1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Stumbling along

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by stumble along, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    hi i just joined recently and after accepting myself that i was bi i joined here to get some support since im not all too keen with trusting actual living people, the internet surprisingly is a great place to keep secrets.

    if its ok id like to kind of keep this as a log to see what ive done and how i change, and so you guys can get to know me alittle :icon_bigg

    anyway ive been planning on telling the two closest people i would associate with the term "friend" that i was bi for some time now.

    one lives in California and the other here in Georgia, so i should be skyping him soon and i told the one that lives here today.

    i knew she would take it well but i was still nervous as fluck about what exactly i was going to say to her, because i also really like her.

    but when the time came i found it really hard to be able to say the words "im bi" but i eventually coughed it up. and it turns out that she's bi too! she gave me a hug and we walked back to the lunch area (pulled her aside to tell her) and thanked me for telling her.
    unfortunately i forgot to say i also liked her so ill have to save that for tonight or tomorrow, and now i have alot of questions for her like who else do you know is lgbt, anyone you used to or still like yada yada, and i trust her enough so that i can do the same with her.

    for the guy though, im still planning on what to do, i know he'll take it well (almost all my friends are ridiculously liberal, and im about 10 steps ahead of them) but itd be weird since im terrible at talking to guys and that i used to have the biggest thing for him for awhile, and im now interested in his friend and they kind of have a bromance going on sooooooo, yeah. do you guys think i should tell them i crushed/am crushing on them and should i tell the guy i like?

    i wont be telling my parents until i am completely independant because they have threatened to cut me off if i was gay (friends trolled me by going to a gay website and parents noticed it on my phone before i did)

    im still really edgy with some stuff though, like i cant look at guys without feeling ashamed and i really cant see myself in 10 years with a man, and i feel bad if i ever try to watch porn (which i do literally in a blue moon) and i keep wondering if my brother is lgbt as well and ive told myself that if that happened i would have to man up and marry a woman and have kids to keep the family going for another generation

    but then to contrast that i really really want a relationship that i just get to completley spoil my girl/boyfriend and do all that mushy gushy stuff with

    and then to contrast those both i just sometimes think i should just give the the world a gigantic finger and be alone for my life because thats what my character type is.

    so yeah this was supposed to be short but thanks for reading the whole thing, so far not alot have actually read the long posts lol

    and for those that skip to the end:

    hi i know what i am and accept it but some part of me really wish i wasnt
    came out to a trusted friend and she took it well shes also bi
    coming out to another trusted friend real soon
    stay tuned
     
  2. sometimesbetter

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2011
    Messages:
    146
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Take it slow. Your thoughts are far too many. One thing I've learned from life (and I've only lived 20 years, so I don't know if that says anything about me) is take things one "goal" at a time. You told one friend––that's good. Now you have to tell another friend––that's really good. But, forget about the future. Seriously. I thought about the future and I became depressed. Take it one day at a time. Forget if your brother is LGBT. Forget pressures from home. Focus on what feels right, RIGHT now. And remember to just enjoy today for what today is.
     
  3. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    ive told myself that alot of times, even other people have told me i need to just chill, but i really cant, almost everything i love or want to achieve is there in the future, if i dont worry about getting to that point i may lose it entirely

    and if im not worrying about my brother being lgbt or not its that he goes to the same school as i do, so if i try to be casual about being bi if it reaches him i dont want him blabbing away or getting bullied because of me.

    literally at home is were alot of the stress is because i dont like my family, the only people i like are some of my cousins, my grandfather, and my aunts, and my grandmothers side of the family. my dad is barely home save the weekends and major holidays, and even then theres no connection. my mother is just awful, and me and my brother rarley get along. the only things i get alon with in the house everyday are my dogs, my snake, my fish, and before that my parrot before she died (their fault)

    the only thing i can hope for is the future, if that doesnt turn out ok, what will?
     
  4. lol, you sound like me. Having too many thoughts. Dude, everything in the future turns out ok, even if you don't see it. Family can be a bitch, trust me I know it. With a step father that never shuts the hell up, and a mother that just bitches constantly. If you love your bro, he will understand.
     
  5. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    i sound heartless but being honest i really dont care all that much about the family...
    if i had a choice between staying at school or going home, id much rather stay at school, at least there i can actually avoid the people that annoy the hell out of me.

    id rather help everyone else than help myself and i tend to put myself last in priorities, its caused a couple health issues as well as being socially awkward so you can kind of see why i like the future more than anything else.

    im talking with the person i just came out to right now and theres more people than i thought that are out
     
  6. Hana Solo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2011
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Not even a dot on the Australian map
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Sounds like you've a lot on your plate. Want my advice? Just take it easy. Sit back, take a deep breath, and do something you enjoy and let your sexuality become part of you, rather than defining you :slight_smile:
     
  7. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    i mean being bi hasnt really affected my life as much as others would think
    its not like i went into depression because of it, that was from something else
    ive actually been kind of ok with not telling people i like them because frankly i only start thinking about an actual relationship when i meet a girl i really like, and then from there it gets all wibbly wobbly
    ok yeah sometimes i get depressed over the fact i cant just run up to a guy and start a conversation but i think im coming out because i want to stop lying to everyone else, i dont mind lying to myself (i tend to treat myself like a piece of crap most of the time), but with that comes that cool i get to be a little more out there with myself and maybe once i get more comfortable id stop being so flipping awkward around new people.

    and tell me about having a full plate, mine is stacked to the cieling and around the floor.

    kind of gotten depressed about it...

    and to sum up yesterday me and her talked about all the guys and girls we liked (respectivley) and it turns out im wayyy more of a crusher than i thought i was, ill just list out some fake names and just give a quick description

    thomas- doesnt mind breaking the rules abit, smart, built, maybe 5'10-6' , jock-ish, football/basket ball player

    troy- really chill, i know he does weed but not consistently, 5'8ish, nice, id say not that smart but certainly not an imbecile, lean

    brandon- 5'8, smart, nice, ocaasional weed smoker (troy and brandon are bromancing)
    really good with math, real life stereotypical asian (like, tons of friends, straight As without trying, etc), lean (like standard muscle mass, hasnt used weights)

    jeremy- zomg frenchie, built, just adorable, 5'10-6', clever

    hayden- from what ive got so far without talking, an asshole, but a very good looking asshole who i suspect to be alittle queer

    dan- swimmer, just a friend but i cant really stop thinking about him in that way
    5'10-6', clever

    slate- 5'9, builtish, clever, hands down best hair ever, nice smile

    logan- 5'10, nice, a little odd, cute, similar interests


    anywayyyyyyyy ive only actually have talked to jeremy,dan,brandon,logan and troy
    the rest are just people that ive seen too many times that are god looking.

    i also only recently got interested in logan because well hes cute and all and nice and we have similar interests, but seriously what kind of guy talks to another guy holding his crotch like its about to explode. i can understand it if its with sports but we were sitting by ourselves and he was doing it under the table wtf

    also im sending thomas a secret santa message (not gonna put my name on it lolol)
     
  8. Weswi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2011
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Netherlands
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You shouldn't think too much about it, take your time and believe me after a while you can't imagine that you have been worrying so much about it:icon_bigg I hope this message makes sense because I am half asleep:sleep:
     
  9. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    but whos going to give a crap if i dont? i really just cant stop thinking, even when im not doing anything i cant stop thinking about everything.

    all i know is that i cant wait for the semester to end because then a gigantic weight will have lifted from my shoulders and i can think about less stuff, mainly school (im starting a club next semester and then some work for economics) and then when school starts again it gets put back on and then some (club, tennis,s;j;sdlfj;sldg)

    i can tank it but im reaching my limit (sorry for the videogame lingo )

    :dry:
     
  10. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    i told my other best friend just now
    i couldnt wait till friday to tell him i said fuck it ill just tell him

    took it better than i thought, didnt really care hahaha
    thank goodness he didnt ask any questions or i would have been like ummmmmmmm

    so ive told a girl and a guy i knew 100% would be ok with it

    lets up the anty

    lets tell a religious friend :grin:
    he should be ok with it too though he might be a bit ticked cuz ive seen him almost naked

    and then ill tell the crush of my life

    i feel all weird before i tell them, but it's a pretty sweet ride up until that point.
     
  11. Hana Solo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2011
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Not even a dot on the Australian map
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I told my school chaplain. I consider her a good friend. And I got the 'man and woman' speech. She told me to 'resist the devil' :dry: I nearly walked out. Be careful with religion. It made me feel crap like I was sinning when I got that from her. Then I talked to my dad and he assured me that I'm not and made me feel much better :slight_smile: He also told me to tell her to sod off :lol: But feel free to tell him if you think he'll take it well. Don't judge the people you tell based on their beliefs but who they are.
     
  12. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    so far ive only officially told those two people and im still waiting on the other two but i kind of already came out sorta to two others.

    i was on tumblr on my phone and i was showing a friend what i posted and i forgot i recently re-blogged a photo of two guys kissing each other (not x-rated)
    he was like duuude i hate it when that happens when people post gay porn on their feeds
    (i actually didn't know that people could do that i found the picture elsewhere)
    he didn't know what my tumblr was so he assumed someone else posted it
    but i went ahead and said " idk i think its kinda hot "
    he then gave me this look like :eek: so i think he took it well but by surprise.

    and then i did the same thing later that day with someone else and they couldn't stop laughing at what i said.

    and also holy crap i still cant get over the guy in my second period.
    i angrily messaged him asking him why he was always staring at me every single day and he said he was zoning, which i admit was stupid on my part because then he stopped doing it so often and i couldnt just walk over and say hi. but he still looks at me and we arent friends on facebook but i still message him and he replies faster than anyone else i know.
    we might have the same class second period again and ill try to sit near him but still i cant get over him and i dont want to put him so high up that i get disappointed later.

    i wish i had the ability to read and mess with minds so i can tell him how i feel and see if he does the same way.
     
  13. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    so with my religious friend

    i took the cautious route

    i lied and said i had a project for government where we get friends to state their opinions :eusa_liar

    one was lgbt

    his response was less than expected

    so i think im going to hold off on that one for a bit.

    "it's adam eve, not adam and steve"

    yup.....:confused:

    i even asked him if a friend was lgbt would he change his mind

    still said no


    very annoyed the other wont respond
     
  14. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    i told another guy i liked, troy, he was actually really supportive, and alot more curious and encouraging than i expected.

    which unfortunatley made me want him even more and i got a split second thought that maybe his curiosity is because he also kinda likes guys, but hes one of those jokers that does silly things, like on facebook his interests say men but obviously i cant be true (and it bothers me because i sometimes think it actually might be true)

    but he has a girlfriend and i dont want to mess it up but if he asks me if i liked anyone back there ill just tell him.

    and then this thomas guy is teasing me too, by some miracle ive managed to keep him talking to me after our one class together was over, but most of it hasnt left the school zone, most outward thing we chatted was about colleges.
    but something that bothered me was that our teacher said that shes taking 5 kids from our semester to the capital and shell draw names from a hat if anyone wants to go
    i held it up just for lolz but then i saw him look at me and then raise his hand too and we both got picked (immediate scenario of kissing in the bathroom over there popped up :icon_redf ) and we talked about it and he said he and his friend did it as a joke.
    really
    i saw his face look at me im almost certain im not crazy or delusional


    and i dont know if i should label myself as bi, because sometimes, alot of times, i see myself doing crazy things with no girl/boyfriend, like maybe with friends but overall a loner. ive been that way since 5th grade (moved, then endured two years of utter hell) and for the most part im just like i dont need anyone and then later im like i wish i had someone, and sometimes i think of just doing one time flings with friends (i pick my friends very carefully, and one factor is if id date them or not)
    and then sometimes wierdly enough i get attracted to humanish looking characters from sci-fi movies/games and im like wtf does this mean (twilileks from star wars, asari from mass effect, elves)
    i dont know im just all over the place :eusa_doh:
    what the hell is wrong with me
     
  15. stumble along

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2011
    Messages:
    652
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SR388
    came out to another friend
    actually idk, i just gave her a link to my tumblr and then her reaction was "makes so much sense now"
    and then she started asking who i liked and then that was it
    and i told the girl i like that i liked her and she said im friendzoned so, depressed

    that coupled with other stuff has gotten me real down lately, and usually when i do get down its almost inevitable i think about killing myself, buts its weird that because its not actual suicide, more like social suicide, because i just want to leave and never be heard from again and just go somewhere where no one can find me and just, be.
     
  16. Sunsetting

    Sunsetting Guest

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2011
    Messages:
    61
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    man, i am so glad i found this thread, now i know a little more of what's going on. dude, imma hit you up again here, because there's so much.
    on your side and totally understands
    ~ me

    .