Telling My Christian Friend

[invisible manny]

Hey, I stumbled across this website and found it was just what I needed in this point in my life
I have a friend, who I'll call Natalie. She has been my friend since sophomore year in high school. Over the years we have gotten closer and became close friends. We helped each other survive our senior year and are currently going to the same college. She even wanted me to check out her church past Valentine's Day. It was a cool experience and opened my mind more to the religion. A few months ago she wanted me to join in her bible study. I thought, "Sure I'll go with you." At first I thought it was going to be a one time thing but I started going every week to the point where I have an individual teacher teaching me about the bible. I know that some Christians believe that homosexuality is a major sin and all of that stuff, but I am unsure about it in this case. They seem open, caring, and make sure that I understand the bible. I am still not 100% sure about me believing the bible is 100% from God (which is obviously a fundamental belief in Christianity). Gah, I am still unsure what I believe in I haven't seen Natalie in weeks, not even on her birthday in mid November. Maybe because of school, I don't know. I know I would have to tell my Christian peer that I am gay in order to continue (or not continue) the studies. Now Natalie, she is the most committed Christian I know. She goes to church three times a week and loves going. She is the sweetest person I know. I know that she cares for me because she wanted me to go to her church and take bible study. I'm not sure what to tell her. I'm afraid that it would be awkward because we haven't each other in like two months or her belief in homosexuality is greater than our friendship. I'm so confused... What should I do???

[Doctor Faustus]

Hey mate, welcome to EC.

If you feel strongly that you want to come out to her but aren't comfortable with confronting her directly, try writing to her. Explain how you've been feeling about your sexuality and that you know it's against her beliefs but you've decided to tell her because you hold her very close to your heart and you trust her with your personal information. Let her know how difficult things have been for you and that you don't want her to judge you but at the same time recognise that you will treat her no differently from before. Be gentle, thoughtful and sincere in your words. Don't get into religious dogma; keep it simple, personal and above all honest.

Hope this helps. Feel free to write to me if you need to.

Best,

Doctor Faustus.

[thecat06]

Originally Posted by Doctor Faustus

Hey mate, welcome to EC.

If you feel strongly that you want to come out to her but aren't comfortable with confronting her directly, try writing to her. Explain how you've been feeling about your sexuality and that you know it's against her beliefs but you've decided to tell her because you hold her very close to your heart and you trust her with your personal information. Let her know how difficult things have been for you and that you don't want her to judge you but at the same time recognise that you will treat her no differently from before. Be gentle, thoughtful and sincere in your words. Don't get into religious dogma; keep it simple, personal and above all honest.

Hope this helps. Feel free to write to me if you need to.

Best,

Doctor Faustus.

Just seconding that this is a good idea. I wrote to a few of my christian friends when I came out.

[Sadepeura]

It sounds like it's the best solution if you just tell her. You can't keep this as a secret because you are so close, she would find out eventually. And it sounds like it's important to you that she knows.

There are many varying opinions amongst Christians about what is a sin and what is not. And not everyone believes that the Bible is 100% the word of God. But it's the best we have and therefore it is holy.

I was told yesterday by a friend that I should tell my Catholic friend that I'm gay. And that she would probably take it badly at first and our friendship might go through a hard time for a while but in the end it would be okay again. I think that would be true.

But you never know, Natalie might be alright with gay people and believe that God created us to love the person we end up falling in love with. The best way to find out is to tell and discuss it with her. In the end, Christians believe that they should love everyone because we are all God's creations. "hate the sin, love the sinner" is what even anti-gay Christians believe in (appart from some radical exeptions like Westboro Baptish Church who should not even be called Christians).

[Hana Solo]

Being a strong commited Christian myself, I can say with confidence that I accepted my cross dressing boyfriend when he came out to me without hesitation, so if it is so important that she knows to you, then tell her I'm also pansexual- meaning that I don't care about gender. If I fall in love with a girl I fall in love with a girl, same for a boy. And it hasn't affected my own walk with God so I'd like to believe that He loves all. And the radicals who would persacute you for being gay don't define the whole church. Best of luck

[Messed Up]

Wow, this is tough.

Hi, I myself am a PROUD Christian and I identify as being part of the LGBTQ community so we definitely exists First off, the Bible is not 100% from God and I have never heard it being a fundamental in Christianity BUT that’s not why you’re here (maybe it helps but still, that’s not why you’re here... )

You’re here because you struggle with accepting the aspect of Christianity that finds homosexual relations sinful and evil and it tears at you and your friendship with a devout Christian. Hmmm.... well, have you ever thought about asking HER personal views on homosexuality? Don’t ask her what the Bible says (the Bible says a lot of things...), ask her what she thinks, personally. If she is favourable of the LGBTQ, tell her If not, explain to her as to why you disagree. Now, if the latter proves to be the road she goes down she may infer that you are gay and maybe in her mind you will be seen as sinful (this is just a scenario). Now, the second worst thing she could do is walk out on the conversation and not hear you out. The worst thing she could do is cut the friendship. In that case, she does not walk the Path of Christ. Christ is Acceptance, Friendship, and Above All Else, Love.

Tell me, what have you been discovering in Bible study? Have you read the passages of Christ’s Love and Understanding and the Psalms or have you been reading historical/laws? Concentrating on the Love of Christ might open any eyes that have been closed (i.e. your Bible study being closed to the LGBTQ).

In any case, think LONG and HARD before you do anything. Weigh the pros and cons of telling your friend. Start a dialogue at the Bible study. Frankly, I know it hurts, but if she doesn’t love you for who you are (if you tell her) are you sure she is a true friend? Perhaps I have overstepped a boundary but remember this;

"‎Many are saying of me, 'God will not deliver him'. But You are a Shield around me, O LORD; You Bestow Glory on me and Lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and He Answers me from His Holy Hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD Sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side." (Psa 3:2-6 NIV)

[invisible manny]

WOW, thank you everyone for such great advice
I just came out to another friend earlier today in person and I felt really good, like I can finally be myself. If I can come out to them, I can definitely tell Natalie. I never thought that I would have this much support from such wonderful people :,) I am very thankful for finding this site. I will tell Natalie in the near future, since next week are final exams :| Thank you everyone!

[thecat06]

Originally Posted by invisible manny

WOW, thank you everyone for such great advice
I just came out to another friend earlier today in person and I felt really good, like I can finally be myself. If I can come out to them, I can definitely tell Natalie. I never thought that I would have this much support from such wonderful people :,) I am very thankful for finding this site. I will tell Natalie in the near future, since next week are final exams :| Thank you everyone!

That's awesome!! Congrats!! Good luck telling Natalie and good luck on your finals!! (My finals are next week too..)

[Doctor Faustus]

Originally Posted by invisible manny

WOW, thank you everyone for such great advice
I just came out to another friend earlier today in person and I felt really good, like I can finally be myself. If I can come out to them, I can definitely tell Natalie. I never thought that I would have this much support from such wonderful people :,) I am very thankful for finding this site. I will tell Natalie in the near future, since next week are final exams :| Thank you everyone!

No worries! Let everyone know how you get on with telling her!

Best of luck . Good luck with finals!

[invisible manny]

I finally told my friend this afternoon. It didn't turn out from what I expected.

I sent her a text message last night saying that I haven't seen her in a long time and that I wanted to talk to her. She said of course and that she misses me. I met with her this morning before her bible study. I thought, "I'll start on something, go off on a tangent, and tell her." I finally told her, "I'm gay." "No you're not." This reaction was easy to explain. I thought that was a normal reaction when you tell someone something surprising. "Yes, I am " She continues, "Are you sure that you are? Because you may think that you are something but you're actually not." This was harder to explain. Is she alright that I am gay? I did not want to mention religion, so I went straight to the point. She brought God into it. She said, "There are things that will make us turn away from God. God can help you take those thoughts away." She continued to talk about me being saved, and my family being saved as well. In a sense, I believe she did not accept me. I cried and so did she. I then had to leave because someone was waiting for me to tutor them.

I did not want to think about what she said. I told my younger sister (who's a lesbian and my best friend) that I told 'Natalie'. She asked, "Did she accept you?" I did not answer. She repeated herself with a stronger tone. I slowly broke down. I was bawling that my closest friend in high school did not accept me. I know that Natalie wants to help me, or else she wouldn't be crying. She wants me to seek guidance. I don't think it is right for a person to change their orientation because it is a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex. I do not know what I like anymore. I know that I'm attracted to guys. I went out with girl not that long ago and really liked her, but not in the same way that I like a guy. It is hard to explain. I am so confused...

[Alex19]

dont change yourself for anybody. not even "God". and the bible may have been inspired by God, but it was written by man and thus subject to his flaws. keep that in mind

[thecat06]

i'm so sorry that she reacted that way. I know how confusing it can seem dealing with homosexuality and religion. I've been there before. Hopefully she will come around with some time. But like Alex 19 said, don't change for her. If anything that will show her that homosexuality is a choice.

If you need to talk feel free to write on my wall.

[Messed Up]

You can’t change yourself for God because GOD MADE YOU ABSOLUTELY PERFECT the way you are. God knows what God is doing. My heart breaks after this reaction from your friend. I’m so sorry. Deeply, I am. If you ever want to talk, scream, rant, I am more than happy to hear it...

[Hana Solo]

I am so sorry. I personally choose to believe that if God didn't want me to have these feelings, then he'd stop them. I've prayed and asked him that if it be his will that I stop having feelings for girls then he takes them away. Needless to say, he hasn't and I'm not distant from him either

Maybe she'll come around and maybe she won't. But either way, we're here for you. Keep praying and believing if you do believe. Stay proud of who you are. God created us all the way we are and if he didn't want us to have feelings for our same sex then we wouldn't have them

Same as Messed Up, if you need to talk or scream or rant or anything, my wall is open to you

[Noir]

Hey, welcome to EC! I could also use some of this advice--I met a guy over the summer during some art classes I was taking and he seemed really awesome as a friend...but then I found out that he's a homophobe and that he's seriously into religion. >< I don't wanna tell him now...

Hope everything works out for you!

[seeksanctuary]

Arsenokoites was never used in antiquity with our modern meaning of homosexual.

Awesome website. It seeks to explain how homosexuality wasn't considered a sin in the Bible. Texts speaking against temple prostitution (a form of idolatry), "call boys" and male/male rape were mistranslated to be anti-gay. I highly suggest reading over that site and learning as much as possible, and using that to defend yourself.

Don't be ashamed. God loves you as he made you-- and he made you gay. God doesn't make mistakes. If people bring your sexuality up as sinful, simply say "I am who I am and God loves me for it". If people say you need to be saved, say "I am saved; now I need to be accepted". Don't falter, don't doubt. You're not in the wrong.

[Snowflake]

I am so very sorry this turned out the way it did. My heart breaks for you. But take this from someone who went through this, you can not change who you are. I denied who I was for almost 30 years of my life. I thought that if I would just get married, devote myself to my husband (that I liked, but was never in love with), pray harder, read the scriptures more, volunteer more in the church, simply lose myself in the lord's work then maybe, just maybe, God will make this all go away. I will be fixed. I will be whole.
Guess what? I woke up one morning, and realized that being in an empty marriage, being on three different anti depressants, and despising myself so deeply that I thought the world would simply be better off without me, was absolutely no way to live. I had lived a lie my entire life and I simply couldn't do it anymore. It had to end, or I knew I wouldn't be alive for much longer.
It was the hardest step I ever took. Harder that I could have ever imagined, but I did it. My husband and I separated. I came out to the people closest to me first, and then more and more people. I lost so many good people in my life that could not reconcile me being gay with their religious beliefs. I still miss them so very much, but this was their choice, not mine. And I hold no grudges.
I am currently in the most wonderful relationship with the love of my life. Sure, life has it's challenges, but I am happy for the first time. I've found true peace. The kind that I had been looking for for so long, but never found until I started being honest with myself and stopped trying to be someone I am not and never could be.
Anyhow, my point in telling you all this is please, don't make the same mistakes that I did. There is no happiness in denying who you are, no peace in living a lie. Be who you are today, cause denying that is the ultimate insult to God. You are perfect. You are exactly who He meant you to be. You are truly His greatest creation and He made no mistake, my friend. It's our diversity that gives glory to His creation. Always remember that. Even if no one else does.

[DoctorWho]

I know how you feel I liked this one guy who is very religious and I told him now I see him every day but he hasn't spoken to me since. It was really heartbreaking but I am trying to get over it it is a little hard but one day I am sure to pull through!

[Doctor Faustus]

So sorry to hear about this man.

Don't let anyone change who you are and who you want to be. Stick to your guns. Be strong and be safe.

Best,

Dr. F.

[Fintan]

I guess I am just another gay Christian on this forum

My advice would be to give your friend time. I am not sure what denomination of Christianity she belongs to, but the denomination seems to matter quite a bit. However, from experience, so does age. I'd give her time. Like many things in life, we are taught one thing and then when we are placed in the position to confront it, we see things in a very different light. Don't change for her, but if you want to keep your friendship alive, you might need to shed some light on your struggle while she struggles with her faith.

My other piece of advice is this... If you were getting anything out of going to Church or struggling with your faith in God -- don't let ANYONE take that away from you.

Maybe you need to find another, more accepting church (there are many! just ask!), but belief in God, faith or participating in the Christian community is not something owned by heterosexuals. All sinners... All people... are welcome, you just need to find a place you feel comfortable. I, and I think many Christians on this forum, can say that faith is just too valuable to let someone take it away.

Drop me a line if you want to chat. I don't have all the answers, but I've been there.