My First Coming Out... Terrifying

[The Escapist]

This happened early this year, a few months after I accepted myself as definitely bisexual. I've been struggling with coming out for about a year now, as everyone I know are (mostly strict) Christians. Also at this time and still now I am struggling with coming out as a non-believer too (for about a year and a half now), which is even harder for me to do. So I spend what was probably several days trying to decide whether or not to tell a trusted adult I've known for several years who helps out with the youth at our (Southern Baptist) church. I drove myself crazy going back and forth on whether to tell her or not that Wednesday night, and when the day came (I was still trying to decide) I finally texted her asking if we could talk that night. She said yes. I went over again and again in my head what I would tell her. I had decided I would tell her both things, that I was bisexual and that I was no longer a Christian. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell somebody. And I trusted her the most.

When I got there I waited until she mentioned it, which was after we moved to another room in the basement where the youth pastor was teaching. She asked if I still wanted to talk, another chance to back out. But I said I did. So we went into an empty room where we could talk. It was so quiet, which made the moment that much scarier. It took awhile for me to be able to start, I was shaking and absolutely terrified. It was so weird, I never feel this way so I didn't really know how to handle those feelings. But I did what I came for. I went on and on and on trying to get the right words out of my mouth, but everything came out wrong. It was as if my brain had melted. I spilled my guts out on way too many subjects and things that I was going through and dealing with. It was horrible. I wasn't able to word anything right, I was barely able to get it out at all but I kept on going. I couldn't just get to the point like I should have. So I told her that I was not a Christian anymore, to which she responded very well to. I could tell she was sad, but she did nearly everything right. She did mention that she personally believes once a Christian always a Christian though... Which means she probably doesn't believe I'm going to Hell. (I was saved and baptised 2 years earlier.) I also of course told her I was bisexual, because I said there were two things I needed to be honest about. The whole conversation was about being Christian, nothing said about my sexuality. At the end she noted how she didn't say anything about me being bisexual, and she said that it's just who I am. This from a woman in a Southern Baptist church, which itself states on it's website that one of the official beliefs is that marriage is between one man and one woman. She couldn't have had a more perfect answer to that.

So in the end, I completely screwed the whole thing up. But I was lucky to be talking to who I was talking to. I broke down, even though there were no tears. (Which probably would have been better.) This probably lasted for half an hour or more, so I just melted and spilt everything out of my mouth that I shouldn't have and said it all in the worst way possible. I fell apart. She was great about it though, even though she said she had never dealt with anything like this. I was hoping she would give me a hug in the end, but she didn't. So I asked for one. (Heh, I needed a hug what can I say?)

In conclusion:
Coming out as non-religious... Not so good, but I did it. I told her I didn't care who she told as long as it wouldn't get back to my parents. Their opinions are the only ones that really, really matter to me. Otherwise I would just be out.

Coming out as bisexual... Very well. I still can't believe she was so good about it, as there have been a couple of bad comments from our new youth pastor. -_-

A while later, I received a postcard from our youth pastor in the mail. Now we'll get these sometimes, you know, just saying they miss us or happy birthday or merry Christmas and all that. This one was for me. It said that he was told why I had left, but he would like to talk to me to make sure I understood my decision. But he specified "not to change your mind," just to make sure I understand it. ...I never talked to him.
I do assume he means the whole not being a Christian part, not the bit about my sexuality. In the past I remember him saying that if someone present were gay he would tell them that it's wrong/a sin. Or something to that degree. Needless to say I'm not the biggest fan of his. I miss our old youth leader.
Well, my parents were the ones who got the postcard first. Obviously it was very suspicious if anyone were to have read it, although it was not specific on what my "decision" was. Neither my mom nor my dad mentioned it so I quickly hid it away in one of my desk's drawers and left it at that.
Some time later, I'm not sure how long.. Maybe a couple of months? Me and my mom were watching The Glee Project (haha) and something said made her remember something. She had forgotten to ask me. Oh dear god. She brought up the postcard, and she had read it. (She was confused at first before she saw my name on it because she didn't realize it was for me, I think, so it's not like she purposely read my mail.)
Naturally she asked if I had made some kind of a decision. My face must have been red as fire as it was just burning up. I was scared to death. So I lied. I didn't make any kind of decision, I think he just misread something I had said. Subject dropped. Mom accepted my answer. I never lie to her, or to anyone, unless I absolutely have to. I hate that I had to lie to her, but hopefully she will understand one day. I can only imagine what was running through her head when she read that card... She sounded almost as scared as I was. And I had thought all that time that she must not have read it, because she would have come straight to me and asked. So this makes me wonder if she suspects something, even though I gave her that odd answer. Because she trusts me, she might not have given it anymore thought. But let's be honest, that was too suspicious for her not to wonder.

I haven't been back to church since that day, even though I hinted that I would because I have nowhere else to go for any sort of community. (I'm homeschooled.)
I still want to go back quite often, just because I had been going for 4 years and I like being around people sometimes. I miss them... even though I never made any close friends. But now I'm scared that if I do it will get out to my parents what I've said. I figure it would be okay to if I was honest about my lack of faith, but at this point I would still have to pretend so as for it to not get around to my parents. I really would love to go back before high school is over... Before everyone is gone. :/
Anyway, I didn't really mean for this to be so long but I tend to do that. Oh well.

[TheEdend]

That's really awesome! Congrats on your first coming out. It really is the scariest of them al!!

I know you said you screwed up, but I think you did great. You wanted to say it, you went for it and then you did it. Doesn't get any better than that.

Have you thought about going to an church that accepts LGBT people? Maybe that will make it easier for you to go and just enjoy the community as a whole.

[The Escapist]

Thank you!

I'm stuck between regretting it still and being happy about it. I just need to really be aware of what I'm saying next time because I just melted. :/
But what's done is done and I'm proud of myself for not running away.

I have, but mostly I just miss my own church. And the people. I was always too shy while I was there (haven't been much at all the past year or two) to make close friends but they were still like a family. I don't know, maybe I'll pop in soon. If things go bad I don't have to go back. I'd probably look for an LGBT-friendly church more if I was still religious, but that's another issue.