not strong enough to come out

[littlebear133]

As strong of a person as I am my roles and jobs in lives in life I don't think ill ever be able to. You guys that can are so amazing.

[Ianthe]

Hello! Welcome to EC.

You are still questioning your sexual orientation. It's not surprising that you can't really imagine coming out yet. This is likely to change in time.

Keep in mind, too, that your options are not limited to "totally closeted" and "out to everyone." You can be out to only some people, and that can go on indefinitely. And almost no one comes out all at once. You can start with just one person, and see how it goes.

[Hidinginalabama]

There was a time when I thought the same thing but it changed over time. Just gie your self some time. Best of luck and remember it gets better.

[Dewthulu]

It's always easier to come out to a friend, or a complete stranger, than anyone you think needs to know. When you're sure of your orientation, just start with one of your friends that you trust, but aren't the best friends with.

[silverhalo]

When I first joined EC and was questioning I thought exactly the same thing, but now im out to most people so dont give up just work through each thing a step at a time and you will be ready and you will know when.

[littlebear133]

Thanls :-) its just one of my friends came out as bi. The back story is we are both wrestlers, and good ones at that. My high school and college career have brought me state titles and national all american honors, same as him. I am also very involved in my community with it, I've coach since I was in middle school and still coach today, same as him. Many of my friends have come through wrestling and many kids look up to me, same as him. When he came out, everyone kinda turned on him, his old team banned him from ever helping out, when he went back to support his team at state after graduuating everyone talked bad about him. I just don't want to go through the same. I'm also going into the marine corps, which, admittly, is starting to be more accepting, its still not exactly embrasseed. Should I just deal with it one day at a time or hold off compleltly?

[Hot Pink]

Believe it or not, for some of us it wasn't a matter of strength. Coming out to me was a matter of survival. I was suicidal, but still with a clear enough mind to still have a sliver of hope. I didn't want to die, so I found a therapist. With his help, he got me to come out of the closet about my gender identity.

[Doctor Faustus]

As Hot Pink rightly points out, it does boil down to a matter of survival but it's also about personal integrity. And being bold and brave. At this point I'd like to quote from the signature of Gravity, a good EC friend of mine:

"If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, what would you choose?"

You don't have to come out right away. Try pretending that you're out to everyone for a day. Don't tell anyone you're doing this, but just see what that feels like. When you feel like you're ready, remember you're in control. It's your life and what you do with it is ultimately no one else's business. Take it slowly: come out in your own time and on your own terms.

Stay safe and strong. It's going to be better, I promise. Write to me if you need to.

Hope this helps.

Best,

Dr. Faustus.

[silverhalo]

As others have said, just see how it goes, I wouldnt rush out and do it straight away but work up to it, it can be tough when you dont know how people will react but if the time feels right (and the time will probably be different for different people) then tell them it doesnt have to be all or nothing.

I know it is a fightening thought sometimes, but even if people react badly you will come through the other side and the worthwhile people will have stuck with you through it all, and these are the people you need not all the other hangers on.

[mike90]

Coming out is something that seems so hard, like looking at a mountain that you have to climb, but when something inside you says that you need to tell someone the mountain (although just as tall) suddenly had precut stairs in the side of it. Then after the next person you notice a handrail, and so on and so on until you are standing at the top of that mountain and telling anyone who is stuck below you that they can get up too....but first they need to find the stairs xx

[MusicMan12]

This is exactly how I feel. I'm not strong either. I wanted to tell my 2 best friends today, but I just COULD NOT get the words out of my mouth

[littlebear133]

I will say one thing, after repressing it and trying to justify my feelings so I could be straight, it felt like a knife that had be in my chest was taken away. Everytime I tried to push the thought out of my head was like adding a hundred pouunds on the knife.

[silverhalo]

I think sometimes before you can progress you have to become settled at a happy medium, you can to yourself at least stop denying it and with yourself be openly gay, check out men etc (it doesnt have to be obviously) and at least be honest with yourself, this will allow you to become more ok with all of these feelings, it doesnt mean you have to tell every person that you meet. That way you are not trying to make yourself straight or stop being gay you are just choosing not to actively go around telling people.

[Filip]

I agree with Silverhalo. There's no black-or-white here. You can be out to some people you trust, and not out to people who would probably react badly.
In fact, if you do it slowly like that, it's easier to build some support first, and then use those to come out to the harder ones.

Or at least that's how I did it in cases where it was potentially risky to come out. I can't claim similar credentials in judo as you can in wrestling (I'm already glad not to finish last in any regional tournament), but I am pretty active in the local judo club. Which was also one of the groups of people I had some real trouble coming out to. Spending a couple of hours piled on top of each other and ending the training under the shower isn't exactly conductive to telling you appreciate the male body

But yet, over time, I did manage to come out to some of the guys that I'm close to. I just went slowly, and only in one-on-one conversations, and at first only to people who I already knew were going to be accepting (it did help that my brother is in the same club, is well-respected and looked up to, and is totally supportive).
Had I come out to the whole group at once, I'm pretty sure I'd have seen the homophobic groupthink in action, but after a few guys knew and proved to be OK with it, it was more and more easy to come out to others (even if only because I could say "oh, X,Y and Z have known for weeks now, and they seemed to be pretty OK with it"). In effect, once I had about 5 or 6 people, if anyone after that would react badly, they'd get a "hey, we've known for ages, and we don't mind, so just suck it" from my friends. I came out to the last 5 or so basically all at once, knowing the rest would not stand for any bullying. I didn't make a big deal of it (more of an "oh, FYI, I'm gay"), and they seeme to take it well enough, seeing that no one else in the group seemed all that surprised.

Still doesn't mean I'm out to everyone. Mostly to some 10-odd people that I'm close to and actually hang out with outside training. I'm not going to inform the little kids, and I'm definitely not bringing it up during training. But sometimes coming out a litle bit is already enough.



Still, maybe you don't need to be starting on your wrestling pals just yet, and build some more out-ness with other friends that you can trust to be accepting and discreet. It's already liberating, and a good confidence booster.

[J Snow]

I was in a gay relationship for about three months before I told my parents around this time last year. Before that time it seemed impossible to me. Don't be discouraged, it seems just as impossible to most of us at one point. At some point it will just click and make sense. Best of luck while you wait for that time to come.

[artistbynight]

I'm terrified to come out as bisexual because evryone i know either hates lgbts or is disgusted by it.I'm a bit of an artistic and by that i mean slightly insane so I'm not that popular and i only have a few close friends.I'm 15 and I really don't want to hide but i'm terrified of peoples reactions.What am I supposed to do? can anyone help me Pls??

[Tracker57]

littlebear: I know how you feel--I think. I questioned myself for many years. Most people view me as a VERY strong person in my personality. But like you, the area of my sexual orientation is where I am very weak. But, you know, I'm actually getting stronger as I come out to more people. And I really became the strongest when I came out to myself and really stopped fighting ME! I put so much energy into denying who I was, it really drained me of my energy. But don't guilt yourself for not being as out as you think you should be. There is no magic timetable. YOU have to be the one who is comfortable with yourself and breaking the news.
Good luck, bear!