't know why I feel like he's only being nice. I mean, does he 'care'? Does he still value our friendship the same way it was? I know truly the only way to know is to ask, but I don't want him to think I'm some sort of insecure 'bitch' who needs reassurance to be happy.... and I don't know why I have the feeling of needing to know, thinking as if there IS something TO know. Do you think I'm wrong to think this? Although I didn't think the day would ever come that I'd finally start telling people, it does feel like a weight off my shoulders, but am I always going to have that feeling of pretending to be who I was to those I'm 'trying to protect' when there isn't truly a need to? What I mean is, I'm not 'openly gay' around him.. I don't want to 'weird him out'... example.. we went and saw the movie Immortals two weeks ago... if you've seen it yet, you know.. lots of half naked.. really good lookin dudes. .. plus the fact that he asked if we wanted to go see a movie was interesting since he claimed it was the first time he's seen one in two years, when I know he has had the time.. but just not the 'type' of friends he'd go with? No movie dates with one of his guy friends? lol... Either way, if he did feel comfortable going to one with me cause I'm gay.. that's cool! But further to that, when we left, we didn't say anything for a few minutes while walking back to my car until he asked what I thought of the movie.. of course I wanted to say something funny like.. the dudes wernt half bad (as he cracked a joke when the 4 girls were in a circle chanting .. "niice") but couldn't because I didn't want to make anything weird. I just brought up how the fight scenes were cool. The whole ride back was really quiet.. like during the lunch before the ice was broken... these 'weird' situations where I honestly don't know what to say or when Welllll... that's it. Some of your input would be awesome.. that is, if you read the entire thing. I can't believe I wrote a book over here... didn't mean to.. almost didn't write it at all... wanted to ask this (somewhere) for a while, so I'm glad I did... even if no one reads it Cheers!
Hey, welcome to EC! I read the whole thing, and it sounds like you overall had a good experience coming out to your friend so congratulations :3 It sounds like he's been pretty accepting. Is there any real reason to think that he hasn't been? The response he wrote to your letter definitely has a lot of acceptance and respect in it; don't disregard that his initial reaction was to praise you for coming out to him, and that he wanted to know more, not less. If it really bugs you you should just ask, get it over and done with; that's what I'd do, but then again I'm pretty insecure myself <.< Being a friend, he should understand. And for what it's worth, I'd have mentioned that the guys were hot x3 He already knows you're gay, I don't really see how it would make anything awkward; just be yourself. Better than the awkward silence.
First of all - Hello Dude00, and welcome to EC. :smilewave It's always a pleasure reading about, and meeting new people here on the EmptyClosets forum. Congratulations on coming out to your best friend and co-workers. It's easy keeping it all a secret, it's not easy coming out. Even if only in a letter, it took stones to finally tell someone and that is something you should be proud of. It's awesome that your friend is so supportive of you (and can still joke about getting that officer's number, Haha). One of you will have to break those awkward silent moments, and if you both are waiting for that 'icebreaker', you're going to continue to wait... So just break it already. Extend your gratitude towards him for being understanding and also for being supportive; that it means a lot to you and that you appreciate it. Talk about it, ask and answer questions, share what's on your mind - you've shared stuff with each other before he knew, so why should it be any different now that he knows? In fact, reading your post again, I don't think it will be any different from before, aside from the different topics you'd choose to talk about. Read carefully what he sent you, more to the point, these parts of his text: " To be honest...I have always suspected (for lack of a better word) but I never judged bro. " " I respect all ppl. Good ppl. " " U are a friend and I am proud to call u that! U are a brother and I am proud to call you that! " " Nothing changes with us. " So, it would be fairly safe to assume that he still considers you his friend, that he accepts you for who you are and that nothing has to change between the two of you... he's even badgered you to take him to lunch! AND he's invited you to watch a movie with him. Go break the ice.
Hey, welcome to EC! Good to hear from you and your story. Having read your post, I have to say I can't see your friend being anything but genuine. He doesn't seem to treat you any differently from before, he doesn't judge you for telling him about your sexuality, he's even invited you to lunch and a night at the cinema. I mean, that's amazing! He regards you as a close friend I think: close enough that you can trust each other with uber-sensitive personal information like your sexuality. Don't feel tempted to act out. There are at least as many straight-acting gay men as there are otherwise. Heck, if a gay guy says to me "You look straight" - frankly, I consider it a compliment :icon_wink. Just act as if you were out to everyone and everyone treated you in exactly the same way as your uber-close friend did. That way, you can casually drop in (as and when the time comes) "Oh, I went out with my boyfriend over the weekend" without them freaking out too much over the idea. If your work colleagues see that you're comfortable, they in turn will feel more comfortable about the idea. Friends like the one you mentioned are precious. Don't waste them and don't lose them. Having that support network is vital . Hope this helps. Feel free to write to me if you need anything. Best, Doctor Faustus.
Thanks for the feedback guys! As much as I want to "feel" like everything is OK, I can't help but want to ask "are you sure?". I honestly don't know if it's something I want to pursue asking. Thinking back, I do know that he has one other gay friend, someone who he invited to his wedding, and he told me when he could come up to visit him at work, people would ask if they were really friends and he's just shrub it off, kind of "ya so what", and this guy is really flamboyant. I think deep down inside I really know, but for our relationship wise, I sort of want to be able to have more of a "buddy" relationship and joke about stuff, like the movie. *sigh*.. well again, thanks for the help guys, this place is pretty cool!
No worries! That's what we're here for: to help and support. Send him another text if you like, or write him a letter. Thank him for not judging you and stress that you really still want to be good friends with him. Just be totally honest.
Thanks for all the support, friends (even those who've read it but didn't comment, I see a lot of reads lol). A couple weeks ago, I txt'd him about the stuff I was wondering about earlier, and I FINALLY was able to get it off my shoulders! I wanted to share it earlier, but just recently found a way to copy my txt messages off my new android phone lol.. again (if it's cool) I'd like to share them. I honestly feel so blessed to have an amazing friend like him! Me: hey boss mind if I ask a stupid question besides this one? lol Him: Lol okay go ahead haah Me: i havent brought up the whole "(my name) gay thing" since that one day... just wanted to know if whenever anything comes up... if u became uncomfortable or embarrassed, u’d be willing to let me know? Him: Why would I be uncomfortable or embarrassed? Have u told anyone else? Me: not really. i dunno bro. everyone’s different, i don’t want to have to tell ppl but i don’t want to lie. last month or so, been pretty down havent felt this shitty in years. i know ur a good friend man even if im stupid lol just dont want u to be only nice if u feel differently, thats all Him: Hey man, all I want for u is to be comfortable in ur own skin. U know who u are. And u should not rely on others to make u feel happy. It comes from within. I think u should embrace it be free of it and live ur life open. U will feel much better. And if u still are not sure...u should keep searching within until there is no doubt. Me: "being me" is still something i dont yet know. just scares me to remotely think i can change who ive known into something i dont "want" to be. im already starting to feel screwed up when i question the way i act or speak, even if nothing’s changed.... i want to have an "openness" about it even joke about it.... u should know how badly i wanted to crack a joke about that movie we saw a few weeks ago i just dont / didnt know how to take it Him: Immortals? U wanted to crack a joke lol? Then do so....haha if its not something u want then maybe that's not who u are...but if it is...u should explore it and see if it makes u happy.. Me: yea that movie lol when we left u asked what i thought and hearing u say niiiice about the hot chicks made me want to saw something stupid like about the half naked dudes thruout the movie lol Him: Lol normally I wouldn't take that joke but coming from u is pretty funny lol! So if u KNOW u are gay then just embrace it bro. Don't be fake. Me: lol ty. i just dont want to be known as a "fag" ... its what people see as stereostypes and i dont think im a flamer. Him: Well u are lol j.k. u may hear me say things like that but trust I mean no disrespect. If it bothers u let me know. If u want to talk to someone...I have a friend who works in training ...he is gay...his name is (___)....I have known him since I was a kid. If u want to talk to him let me know. Me: thx jerk lol.... ya ive met (__) once when i first came to (__) in training.. for support i may take u up on that Me: would u mind if i asked a soppy question then? would u mind if i asked u to have my back with this? i know this isnt going to be a smooth ride the whole way, but having an "honest" true friend may keep me going. Him: My man whatever u need I got u....but no homo favors lol! I got u man. Just be free! Life is better that way. Me: LOL thanks man. im sorry i pussed out on ur bday over this dumb shit, but uve lifted my spirits brother
Great story man, sounds like you have a true friend. He seems like every straight acting gay guys dream friend. I think you can ask him anything you want and he will support you no matter what. I am happy for you, I hope some of my friends are that way if I ever decide to come out to them.
Dude! What a great friend! I came out to one of my best buddies first. (I'm not out to the world...yet.) He had a similarly accepting attitude, but I was nervous about how accepting he would be. In fact whenever I mention my sexual orientation to him, he always says "I don't know what you're talking about." It's a non-issue. In fact, he contacts me and invites me to things more than I do him! Like you I worried that things would change between us, instead they actually got better. On the other hand, I came out to my best childhood buddy last week. He just didn't get it. For example, he was wanting to take me to a restaurant in another country with dancers doing cultural dances from that country. He said and if you're lucky, the women will pull you up on stage and dance with you! All I could think of saying was, "Dude, I'M GAY! I'd rather dance with the guys!" But I kept my mouth shut. You are sooooo lucky to have such a friend.
