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Wish Me Luck!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Astaroth, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. Astaroth

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    Although my orientation information to the left says that I'm out to everyone but family, there is one person outside my nuclear family that I haven't come out to yet. However, I call her Sister and she calls me Brother, so I basically consider herself part of my family. Her name is Shauna, and I've known her since 6th grade back in 1993/1994. We were best friends all through middle school and through the first year and half of high school as well. However, in my sophmore year I got up the guts to ask her out. At the time, I wasn't so much attracted to her as I was attracted to the thought that I could at least be loved by someone else. I did and still do love her, but I know that there couldn't be anything sexual or intimate between us. Anyway, I asked her out internally hoping that it would make me straight if I could make a relationship with a woman work. Luckily for her, she said no and that she would rather we just stay best friends.

    I was really hurt by this both emotionally and mentally. I was upset that she didn't like me enough to give us a chance. I was even more crushed because it seemed to confirm that there was no hope of having any relationship not only with a woman but with anyone at all. If the person I had the most in common with at school couldn't love me, what hope did I have of finding someone who would? Obviously, looking back on those feelings makes me smile now. It was the first rejection I'd really had in life that hurt that much. I didn't know how to process those feelings so I clung to self-pity and anger. In retrospect, I'm glad she said no to me. It ended up saving her a lot of pain in the end, I think.

    Well, about two weeks after my rejection, I got a note in my English class from another girl asking me out. I was so shocked and pleased that someone did like me that I immediately said yes to her. Her name was Destiny (ironic, yes?). We ended up dating throughout the rest of high school and I even proposed to her near the end of our senior year quite by accident (long story made short, I bought her a ring for Christmas that she mistook for an engagement ring and basically said **** it and proposed). Subconciously, I was hanging onto my relationship with Destiny because I was afraid of the truth. I knew by the end of my sophmore year that I was at least bisexual. I suspected that I was probably totally gay, but I didn't have the courage to face up to that yet.

    A few months before graduation, I finally broke the news to Destiny that I was bisexual. She was so supportive of me and I can never begin to thank her enough for allowing me the freedom to figure out who I was back then. We talked a lot about my feelings for other men and never really mentioned our own relationship. Although it never came to the point where one of us said "it's over," the relationship ended after I went off to college in Colorado. Our daily phone calls turned to weekly calls. Those faded off to once or twice a month. And then one day she called me and offhandedly mentioned a new boyfriend. Surprisingly (or not), I didn't mind. It finally put to rest the resolution we both had been looking for but were afraid of starting. Since then we sort of lost touch. I hear now that she has two kids and is happily married, and I'm happy for her.

    Anyway, the whole reason I went into that detail is to explain why I haven't come out to Shauna yet. After she rejected me and I took up Destiny's offer, she tried to stay friends with me. What I didn't know until recently was that Destiny pulled her aside one day and told her never to speak with me again. Shauna thought that I had something to do with this (which I definitely didn't) and basically stayed in the shadows throughout the rest of high school, watching me from a distance kind of like a guardian angel. She didn't try to talk to me more than a couple of times in passing for a while because she probably thought I hated her and I didn't try to talk to her either because I thought she was uncomfortable being around me after she had turned me down. It worked perfectly for Destiny, I suppose, but my friendship with Shauna literally evaporated. For a while.

    Once my relationship with Destiny blossomed, Shauna got jealous. I think she regretted turning me down. She wrote me notes that were the next step away from love notes. She constantly made comments about getting me away from Destiny. I wasn't a total idiot. I could see the crush she had developed on me. Maybe it was that truism that distance makes the heart grow fonder. All I know is that I was in a relationship with a girl that I knew wouldn't last because of my sexuality and now I had an ex-best friend with a severe crush on me as well.

    After high school, Shauna joined the military and I went off to school. We never even said goodbye. I was frankly happy to leave for college. I was finally able to be myself. I could get away from Shauna's crush. And it provided some distance from Destiny too. It was selfish, I know, but I was so sexually repressed until the end of my senior year that I was dying inside every day. If I had stayed, I would have probably ended up in an unhappy marriage.

    Finally, to bring it to the point (sorry for the length!), I just got back in touch with Shauna after seven years without speaking to her. Over the last two months, we've told each other our sides of the story and I have a better understanding of where she was coming from. Our friendship is as strong as it was back in middle school now and we talk almost every day. The reason I writing this, though, is that Shauna going to visit this holiday and I haven't told her about my sexuality yet. She flies into town tomorrow and will be here until Christmas. She isn't staying with me or anything, so I don't have to worry about making her feel uncomfortable during her entire trip here. But I'm sure that we'll meet up for dinner and a movie or something during her time here and I feel I owe it to her to tell her the truth.

    I guess I'm just worried that she's still harboring some sort of crush for me and I don't want to hurt her, but at the same time I don't want to lead her on. She has two children now and is getting divorced from her first marriage, and after hearing that I assumed she was over me, but recently she's made various comments about rejecting me being the biggest mistake in her life. Hopefully I can find a way to tell her the truth without ruining our friendship a second time. I told her that we had a lot to catch up on, but that it would be better to talk about it in person, so she's looking forward to talking to me when she gets here. Wish me luck!

    Sorry for the length, by the way. I just had to get all of this out in the open somewhere and thought that it might help others who might find themselves in a similar position. I'll let everyone know how it goes in the next few days once we get together. *crosses fingers*
     
  2. Louise

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    Good luck, I will be thinking of you over the next few days.
    As a married woman with 2 kids she will have matured a lot from your time in middle school.
    I'm sure that she does have strong feelings for you but she will probably be able to accept you for who you are and who knows your friendship might be even stronger if the 'sex' aspect is taken out of it.

    Hope everything goes well for you :kiss:
     
  3. panda

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    "The Truth Will Set You Free" GooD LucK!!
     
  4. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    good luck!! i agree that after 7 years, hopefully she will be "over" you. plus, who knows, she might have guessed about your sexuality anyway?? i dunno, but the best of luck anyway!! *crosses fingers*
     
  5. ebra

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    Good luck and follow your instincts. even if she is still harboring feelings for you, i would say from a girls point of veiw that i would be more alright with being rejected by a guy because of his sexuality rather then because of who she is. just be honest with her and be yourself and we are all thinking about you :grin: let us know how it goes *hugs*
     
  6. SpikySpice

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    Good luck, your story was really interesting, I just kept reading and reading

    Anyways, it'll be ok, after she knows the real you, she may support you like Destiny:slight_smile:
     
  7. SkyTears

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    I know my friend had a crush on me, but she found out our friendship just grew farther. She is one of my two closest friends now after all that and AH! I can't say enough nice things about her! I hope your story ends up happy like I know mine did.
     
  8. biisme

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    good luck!!!!!!!!!!

    we're here for you!!!!
     
  9. Jim1454

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    I'm sure you'll feel MUCH better if you tell her. What's the alternative? Would you want to carry on this relationship and not let her know about this very important aspect of your life? It sounds like she's a great person, and I'm sure she'll be understanding and accepting of the news. Good luck!
     
  10. Astaroth

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    Well, I told her just about an hour ago and here's the actual conversation (had to do it over IM because she was asking me what's been bugging me lately (apparently I'm that obvious) so I just told her):

    I couldn't have asked for a more supportive friend! (!) (!) (!) Thank you everyone for your encouragement! I feel like dancing about now.

    Now... the parents are all that's left. Hurray!
     
  11. beckyg

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    Awesome, congratulations! I hope it goes as well with our parents!
     
  12. Jamie

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    that's fantasic... well done Noah. and goodluck with the rents
     
  13. Grof142007

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