Coming out to Mom Tommorow - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Aielar · 6th Dec 2011, 08:38 PM

So yeah. I made the decision today that if I didn't come out soon to my mother then I would explode (not literally lol). I'm hoping it goes smoothly, or if she doesn't take it well then hopefully she'll adjust within a few days. But yeah. I wrote a letter (see below) and will be giving it to her tomorrow along with the pflag for parents thing right as I go for a walk with the dog for an hour or so, and then hopefully coming back to a good reaction.

This is the letter that I am going to be giving her tomorrow.

So, er…this is it, in a sense. I’ve finally made my decision to step out onto a weaker branch, metaphorically speaking, and hope that I get a positive reaction from you. Internally, even approaching this subject with you is a terrifying prospect to me: we’ve never really discussed anything to do with being gay, so I have no idea to know how you will react to the news that I am, in all sense of the term, a black sheep of the family. You’ve never even mentioned the subject, as far as I can remember, so I’m honestly hoping I will be accepted by you after you find out the truth. The truth about me – that I am bisexual – is being more and more difficult to keep from you, and so finally it reached a point where I had to come out or I would explode.

I feel like I’ve been distancing myself from you lately as well as putting up a wall between us (at least in my mind), and part of the reason for that is because I am scared beyond all belief that you may react negatively, and I’ve been attempting to prepare myself to face rejection if it happens. There isn’t really any fool proof method I can do to ensure I am ready to not see you again, so I sincerely hope that you will accept me for who I am, even if it doesn’t happen immediately. For myself, I went through self-loathing and harboring desires to kill myself for ten months before reaching a stage of self-acceptance. I left talking to my family members about my sexual orientation to last because I truly did fear being cut off from my family. I’ve told many of my friends about the fact that I identify as one who swings both ways regarding sexual orientation, and even though some of them haven’t reacted in the way I hope the majority of people I have told gave me positive feedback.

Coming out of the closet takes a lot of courage and a lot of trust for those who I have come out to so far. I am still the same person you knew before I came out to you. My hope is that you’ll continue to love and support me no matter which sexuality I identify with. I am aware that the generation you grew up in is much different from mine, and that in the time you grew up it wasn’t exactly socially acceptable to be gay or anything of the sort. I’m hoping that if you heard about how wrong some people consider being gay is, that you will be able to overcome those words and still love me for me.

I’ve only known for approximately a year, which may not seem long enough to know for sure, but I can say with certainty my sexual orientation is not just a phase and it’s not something anyone can change, especially myself.When I first discovered this part of myself, my biggest issue with being a member of the lgbtq minority was what your reaction would be when I eventually shared this knowledge with you. The second reason I saved disclosing my sexual orientation to you is because I’ve heard from various sources that this piece of knowledge is one of the hardest things for a parent to become aware of and perhaps accept, even if the acceptance doesn’t happen right away.

Instead of feeling like you have lost something which you might feel, instead I ask that you to feel like you’ve gained something: my trust and complete honesty in you.
Because believe me, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the closet to anyone, and even though it does get gradually easier the more times I come out of the closet, it’s still a challenge every single time. I want to mention that me being gay isn’t your fault, and nothing you did caused it. You were a great parent, and I know that if you hadn’t raised me then I’d probably addicted to drugs, and definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. It took me a year to accept the fact that I was part of a sexual minority, so I will understand if you take a while to come to terms.

I will leave the next step to you. You can either choose to talk to me when I get back from walking the dog, and we’ll talk, or to ignore me. But it won’t change me. It is time that I started living my own life, rather than a pretend one. This may be hard on you, but think of it this way: it has been hard on me for the last year. I am not being selfish - instead, I am offering you the chance to get to know me better.

alex2020 · 6th Dec 2011, 08:58 PM

Good luck!

Nat3 · 6th Dec 2011, 10:08 PM

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Aielar · 6th Dec 2011, 10:11 PM

Thank you :3 EC will be one of the first to know

thecat06 · 6th Dec 2011, 10:37 PM

Good Luck!!

**Gerry** · 7th Dec 2011, 12:05 AM

Best of luck coming out to your mom tomorrow. I hope it goes very smoothly for you and please let us know how it turns out.

Ralivar · 7th Dec 2011, 04:02 AM

Good Luck coming out to your mum, and I hope that it does go well for you.

Doctor Faustus · 7th Dec 2011, 04:54 AM

Very best of luck.

Debug · 7th Dec 2011, 05:31 AM

Very best of luck. I hope it goes well for you!

Aielar · 7th Dec 2011, 08:15 AM

Klecko Klecko for the support everyone :3

Cookie34 · 7th Dec 2011, 01:17 PM

Good luck and I hope everything goes well!
We are all here for you

Foxywolf · 7th Dec 2011, 06:31 PM

Good luck!

Aielar · 7th Dec 2011, 07:45 PM

So, I went to her house today and left my letter along with some information from PFLAG...she's tried to call me several times, but I couldn't make myself answer the phone. So yeah. She does know where to find me though, if she wants to talk to me that badly...I'm just too nervous to answer the phone when she calls me :s

fiddledeedee · 7th Dec 2011, 11:26 PM

Well done on telling her! I hope she has taken it well. It's understandable that you don't want to answer the phone.

Cool25 · 8th Dec 2011, 06:04 AM

Good luck! I've had a bad coming out to my mother but despite everything I don't regret it and it seems that a truly bad reaction is in the minority. I hope everything goes well

**Chip** · 8th Dec 2011, 10:50 AM

Congrats on sharing the information with your mom and letting her know. The challenge now is actually speaking to her. I think you need to actually talk to her without making her come find you, because I think that will be much better for you in terms of how the discussion goes. My guess is she'll be supportive. But even if she isn't initially, if you initiate the call, you can also sort of "keep control" of the situation and if she starts getting unpleasant, you can simply tell her you're going to need to end the conversation.

But seriously... the hard part is over. You've told her. Now it's just readjusting the relationship with the new information she has. Please keep us informed!

Aielar · 8th Dec 2011, 04:16 PM

Thanks Chip

Yeah, I'm going to go talk to her as soon as possible, I'm just waiting for my friend - who is also gay - to go with me to her house for moral support. I'm starting to get the idea that since she keeps trying to reach me on the phone, she wants to continue speaking with me. So yeah. Thanks everyone, things seem to be working out in a positive way

Daisy1 · 9th Dec 2011, 10:51 AM

Hope it's going well. Thinking of you!

dennisvkn · 9th Dec 2011, 12:09 PM

Congrats that you told her, and good luck with talking to her, it seems like she is worrying about you, everything will go well.

Aielar · 9th Dec 2011, 06:12 PM

So, just had a discussion about the letter I gave to her on Tuesday, and it's fair to say that the conversation went alright. She pretty much said she didn't feel there was anything wrong with being gay, but she didn't think I knew for sure, putting it down to a phase of being a 'teenager'. At least she didn't cut me off completely, which was my main concern. So yeah, it went alright. Thanks EC

6th Dec 2011, 08:38 PM	#1
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Coming out to Mom Tommorow So yeah. I made the decision today that if I didn't come out soon to my mother then I would explode (not literally lol). I'm hoping it goes smoothly, or if she doesn't take it well then hopefully she'll adjust within a few days. But yeah. I wrote a letter (see below) and will be giving it to her tomorrow along with the pflag for parents thing right as I go for a walk with the dog for an hour or so, and then hopefully coming back to a good reaction. This is the letter that I am going to be giving her tomorrow. So, er…this is it, in a sense. I’ve finally made my decision to step out onto a weaker branch, metaphorically speaking, and hope that I get a positive reaction from you. Internally, even approaching this subject with you is a terrifying prospect to me: we’ve never really discussed anything to do with being gay, so I have no idea to know how you will react to the news that I am, in all sense of the term, a black sheep of the family. You’ve never even mentioned the subject, as far as I can remember, so I’m honestly hoping I will be accepted by you after you find out the truth. The truth about me – that I am bisexual – is being more and more difficult to keep from you, and so finally it reached a point where I had to come out or I would explode. I feel like I’ve been distancing myself from you lately as well as putting up a wall between us (at least in my mind), and part of the reason for that is because I am scared beyond all belief that you may react negatively, and I’ve been attempting to prepare myself to face rejection if it happens. There isn’t really any fool proof method I can do to ensure I am ready to not see you again, so I sincerely hope that you will accept me for who I am, even if it doesn’t happen immediately. For myself, I went through self-loathing and harboring desires to kill myself for ten months before reaching a stage of self-acceptance. I left talking to my family members about my sexual orientation to last because I truly did fear being cut off from my family. I’ve told many of my friends about the fact that I identify as one who swings both ways regarding sexual orientation, and even though some of them haven’t reacted in the way I hope the majority of people I have told gave me positive feedback. Coming out of the closet takes a lot of courage and a lot of trust for those who I have come out to so far. I am still the same person you knew before I came out to you. My hope is that you’ll continue to love and support me no matter which sexuality I identify with. I am aware that the generation you grew up in is much different from mine, and that in the time you grew up it wasn’t exactly socially acceptable to be gay or anything of the sort. I’m hoping that if you heard about how wrong some people consider being gay is, that you will be able to overcome those words and still love me for me. I’ve only known for approximately a year, which may not seem long enough to know for sure, but I can say with certainty my sexual orientation is not just a phase and it’s not something anyone can change, especially myself.When I first discovered this part of myself, my biggest issue with being a member of the lgbtq minority was what your reaction would be when I eventually shared this knowledge with you. The second reason I saved disclosing my sexual orientation to you is because I’ve heard from various sources that this piece of knowledge is one of the hardest things for a parent to become aware of and perhaps accept, even if the acceptance doesn’t happen right away. Instead of feeling like you have lost something which you might feel, instead I ask that you to feel like you’ve gained something: my trust and complete honesty in you. Because believe me, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the closet to anyone, and even though it does get gradually easier the more times I come out of the closet, it’s still a challenge every single time. I want to mention that me being gay isn’t your fault, and nothing you did caused it. You were a great parent, and I know that if you hadn’t raised me then I’d probably addicted to drugs, and definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. It took me a year to accept the fact that I was part of a sexual minority, so I will understand if you take a while to come to terms. I will leave the next step to you. You can either choose to talk to me when I get back from walking the dog, and we’ll talk, or to ignore me. But it won’t change me. It is time that I started living my own life, rather than a pretend one. This may be hard on you, but think of it this way: it has been hard on me for the last year. I am not being selfish - instead, I am offering you the chance to get to know me better.

6th Dec 2011, 08:58 PM	#2
alex2020 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everybody important, and anybody who asks. Location: Florida Age: 19 Posts: 1,437 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good luck! __________________ “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”

6th Dec 2011, 10:08 PM	#3
Nat3 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Human Out Status: Everyone who asks. Location: USA, Kansas Age: 21 Posts: 291 Join Date: Dec 2010	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good luck. Keep us posted.

6th Dec 2011, 10:11 PM	#4
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Thank you :3 EC will be one of the first to know

6th Dec 2011, 10:37 PM	#5
thecat06 EC's Biggest LNJF and SNL fan!! Full Member Gender: Let's say Pangender! Orientation: Let's say gay!! Out Status: Out to parents, campus, and 75 friends on facebook Location: Central and Northern Ohio Age: 19 Posts: 2,504 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good Luck!! __________________ So many years have passed, since I proclaimed my independence, my mission, my aim, and my vision, so secure, content to live each day like it's my last, it's wonderful to know, that I could be, something more than what I dreamed, far beyond what I could see -Dream Theater

7th Dec 2011, 12:05 AM	#6
Gerry We're all a little mad! EC Moderator Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Some people Location: Las Vegas Age: 24 Posts: 5,551 Join Date: Jan 2008	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Best of luck coming out to your mom tomorrow. I hope it goes very smoothly for you and please let us know how it turns out. __________________ "Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality".-James Baldwin

7th Dec 2011, 04:02 AM	#7
Ralivar EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: Sydney, Australia Age: 23 Posts: 1,336 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good Luck coming out to your mum, and I hope that it does go well for you. __________________ I didn't know someone like you could ever like someone like me.

7th Dec 2011, 04:54 AM	#8
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,610 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Very best of luck. __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.

7th Dec 2011, 05:31 AM	#9
Debug Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Straight with ocd Location: St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada Posts: 66 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Very best of luck. I hope it goes well for you!

7th Dec 2011, 08:15 AM	#10
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Klecko Klecko for the support everyone :3

7th Dec 2011, 01:17 PM	#11
Cookie34 Well Known Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Family only Location: England, Birmingham Posts: 101 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good luck and I hope everything goes well! We are all here for you __________________ Come To The Darkside....We Have Cookies! xD

7th Dec 2011, 06:31 PM	#12
Foxywolf EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: 95% Lesbian Out Status: One foot out of the closet (Out to 10 people) Location: New York State, near Rochester Age: 19 Posts: 322 Join Date: Jan 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good luck! __________________ "Say what you mean and mean what you say because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

7th Dec 2011, 07:45 PM	#13
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow So, I went to her house today and left my letter along with some information from PFLAG...she's tried to call me several times, but I couldn't make myself answer the phone. So yeah. She does know where to find me though, if she wants to talk to me that badly...I'm just too nervous to answer the phone when she calls me :s

7th Dec 2011, 11:26 PM	#14
fiddledeedee 22/12-31/12+X! Full Member Gender: Complicated female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Most, sans Dad Location: England Age: 15 Posts: 1,128 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Well done on telling her! I hope she has taken it well. It's understandable that you don't want to answer the phone. __________________ A problem should be measured not by the cause of the problem but by the consequences it has on a person. ~ Anfauglith

8th Dec 2011, 06:04 AM	#15
Cool25 Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Posts: 57 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Good luck! I've had a bad coming out to my mother but despite everything I don't regret it and it seems that a truly bad reaction is in the minority. I hope everything goes well

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8th Dec 2011, 10:50 AM	#16
Chip EC Advisor EC Admin Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northern CA Posts: 5,581 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Congrats on sharing the information with your mom and letting her know. The challenge now is actually speaking to her. I think you need to actually talk to her without making her come find you, because I think that will be much better for you in terms of how the discussion goes. My guess is she'll be supportive. But even if she isn't initially, if you initiate the call, you can also sort of "keep control" of the situation and if she starts getting unpleasant, you can simply tell her you're going to need to end the conversation. But seriously... the hard part is over. You've told her. Now it's just readjusting the relationship with the new information she has. Please keep us informed!

8th Dec 2011, 04:16 PM	#17
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Thanks Chip Yeah, I'm going to go talk to her as soon as possible, I'm just waiting for my friend - who is also gay - to go with me to her house for moral support. I'm starting to get the idea that since she keeps trying to reach me on the phone, she wants to continue speaking with me. So yeah. Thanks everyone, things seem to be working out in a positive way

9th Dec 2011, 10:51 AM	#18
Daisy1 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Girls Out Status: Pretty much out! Location: East Coast Age: 26 Posts: 307 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Hope it's going well. Thinking of you!

9th Dec 2011, 12:09 PM	#19
dennisvkn EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Bi (Kinsey 3-4) 70% Gay Out Status: Almost everyone but family. Location: FL Age: 15 Posts: 181 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow Congrats that you told her, and good luck with talking to her, it seems like she is worrying about you, everything will go well.

9th Dec 2011, 06:12 PM	#20
Aielar Timmies Lover <3 Full Member Gender: Possibly bigendered? Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: All but family Location: Vancouver Island Posts: 221 Join Date: Nov 2011	Re: Coming out to Mom Tommorow So, just had a discussion about the letter I gave to her on Tuesday, and it's fair to say that the conversation went alright. She pretty much said she didn't feel there was anything wrong with being gay, but she didn't think I knew for sure, putting it down to a phase of being a 'teenager'. At least she didn't cut me off completely, which was my main concern. So yeah, it went alright. Thanks EC