In the middle of the night last night I couldn't take it any more and emailed a good friend of mine (who lives a way away, so email is fine) and told her everything. It was such a long email, but I had to cut it short, as by the end of it I was writing that I'm not gay at all...but I managed to send it, partly cos I want someone to know what state of mind I'm in. In knew she'd be supportive, but she was really, really supportive, way more than I even expected!! And she was like, even though she could see I was conflicted, which is bad, she said she smiled, cos if my whole life does now make sense, then this epiphany was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. (I had a whole section in there on this theme, of it "being so right". That is, before I started to give explanations and excuses). She says obviously she can't tell me either way, but she did recommend I speak to this other friend of ours (who I have subseqently emailed - see below), and that I speak to some other people she knows who are gay. I emailed this other friend, but I know they're on holiday, so they may not pick it up until after Christmas. But I think, from what I know of her, that it was all be fine. In fact, this other friend was who I had in mind to tell next, if you know what I mean. - so out to two new people!! (although one has yet to reply) But concerning that other girl I sorta came out to (who has significantly fewer gay friends, and no lesbian friends, to these other two girls, but who has nevertheless stuck up for gay rights) it's all going downhill. Basically, this hasn't been mentioned between us at all, except that I was talking about who I thought was gay and then I was like, yeah, at the moment, I'm thinking everyone's gay, and then I started to talk about some guy!! Anyhow, now we are emailing each other and I'm talking about some guy that I'm supposedly pursuing!! What on earth????? But part of me does like this guy, or at least, wishes I could pursue him, if I hadn't convinced myself I was gay (ok, here we go again with the "convincing"...). Anyhow, after kinda sorta coming out to this friend, who if she picked up the hint just has completely not mentioned it, I'm back to talking about guys with her again... grrrr. But I think this is my fault: I actually have a little thing for this friend, and I hadn't intended to tell her, but I did, but now I'm back in the stupid closet again with her (which is assuming I'd ever been out of it). I was just so confused by her complete lack of reaction and cos I want her to like me I just lept back in and I'm talking about all these guys when actually it's her... But anyway, so that's 2 more out, and 1 previously out in, bringing my total "out" count to 3, with a "complicated" 4th. But apart from this 4th, everyone I have come out with is either gay/bi themselves or has a significant number of close gay friends. Apart from the complicated one, I haven't been worried about homophobic reactions with them yet (although still awaiting news from the other friend emailed). But I can't believe that I've started to lock myself in with this other one!!
That's great that you came out to some people! About the "other girl"... how about next time she mentions that guy that you are apparently "pursuing", you can just say "actually, I'm not wanting to get involved in a relationship right now because I'm having some thoughts about my sexuality" or something like that.... that way you can be sure that a) she knows for sure that you are/might be gay, and b) she'll tone down the guy-talks!
i agree with targirls' good advice commiserations about the ongoing "convincing" battle and the difficulties over your sexuality. i know just how insane and painful it is. :icon_redf one day things will sort out though. if it makes you feel better, i felt just like you for ages, but i feel i may be coming out of the woods now. my emotions are a bit clearer, & i even had a bit of an epiphany right this evening. so good luck, and try not to worry, things will improve eventually. (*hug*)
