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Why I am the way I am...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Aeon Magus, Dec 6, 2011.

  1. Aeon Magus

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    This will be my first thread in the Coming Out section of this forum, even though I’ve included my “coming out” experience in my “Hello, Hello.” introduction thread already. My take on “coming out” - it is the realization of oneself and coming to terms with it, and then to (if you want to) come out to other people. Well, since those who have read my introduction before, the usual “coming out” is off the table. But this post is not about me coming out as a gay man. It’s solely about me and what I’ve been through up until this point that has made me the way I am. Before I get started on this, I have to extend my thanks to Doctor Faustus for his support and advice, he might not have known it, but at the time I felt like self-hurting or even worse. Weird, isn’t it? I’m always happy, cheerful or funny? It’ll become more clear as you go through the post… So, anyway, here goes… I’ll make this as quick as I can.

    I’ll start with my immediate family. As far back as I can remember, there was never a father figure for me and my two siblings (one older, the other younger). All the other kids had dads in their lives, where I didn’t. During school events or concerts, only my mom would pitch up to show her support, and that, as sad as it sounds, made me think that he didn’t care enough to show up, didn’t care at all that at moments where I needed his support he wasn’t there to make me feel less insignificant compared to the kids who had theirs there for them. His presence would have made the world of difference. Or so I thought. I only found out much later that my mom and dad got divorced when I was barely a year old. Naturally, this broke me, having to find out that the one person whose support I needed back then, was an abusive husband and would force himself on my mother throughout their marriage. A few months afterwards, he disowned his children (me and my older brother) so he wouldn’t have to pay child support, or be reminded that he had children with my mom. It disgusted me at one stage that I had his blood running through my veins and that I may turn out the same way. Even now, I battle to keep myself in check, to not act on anything that would normally anger or upset me, because that would be confirming the whole “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” crap. It’s why I don’t hold grudges for very long; why I’m “mostly” a cheerful person… because I try really hard not to be like the asshole my biological father is.
    In my primary school years, the constant "you could have done better" in everything I did really screwed up my self-esteem. Confidence was a luxury I didn’t have, as it was gradually being picked off little by little, even though I put my best forward. So I stopped trying to do better, because no matter how high my grades were, my mom wouldn’t acknowledge my efforts in trying to make her proud, I mean, a pat on the back would have been nice every once in a while. This 'stopped trying' is not exactly because I gave up, it's because I realized that no matter how much I improved in my school work, she wouldn't be happy or satisfied with it. My mom had skyscraper expectations, and took it out on me. Not my two brothers... me. For a child between the ages of 8 and 13, that is just a ridiculous amount of pressure.

    I am also reclusive, or introverted, because of my family. The major cause for this lies with my brothers. While I’m talking, they would interrupt me. It didn’t matter what I had to say, nor did it matter that I was answering a question of theirs. Mid-sentence, they would just cut me short and continue chattering among themselves as if I wasn’t part of the discussion. On top of this, my older brother would solve disputes physically, rather than talk things through. I’ll just say I had more bruises back then, than anything else. The other cause, though only in small part, would be my mother. She would completely ignore me. I would stand beside her, having told her something and wait for her to say something, then only after a while she would turn to look at me, albeit with a confused expression, as if she only then saw me standing there. Sure, she'd talk to me on the off occasion, when she needed something, or lecture me to do better at my school work or whatever else. It made me feel like I didn't matter to any of them. That they also didn’t give a damn about me, like that other person did. So I started to withdraw. I was (and still am) a quiet person. It's seldom that I even say a word... Posting messages on forums and message boards, text messaging and talking via an IM application, is basically the only way I communicate, or prefer to, anyway.

    And then there is the boys’ technical high school I went to. It was a horrible place, where you had to go day-to-day trying to survive the bullying of the older students. It was relatively safe, but one couldn't just walk around alone without some idiot bullying you. When I got there, my first day of grade 8, the school still had "ontgroening", where the grade 12 students would pick a grade 8 learner to be their “slave”, for lack of a better word. It’s something very similar to initiations. You’d be subjected to all manner of degrading and embarrassing things, of which carrying their bags and/or books beside them was the least humiliating. You'd have a pet rock that you had to carry around and you're told that it's your best friend. You have to talk to it (on some occasions ‘made’ to talk with it, by the grade 12 student that was in charge of you). You were to care for it, wash it, even to clothe it if your grade 12 student said it’s what your “best friend” wanted. Also, you were supposed to wear black refuse bags over your uniform because they see you as ‘garbage’ in the school, something that was pointed out to you on a regular basis. During my initiation, I was "ordered" to propose to a grade 12 girl (yes, there were girls in the boys school too), as a joke by my grade 12 student. She rejected the proposal and continued to make fun of me for being of no value to her or anyone else I would later get together with. A bit extreme, don’t you think? Meh… Then, at the end of these initiations, they'd choose a nickname for you, and they weren’t particularly of the “nice” variety. In my grade 8 class, there were two boys who came from the same primary school I did, and to mess with me, they made up outlandish stories of my exploits in the previous school. The stories spread throughout the grade, then the school. Students would avoid me, walk half-moons around me to avoid coming into contact with me. I was basically alone in that school. With what's been going on in class and in the courtyard, as well as with my mother pressuring me to do better, I shut down and my grades subsequently took a nose-dive for the worst. It was around this time that I also figured out I was different, that I had an attraction to boys instead of girls. So, I hid that from everyone, not wanting to give students more ammo to unload onto me. Around grade 10, I wanted to leave school, to leave all that crap behind me, to start looking toward alternatives, like home schooling. My mother was against the idea, so I had to go back to that place. I started writing really dark poetry, really sad and disturbing things. I thought of suicide sometimes, even on how to go through with it. Once, I even tried to, but I can safely say that popping back an entire box of sleeping pills does not work at all. I woke up the next morning as if nothing had changed, had to eat breakfast and get ready for school... again. The other options would have been too painful, that pain along with what I was already going through would have made it unbareable, so I didn't go through with them. However bad things were there, I made it through high school, however battered and scarred with the torment I had to undergo.

    I started working as soon as I got out of school. My mother was a single parent, so I didn't have the prospect of studying after school, to pursue the writing career I wanted, or even to study psychology (for self-diagnosing and self-treatment, then to possibly help others with the same problems). I was stuck with a job that didn't make me happy. Then, at 19, I came out to my brothers. They already knew, my younger brother being leagues more supportive than the older (who just shook his head at me). I went on to come out to my grandparents, who took it really well, and they supported me. Then, I had to tell my mother. I should tell you, it wasn't something I looked forward to, I knew how she was - her being indifferent when it comes to my problems and her irrational religious views. I had her sit down, told her that I had something to tell her, though she didn't want to hear it at first. She had “something else to do” and I was busy wasting her time. So I just blurted out that I am gay. She sat there staring at me for a while. I thought she was just taking it all in. She got up and walked over to her bible, picked it up and turned around to face me again. The quiet before the storm… She went on a rant, that what I am is an abomination in the eyes of her lord; that I am a sinner; I'm a selfish son, putting myself before her, and her lord; That I should rather reconsider my orientation, to spare HER the shame... I told her it's who I am, that I can't change it, and I needed her support. She told me that if that was the case, then I'm not her son as of that moment. She told me to pack my bags and get out of her house. She would have disowned me if my grandmother hadn't stepped in and slapped some sense into her.

    It’s been six years since that unfortunate day happened, yet I’m still as ‘damaged’ as I was back then. I still don’t talk much. I put on a smile everyday, I try to be/act funny as well, just to avoid confrontation - to hide what I’m feeling. I know it’s not mentally healthy to keep on doing this, but it’s already part of who I am and I just can’t seem to change that.
    Is it even possible to get past all this?
     
  2. Sartoris

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    I don't even know what to say, other than I'm sorry for everything you've gone through but in answer to your final question [not sure if it's supposed to be rhetorical, through,] yes I think it is. Regardless of the pain and angst you've experienced, you've been able to get through it and in time you'll be able to move beyond it. You've managed to come out to your immediate family, which is difficult for even those who have been on good terms with their families.

    Of course, I don't know you or how you're feeling right now but I'd say that with the above and your ability to be open about these things to others [even if it's online] is definitely a good sign. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Artemicion

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    I have to say, you've been through a lot. More than me at least, that I can say. I've had somewhat similar experiences, but yours is much more...on the other side of the spectrum. You're a strong person and you made it through. I'm sure you can get past it all when you find the person you love and they share the same feelings back. Maybe then things of the past will be just a dream? But how would I know when I haven't found my own partner yet :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:.

    Good luck and keep strong! Feel free to post me messages if you like :slight_smile:.
     
  4. hiddenxrainbows

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    I am soo sorry that you've had to go through all that crap. I've went through some similar stuff as well, though not as bad. And then, I've went through some different stuff, too. But that's another story. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Umm you actually reminded me of my boyfriend a little bit. With the whole thing with your dad. I've talked to my boyfriend, and his mum, a bit about their past. His parents are divorced; they got divorced when he was little because his dad was a complete asshole, like yours seems to be. And I think that's messed with my bf's head quite a bit. Though he's sort of still in contact with his dad. His dad was actually supposed to visit him for Thanksgiving, but then later bailed because he didn't want to spend the money to travel. What an ass, right? >_> I think maybe my boyfriend was hoping a little bit that his dad had changed a bit (because he's always bailing like that), but yet again, he was disappointed. Poor kid.
    And my boyfriend's been through some other shit, too. When he was younger, he was really quite with his family. His mum tried getting him to open up to her, but he kinda just pushed her away. And he was a bit of a hell-raiser. He would actually be in jail right now, if his mum hadn't of bailed him out...

    But now, he seems alright. I think his past has scarred him a little bit. But he's much happier and open than he used to be. And I believe that if you give it time, you'll eventually be able to get past this stuff. In your own time, & in your own way.
    Heck, my mum died when I was six; and it took me literally like ten years to finally, fully get past that. So you're not alone in that. Sometimes, it's just not easy.
     
  5. Eli

    Eli Guest

    I wish I could offer some more profound advice, other than the fact that I am so sorry you've had to go through all of that. I guess I would say focus on the positives, like your younger brother and grandparents' reactions. Of course, trying to just "be happy" all the time is unreasonable- what I mean is, just don't lose sight of the good and caring reactions you've had from your family amongst the negative ones.
    My other piece of advice would be to seek out an lgbt support group in your area. If you live near a university, there's probably one on their campus. There are also support groups like pflag or a whole lot of others you can find on wikipedia (and of course there are online groups like this one). A physical group in your area might be able to offer more specific resources, including counseling and peer mentoring, which might be particularly helpful.
    Above all, please make a promise to yourself to contact someone, anyone, when you're feeling suicidal. Even if it's this forum, don't do anything without talking to someone. Sometimes it feels like tomorrow isn't worth it, but I assure you that the future definitely is.