Coming Out Gone Horribly Awkwardly Wrong

Man I hated coming out to my family. I completely underestimated my family's reaction and ended up looking like a jackass. My method of approach was humor. I figured my family's cool, I don't need to sit them down and have some serious talk with them and all that dramatic shit because I thought in doing that they would respond "and so what" or "that's all" then I would feel like a jackass. But, no. Turns out humor was the wrong way to go.

I was helping my Grandma with the laundry and just said "hey how do you think we should tell my Mom I'm gay." My Grandma froze.
"What?"
Oh shit, abort, abort! She's making you repeat abort! No, no, no stay stong, light hearted. "hahaha I'm gay."
"Stop that it's not funny."
Oh...shit.
"haha...ha, I-I'm not joking."

Then cue the yelling. Basically my Grandma cussed me out because she still thought I was joking, she even thought my Aunt put me up to it just to freak her out, which wasn't making me feel too good because it wasn't a joke. She went right up to my Aunt's room, yelling, asking/telling her she put me up to joking around about being gay. Now I hadn't told my Aunt yet, so I once again took the light hearted approach and just said "oh haha, Grandma's freaking out because I told her I'm gay." My Aunt's response "Okay...and? I already suspected, bla." Thank god! Someone responded correctly! Meanwhile, Grandma's now giving me disgusted puzzled looks. Then my fucking Mom comes over. Perfect timing I thought so I could tell her right then and there. My grandma, angry, scolds "don't tell her nothing like that!"

And it's important to know that every yell and every look and every second my Grandma wasn't being accepting like I thought she would be my heart was breaking terribly, but I kept on smiling and trying to just get through it without the dramatics.

Too fucking bad, my Mom did not get that memo. I tell her. She stares at me, then stares at my Aunt, then back at me, then she makes this hideous crying face and made a beeline (B-line?) for the front door. I followed her still smiling, albeit not as easily as I had when the idea popped into my head ten minutes before I started the laundry, but it was still there. I say "haha, where are you going?" while my heart constricts unevenly. At this point I really wish it was ten minutes ago and instead of opening my big mouth, I had just decided to finish laundry and procrastinate while watching Seinfeld.

My Mom looks away somberly and says quietly in a shaky crying voice "Home Sharonna I'm going home." --Now I feel it's important to know that my relationship with my Mother was not good and is not good now. But back when I was coming out I still gave a damn what she thought of me. She's never given a shit about me or anything that I do. I've been ignored since she had me and I was a good fucking kid, way better than my brother who's turned into nothing but a user and a liar, but that's way better than being me in her eyes: a girl. My Mother is obsessed with penis. She told me to my face when I was little that she never wanted a daughter. But for some time, off and on I would think it was my fault she felt this way toward me and try to fix it. This was unfortunately an "on" time. So in this moment, it hurt that she walked away from me, but she didn't leave. She came back in.

Now...the fucking questions. You know them. Those awkward on the spot questions about your experiences. "Have you ever been with a girl?"

"Maybe...but not like for real. I've kissed--"
"What girl? How? You never go out. When were you with a girl?"
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
"Well, kinda yeah in middle school."
"Middle school is not a real boyfriend. I think you should wait. I've been where you are, when I was 8 and 9 years old and I was curious."

Hm. Don't see how that fucking relates to me as it stands I am a fucking 17 year old, but whatever Mother. :dry:

"You should just wait there aint no good men here in Detroit, wait til we move."

Grandma I don't think location has anything to do with it but thanks anyway. :rolle:

While my Grandma and Mom are saying these things to me, they're not talking to me, they are pleading with me. And drilling me, making me feel like I need to have hard evidence of being a lesbian otherwise I don't know what I'm talking about. And you know since we're already on the subject let me just say this: I don't need to have fucked, kissed, or even slapped a girl's ass to know I'm gay. I don't need to have "tried it" first to know that when I met someone I want them to have the same gender as me. I may have never had a girlfriend or been with a girl intimately, but it doesn't take a fucking scientist for me to realize I want those things. I've just never had them, just like all those fucking 18 year old boy virgins in the hundreds of teen dramedies made about their quest for love/lust. They've never had girlfriends, but that's all they've dreamt about. It's the same fucking thing. They certainly weren't going to ask my brother to go suck a dick before he claimed he had a girlfriend, so why did I have to?

Anway, while they're questioning me and I realize I don't have good answers for their stupid ass questions and I feel their stares boring into me like lasers aimed right at my heart and I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I wish I had died fifteen minutes ago, I start crying. :tears:

Great. Just fucking great, the one thing I didn't want to do I was made to do! So much for leaving the dramatics at the door. :dry:

That's when my Aunt gets up and tells them to back off me, they're questions are too personal and I don't want to answer them. I can also tell this situation has now made her feel uncomfortable too, which just makes me feel worse (may as well I'm already crying.)
Then my Mom takes her fucking moment to shine and gives me her bullshit acceptance speech as if she's protecting me from someone else who had just spent five minutes making me cry.

"Look at me. I accept whoever you love whether it be Michael or Michelle" (so some boy/girl name shit like that.) The rest was just bla, bla, bla, I love you, bla. Blow it out your fucking ass is what I thought. It was just so dramatic, she was all kneeling in front of my face crying and I'm fucking crying even though I'm pissed on the inside. I didn't need her to tell me not to be ashamed because I wasn't 5 minutes ago! At this point I just felt like an idiot and wished I hadn't said anything.

After I relaxed, meaning the crying relaxed, I ask about my younger brother and how or who's going to tell him. My Mom is against says he'll "use it against me because he's too young and immature." Let it be known that my brother is only 2 years younger than me. He's not a baby and didn't act like one even back then, but is still treated like one today (because my Mom is obsessed with babying him!) So after that I try to get back the light heartedness. Why? I don't know.

I say "oh haha, Javonte would just be jealous because I'd get more girls than him..."

Oh my god, please stop talking, go die in your room, just stop saying words that are falling out of your ass through your mouth. The words didn't feel right coming out and it was truly the most awkward thing I said next to "I'm gay." My Grandma and Mom are ignoring me now, going into my Grandma's room to talk. And I'm still standing in the hallway with this...I don't know incomplete feeling inside me, now I know it was just unsatisification with how this turned out. What's the best way to help incompleteness? More awkwardness of course. (!)

So I say again. "I don't get why I can't tell him, I mean I don't care, he'll just be mad because I'll get more girls than him, haha...ha..."

Well fuck you guys then :dry: is what I thought later. At that moment however I was desparate for one of them to just look at me. My Aunt finally did only to shoo me in her you're-bothering-me-just-go-away-voice saying "okay, you just go in your room now, go and...finish your homework or something." And she was looking at me like I just caused this whole uncomfortable situation...or maybe that's just how I felt and I projected the feeling onto her face. (Sounds kinda gross, if you squint.)

I found out that next day that my Mom told my Uncle, called my Dad (who was on base in Virginia) and most likely called her friends to gossip about me. She expected my Uncle to have something negative to say so she wouldn't be the only one (yeah remember her "I accept you" speech, bullshit. I knew it. She had spent the whole night telling my Grandma and Uncle that she had "other plans. This isn't future I saw for her." Now I just think back on that and I'm pissed because it's like bitch...no. Get the fuck outta here.

There are always those people whose opinion you learn not to give a fuck about especially around coming out time and my Mother's is definitely one of them. I feel like an idiot for chasing her to the door that day because that was her time to prove to me she gave a damn about me, to comfort me, to "take care" of me, instead of the other way around like it had always been. But yeah, enough about that it's a whole other issue.

I never want to experiece coming out again. I had more of a "well that sucked, but at least it's over" experience. Now that everything's okay my Grandma tries to act like she never looked down on me during that time, she was just still convinced it was joke that's why she was yelling, not because she hated me or anything, which I know is a lie. She certainly didn't hate me but I know she was disgusted by the thought, she didn't like it, and was right along with my Mom trying to "change my mind" with all those questions and suggestions (but I didn't bring that up.) She only stopped being aggressive when she saw me crying and saw that my Mom was one upping her in the 360 turn of emotions/comforting moment. Tear 'em down to build up, is how my family works sometimes and my Mom and Grandma are particularly competitive in that game. But anyway, today, my Grandma is genuinely accepting and all is well with us. My Dad called from Virginia a day or two later. My Mom called him hysterical and then he called me to see if I was okay. (He was the only person out of everyone to ask me that.) Everyone's okay with me except my Mom (told ya, her speech was for show) who makes her little comments here and there knowing she's being mean or rude and still won't allow me to tell my brother. She's also gossiped about me to her friends probably more "Sharonna doesn't go out, she's never been with anybody really, so I don't think she knows who she is" bullshit. The woman just likes to hear herself talk. I still haven't told my brother. He is a homophobe, but my relationship with him isn't great either because he's a fucking asshole, so I don't really give two shits about what he could say or think about me. He might be finding out this Christmas since I asked for a Lesbian Pride necklace, so a huzzah for family drama. :eusa_clap

Alright well I'm done barking at ya. Share your own horror coming out stories. I can't be the only one. Anyone else have this grand idea of how your coming out is going to go just to have it all turn out so horribly awkwardly wrong?

:help:

 

Good read - it sounds to me like your mum is the one with the main issue. But she is your mum, and I tend to think you knew she may react this way. Sometimes people are just drama queens and nothing can be done except others telling them to chill out and get over it. It doesn't mean they are bad people, just that they may have insecurities, so while you being gay is effectively your issue, your mum sounds like she is blaming herself. Hold firm and stay positive, maybe try and take some time away from your mum and stay with your dad for a while? Just a positive thought. Sounds like you could use a break from her. All this will blow over is what I'm saying - the hard parts over, well done.

 

Thanks people. You're all really sweet. I hope the next time I have to come out to anyone it doesn't go half as bad as this time because jeez a lou...that was rough.

Just an update: my brother knows now, but he hasn't said anything to me. He's on the "let's just not talk about" train with everyone else now. Don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing just yet, but to be honest...eh, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm surely not gonna sit him down, ask him how he feels and shit like that. If he's got a question or comment he knows where to find me just the like my other family members who have suddenly taken a vow of silence around me since the "news" got around. No more chasing people's approval for me. I'm done with that. I'm going to let it come to me and if it doesn't, no skin off my ass.