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Finally coming out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by WhatLiesAhead, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. WhatLiesAhead

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    Firstly, I’d like to thank this community for all the amazing personal stories and advice you all contribute. There have been a few people and events in my life the past few months that have served as catalysts for my decision to finally start my coming out process but it really wasn’t until I spent almost an entire Saturday night a few weeks ago reading through post after post that I finally decide to do it. For anyone still debating about their own situation, perhaps you’ll find my story helpful… apologies in advance for the long read and poor writing.

    I’m in my mid 20’s now but I can safely say that I’ve known I was gay since my early teens. To keep the background stuff short, just know that I never really fit any of the stereotypes of a gay guy. Not that I have any issue with people who do fit the mold more cleanly, but that’s just not me (big football/sports fan, not really feminine at all, etc…). That said, pretty much all my close friends are guys – and to my knowledge, straight guys. It also allowed me to rather easily stay in the closet all these years. When I went away to college, I was fortunate enough to fall into a large group of friends. I was always busy doing something with someone. In a way, this further enabled me to ignore my situation. I knew my college utopia was eventually going to end but always put off thinking about how to handle it.

    Fast forward to senior year, like with most people, reality started to sink in very quickly. I began to finally think about what my life in the closet would be like after graduating. Sure it had made for a few awkward situations in the past but it never prevented me from living a fun and enjoyable life. In just a few short months though, I’d be out on my own and starting fresh without the constant social bombardment of college life. I honestly didn’t even think coming out was an option, let alone something I even thought I wanted. Sadly I began to think that in order to compensate for all the things in life I would therefore forego, I needed to work harder and make more money. As if money could actually buy happiness. Well, I did just that. I worked my tail off and knocked down door after door to get my dream job.

    It’s been a few years since then and while I couldn’t be any happier with my job and financial situation, my personal life has slowly but steadily been on the decline. A lot of my closest friends are starting to get married, settle down and buy homes; no doubt kids are around the corner too. Meanwhile, here I am with nothing new to ever show for myself. On top of that, it’s become increasingly obvious to me how incomplete so many of my relationships with friends and family feel. I finally started to realize and understand a few months ago just how detrimental staying in the closet would be in the long run; both to my life in general and specifically to my mental well being. For the first time in my life, I finally started to contemplate coming out.

    I don’t know why it took me so long to even ponder it because once I started really analyzing it in my head, the correct choice really seemed pretty obvious. By staying in the closet for the rest of my life, which had always been the plan, I’d always have to keep myself somewhat closed off from people, I’d always have to awkwardly avoid the subject of relationships with friends and family, I’d always have people wondering the truth about my sexuality behind my back, I’d always have to pretend to be straight when out with friends. Worst of all, I’d be denying myself the opportunity to finally have a real relationship with someone else. In other words, I realized that I’d be guaranteeing myself a life of loneliness. Sad, depressing, but true and no amount of money or job success would ever be able to compensate for any of this. Tough way to learn a classic life lesson.

    After finally realizing all of this, I still was not convinced I could bring myself to come out. That’s when the depression started to kick in. I found myself thinking about my situation around the clock. It was the last thing I thought about before going to bed, the first thing I thought about when I woke up, and the main thing I thought about during the day. It wasn’t until around Thanksgiving last month that things finally hit critical mass. I was home for the holiday and out at the mall with a good friend and his fiancé. As much as I wanted to just joke and reminisce with them, I just couldn’t get my mind off my situation. I told them I wasn’t feeling well and called it a night pretty early on. That’s when I nestled into bed and started surfing the web. I came across EC and just hit the ground running. I had no idea how many people were in the exact same situation. Seeing how so many others in my boat managed to find the courage to accept themselves and allow others the same opportunity caused such a rush of emotions. I busted out crying and pretty much continued on and off as I spent the next 6+ hours just reading more posts. I knew that I finally had come to the proverbial fork in the road. It was now or never… the following morning, I told my parents before heading back out of town.

    Thankfully they were incredibly supportive and understanding. I also think they have been suspecting it for some time but never wanted to pressure me on the topic. It’s been about a month since then and I’ve now decided that it’s time to start telling friends so I can finally move forward with my life. I hope they will all be understanding and supportive and I think they will be. To be honest though, I’m at the point where I really don’t care anymore. Okay, obviously I do, but ultimately I know that anyone who won’t accept me for me is no friend I want or need. So with that mindset, we’ll see how it goes.

    Long read, lots of details left out and probably quite poorly written but hopefully someone will find this useful. Thanks again to everyone on this site from regulars to first timers who have willingly opened themselves up to us with their own problems and experiences. It’s been incredibly helpful for me and no doubt will continue to be in the coming weeks, months and probably years.
     
  2. Sunsetting

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    Thank you so much, I am holding back tears right now. I joined less than a week ago and am pretty much in the same boat. Though my parents know and are accepting of me, they'd rather me be straight. I have shared with some friends, some understand, some don't... Even the ones who don't are very supportive of me as a person. I am cleaning my room at my parents' house getting ready to go back to my apartment and wondering.... Is this the time to start telling people where I'm at??? Then I read your post.....time will tell. Thank you from another dude who no one would ever guess is gay
     
  3. WSPXRT

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    Very strong words. The truth behind the dwindling social bombardment following college combined with the mass exodus of friends to marriage and children I know all too well. Three of my friends got engaged in the same week.
     
  4. Tracker57

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    What a great story! And a great way to start the new year. I hope that you find a great pressure lifted off of you and that you won't feel depressed any more. The best of luck to you. Stay connected here!
     
  5. jimL

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    You are incredably well grounded. I'm so glad that your parents are accepting. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you, it will get better. Hopefully you can find the prefect person to spend the rest of your life with. Gay people deserve happiness also, it's just that we have to work a lot harder for it. I hope all of your friends will be accepting also. I didn't come out until later in life and only 8 months ago. Only after spending many years being married. It's been an incredable emotional roller coaster ride. You are doing the right thing. I wish you all the best!
     
  6. alex1170

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    Wow, great story. I feel as though I can relate pretty well. I am in college right now and I feel like when you described your college years, you were pretty much describing my life as well. All of my friends are straight guys, and I fell into a close group of friends when I first got to college who I still spend a ton of time with. There is never a dull moment in my life which is mostly why I do not feel the need to come out right now. It does make me wonder though what will happen once I graduate. I definitely see myself focusing on a career first and foremost though. It is actually pretty weird how much I feel like you were describing my life. Anyways, thanks for the read. I am not sure if I will follow in your footsteps but right now I do not see myself coming out before you did. Best of luck man. Sounds like you are on the right track though.
     
  7. Hidinginalabama

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    I got to say that was a great story. I am so happy you found this site. Like you I myself found this site one night and knew the time was now for never. But that was a little bit ago and life has gotten mutch better. I hope things keep getting better for you from here as it has for me. Best of luck and let us know how things keep going. And congrats on taking a very big step in your life. Way to go man.:thumbsup:
     
  8. WhatLiesAhead

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    Appreciate all the kind words everyone. The continued support is helpful. I plan on telling a slew of people in the coming days. I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes…

    @alex1170, since it sounds like you are in my shoes a few years ago, I will just say this much… I try not to live my life with regret but to completely honest, I really wish I had decided to come out earlier. I don’t think I would have had the courage to do it early on in college but perhaps by my junior/senior year or at the very least, right after graduating and obtaining job security and true independence. I try not to think about the wasted years because it hurts when I do but at the same time, I just need to focus on the future. I don’t say any of this to pressure you in any way; I just implore you to at least give it some thought now rather than later. Learn from my mistake; don’t plead ignorance on the matter like I chose to do for so long. You might surprise yourself with the conclusions you come to. I know I was.
     
  9. GuyDC21

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    Reading this made me happy. Thank You =)
     
  10. mnguy

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    Wow, congratulations! You've got some guts to come out to your parents so quickly like that. My life followed the same path yours did through college and the following few years. That's, however, where my similarity ends and you've done the right thing to not waste any more time. You've got time to work on your dating life now. Good luck! :thumbsup:
     
  11. WhatLiesAhead

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    Quick update if anyone is curious… I told my brother and a few of my closest friends over the past few days. Some were surprised, some weren't, but all were very supportive. I can't even describe how amazingly liberating it is starting to feel. I’ve almost told everyone I need to before I feel like I can really start being open about it and actually act on this new sense of freedom.

    Which actually brings me to a question for people who have gone through a similar process around my age… what exactly was your next step after coming out? I almost feel as though I’m on a sugar high of sorts right now but concerned at the same time that a month from now, I’ll be fully out with absolutely no clue what to do about it. At which point, great, I’m out but has anything really changed?
     
  12. Nightmaric

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    You are very inspiring. It takes a lot of courage to do that and even more when you have gotten by for so long. I hope nothing but the best for you. I have nothing else to say but Cheers!