From The Other Side

It was a summer about two and a half years ago when a good friend of mine came out to me. I remember asking him if he liked me and he then admitted that he did... at the time I was like "Wow. That's got to be hard... but I'll support you through it... no worries. I'll keep your secret". At that time I knew nothing about homosexuality aside from what I'd heard... I'd never had any prior LBGT friends and I had grown up primarily around straight guys. Considering the smallness of the St. John's, Newfoundland, I'd imagine most people who are gay stay in the closet until after high school... further disconnecting me from the reality of what it is for someone to be gay... only now have I really began to understand it.

Let me preface this by saying I am a straight male... I am not here to offend people nor am I here to try and spread bigotry. I am an ocd sufferer and suffer from gay fear ocd, one of a multitude of sexual themes that a sufferer can be diagnosed with. Interestingly, LBGT folk can suffer from straight fear ocd or bi fear ocd... or any multitude of similar fears. Regardless, I am here to tell my story, get some opinions and most of all become closer and closer to understanding the LBGT community and showing my support.

When my friend first came out to me I never really understood the struggles of what it was to be gay. I was young and naive... and I never quite understood the struggles and trauma involved in what he was going through. I decided I'd help him... and I tried my best... we are still friends today after a lot of trials and tribulations. I made my fair share of mistakes but think in the future I know better how to respond in such a situation.

Its hard to be the sole person who your friend comes out to and be the person they currently have feelings for. But you know what's even harder? Being the person who is coming out... at the time I never truly understood that and even now I still don't. I felt the pressure of a lot of negative emotions and feelings towards me but stayed a good friend through all of it. After 8 months he started coming out to a lot more people, moved on and is now the happiest he has been in his entire life. Hes now out and happy and I'm glad that my friend is now able to pursue the life he wants.

At this time it was hard for me but it was even harder for him. As his story of coming out ends mine begins. The second person he came out to scrutinized me and constantly pressured me that I too must be gay for sticking by him through it all. At the time I thought nothing of it but eventually the doubts would win... my ocd grabbed onto those false fears and for the last 11 months my life has changed.

I walk the earth plagued by anxiety, doubts and terror... always feeling like the orientation I knew was compromised. I've suffered intrusive images and thoughts... I've walked the line between depression and suicide and am still struggling against my own mind still today. But you know what? These false fears taught me something.

I never understood my friend when he came out to me... I understood it somewhat but I never truly understood what he was going through. I never truly understood how isolated, alone and how none of his straight friends could understand how he felt. Since the discovery of my ocd I have learned what it is to be misunderstood... to sound like a broken record and to be constantly plagued with questions 24/7. But through all of this I am learning something.

My ocd has made me realize how important LBGT people are to our society and how simply being "okay" with LBGT people isn't enough. Supporting LBGT folk is something I now want to actively participate in. I just want to say I'm sorry for my misunderstandings and as I "come out" as a person with ocd I just want to wish you all the best.

Thanks for reading... if you can excuse my ocd theme,
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