I'm thinking of telling my best friend

[waitingfordawn]

I'm freaking out.

Is it too soon? Do I still need time to accept myself, or can I talk about this to him? See, he's gay, and he's out and he's known for a long time and probably accepted it for a long time too (since he was 14/15, I think, now he's 18), but as you can tell, the details of how/why/when he came out are vague to me, since we don't talk about it much. We talk a lot about queer theory, but never the personal stuff. I want to ask him things like how did you know? How did you accept yourself? I don't know. We talk about everything, but never this. He's always thought (assumed) I was straight, but lately I've been dropping hints I'm not, and we never talk about it because I'm scared and I always hedge around the conversation.

Right now I'm freaking out thinking in this cycle of I'm bisexual --> no I'm gay ---> no I'm bisexual ---> no I'm gay ad infinitum and I know the labels don't matter but I don't know. At this point I've accepted I'm attracted to women, but men, I don't know. I feel like I keep accepting it and then doubting and accepting and I hate his cycle, it's ridiculous, I just want to talk to someone about it. Is it too soon to talk about it with him? God, I feel like such a bad friend that I just can't talk to him about this stuff, but like I said, I'm really scared. I know he won't judge... I'm just being irrational, but I want to be brave and face this. I just don't know what to do.

[Kidd]

Tell him what you just told us here. That's what you need to do. He will totally understand where you're coming from. He's one our kind. ^_^

[Hidinginalabama]

Let him know what is going on in your mind. I don't see any reason why he wouldn't help you with this. There is a very good chance that he had the same thoughts when he was 14/15 so he will know how you feel.

[Ianthe]

Go with what you know. There will never be clear evidence that you could never like a man. There is evidence that you like women, but none that you like men. So, you can genuinely identify as gay. If, in the future, there is a guy you like, you can then say, "Oh! I guess there are some guys I might want to be with, I didn't know that!" and thereafter identify as bisexual.

And totally tell your gay friend. He'll be understanding, and it will great for both of you to have the support. And it sounds like you are good friends, so you shouldn't be afraid to ask him your questions.

[waitingfordawn]

I TOLD HIM.

Jesus Christ it's good to have that off my chest.

I knew we were going out tonight (to a bar, then a club--in the Village, where else) and that's why I thought of telling him, because I knew we wouldn't be sober and it'd be easier to talk about. I stressed about it for hours before (we were hanging out prior to going out) and then we went out and had a pitcher and I don't know how it came up, but we talked about how everything that was causing out problems was in our head and I was like yeah! That's what kept me up all night! And I hinted it was at sexuality, and then I told him in a really roundabout way that I totally know I like girls, not sure about guys, and he didn't get it at first (I think he thought I was confused about liking girls and said I should experiment) but I was like, no, dude, I know I like girls, not sure about guys. Pretty sure I don't, but I'm trying to decide, and that's what I'm confused about. And he got it. But I told him, of course, that even if I was okay with the idea of liking girls in my head, I was still uncomfortable about it because I'm still freaked out about what people will think of me.

And then we went out dancing to a gay club and I got hit on by more guys than girls. FML. I bet it's because we were on the second floor. But seriously, what are straight guys doing at a gay club? Goddamn. Maybe they were bi. Whatever. I totally wasn't interested in them, though. :/ Am I just not into men? I want to be, but I don't, but I do... What is going on, mind. STOP PLAYING GAMES. Seriously.

I'm still kind of drunk, but I had to report back. Okay. Imma go sleep now.