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My Coming Out Story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by cub17, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. cub17

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hm... well it's about 4:10 AM here in Texas, I'm not tired so I have a lotta time to burn. Might as well share my story while I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    I've had feelings for guys for as long as I can remember. Growing up LA was different than here in Texas, I guess. My first feelings were for this guy name Marco. I didn't understand what they meant yet, but I didn't think they were a bad thing, just felt bad because I couldn't properly discern them. My feelings started to explode more and more as I got older. My feelings for girls faded, and I began to have fantasies of boys as early as 2nd grade. I am not sure why, though I have recently been questioning if I was sexually abused as a child, though that is neither here nor there. In 4th grade, I moved to Texas, and started my addiction to gay porn.

    I was self-loathing, angry, vindictive, cynical and yet so naive. I had such a bravado that no one really cared to look deep in my heart and save me. Even my gramma, who hates gays, could see I was depressed, and yet everyone else couldn't or they just ignored me. I contemplated suicide constantly. I hated myself.

    In 8th grade, about half-way through the school year, I told my friend Sammy Jo "hey Sam... I'm bi." She replied "Yeh I know." The first person I told anything to. Originally I said bi because I was afraid to say gay, but as of these days I would probably be considered bisexual. Then I told a few more friends. And they told others. Soon it was everywhere. The first out-person in the history of my school. Oy. I was mostly accepted, though.

    My first young adult crush, dare I say LOVE, however, seemed to hate me. He is, to this day, a 100% closet case, no doubt in my mind. We've talked about how he's fantasized about men, and how he had gay thoughts, and how he's always wanted to be dominated. He's the most feminine boy at our school. He's womanly and he admits it. And yet he claims to be straight and Catholic. Excuse me, that was an unnecessary tangent.

    He told his father that I sexually harassed him, and it was based on some truth, though truth or dare is hardly harassment, especially if it only entails a tap on the knee. I was almost expelled. But something happened and I didn't get expelled.

    It was about this time that I discovered Wicca. I had been raised Mexican Catholic my whole life, so Wicca was new to me. Apparently, my mom dabbled as a teenager, however. I was completely enthralled. So I kept moving on to other religions and seeking and loving everything I read and heard. I had found peace, I had found a reason to believe in myself. I became active in my church and cleaned my act up, stopped feeling sorry for myself.

    For awhile, my mom had been asking me if I was gay. She caught me watching gay porn a few times, and I never missed an opportunity to explain to her what I was feeling. But she mostly didn't believe me. She kept saying I was insecure or confused. Kept saying that there was no way I could be gay or bi. But I finally said "Mom, I am comfortable and stable and secure in my sexuality. I have no doubts of who I am, and I don't care who does." And she accepted me after that. We don't speak of it too often, however, because I understand it's a hard thing for her to mourn. I haven't told anyone else in the family, but everyone outside knows.

    I had long been thinking about being a priest, at least since the 8th grade. A Catholic priest. And my vocation director (a priest in the city who helps you figure out if you want to become a priest or not) and I had a very touching and deep talk. I told him everything that I just told you guys. I apologized for wasting his time and for not being eligible, and he said "So when were you gonna tell me what disqualifies you?" And so I'm on the path to the priesthood. Also, a 70-somethin confirmed bachelor (my favorite word for older gay gentleman lol) at my church has been a curandero(a mexican shaman) for years. He took me under his wing and I learned all that jazz.


    I don't mean to harp too much on being religious. I'm not a fundamentalist or a jesus freak. I would just be lying if I didn't say that it has helped me heal, and has been intrinsic to my experience as a member of the LGBTQ community.

    Btw, I identify as a two-spirit.

    Thanks for listening!
     
  2. Doctor Faustus

    Regular Member

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    Thank you, sir, for being so open, courageous and honest.

    Hope things work out well for you. It's gonna get better! (*hug*)

    Best.
     
  3. Jay D

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Norwich, Norfolk.
    Good on you for telling everyone - I'm in a similar predicament with my mum accepting that I'm pagan, but I hope to get her to come round eventually.

    Blessings )O(
     
  4. cub17

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Austin, TX
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks :slight_smile: (*hug*)

    I've actually started to turn my life around it seems, feeling better, feel like myself.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2012 at 10:42 AM ----------

    Ah merry meet.

    Good to know there's another pagan here I can talk to.

    Blessed be )O(

    :slight_smile:
     
  5. Sidneyer

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Manchester, NH
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for sharing your story, its helping a lot to hear other peoples stories and how it has affected their lives. I'm struggling and looking for a way to finish something that I didn't mean to start.